"Don't get lost. Give it a try. Go find the place that you're wishing for." - Natsuki Takaya
11.
They entered the apartment wearily: Booth dropping his keys on the counter and Brennan abandoning her shoes in a haphazard pile near the door. He loosened his tie with one hand and used the other to pull her with him to the couch. She followed quietly, too tired to protest, but not tired enough to go to bed. She curled into him on the soft cushions and released a sigh. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes for several moments.
"You ever think about it?" He asked, surprising the silence.
"Hmm?"
"Bones." He nudged her expectantly.
"Can't we just go to bed? I'm tired."
"It was one hell of a party."
"Angela helped plan it," she reminded him.
"Yeah, but I wasn't sure. It was Sweets and Daisy." He explained.
"They appeared to be very enthusiastic about binding their familial and legal obligations."
"It's called marriage Bones."
"I am aware of that Booth." She soothed. "Sweet's continues to appear nervous around you. Will you ever explain to me what you did to him when you discovered he was responsible for my Hogan's Alley scenario?"
"Water under the bridge, Bones." He dismissed.
She frowned at him, but said nothing more.
"So?"
She sighed into his shoulder and looked up at him, waiting for him to clarify his question. When he didn't, she asked, "So, what?"
"You ever think about it?"
"It depends on what the 'it' is that you're referring to." She yawned widely and her jaw clicked. Booth winced.
"It, Bones. Getting hitched, married."
"Oh." She looked down at his hands rubbing slowly down to her knee and back.
"Bones," he urged.
"No. At least not in the way I presume you are thinking."
"You presume?" He smirked.
"With you, sometimes." She smiled briefly and then looked down. "I have never dreamed of the white gown and church Booth, even as a child."
He prodded her teasingly, "I thought all little girls dreamed of their wedding day."
"That is a stereotype, Booth. And you very well know that I am atypical from the norm. No. I thought the other little girls were ridiculous when they playacted their weddings or keeping house. It seemed very banal to me."
"That's my Bones. I always knew you were more of a tom boy than a girly girl."
"You are stereotyping again, Booth." She chastised him.
He held up his hands in defeat. "Okay, so what did 6 year old Temperance Brennan dream about?"
As literal as ever, she responded, "I do not remember my specific dreams as a child."
"But in general?" He specified, hoping to stop her from derailing the question.
"I... I believe that dreamed of understanding...everything. I wanted to know why the sky was blue and how water could also be both ice and steam, and..."
"Okay, I get it. You were a squint even then. But what did you want to be when you grew up? How did you picture your life?"
She flushed. "I wanted to be a hairdresser."
He snorted and choked back the full out laugh that was tickling his throat. "What?"
She looked up at him shyly and shrugged her shoulders. "Going to the hairdressers with my mother was always an enjoyable experience. I found the process fascinating." She shrugged again. "I was six."
His eyes glittered in the half-light of the living room. "I get it. I love it. It's perfect."
"What did you want to be as a child Booth?"
"I wanted to grow up really big and strong. And be a hockey player in the NHL. And then play baseball in the summer. And also be a cop and catch the mean guys. And I wanted lots of kids to love and wife who was just as pretty as my mom."
"You were a very ambitious child." She praised him.
"I still am," he added cautiously.
"You still are what?"
"Ambitious. I mean, the sports things, obviously they aren't gonna happen, but..." He let the thought trail off as his courage faltered.
Her smile faded. "You have become a cop that catches mean guys. Ergo, the thing you are still ambitious about is having lots of kids to love, and a wife."
Afraid to speak, he nodded.
She chanced a glance at him and quickly looked away. Softly, she continued. "You want that...with me?"
He nodded again.
She tensed. "Are you. Are you proposing marriage to me Booth?"
He shook his head slowly. "No. I mean. No."
"But you are thinking about marrying me. And then having children with me."
He looked away and nodded slightly.
She grabbed his hand that was still resting on her knee and squeezed it. "Booth, look at me." He hesitated, but eventually met her gaze. "I have never been interested in marriage."
"I know Bones, I know."
As if he had never spoken, she continued. "I have never been interested in marriage, but because of you I have considered it a great deal. So, in answer to your earlier question, I have thought about it."
He brightened, "You've considered marrying me Bones?"
As much as she hated to hurt him, she didn't dare allow his hopes to be raised further. "I don't want to get married Booth."
"But you said..."
"I have considered it. I know how you feel about it. I knew that someday you might find me worthy of being your mate. But Booth. I can't. I just, can't. I don't believe it's necessary. I've tried to rationalize with myself to your benefit, to argue your side of it. It would make you happy, I know it would. I would do almost anything for you. But not this. I love you Booth, in ways I don't fully understand, and in ways that science cannot explain. I love you. However, every time I consider marriage, my heart rate slows and my body goes cold. I feel...blank."
"That's cold feet Bones, that's normal." He suggested, just a hint of desperation in his voice.
"No Booth, it's not normal. I should be excited at the prospect of marrying you. I am excited at the thought of building a life with you and of waking up every day with you that I am able. But the second I picture myself vowing my love and commitment to you in front of the law and your God, I feel nothing.
"So we elope. So you cut out the vows. I'm willing to compromise here Bones."
"You do not understand: it's not about the vows or the location. If it were, and if I thought you could accept how little it all means to me, I would do it. For you. But I feel nothing. Neither joy nor hope. Not the reverse of despair and gloom. Not anything in between. Beyond a vague sense of irritation the thought of marrying anyone, even you, makes me feel empty, impotent if you will. I don't believe either of us would be content entering into such a hollow agreement."
She paused for a brief moment to collect her thoughts and continued. "I know we've discussed the concept of marriage before Booth, but what would me marrying you mean to you?"
"It would mean that we'd love each other forever," he replied promptly.
"And if I promise you this very moment that I will love you as long as I am able? Would it mean any less?
"Of course not! I just. Marriage, it makes it official, you know? Like a law that can't be broken. Like Newton's apple."
"But marriage doesn't keep people from breaking up. Divorce rates are at an all time high. Even the Laws of Motion have exceptions."
"Doesn't mean it will happen to us." He refuted stubbornly.
"If we're that special, then why would it make a difference if we've signed a marriage license?"
"It just would, okay Bones? It just would!"
They were both tense with flushed faces and pounding hearts: neither wanted to back down.
Her voice rushed and heated, she challenged him, "So convince me! Give me a reason to believe! Prove to me what the difference would be! Prove to me that what we have now isn't good enough!"
Just as heatedly, he responded. "Deal. Give me a couple weeks. I'll have you begging to marry me!" He thrust his hand out towards her.
She backed away from him slowly and considered his outreached hand for a long moment. Then, just as slowly, she reached out her own hand and wrapped her fingers around his. "Agreed. You have 2 weeks to convince me of the validity of a marriage between us."
A glimmer of triumph appeared on his face as she tried to fight back the fear that roiled in her stomach.
(.xxx.)
A/N: Reviewers - you rock! And to those of you who were hoping for a Booth/Sweets smack down - I apologize. I couldn't figure out how to write it to fit in with this story. That being said, the issue's not completely dead & gone. It will be...discussed in the next chapter or so.
And can I just say how happy I was with Booth in the finale - him telling her he loves her for her despite being frustrated with her way of dealing? It felt like all of the characters were starting to regain the traits that made me fall for them in the first place. Not sure how I felt about the end, but I am looking forward to next season! (YMMV of course.)