A/N: Thank you as always to all of my readers and reviewers. This chapter is way long, I think the longest chapter I've ever written. I hope you enjoy :D
Another sleepless night for Lisbon meant an early morning in the office. By about 4:30 Friday morning she had grown agitated and edgy so she quickly showered, got dressed, and ate before she left for the day. She was in the office and doing work by 6:30. Maybe if she got on top of the paper work she could be out at a decent time again. As soon as that thought entered her mind she quickly remembered that there really was no point in going home early. It wasn't like she had any plans; she would just start the same vicious cycle again. Perhaps she would work late tonight and lessen the amount of time at home.
She moved quickly through the dark office not noticing Jane "sleeping" on the couch. She knew that sometimes he stayed there but it hadn't occurred to her that he might be there now or that he might not be asleep if he was. Jane was there and very much awake. He was a light sleeper as it was and he had fallen asleep relatively early so he was up before she had appeared. Hearing her approach the bullpen he feigned sleep so he could observe her. That was something he enjoyed doing regardless of the situation. He found her utterly fascinating. Her personality and reactions while usually predictable were interesting nonetheless.
Through the thin slits of his mostly closed eyes, Jane watched her move across the bullpen into her office. She had turned on her desk lamp to fight off the darkness of the still dim morning and sat down to start on the mountain of paper work. Even from a distance he could see she was upset. Her movements were jerky and it looked more to him like she was just trying to keep her self busy as opposed to actually getting work done. He could also see the tiredness in her posture and the sadness on her face. He wondered if she had even tried to heal emotionally or if she just pushed through life hoping the pain would dissipate on its own.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
The rest of the day had dragged on uneventfully. As expected the case was easily closed before lunch. It turned out it was the ex-wife who had done it. Jane had suspected it and the confession was elicited during Cho's interrogation. Jane had planned on confronting Lisbon after lunch but decided against it. She had spent most of the afternoon in her office and he thought that if he stood any chance of getting her to open up to him, it was going to have to be when no one else was around. While she may possibly talk to Jane, if he approached her in the right way, she most certainly was not going to divulge anything that would bring out her emotions when the rest of the team was around. She prided her self on being a strong stable leader in the eyes of her agents. He knew that she would label any show of emotion as a weakness and that would not be revealed to her coworkers, even if they were also her friends. Her and Jane had always shared a particularly close relationship and he was hoping that it would work in his favor. Sitting on the couch watching everyone wrap up for the day, Jane decided he would approach her either after everyone else had left or if she left first he would pay her a visit at home.
Jane wouldn't have to make the twenty minute drive across town; Lisbon was still in her office long after the rest of the team had gone home for the night. This was his opportunity. He knew it was going to take every ounce of his talent to get passed the "kicking out of the room" stage. He wasn't worried though. Patrick Jane knew that they both would get through this so with a smile he knocked on Lisbon's door.
"Yeah!" She startled. She thought everyone had left.
"Hi Lisbon," he still smiled taking a seat across from her.
"What do you want Jane? I still have a ton of work to get through." He could detect a slight hint of unease in her voice.
"I wanted to really see how you're doing," his smile faded as he fixed his intense gaze on her.
"I told you earlier, I'm fine!" Once again her tone was angrier than expected.
"I don't think you are. Let me help you."
"I don't need your help, now if you'll excuse me," She stood up ready to leave.
"Yes you do. You were attacked by Red John, Lisbon. That is a horrific experience. It would leave anyone shaken. Please stop running from me." The weight of Jane's emotions filled his voice and eyes.
"What are you talking about? I haven't been running from anyone." Lisbon tried to laugh off the accusation. She couldn't even address let alone think about the first part of his statement. To acknowledge it would be to accept that Red John had indeed been responsible and that was a horrible prospect.
Jane wasn't going to relent this time though. He moved behind the desk, getting as close to Lisbon as possible. He knew he would have to push her to get her to see what she's been doing. Just as he expected, the fear response flooded Lisbon, visible in her posture. As he moved closer she took a defensive stance ready to bolt at any moment.
"Teresa, look at me. You're tense, you're eyes are darting side to side, and you look like you're either going to punch me or jump over the desk. You can't hide your emotions from me."
"Oh I forgot because you're 'psychic'" she made quotes with her fingers as anger laced her tone.
"No, because I'm your friend," his voice was so gentle it contrasted with Lisbon's like night and day. In fact it caused Lisbon to pause. It had struck something in her. Something she hadn't felt since her abduction. It was intangible warmth. It lasted only for a split second and as soon as it came it was gone again. It hadn't gone unnoticed by Jane though. He took this as a positive sign.
"You can't stand to be in my presence and I think I know why." He continued.
"Really Jane, nothing is wrong, you're just being paranoid." She tried a different approach to get him out of her office.
"Then tell me why when I do this," he grabbed her wrist. "Your pulse sky rockets, your breathing quickens and you start to fidget." He noted each as they occurred in her. "Either my stunning good looks have you all hot and bothered," he smiled brightly. "Or you're scared."
"I'm not." Lisbon tried unsuccessfully to extradite her wrist.
"Look at yourself Teresa, you're terrified." He reached up to brush a renegade strand of hair from her face. She immediately flinched at the contact. "You can't go on like this. We have to work with each other and more importantly we need our friendship back. Please don't shut me out." His plea was barely above a whisper and the intimacy of the moment brought back that same warm feeling she had felt a few moments ago.
"You can trust me," he softly reassured her. She stood motionless, caught between two emotions that were so opposite from one and other that she couldn't move. Jane could see the internal battle written across her face so he made the decision for her. Still holding her wrist he slowly guided her out to the couch.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
"What do you remember about what happened?" Jane pulled up a chair so he could easily face Lisbon. He couldn't help but notice that she was exhibiting so many of the same mannerism as the victims they interview. She was so tense that her body looked tiny against the couch.
"Not a whole lot. I get flashes, images but nothing I can really make sense of"
"That makes sense, besides the trauma of the experience, you were heavily drugged. I think that may be also why you're afraid of me." He was glad that despite her obvious discomfort she was willing to talk.
"Jane, I'm not afraid of you." She sighed. Lisbon hated how the words sounded from Jane's lips even if it was true.
"It's alright." He tried to assure her. "The drug you were poisoned with not only causes memory loss. It also makes you hallucinate and causes you to be highly suggestible."
"What are you talking about?" Lisbon would have found this interesting if she wasn't the one involved.
"I believe Red John used the drugs to make you think he was me."
"What?" She was in shock and disbelief.
"It's the only way to explain your reactions and the note that was left behind."
"Why would he do that, it makes no sense. He could have just killed me." No matter what may be going on internally with Lisbon, she couldn't stop being a cop.
"Red John is sadistic. He thought it would cause me more suffering to see you alive but not well, which of course he was right but he obviously had no idea who he was dealing with."
"So to get at you, he attached me and brainwashed me with drugs to make me think he was you." She was in disbelief as she recapped the whole situation.
"Yes. That's why you're feeling anxious right now even though we're in a non threatening situation. I can help you through this, if you let me." He reached out to place a comforting hand on top of hers. She tried very hard not to flinch at the contact.
"How?" She tried to steady her voice.
"The first step is to get you comfortable around me again."
"God, you make it sound so bad." She was feeling a little self conscious.
"It's nothing that can't be undone my dear Lisbon." Jane smiled. "Behaviors are learned and can just as easily be unlearned. We just have to train your unconscious to not perceive me as a threat."
"How are we going to do that?" Lisbon was skeptical.
"With relative ease, close your eyes." Jane instructed.
"You're not going to hypnotize me." She looked at him with that same look she gave him every time she caught him doing it with one of their witnesses or suspects.
"No hypnosis, I promise. And why are you so against it anyone." He laughed.
"Because it's.."
"Unprofessional, I know," he finished her sentence. "Now come on just close your eyes…Please." He pleaded like a boy asking his mom for a cupcake before dinner.
She never could resist him when he asked for things in that way, "alright."
"Good. Now pay attention to your breathing. Breathe in and count to five in your head and breathe out counting to seven." His voice was soft and friendly. "Breathe in, 1,2,3,4,5 and out 1,2,3,4,5,6,7" He guided her repeating the process for a few moments. "In, 1,2,3,4,5 and out, 1,2,3,4,5,6, and 7" The simple process of breathing in this way had begun to relax her. The tight little ball of stress in a stylish work suit that was Lisbon now softened and allowed her full frame to sink into the couch. Jane smiled to himself, glad she allowed herself to go this far. Not that she had a whole lot of conscious choice. That type of breathing triggers a natural relaxation response but she didn't need to know that.
"Now imagine your most favorite place in the world. Where are you the happiest? How does that place sound? What does it look like? What kind of scents are there? Imagine it as clearly as you can…. Good, just keep breathing." Her facial expressions smoothed out now too and Jane mused to himself that this must be the first time he'd seen her comfortable since the abduction.
"Now Teresa," Jane could see her suck in a large amount of air as her shoulders tensed. He quickly realized that her first name must have been used by Red John. "It's ok, remember to breathe in, 1,2,3,4,5 and out, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7. You're in your special place where nothing bad can happen. You're safe there. When you hear your name again just remember to breathe and count." He could see her breathing pattern so he wait until she was ready to breathe out again. "Teresa" He did this two more times, anchoring her name with the out breath making it very difficult for her to have the same physiological reaction to her name as she had previously.
"How do you feel? Calm, comfortable?" He very sneakily tagged on the suggestion at the end of the question.
"Comfortable." She honestly answered.
"Very good, now I'm going to pick up you hand. Keep breathing and counting." He gingerly lifted her hand and arm, sure to time it with her out breath once again. He noticed her breathing pick up again. "Slow breaths remember," he encouraged.
Once she seemed comfortable with that contact he moved off of his chair and sat next to her. "You're doing really well. I want you to keep relaxing." He reached up again crossing in front of her to cup her right cheek. He knew that the touch would cause her to respond especially since she had some nasty facial injuries.
He was right, her pulse jumped up again and her breathing became erratic. "Jane, I can't do this, I want to stop." Panic filled Lisbon's voice.
"Hush. You're alright. Take another deep breath." He coached. "Tell me about that special place. Where are you?"
"I'm at my grandmother's house in the country."
"What does it smell like?"
"Citrus blossoms, it's spring."
"What do you see?"
"Green trees and wild flowers"
"What can you hear?" He noticed her breathing was steadying and her pulse began to slow.
"The breeze moving through the trees and birds."
"What does this place feel like?"
"I can feel the warm sun."
"You have a lot of happy memories there." It was more of an observation then question.
"Yes, I spent my summers here. It's where I learned how to ride horses"
"That's very nice." He smiled and he continued to touch various parts of her arms and face. He was very pleased to see that her physiological responses were back to normal.
"Teresa, open your eyes." He greeted her with a brilliant smile, his hand tenderly holding hers. She was amazed that it had worked. Of course she wouldn't admit it to him but she was truly impressed and relieved.
"See I told you it could be unlearned." Jane smiled triumphantly.
"Thank you." Jane knew it was very difficult for Lisbon to utter those words considering everything that had happened and he greatly appreciated it.
"You're welcome. We still have a lot to talk about but that can wait till tomorrow, what do you say we raid the fridge for some dinner."
"Sounds good."
The pair quickly retreated to the kitchen. "You know Rigsby's going to kill us when he gets in on Monday." Lisbon laughed mischievously as she removed a couple of take out boxes from the refrigerator"
"Nah, he'll manage to find something else to eat. The guy has a magic power that allows him to produce food from thin air. Really I think he could give my act a run for its money."
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
Lisbon and Jane shared a quiet meal chatting about everything but what had happened to her. Jane knew she would have to deal with it in the coming days but for now they had accomplished enough.
"Are you going home?" He knew the answer but was compelled to ask anyway.
"No I have some work to do," she glanced down at lap, "and I'm not really comfortable there."
"If you're going to stay here, you're going to get some sleep." He insisted.
"I don't need to sleep." She could feel that old sense of fear rise in her stomach again.
"Yes you do, you're exhausted. When was the last time you slept?" He tilted her chin up so they made eye contact.
"Last night." She was defiant to the end.
"You're lying again." He couldn't help but smile. She would deny the sky was blue if Jane had said it was. "Come on it will be good for you." He turned out the lights and pulled out a blanket he hidden away somewhere.
"Lay here with me." He sprawled out on the couch.
"Jane." Lisbon still had a fear of falling asleep after what had happened when she feel asleep in her tub. Even if she did manage to fall asleep, she wasn't about to have a nightmare while in the company of someone she just learned to feel comfortable with again.
"Fine you don't have to sleep, just lay here and relax for a little while." Lisbon missed the knowing smile on Jane's face.
"Alright, but only for a little bit," she sighed and lay down next to him resting her head on his left shoulder. He wrapped that arm around her pulling her closer. Lisbon would never admit it to him but laying like this made her feel safe. It was as if all her negative reactions to him had never happened. Things were back to how they should be.
"You know when I was little I used to love looking up at the night sky. All of those stars against the black sky held my attention for hours." Jane casually noted.
"Really, I never pegged you as a star gazer."
"Oh on the contrary, I knew all of the constellations. That wasn't my favorite part of it though. On warm summer nights I would sit on my back porch. Our house sat right on a river which was awful when it flooded but on those warm nights the water reflected the hazy moon and the sound of slowly lapping water and crickets lulled me into a pensive mood." Lisbon couldn't help but relax as she pictured what Jane was describing. It sounded wonderful.
He could feel her loosen up and her breathing deepen. "I would sit on that porch and look up at the night sky. It appeared to go on forever. I don't know why but it made me feel comfortable…relaxed…content." He timed those words once again with her out breaths. "It felt like I was being held…completely protected… safe. Before I knew it, my thoughts would slow and the only things I noticed were the peaceful sounds of my breathing and the water."
For a brief moment the thought had occurred to Lisbon that Jane was hypnotizing her but the thought drifted away as Jane continued talking. Lisbon found her self far more interested in his story than her own internal dialogue.
"I would keep looking up at those stars allowing those feelings to wash over me." His voice was exceedingly slow and soft matching Lisbon's internal experience. "Eventually my eyes would want to close." She didn't realize it but he was closely watching her waiting for her to respond. "They would get so heavy that I found it easier and more comfortable just to let them close." He watched as her eyes drifted shut. "That's right, just drifting….feeling safe…allowing yourself to sleep now."
Jane smiled to him self as he watched her fall into a deep sleep. She was going to kill him if she remembered this in the morning. Her reaction would be priceless. Maybe he should find a camera just to document the looks she was going give him right before the lecture. Until then though, he needed to get some sleep too. He knew there was still a lot more work to do but things were looking far more promising and he was now completely sure that he would beat Red John at his own game and far more importantly Lisbon would be back to her old self again soon. He couldn't be more pleased with how things had gone tonight and he was relieved that despite what she had said that day they did the trust fall, somewhere deep inside of her she did trust him. She would have never let anyone see her as vulnerable as she was tonight and yet she allowed him. He was flooded with emotions and hoped they could keep this close of a relationship. That would have to wait though, he needed sleep. Lisbon wouldn't ever know but the events of the evening had been draining for Jane. It had hurt him beyond words to see her react to him like she had. That was over now though.
"Good night," he whispered placing a light kiss on her temple before closing his eyes and drifting off too.