Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. The rights to those characters and to the show belong to the creators of the show, to CBS, The Sullivan Company and to A&E.

Chapter Eleven

Cambridge, Maryland – July 20, 1846

Darkness hung heavy in the room broke only occasionally by heat lightening flashing in the distance. The air was thick with heat and humidity. All of the windows were open but absolutely no air was stirring. Michaela turned over in bed trying to find a cool place on the sheets. Her hair was braided and pinned on top of her head to keep her cooler but it made sleeping uncomfortable at best. Escaped hairs clung to her neck and the sides of her face. Her body felt like it was on fire. She had shed her nightgown an hour ago in hopes of reducing her body temperature. Now, she lay on her back and spread her arms and legs out as sweat formed wherever two body parts were touching. It didn't seem to matter what she did, nothing helped.

"Why doesn't it just go ahead and rain," she thought to herself as she sighed and sat up in bed. Thinking that the floor might be cooler, she rose pulling a sheet and pillow with her. After spreading out the sheet, she settled onto the floor. At first it felt cooler even if it was uncomfortable. Michaela thought she would be able to finally succumb to sleep. Within minutes though, it felt as if her body had heated the floor beneath her. She turned onto her stomach raising her head. In frustration, she beat her fists against her pillow. Then a thought occurred to her. Her grandmother had said that when she was little and it was hot like this, they had slept on the balcony. "It's worth a try," she muttered to herself as she pushed herself off the floor and began searching for her nightgown. She located it at the end of her bed and slipped it over her head. Michaela bent down to scoop up her sheet and pillow before exiting the room.

Quietly she crept down the hall as not to wake anyone. Turning the doorknob, she pushed the balcony door open and stepped into the night. It seemed slightly cooler; maybe she could get some sleep out here. Again, she spread out the sheet, fluffed up her pillow and lay down on the floor of the balcony. A small breeze stirred and Michaela closed her eyes content with a little relief from the heat. However, wetness hung in the air dampening Michaela's nightgown and skin. A low buzzing sound seemed to envelope her as the mosquitoes swarmed around her head. She sat up swatting at the bugs, once again frustrated with her inability to sleep. Standing, she made her way to the balcony's railing and glanced down at the river. It was barely visible from here but she knew it was there. She could smell the saltiness of the water in the air. She could hear its soothing song as it moved effortlessly through the night, rushing endlessly to the bay and eventually to the ocean. The water mesmerized her, pulling her in until she felt drawn to it.

The room was hot and the air was close. He had no idea how long he had laid awake waiting for sleep to claim him. Sully felt as if someone had thrown a wet wool blanket over him; the air was that oppressive. His body was soaked with sweat as were his pajama bottoms and sheets. The house was quiet and he wondered how everyone else had managed to get to sleep.

The sound of a door opening and closing got Sully's attention. It had come from Michaela's room. "Probably just goin' to the outhouse," he thought to himself. Tuning over onto his back, he stared up at the ceiling thinking about the events of the last few days.

He couldn't remember a time when he had so thoroughly enjoyed himself. The mornings he had spent with John either on the boat or working in the garden or barn. Sometimes Michaela would join them, especially if they were going out on the boat. Other times she helped Ida in the house or read in the morning room with Anna. After lunch, Anna usually napped and so Sully and Michaela had taken to going off on their own exploring. They walked in the woods or swam in the river if the day was too hot. They hadn't ventured far yet but Sully knew Michaela was itching to see where Thomas lived. Ida had told them that Thomas' family kept slaves. While Michaela's opinion of Thomas dropped significantly after finding out this news, she had developed a curiosity about the whole matter. Sully knew they would find themselves there one afternoon if Michaela had her way. Yet Sully and Michaela's favorite time of day was after dinner when they all gathered on the porch or at the kitchen table to share stories. Anna told marvelous tales of her childhood and courtship with Michaela's grandfather. Ida talked about her mother and grandmother as well as her own life. John told them stories about his life as a slave before he had gained freedom. The stories enchanted them and they sat listening while the older ones spun stories into the late hours of the night.

Returning to reality, Sully realized that he had not heard Michaela come back to her room. He knew it was silly to be concerned but he was. Rising quickly, he crossed the room and lightly knocked on the door that separated his bedroom from hers. Hearing no answer, he gingerly opened it. The clouds had parted slightly and a weak beam of moonlight revealed Michaela's empty bed to Sully. His heart beat a little quicker as he opened her door and stepped into the hall. He stood still and listened for a moment for any sound that would let him know that Michaela was coming back up the stairs or re-entering the house. Everything was silent. Sully turned and walked down the hall, pausing when he noticed the balcony doors were slightly open. He felt the knot that had slowly been forming in his stomach lessen as he realized she was probably just beyond the door.

Opening the door the rest of the way, he softly called her name so as not to frighten her. "Mike," he whispered. The clouds had covered the moon again and blackness overwhelmed him for a moment. He looked around the balcony and called her name again. "Mike, are you out here?" Still no answer. He took two steps forward and encountered her pillow. This confused him even more. Clearly she had been here but where was she now. Stepping to the railing, Sully tried to survey the ground. Slowly the clouds parted once again and the moon illumined a lone figure standing on the dock.

Despite the heat, Sully felt chilled. He wiped at his eyes, thinking he had imagined seeing someone. But when he removed his hands, she was still there. The white of her nightgown shone brightly against the dark water. Sully felt transported back in time as fear gripped him. A cloud covered the moon and the blackness returned. His feet flew over wooden floors, down stairs, and out the front door. He had to get to her. He couldn't be too late this time. He was running through the yard barefoot, dressed only in pajama bottoms. His heart pounded in his chest as a dull ache began to tear at his heart. His breathing was labored and a stitch formed in his side.

The moon appeared again, as he neared the river. Sully's blood froze at what he saw. There was Michaela kneeling on the dock. Sully felt his voice catch in this throat as he tried to scream out her name. She was standing now. He had to reach her- he had to stop her. Finally his voice broke free, "Mike, wait don't do it!"

Sully's voice startled Michaela and she jumped slightly. She turned to see Sully standing only feet from her in only his pajama bottoms. She almost laughed but stopped herself as his face came into view. Tears streamed down his cheeks and his eyes were wild. "Sully," she said gently. "What's wrong?"

"I.." Sully started but suddenly he lunged forward and wrapped his arms firmly around her waist. The rest of his words were lost to her as he buried his head in her nightgown.

"Sully, I can't understand you. What's wrong? Is something the matter with Anna?" Michaela was beginning to get nervous herself. She gripped Sully's shoulders pushing him firmly away from her.

"No, not Anna," Sully managed to get out between sobs.

"Is it Ida or John?" Michaela asked thoroughly confused as to why Sully was behaving this way.

He vehemently shook his head and lowered himself to the dock. Drawing his knees up to his chest, he buried his head in them trying to compose himself. Michaela kneeled beside him. "Was it a nightmare, Sully?"

Slowly he raised his head and managed to speak one sentence. "I thought you were going to jump."

"Why would I do that?" Michaela asked. "I know it's hot but do you really think I would go swimming in the middle of the night in just my nightgown?"

"No, not swimming," was all he managed to get out.

"Sully, I don't understand. Why are you so upset? Why did you think I was going to jump?"

"Because she did."

"Who did?" Michaela asked no closer to understanding what was happening.

"My mother," he whispered before sobs racked his body once again.

Michaela leaned back on her heels adjusting her weight slightly. She placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently. The words ran slowly through her mind as she tried to make sense of what she had just heard. His mother had jumped. What did that mean?

"Sully, I'm sorry I don't understand," she whispered into the night not sure Sully even heard her through his heart wrenching sobs.

But Sully lifted his head and wiped at his eyes and nose. His body was still shaking but he seemed more composed than he had been a moment ago. "Michaela," he whispered as his eyes met hers. Her brow wrinkled; he never used her given name. A slight chill ran through her body and she shivered in the hot night. She dropped her eyes to the ground but left her hand on his shoulder. "I never told ya," he stuttered. "I never told anyone. Your father knew- I didn't have to tell him," Sully stopped.

"You didn't have to tell him what?"

Suddenly words began to burst out of Sully. "That night…. She was so happy. I had never seen her so happy. But then she was sad and crying and I couldn't make her happy again. She left me, Michaela. She left me but I followed her. She walked to the river and I followed her. When I saw her kneeling down to pray," he hesitated but Michaela remained quiet, instinctively knowing he would continue when he was able. "You… You were kneeling."

She looked up and met his eyes. "I was just leaning down to splash some water on my face," she whispered.

He nodded. "She crossed herself, Michaela. I watched her and I did nothing. I should have known… I should have done something right then but I just thought she was praying." Again they sat in silence for a moment. Slowly Sully continued, his voice barley able to be heard over the water slapping against the pilings. "She crossed herself and jumped and I couldn't save her," he said emphasizing the last words. His tears returned in a slow steady stream.

Michaela felt numb as so many emotions washed over her. She had thought his mother's death was an accident. That was what her father had said. Why had her father lied to her? Why would Sully's mother kill herself? And why had Sully had to witness the whole thing? She was angry and sad all at once. The urge to scream out rose in her but she suppressed it.

Then he spoke her name again. "Michaela." Though she still held onto Sully's shoulder, suddenly the distance between them felt too great. She released his shoulder and grasped his hands in her own. Still that was not enough for her but she remained like that afraid to get any closer to him. "When I saw ya tonight, standin'on the end of the pier" he continued, "I thought you were going to jump. I don't even know why I thought that but I did and I was scarred."

"Oh, Sully, I would never…"

Sully interrupted her, "I know ya wouldn't. I was just rememberin'." They sat in silence with Michaela holding fast to Sully's hands. Sully nervously chewed on his bottom lip while Michaela looked around avoiding Sully's eyes. Slowly, he pulled his hands away from hers. "Sorry Mike, my hands are so sweaty," he said as he wiped them on his pajama bottoms. The break in contact jarred Michaela. Shifting slightly, she realized her legs were asleep under her. Gingerly, she moved them straight out if front of her and laid her whole body down onto the pier. Deep inside there was still the desire to be close to Sully. When he lay down beside her and grasped her hand once more, she readily entwined her fingers with his own.

At last she spoke, "Sully, are you angry with her for what she did?"

"Sometimes but mostly just sad. I knew she'd been real sad for a long time. I just didn't know how to help her. I guess I always wished I'd be enough for her."

"What do you mean?"

"I just wish she'd love me enough not to leave me," he sighed sadly.

"Sully, I'm sure she loved you," Michaela answered.

"You're right. I mean, I do know she loved me. Maybe I wish that my love would have been enough for her. I really loved her Mike. I still do but it didn't matter how much I loved her, she still left me."

Michaela turned onto her side in order to look at Sully. She felt overwhelmed by what he had just said. How could a mother make her son feel like that? She spoke the only words that came to her, "I'm sorry, Sully. I'm sorry. I didn't know. I'm so sorry."

Colorado Springs, 1860

Sully held the letter in his hands staring at it as if it would reveal its contents without actually being opened. Her hand writing neatly graced the front; his name spelled out in her perfect penmanship. He hadn't been sure Michaela would answer his letter. Actually, he had hoped she wouldn't. They had agreed that it was best that they not see each other but neither had been able to stop contact completely. Taking a deep breath, he turned the envelope over and ripped it open. It was one page which was very unlike Michaela. Most of her letters were small books. He unfolded the paper and began to read.

Sully,

I have just received your letter today about your engagement. Let me be among one of the first to offer my congratulations. I know how much you have wanted to start your own family and now that dream is coming true. I am very happy for you and wish you and Abigail only the best.

I don't know how appropriate it would be for me as a single woman to continue to write to a married man. Perhaps we should give up our correspondence as it seems you have moved on withy our life. Yet I don't really want to, as I have always valued your friendship. Please talk this over with Abigail and let me know if she objects to us corresponding.

Things are well here. Graduation is only two months away and then I will officially be a doctor. Please know that even though I am finally realizing my dream, I still miss you terribly and wish things had turned out differently. I wish that your love had been enough for me and I am sorry that it wasn't.

Michaela

The words were oddly formal and stilted. Sully knew she had probably written the letter over and over editing out her true feelings. Yet her true feelings showed through in parts of the letter. When he had read that she still wished to write him, his heart had skipped a beat. And then she had said she missed him- she missed him terribly. This had brought a huge smile to his face. If she only knew how much he missed her. Then he had read the last line of the letter. It cut him to the quick, just like it hadtwo yearsago when she had spoken these same words.

Cambridge, Maryland – July 21, 1846

Rain pounded on the roof and shook the window panes. Thunder rumbled and lightening flashed brilliant shades of gold against the dark sky. Sully woke with his eyes swollen from the night before. The air was already cooler and Sully pulled the sheet up to fight the morning chill. The sky was dark because of the storm but Sully guessed that he had probably slept most of the morning away. They had been up late, just lying on the pier together. They had only returned to the house when the rain had begun to fall.

He smiled remembering the way Michaela had looked standing in his bedroom door. She had let her hair down and the humidity had caused it to curl around her face. Raindrops clung to her cheeks and her lips. He had simply said, "Thank you, Mike."

An odd look had crossed Michaela's face as he thanked her. She smiled and then leaned in, to whisper against his ear, "I like it when you call me Michaela."

"Thank you, Michaela," Sully whispered again.

As soon as the words had left Sully's lips, Michaela turned to head back to her own room. At the halfway point she froze, turned around and walked the short distance back to Sully. Again, she leaned in close to his ear whispering, "Good Night." Then she did something that Sully had never expected. She turned her head and kissed his cheek. Sully smiled at her as she pulled back. He knew a light blush was creeping across her cheeks even if the darkness hid it. Michaela turned and went to her own room while Sully had retired to his. Sleep had easily claimed them both as exhaustion had set in.

Sully smiled again remembering everything that had transpired the night before. He still didn't understand the feelings that Michaela brought out in him but he had learned to accept them and even to enjoy them. He rolled over listening intently, wondering if Michaela was awake yet. The rain drowned out any sound except for its own until a scream pierced the air. Sully shot straight out of bed and ran for the door that separated their rooms. Without even knocking, he threw it open.

Michaela sat on her bed with the sheet thrown back. Her face was ghostly pale and she held her hand to her mouth as if she was about to be sick. Her eyes were focused on the sheet below her. Sully couldn't tell what it was but as he got closer he noticed if was red. The same redness appeared on part of her nightgown.

"Mike?" Sully ventured. "What's wrong?"

"I…I don't know. I think I'm bleeding."

"Did ya cut yourself on somethin'?"

"No, I just woke up and I'm bleeding!" Michaela was beginning to become hysterical.

"Well, where are ya bleedin' from?" Sully asked as he stopped just short of the bed.

"I'm not sure but I think from …" Michaela hesitated as fat tears swelled in her eyes. She couldn't bring herself to say it. "Please Sully, just go get Anna."

This is my first fan fiction. Please review and let me know what you think! Thanks for reading.