Author's Note: This chapter was supposed to be up earlier, but I wasn't expecting my friend's mother to die on Wednesday. Since the wake, I've had a hard time getting this out on paper or on Word because I know exactly what I want to happen, but the writing kept coming out so badly because my emotions are weird right now, and nothing really seems to be making me feel better. Now, it's finally here. Hopefully, it's as good as I had expected it to be when I started planning it. There are a couple flashbacks in here (some of you who don't read my other stories may not know how obsessed I am with them lol), and it jumps back and forth between James to the other marauders. There is offensive language in this chapter, and I'm thinking of bringing up the rating because of it. James also loses it completely. Beware. The main thing about this chapter is…James feels like he needs to take the burden of himself off his friends and family because they don't "need it" anymore. This usually happens in this story, but I'm just warning you now that there are probably things in this chapter that will confuse you a bit, but you'll get it later. This chapter is so LONG.
Remus had hoped the hatred James felt would be temporary. He had hoped that James would realize he was stupid to walk away from them, and he would come back and beg them for forgiveness.
Evidently, he had underestimated James' ability to hold a grudge. He didn't even sleep in his own bed anymore. He didn't want to be around them.
The first night, Remus had tossed and turned, worrying about him, so he decided to try to bring him back upstairs. It was then that he discovered James was not sleeping in the common room. After searching frantically for him, he found James outside, lying on the quidditch field, shivering violently.
"James," he said softly. Remus walked closer and laid a hand on his shoulder.
James looked up at him. Remus was surprised that he let Remus help him up, but he supposed James did not have much of a choice. He was practically frozen, despite the mild weather.
"Let's go inside, James," said Remus. "You're freezing."
James shook his head.
"I know you hate me right now, but—"
"You," said James, speaking through shivers, "don't get it. You ruined everything."
"James…"
"But I'm glad you did. Since I don't have to deal with you guys, I'm free to do as I please without worrying you'll 'tell on me'. No one else watches me day and night."
"James, we don't watch you," said Remus wearily. It was too early for this.
"Now, I can just be happy doing what I'm doing."
"This—this honestly makes you happy?" said Remus. "You are ready to give up everything—even Lily—to just lose some weight or whatever."
"Yeah," said James, shrugging shamelessly.
The problem was worse than any of them had ever imagined. "He is willing to do anything to get what he wants," said Sirius.
Remus believed that Sirius could not get over the fact that James had so cruelly brought up bad memories for him just to get him to back off.
"I know," said Peter. "I saw him after Potions yesterday, leaning against the wall in the bathroom…just crying."
"I think," said Sirius, "that it may be time to write to his mother."
"He would never forgive us!" said Peter, terrified.
"He hates us already," said Remus. "And it's the least we can do to prevent this from getting worse. I'm afraid…we're already really late."
Remus looked down at his hands.
"Is the perfect friendship that everyone was always so envious of finally being destroyed?" said Peter.
Sirius sighed and sat down on the floor, his head on his knees.
Abruptly, Remus smashed his hand on his night table, causing his book and clock to fall down.
Sirius and Peter both jumped. "For Merlin's sake, Moony!" said Sirius. "What is wrong with you?"
"He shouldn't have had to pass out before we saw it was serious. He shouldn't have had to have a panic attack."
"I know," said Sirius.
"We should have noticed before it went that far!"
"We can't blame ourselves for this," said Sirius. "He was good at hiding it."
"Don't you get it?" said Remus. "We paid no attention to him. We—we didn't even know he and Lily…"
"It's his fault," said Sirius. "He should have told us that."
"Like we would have listened," said Remus quietly. "How long have you and I been fighting and ignoring him? Almost a year now. A full twelve months. We only started to make up because he was in danger."
"If you think that our fight has anything to do with our not realizing how sick he was, then why are you bringing the unmentionable fight back up?"
"I'm not." Remus lowered his voice. "Sirius, I don't want to fight anymore."
"Then, forgive me," said Sirius, shrugging.
"It's not about forgiving you," said Remus.
Peter looked back and forth from Remus to Sirius, wondering which side he was supposed to take.
"Well, then I don't know what we're talking about!"
"We just…" Remus sat back down on his bed. "We just should have known, but we didn't."
Sirius didn't reply. He didn't think he was supposed to.
"We should have," said Peter.
"Are we in agreement?" asked Sirius.
"All right. What will we write?"
"Dear Mrs. Potter, your son…no. That sounds like a bad start," said Sirius.
"'Excuse me, but we thought you might want to know that your son is slowly wasting away, and he doesn't seem to care, so maybe you could do something. Hope to hear from you soon!' Cheerful," said Remus.
"Mercedes! We could write to her!" said Sirius.
"Yes!" Remus agreed. "We could meet her in Hogsmeade or something."
"Perfect," said Sirius. "James will refuse to go anywhere with us, so that won't be an issue."
James was on his way back to the common room when someone came up behind him.
"Hey, Potter," he said cheerfully.
"Hi," said James nervously.
Gavin smiled. "I just wanted to tell you that I've been made captain. Thanks for disappearing," he said. "I mean, I'm sorry you were kicked off and all…" He didn't sound very sorry.
James wasn't sure what Gavin was trying to do. He acted as though nothing had happened a few days before. In fact, James was surprised to see Gavin had been avoiding confrontation with him entirely. James had expected an assault.
"I've just got to find another chaser now," said Gavin. "It'll be difficult finding one as good as you."
James had absolutely no idea what this boy's plan was. "You know the password?" James asked, shivering.
"Maragole," said Gavin, still smiling. Perhaps, he was so happy about becoming captain that he forgot that he was supposed to be angry with James.
It was a small possibility.
James and Gavin walked in through the portrait hole together.
"You sleep outside again, Potter?'
James glared at him. "Why do you care?" he asked. "I didn't ask for your opinion."
Gavin rolled his eyes, mumbling, "psycho," under his breath before walking away. James wondered if Lily and Gavin were still together.
Maybe it was just a little fight. They would probably make up and move on. James knew that if he were Lily's boyfriend, he would never leave her, no matter what mistakes she made. Gavin's love for the girl was probably the same.
Sure enough, Gavin walked over to where Lily was sitting, and she immediately dropped everything and began giving explanations. Gavin took her hand and nodded towards the stairs. They were going to talk…about him…and about what he did with her…and she would be forgiven…and all would be forgotten.
In his mind and in hers.
James watched as they walked up the stairs, wondering what Lily would say to him. He knew that whatever she said, it would have something to do with how she had made a terrible mistake because James meant nothing. James, as a human, was a terrible mistake. Lily would probably tell him she loved him, hug him, kiss him, and say she had been out of her mind when she had gone to that scum Potter. Then, she would beg for forgiveness, and Gavin would grant it.
"James!"
He jumped. "Don't scare me like that," said James, taking his eyes off the staircase to look at Sirius.
"Sorry," said Sirius. "Anyway, you left your cloak in our room, and I know how you like to use it to watch Lily when she's in here at night, reading."
Sirius handed James his invisibility cloak.
"I don't know what the hell you're talking about," said James.
"Ah, disguise the pain with more swearing."
James ignored him. "If that's all you needed…"
"I just thought you should know that we're going to talk to your sister," said Sirius. "Remus and Peter advised me not to tell you, but I think you deserve warning."
"Wow," said James. He tried to find the right words to say to him, but I hate you had been overused.
"Why don't you just lock me up in a cage right now?"
"Save me the drama," said Sirius, rolling his eyes.
"What? You're not planning on buying me my own personal mattress to use when the hospital wing becomes my permanent home?"
"Bye, James," said Sirius, leaving the common room.
James groaned, putting his head in his hands. "So stupid," said James. "I'm so damn stupid."
"Talking to yourself again, Potter?"
James didn't bother to find out who it was. "Why can't everyone just leave me alone?!" he shouted. "And, YES, I'm a psycho." Then, he, too, left the room.
James knew he had probably taken his anger out on someone that didn't deserve it. Some innocent bystander was always subjected to his melodramatic screaming and shouting, but he didn't feel the need to apologize to the person.
James aimlessly walked the corridors, looking down at his feet when anyone caught his eyes. He knew he could not get into a conversation with anyone.
He couldn't sleep in his own room anymore, and his closest friends were the last people he wanted to be around. His life had become a complete nightmare, and no matter how many times he pinched himself (looking stupider every time), he could not wake up.
James wandered until he found an open classroom with the lights off. Opening the door, he smiled involuntarily.
Then, he saw that Professor Slughorn was sitting at his desk, reading in the dark.
First of all, that wasn't a normal thing to do, and second of all, James wasn't sure he appreciated people just waltzing into his room.
"I—uh, hi, Professor," he said.
"Mr. Potter!" he said, surprised. "What brings you here?"
Truthfully, he had wanted to be able to sit somewhere, completely alone, but he figured that being alone with Slughorn was better than being with his friends.
James knew he was in trouble when that thought entered his mind.
"Could I—could I maybe just sit down and relax in here for a bit?"
"Of course!" said Slughorn excitedly.
James smiled. At least, there would be no probing questions while he sat in a room with the Potions master.
"Hurry up," said Sirius.
"I would feel much better if we had the cloak," said Remus, looking around anxiously.
"No one's going to see us here, Moony," said Sirius. "And it belongs to James. I had to give it back to him."
Remus rolled his eyes. "Because you're so kind to him," he muttered.
"I really don't appreciate your comments," said Sirius.
Peter pushed open the door to The Three Broomsticks, ignoring his bickering friends. He walked over to a table towards the back of the pub.
It was mostly empty. There was a witch in the corner, sharing a drink with a man that was probably her boyfriend. They didn't seem too concerned that three Hogwarts kids were out in Hogsmeade.
Sirius and Remus argued all the way over to the table, barely looking where they were going.
Madam Rosmerta saw them immediately. She grinned at them.
"James isn't here?" she asked, disappointed. "He left last time as well, right?"
"Could you get us some butterbeers, please?" said Sirius.
"Absolutely, boys," she said. "Tell your friend I'm starting to miss him."
Sirius nodded, and she left to get their drinks. It was weird to be in Hogsmeade, waiting for James' sister instead of James. It felt, to all of them, as if they were plotting against him.
"She's always late," said Sirius.
"Lucky we got here early," said Remus sarcastically.
"Is everything that happens my fault?"
"Is everything that happens my fault?" Sirius said, losing his temper. "One tiny mistake, and I—"
"Tiny? Tiny!"
James' head was pounding from the yelling. He had been trying to ignore it, but it no longer seemed possible.
"Sirius, do you ever think?" asked Remus. "There's a brain in there for a reason, you know."
"You're so funny," said Sirius. "Witty."
"Sirius, let's go."
A blond boy, shorter than Sirius, put his hand in Sirius', pulling on him pleadingly. "Come on."
James almost jumped for joy at the thought of the fight ending. Sirius squeezed the boy's hand. "Just a minute, babe," he said, not looking down at him.
Both Sirius' boyfriend and James were aware that a minute could mean two seconds or two days. He looked hopelessly at James.
James just shrugged.
"Are you two nearly finished?" said James. "I have a headache."
But he was obviously ignored. Shouting out that he had grown another leg wouldn't have gotten him much more of a response.
"I said I was sorry, Remus," said Sirius. "What more do you want from me?"
Remus laughed humorlessly. "Why don't you apologize to Snape, Dumbledore, or my parents? Maybe even James?"
"Don't drag me into this!" said James, alarmed.
"James has forgiven me," said Sirius.
Sirius and Remus stared at each other for a long time, both trying to say something that would either end the fight or cause the other person to feel even more terrible.
"I'm going," said Sirius, taking the blond with him.
James was relieved. With Peter, Frank, and Sirius gone, he would be able to have a calm and helpful Remus give him advice.
Just as Remus was opening up his newest novel, James said tentatively, "Hey, Moony?"
Remus slammed the book shut. "What?" he asked.
James flinched. "Well, I have to talk to you about Lily."
Remus sighed. "She has a boyfriend, James," he said.
"I know," said James, "but—"
"Do you really want to be responsible for ruining their relationship?"
"No," said James. "Remus—"
"Because that's something I'd expect from Sirius," he interrupted again.
James groaned. "Remus!"
"Oh, James. I'm so sorry," he said, realizing he wasn't being very helpful. "What's wrong?"
"Well, Lily and I were talking last night, and the wh—"
"Are you kidding me?'
"What?" James asked. Could Remus already tell he had done something wrong from those first few words?
"Look at the mess he made of that closet," said Remus, getting up to examine it more closely. "He has no respect for me."
James also got up, but he had no interest in checking out the closet. He walked out of the room, aggravated with Remus. He could not listen to him for two seconds?
James went down to the common room. Frank. He would be able to be of some assistance.
James assumed he'd be in the library. There was going to be an exam the next day in Transfiguration, so there was a good chance he would be studying for it.
James was not let down. Frank Longbottom was sitting with his textbook open, reciting spells and incantations. James was ready to run over to him, but then he saw Alice. She had gotten up to grab another book that would help them study…together.
When she saw him, she waved him over.
He shook his head, and, feeling stupid, walked right back out of the library. He couldn't sit with the two of them kissing and holding hands while he spilled out his problems. Besides, as Lily's good friend, Alice was likely to tell her everything he said. James didn't want Lily knowing that he was discussing their little incident.
While he was walking back toward the Gryffindor common room, he thought about his last resort. Mercedes. Did he really want to talk about girl problems with his elder sister? She would probably be more than happy to help, of course, but she was busy…and more importantly, it was humiliating for him.
After weighing his options, he decided a few minutes of humiliating was better than confusion for the rest of his life, so he reluctantly went to find his sister.
As he had expected, Mercedes was sitting under the tree by the lake, skipping pebbles.
"Cedez," he said.
She turned around, startled. "Oh, hi," she said. "What's up?"
James sat down beside her. "Nothing. You?"
"Mike's on his way over here," she said, smiling "He's got some big anniversary thing planned… Don't ask me what because I have no idea."
James tried to smile back at her, but he was exasperated with the world. Was everyone busy?
"So, did you need something or just relaxing here?"
"Oh," said James. "Just relaxing," he lied, laying his head on the bark of the tree. He didn't need to make her feel bad through her whole anniversary celebration.
James tuned out Slughorn. If the teacher addressed him, James merely nodded or shook his head. Only once did he say something that actually caught James' attention.
"And I made him dispose of it, of course. The poor boy didn't know he'd created a poison."
Poison.
"Who?" James asked stupidly.
"Well, Josh Perkins, of course!" said Slughorn. "Haven't you been listening?"
"I'm sorry, Professor," said James, sitting up straighter. "I was zoning out. Tell me about the poison—the potion—that turned out to be poisonous…again."
Slughorn looked too happy about the idea of a student wanting him to retell a story that he did not seem to care why.
James listened closely as Slughorn went on and on about the mixed up ingredients Perkins had put in and why those ingredients created a deadly potion. He pretended to be interested as Slughorn explained what happened after he had gotten rid of the potion ("he apologized for being so distracted, and then…").
"Uh-huh," said James, sighing after Slughorn had finished. "Thanks for letting me stay in here."
"Not a problem, m'boy," he said cheerfully, waving him off. "I'll get going with you," he said.
James was afraid he was going to follow him and talk with him, but Slughorn answered his unasked question.
"I've got a staff meeting to attend. Hopefully, it will be quick."
"Yeah," said James. "Hopefully."
_____________________________________________________
Mercedes was just as beautiful as the boys remembered. She spotted them at once, not concealing her anxiety very well.
"Hey," she said, pulling a new chair over to their table. "How are you guys?"
"Wish we could say we're great," said Sirius. "There's a bit of a problem with James."
"So, you've said," said Mercedes, frowning. "What is it?"
Remus and Sirius looked at each other, wondering who should be the one to give the bad news. Finally, Remus nodded, suggesting silently that Sirius would be better. He, after all, knew her better.
"Prepare yourself. It's kind of shocking."
"Sirius," she said, crossing her arms.
"James…has some sort of an eating disorder."
The words sounded like nothing. It was hard to sum up how much pain they were all in, using just two words. Remus felt like explaining every little thing that James had said and done, just to make sure his sister got the point.
Mercedes ran her fingers through her long brown hair, looking as if she had not heard them.
Finally, she said, "Are you sure?" quietly.
Remus nodded. "He won't really admit to it, but I think he knows that it's true."
"Denial?"
"A lot of it," said Peter. "He keeps telling us he's not sick, and he can handle himself, and that he wouldn't lie to us…but that's all he's been doing. Lying."
Mercedes nodded. "I don't believe this," she said. "How long has this been going on?"
Sirius looked guiltily down at his butterbeer. "We're not sure, but it's been a while."
"I think it may have started in August," said Remus. "I didn't know then, but…"
"Yeah," said Peter.
They were feeling extremely uncomfortable, and they were somewhat afraid that Mercedes would be angry with them for not noticing earlier or telling her when they first realized it.
But Mercedes didn't seem angry at all. She seemed to be confused, and she continued to run her fingers through her hair.
"He wrote to me recently, asking for pictures," she said, gazing at the ceiling. "It was the strangest thing, but I sent them. He just said 'Can I have a picture of each of you?' and I didn't ask why. He's been so…strange lately."
"Yeah," said Peter. "He has."
"He sleeps outside," said Remus. He had been wondering if it was a good thing to tell her, but he decided that giving as much information as possible was probably the best. "He refuses to stay in our room anymore."
"This is bad," she said, shaking her head.
"He is failing everything," said Remus. "He's not even on the Quidditch team anymore."
"I'm going to talk to mum," she said, "but I'm thinking we're going to have him come home."
The boys couldn't say they hadn't expected that, but the thought of James going home…was just terrible to think about. They couldn't imagine how James would feel…
Actually, Sirius could. He could imagine being shunned for the rest of his life by a certain black-haired boy in glasses, and he didn't like the idea of it.
"Maybe…that's not necessary," he said. "Maybe you could just talk to him."
Remus scoffed. "Because that's been working so well for us? What is with you? One second, you're forcing him to do something, and the next, you act like we decided to do it."
"Thank you," said Mercedes, sensing an argument that she didn't want to be around for. "Thank you for telling me all of this, and my mother and I will be having a talk tonight. It was nice to see you again."
"You, too," said Sirius, reluctantly, giving her a hug.
"Take care of him, okay?"
Sirius nodded. "I'll do my best."
______________________________________________________________
James was shaking—literally shaking—as he sat on a bench in a second floor corridor.
He had never really thought about suicide before. In fact, he had never much felt like dying. All he wanted was to control his body, right?
But he supposed the suicide gene—was there such a thing as a suicide gene?—was in his family. Maybe it could work. Maybe…maybe it would make things better.
Not for himself, of course. James no longer cared a bit about himself, and if he died, everything for him would be over, but his friends would be able to live their lives again. If he died, they would be able to relax again.
The idea was just sounding better and better.
All of the feelings of guilt he had held inside for years would disappear. He would cancel out the bad things he had done with the good. He would no longer have to feel bad about hurting anyone else because he would be saving his friends. He would be doing a good thing.
But his family. What would his family do without him?
James' shaking got worse. He wrapped his arms around himself, wanting it all to end.
"Heyy, Potter."
'Go away,' James begged inside. 'Please…go away.'
"Severus here was telling us a little story," said Regulus Black.
James stared at them, wishing, for the first time, he had never given them reason to hate him. They traveled in mixed groups. Sometimes, it was Regulus and his cousin Bellatrix. Other days, such as this one, Snape and other Slytherins, ones that James had not bothered to meet, would accompany them.
Snape never truly looked at James anymore. He would usually look at the ground and pretend to be as malicious as the rest of them were. James could only imagine what kind of things he had told Regulus.
Bellatrix looked insanely amused. James quickly reminded himself that there was no emotion Bellatrix every showed that did not go along with the word insane.
"Yes, Potter," she said, walking closer to him. "He says you've turned into quite the little girl."
"Skipping meals, quitting Quidditch, fearing a weight gain. It's kind of…silly, isn't it?" said Regulus, smiling. "I've also heard there's been lots of crying."
"That's rich, coming from you," said James, finding his voice. "I remember finding you in hysterics crying after you realized your big brother wasn't coming back."
Bellatrix turned to him, disgusted. "I really hope he's lying," she said.
Regulus nodded vigorously. "I was merely embarrassed to be related to a boy that had done my family so much shame. And…I wasn't crying."
James rolled his eyes. "Whatever."
"So, is it true, Potter? The word around the school is: you're anorexic."
"I'm not," said James, standing up. "Or bulimic," he added loudly, seeing her mouth open again.
"Seem pretty defensive," she said, laughing. "I'll bet it's true."
"Maybe he's afraid he's just not good enough for his little boyfriend," said one of the nameless Slytherins.
James looked up at the ceiling, praying for a bolt of lightning to come. He wasn't fussy about which person he wanted to get hit.
"Perhaps," said Bellatrix. "Maybe all the estrogen in his family finally took him over. Poor James doesn't know how to be a boy."
James knew they were trying to provoke him, and he wasn't going to let himself lose it. He would not give Bellatrix the satisfaction of hurting him, as he knew she wanted it more than anything in the world.
"Cute," said James, getting up from the bench.
Bellatrix gently pushed James, and he tried to grab the wall to keep his balance, but it was too far away. He fell to the ground painfully, but he got up quickly, ignoring their laughter.
"You ought to go find your boyfriend, Potter," said Snape, joining in with the taunting. "He'll be worried."
They laughed again.
Don't let them provoke you.
"Did you eat today, Potter?" said another one of the nameless Slytherins.
James, as if he needed more to embarrass him, was pushed down again. Why could he no longer defend himself?
This time, however, he didn't get up. He didn't want to look at them anymore.
"James?"
This day just kept getting better and better.
"Oh, look at that! My cousin and his friends have arrived," said Bellatrix. "Things get even more interesting."
James wished he had never entered that particular corridor. He felt someone helping him up, and when he chanced a glance at the person, he realized it was Remus. Remus smiled uncomfortably at him.
"Let's go," he said.
"Leave him the hell alone!" Sirius shouted at his cousin.
Remus and Peter were obviously trying to pull him away from the scene quickly, so that he would not have to witness the fight, but he wouldn't move.
"Stop," he said.
He wasn't quite sure he wanted to see the fight, but he didn't want to be told what to do, either. His stubbornness forced him to stand and watch.
"What is your problem?" Sirius asked.
Bellatrix laughed, as she always did when talking to Sirius. "My problem?"
"Sirius, let's go," said Peter, acting the pacifist.
"It's not my fault Potter can't take care of himself," she said. "It's not my fault his big, strong, boyfriend needs to come save him every time."
Sirius looked like he wanted to speak, but then he let out a small laugh. "Wow, this is so ridiculous," he said, possibly remembering that she had a wand, and he didn't.
"Remus."
"What?" said Remus, not taking his eyes off the Slytherins.
"My throat really hurts," said James.
"Sorry," he said.
James wasn't sure he was paying attention.
"And my head."
"Sorry," he said again.
James was feeling dizzy once again, and to prevent himself from falling, he leaned onto Remus.
It was the perfect show for Bellatrix. "Oh, and now he needs you to hold onto him? I think you're a little confused, honey. That's not Sirius."
It was as if no one else was there anymore. It was a private fight between Sirius, James, and Bellatrix.
No matter how dizzy he was, James refused to be tortured about it, so he moved as far away from Remus as he could.
James was having a hard time speaking, but his words were very clear. "I am not a fucking faggot," he said through gritted teeth.
"James, calm down," said Remus. "Does it matter what they think?"
"You," said James, "have no right to say that to me. All you care about is what people think of you."
Remus didn't deny it.
"Fine. Fine, whatever, James," he said. "Let's just go."
James looked close to the panic attack point again, and Remus did not want to put on a show for anyone to see.
People were coming again, but they said nothing, did nothing, and cared not a bit about the group they were walking past.
"No!" said James. "I am tired of being labeled a faggot. I don't eat."
James was admitting to that?
"I don't eat!" he shouted.
"Okay," said Peter, "he's gone mental."
"Shh," said Remus.
"This is fun," said Bellatrix, turning to Snape. "They don't need me to ruin their lives because they do it on their own!"
Though Snape and Bellatrix were clearly enjoying it, Regulus was beginning to look uncomfortable. "Maybe we should just let this…occur on its own or something."
Bellatrix rolled her eyes. "You're such a baby."
"Clearly, you're not getting enough oxygen to your brain," said Sirius. "You're acting crazy."
"Tell them!" said James. "Tell them I'm not like you."
Sirius looked at him, hardly believing this was happening. "James, they know that. They enjoy seeing you like this. I thought you smart enough to not let them provoke you."
And now Bellatrix joined the group of people that were there, but were no longer noticed.
"No," said James. "No, no, no, no, no! You don't get it!"
"Don't get what?" asked Sirius gently.
"That I like this."
"What?" asked Sirius, confused.
"I like this feeling," said James. "I feel good."
Sirius raised an eyebrow. He was holding onto the wall for support. His face was pale. He was dizzy, his throat her, and he looked absolutely terrible. He was also in the middle of a fight. What felt good?
"I mean," James went on slowly, "I like how I feel when I get rid of my food. It makes me feel so strong. So…powerful. That's nice, and the last time I felt good I don't even remember. Why do you want to take that away?"
"Two different conversations here, James," said Sirius.
"When I finally do something that's making me happy, I'm a girl? A faggot?"
"You want to stop using that word?" said Remus weakly.
"And honestly, I'm just—"
"What, James? Disgusting?"
Remus winced.
"That's not what I was going to say," said James, but his voice lowered considerably, and he seemed to remember there were other people around. "I didn't mean that."
"I know that's what you think of me," said Sirius, "but we're not here to talk about that. In fact…we shouldn't be here at all."
"Thank you," said Remus, following Sirius' lead.
"Let's go," said Snape.
"What?" she asked. "You've grown soft-hearted, too?"
"No," said Snape, nodding his head in the opposite direction of James and the others. "Trust me. Let's go."
Bellatrix shrugged, looking disappointed.
When the marauders had gotten as far away as they deemed safe, they stopped walking. James sat down against the wall, and Remus sat next to him.
Cautiously, he put his hand on his shoulder. "James."
"Don't touch me," said James, pulling away from him as if burned.
"Okay," said Remus immediately, moving further away. He'd sort of been expecting it.
James' breathing was coming in short gasps, and he looked extremely flustered.
"I—I don't think you're disgusting," said James.
Sirius was looking down at him, shaking his head. "Don't hurt yourself. Once you relax, we'll walk back to the common room."
"No," said James. "I don't."
"I don't want to talk about this," said Sirius. "Just try to breathe."
"Stop—stop worrying about my breathing!" said James, coughing. "Just listen to me."
"I heard you."
"But you don't believe me."
"How can you expect me to?" said Sirius, smiling sadly. "You're going home, James."
Remus closed his eyes, bracing himself for a fight. "Did you have to say that now?"
"What?" asked James.
"You might be," said Remus.
"I'm not going anywhere," said James, standing up quickly—too quickly.
Everything was spinning.
"I knew everything would be easier," said James.
"What are you talking about?" said Sirius.
"You don't want me around anymore," said James, holding onto the wall behind him. "Well, fine. I'll go."
James had barely walked two steps before he had to stop to catch his balance.
"James…" said Peter slowly.
"You talked…to my sister… It's practically…betrayal."
"Don't talk anymore," said Remus.
"It's just my throat," said James, shaking his head to shake off their worry. "Can you help me to Slughorn's room?"
"Slughorn?" said Remus and Sirius together.
"Just Peter," said James. "You two go back to the common room."
Remus and Sirius exchanged glances. "Okay," said Remus.
Peter helped walk James to the Professor Slughorn's room, and he kindly did not ask why.
They were sending him home. They were pushing the awful burden that he was onto his mother. He wouldn't be a burden to any of them anymore, especially his mum. She didn't need that. It was time to end it.
"Open the door," said James. "He's at a staff meeting."
"Okay," said Peter, always ready to do anything James told him to do. "It's locked."
"Well, obviously," said James. "You have your wand?"
Peter nodded meekly. "Alohomora," he said. He was surprised when it opened.
James smiled at him. "He's never been crazy on security, has he?"
Peter tried to laugh, but James was sort of scaring him. "Open the door," he said. "It's okay, Peter."
Peter felt bad thinking about it, but…he felt this was the first time James had been somewhat nice to anyone in months, and he felt strange to be the one who was privileged enough to see the old James.
James was smiling again.
"Okay, now I need to make this potion for my throat."
"Okay," said Peter nervously.
"Madam Pomfrey…I could go to her, right? But I don't want her to know I'm feeling sick," he said.
"Right," said Peter. "So, it's just safer to make it here, and then I'll go drink it in the bathroom. We just need to get the ingredients."
"So, we're stealing?"
"Well, Slughorn wouldn't mind."
"We're stealing."
"Sort of," said James. "Just come on."
James walked over to the supply closet and found it locked. Peter said the unlocking spell, but it didn't budge.
"Damn," whispered James.
"This is a sign we should leave," said Peter.
"No," said James. "Just…damnit."
James punched his hand through the glass doors of the closet, making Peter flinch. "James!"
James shrugged. "So, he'll know. He won't know you were with me, Peter. Can you do something with my hand?"
He seemed absolutely apathetic about the fact that blood was dripping from his knuckles to the floor.
"Ye—yeah," he said. "Vigoratus."
James' hand stopped bleeding, and he carelessly wiped the dry blood off on his robes.
"James…you're…" Peter didn't know what to say. "Is this really that important?"
James looked at Peter, putting on his best hurt face. "Do you want me to be in pain?"
He knew that Peter could not be as strong as Sirius.
"I—no, of course not. Just hurry."
And, that was exactly why James brought him.
He grabbed everything he needed, and Peter watched nervously as he poured it all into the cauldron.
"Are you sure you're doing that right?" he asked.
James was doing the best he could without instructions in front of him. He could do this. He had to be able to.
"Yes, I am. Are you rubbing it in my face? I'm not that great, but I don't suck either, Peter."
"Sorry!" said Peter, going back to his position, checking the door for Slughorn.
"It just has to sit for ten minutes," said James.
"Ten minutes…" Peter repeated. His eyes were glued to the door, peeking out the peephole, making sure the teacher was nowhere in sight.
Ten minutes later, one student's mistake was James Potter's miracle. He held in his hand the cup that would end it all. All the pain he had caused, all the people he had hurt…they wouldn't have to deal with him anymore.
He had spilled out the rest of the potion into the sink, taking a full cup with him to the bathroom.
"You can go back now, Peter."
"It's okay," said Peter. "I can stay…if you want."
James shook his head. "Don't worry. I haven't eaten anything, so I'm not pushing you away, so I can throw up." He laughed.
Peter tried to laugh too, but it came out as more of a nervous half-snicker. "So, I'll go back, I guess."
"Tell Sirius I'm sorry," said James. "For…well, for everything I've said and done to him over the past couple months."
"Okay…" said Peter. "See you later."
Once James was alone, he drank down the entire potion in one go. If he thought he had felt dizzy before, he had had no idea what that word meant.
And, as he thought about what he was really drinking, the poisonous mixture he had put together, he felt relieved.
Author's Note: Oh,my. That is certainly a mean way to end a chapter, huh? Please, please review! This was a crazy one, I know, and it was 23 pages!
There was someone who asked me a while ago what, exactly, anorexia was. She said she knew, but she wasn't sure if she really understood…or if she was entirely right. I don't know. So, I give you this: Anorexia Nervosa is an eating disorder, primarily affecting adolescent girls and young women (but, as I try to show in this story, some people don't realize it affects males, too), characterized by pathological fear of becoming fat, distorted body image, excessive dieting, and emaciation. It's a psychosomatic disorder in which the sufferer refuses to eat and undertakes activities (such as self-induced vomiting) to bring about extreme weight loss. It may result in death if medical treatment is not obtained. Treatment for anorexia often includes extensive counseling to reveal underlying emotional problems. Helpful?