---

eleven
SLEEPLESS

it's alright to feel a little fear
and don't fight it, it's over your head
it's alright, you wake in in your bed
silhouettes like shivering ancient feelings

they cover my foreign floors and walls
submarines are lurking in my foggy ceiling
they keep me sleepless at night
hey, can you picture the sight?

the figures on the beach in the searing night
and the roaring hurt of my silent fight

can you pull me out
of this sleepless night
can you pull me out?

Sleepless, King Crimson

---

He couldn't sleep.

Shikamaru stared out the window, tapping his pen against the table. It was far from the first time when he had gone without a night of sleep- what bothered him was that usually he was rather tired and fell asleep at the first inclination of boredom or troublesome work. But here he was, staring paperwork right in the face- and while tired, sleep never came.

Of course, there was also the reason why he couldn't sleep last night...

"Shikamaru? You alright?"

He glanced up blearily from the paper to see his old sensei peering down at him with an expression of concern. It took him a moment to register this and stretched exaggeratedly, pulling himself upright. "I'm fine, Iruka-sensei," he yawned, scratching at the back of his neck.

"You look tired..." Iruka frowned at his former student over the pile of papers he carried in his arms. It wasn't that Shikamaru looking tired wasunusual, or anything, but it looked like he hadn't slept at all- and really, Iruka thought, since when had Shikamaru not been able to sleep?

"I am." Shikamaru looked back down for a moment, scanning through the words before flicking the piece of paper in the general direction of a pile he had mentally designated as the Unqualified Applicants pile.

"Shouldn't you try to rest, then?"

"Are you kidding?" Shikamaru forced a laugh. "I'm so behind on everything... just look at all this! Godaime-sama will have me killed in my sleep."

Iruka laughed. "But if you're ill, Shikamaru..." he gestured with his head towards the stack he carried. "I'm pretty much done here. I can cover for you."

"I can't do that to you, sensei," Shikamaru said, shaking his head slowly, inwardly pleading that Iruka wouldn't take his protesting seriously. "It's amazing that you have time to do any of these with those Academy monsters biting at your ankles..." Don't stop being that ever-so-predictable kind-hearted fatherly sensei now...

"Oh, I have my ways to deal with them," Iruka winked. "You really look ill- weren't you sick some time ago, anyway? Maybe it's just relapsing. Get some rest."

"But there's a lot to do- you have any idea how behind I am?"

"You have a pile of papers on your desk and the Exams officially start in two days. I have a good idea."

"So-"

"I insist."

Shikamaru paused before laughing again, rubbing his eyes slowly before nodding gratefully. Thank the Gods. "No one knows how you do it, sensei."

"Maybe you should become an Academy sensei, eh, Shikamaru?"

"Eh?!"

Some laughter and some time later Shikamaru slouched tiredly down the road, grateful for Iruka-sensei's help. The Chuunin Exams would start soon and he wasn't about to get out of the administrative part of his duties, but he could at the very least dodge paperwork. His hand flew to his head that had been throbbing with a dull headache since the early morning. Massaging gently at his forehead, he sighed bitterly. Why- why what?

Why so many things,he thought. Why my head hurts. Why I'm doing this. Why he chose me... why he didn't come.

The florists' was just around the corner, he knew, and his home in the other direction. He turned the corner.

Why I'm feeling this way- shouldn't I be happy that he may be gone? Maybe I am. Maybe it's shock. Probably- yeah, that's probably it. Why I'm walking towards the flower shop. Why I'm looking for her. Why I'm using her.

He saw a blonde girl wave at him cheerily from behind the counter of the flower shop as he walked on and returned the greeting, though with somewhat less gusto.

Why am I here?

He almost laughed.

Oh, you damn well know why, Shikamaru, he told himself. If there's one thing you need now – it's a distraction.

---

Kakashi couldn't find Sasuke.

If this had been a few days ago, it would've been nothing more than normal.

Now, it was entirely different.

The jounin frowned from his perch on a steady tree bough, peering through the foliage. Not a sign of the Uchiha anywhere. He'd been searching for hours, now, and hadn't found a shred of anything to follow, not even the last remnants of a lingering scent trail. But this time was not like the others- he had to find Sasuke.

"Anything, Kakashi-sensei?"

And this time, he had been desperate enough to call for help.

The pink-haired kunoichi appeared next to him, panting, clearly exhausted from her own search. She looked up hopefully at the jounin, only to sigh defeatedly when he shook his head. "Where did you check, Sakura?"

She pulled herself upright against the trunk of the tree, standing up and staring steadily at the lights of a night-time Konoha just visible through the trees. "All through the village... even the old Uchiha place." She shuddered- even as a battle-hardened ninja she had to admit that that place was simply... creepy. Buildings still in proper shape completely abandoned, home only to dust and cobwebs- ancient bloodstains splattered all over the cold grey walls... and she swore sometimes she could hear whispers, echoes of the horrific tragedy that had taken place there. "Maybe we should get some help."

"I've checked most of the surrounding forest," Kakashi replied. He shrugged. "Help- from who? Naruto?"

"We have to tell him sooner or later," she said. "He'd want to know."

"I know." Kakashi looked away- Naruto would want to know... and was there any point in not telling him? Was protecting him really... protecting him? He glanced back at his former student, eyes softening slightly. Years ago he would've never thought that Sakura would train under Tsunade herself, that she would grow to be the most dependable out of the three genin that had trained under him... someone that he would be coming to for help. In... more areas than one.

Kakashi had planned on somehow asking Sakura about Sasuke in an attempt to understand how the Uchiha thought- so he could better understand the current fiasco with Shikamaru, and understand how to help him. Also, to satisfy his own curiosity. He'd taught the kid for years, after all- what was it that he didn't know? He couldn't ask Naruto, and so he would have to ask Sakura. No one else would know Sasuke to any degree at all. Sasuke had never been the talkative type- if it weren't for the fact that they were on the same team and forced to spend so much time together, Sasuke would probably have never said a single word to any of them. Only Team 7 knew him.

Then, of course, Sasuke had to vanish, leaving little time for Kakashi to bug his former student about random things. He knew that their search would be fruitless- she knew it too. It didn't stop them from searching. But they were both exhausted, as much as Kakashi did not show it, and they would probably rest here for awhile... so better late than never, Kakashi figured.

"Sakura," he began.

"Hn?"

"About Sasuke..."

Sakura raised an eyebrow. This was certainly... unusual.

"We need to understand him."

"What do you mean, sensei?" The kunoichi frowned. She sat down next to him on the branch- she sensed a kind of awkwardness to his normally calm voice. It was probably something serious he was asking about- but for now she had no idea what he meant.

"I thought I understood him more than others," Kakashi admitted, after a somewhat long pause. "But Sasuke's so distant, of late."

This is odd, Kakashi thought candidly to himself. It felt odd. Was there any reason to his hesitation, really? No, he couldn't quite think of one. He watched as Sakura nodded- she understood. They all understood Sasuke- in their own way. Perhaps sharing their knowledge... would be a strange experience, yes, but might help them understand Sasuke more as a whole.

"But why, Sensei?"

Ah, there it was. The dreaded why. Spit it out, Kakashi."Because I want to help him, and I don't know how."

He calmly waited for the reply, expecting to be teased at least a little. For all his apathy it was well known to anyone who even vaguely knew him was that one of Kakashi's greatest desires was to protect those around him. His team mates. His colleagues. His...friends. Sakura definitely at least knew that much. But for him to admit it? Never. Not unless they were staring into the face of hell itself.

"He's lonely," Sakura said with a sigh.

Kakashi blinked, and waited for her to continue.

"I know you were lonely too, sensei," she said- Kakashi flinched a little- what did Sakura know-? "I only know a little. But even before... everything, your family was already... broken." She paused, glancing at the jounin, whose silence she took as a sign that it was alright to continue. She had heard a little about Kakashi's past through her work, and seen the names of his father and his team mates while sorting through records... she didn't know much, but she knew enough. "But Sasuke's family wasn't. He was happy- he always was. If... if it hadn't happened..."

She paused, drawing a deep breath, eyelids flickering briefly. Kakashi took it all in. After all this time, Sakura? He thought. Even now?

"But killing him is his only purpose in life now... and I never... I never understood that."

"He believes it's why Itachi kept him alive," Kakashi said coolly. "He thinks that part of his brother wanted to be punished for his crime- and that Itachi left someone alive so that one day he could be killed. He almost... almost literally believes that vengeance is the only reason for his existence. That vengeance was the only reason why his life was spared."

And we need to sway him from that path, Kakashi thought. That's what we always needed to do, eh, Sakura?

"I never knew why he couldn't break away," she said softly. "To live a life so full of hatred... it must be painful. Lonely. Hard."

"Hn." The jounin simply had nothing to add. How do you explain the incredible loneliness to someone who has led a relatively happy, normal life? How do you explain the crushing regret and self-hatred, the overwhelming drive to survive- how do you explain how you would shrink from the touch of others, even if it felt comforting- not daring to lose it again? How could you explain the jealousy as you watched other people living in their cheerful families? The answer was simple. You don't. It was something that had to be experienced, to be understood. And even though Kakashi had heard of the Uchiha massacre before he first saw the boy- it was the first time the jounin saw his eyes, that he knew. Jaded and cynical, pushing away everything- and hiding behind it all a great emptiness and overwhelming regret. He sometimes found it interesting, that Team 7 had been formed Team 7.

Naruto reached out to Sasuke, in his own way. People who didn't know the boy well called him an idiot- and well, Kakashi had to admit, he really was an idiot at times. But he lived through his own loneliness, as well- and had the incredible strength to see it through without dampening his spirit. He had such strength, such will- just like Yondaime. Despite being picked on... just like Obito. And Kakashi liked to think that he meant as much to Sasuke as Obito meant to him. Rivals. Comrades. Friends. When Kakashi had arrived at the Valley of the End to see Sasuke in the distance collapse in the falling rain, not fair from Naruto's already unconscious body, he wondered- was Sasuke too weak? Or could he not bring himself to deal the final blow?

And Sakura. Of course, Sakura. At first just a member of Sasuke's legion of mindless fangirls. A simple victim of a young girl's romantic fantasy- even more so after she began to know him. Where she once only saw the... cool guy in school, the unattainable prize, she began to see a team mate- a friend, someone to be admired for his strength- but pitied for his bitter life. She saw past his coldness, saw beyond his jaded eyes- she saw past what Naruto saw, and she saw what Kakashi did. She did not understand... she could not understand. But she cared for her friend- and dreamed of when she would be the one to melt his cold heart. And to some level, Kakashi thought, Sasuke probably appreciated it.

Only like himself- he probably wouldn't know what to do with it.

Kakashi could hardly care about social intricacies, and he was also completely helpless at them. Forced to grow up at a tender age- he had no childhood and didn't exactly play nice with the other kids. Sasuke was the same- relating to others was just something he had never learned. He was going to- after all, he so admired his brother and seemed to share such a bond with him... and then everything was stolen from him, right before his eyes.

Why, Itachi? Did you not care for your brother after all? But then... why? Why is he alive? Would it have been better to kill him then to let him lead this torturous existence? Sasuke, too, must strive to understand his brother- and cares about him, still, amidst all this hatred. Kakashi could only imagine how torn he was... especially since...

"Sasuke's greatest fear," Kakashi said, breaking the long silence.

"Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura blinked. Sasuke's greatest... fear?

"Sasuke wants to please people," he said. He wasn't sure if Sakura would understand- but it was how he had always understood it. The boy had always had this incredible inner drive to satisfy the expectations of everyone around him- and given his disability to properly relate to people, it turned out strangely. People expected great things of him- and so he strived to be strong. People expected him to be cold and hateful- and so he was. Without all these expectations, Kakashi sometimes wondered- who would he have become? Everyone had always placed expectations on him... it was no wonder, perhaps, that Sasuke had fled- to break away from it all. "He fears failing expectations."

Sakura nodded. It made sense, she supposed. It was still odd, hearing it being placed this way, and yet... it might be true. Could be. Probably. She wasn't sure if she knew him anymore.

"But most of all," Kakashi continued, "He fears failing his brother... failing his brother and the great Uchiha legacy that has been placed on his shoulders."

Such a great burden, Kakashi thought. If only you understood that you never had to face it alone.

"I saw him before he left," Sakura said quietly. "I saw him... I told him to stay. I told him not to go. He... he thanked me."

Thanked her? Kakashi thought. All this time all the care that Sasuke had received was either ignored or pushed away... and he always thought that he would push it all away for fear of attaching again. For fear of being hurt. For fear of being distracted from his one true purpose in life. For him to thank Sakura... it was... odd. He had always thought that Sasuke was convinced that most people cared about him for arbitrary reasons- like how his fangirls only cared about him because he was apparently "cool". How Kakashi cared because he was his sensei. How Sakura and Naruto (in his own way) cared because they were his team mates. How if it came down to it, if none of it had happened, none of them would care. Kakashi couldn't help but wonder- really, if none of them had been in the same team, they probably would never give Sasuke a second glance. It was a depressing thought- but most likely true.

"...but I couldn't stop him," Sakura finished.

In the long silence that followed, Kakashi half-expected Sakura to be crying. But she wasn't- she was just staring off into the distance with clenched fists and determination in her eyes. She was so much stronger now than what she used to be- he recalled the young genin Sakura, hopelessly chasing after Sasuke's affections, constantly unable to measure up to Naruto or Sasuke's standards, usually lingering behind in missions and allowing them to take the lead... how much she'd grown since then.

"But that was me then," she said, pulling herself upright- apparently the thoughts of both of them sharing their understandings forgotten. "This is me now." She leapt forward into the forest without a backward glance- no doubt to continue her search.

Some other time he would talk to her- not now. Kakashi stared in the direction where she had gone. She was right. Their search was far from over. But Kakashi knew... that they wouldn't find him.

Part of him wanted to believe that Sasuke was still trying to find a way out. That he still struggled against it. That he still wanted a normal life... that in his own way, he was trying to break free. And maybe, just maybe... that was why. Shikamaru, Kakashi thought to himself. Him, of all people... and the jounin didn't understand. But Sasuke never did things without a reason- and the jounin would be disappointed, but not surprised, if it turned out to be part of some grand scheme involving Itachi's death. He couldn't for the life of him figure it out, though.

But you're gone. Whatever you were trying... did it work? He shook his head- as much as he pondered it, he never understood. It was useless trying to get into Sasuke's head. They had both experienced great pain and loss in their lives, true- there was no telling which pain was greater, but it didn't matter. Their pains were different, and there was no way it could be fully understood by anyone but themselves.

The one thing I still hold true, Kakashi thought, standing up on the branch. The protection of my... friends. Of my precious people.

He paused- and allowed himself a moment of weakness before he took off to continue his search. Sighing deeply, he pressed a hand to his sweating brow.

Don't tell me I've failed in even that one thing... Sasuke.

---

"Get some rest, Shikamaru!"

Ino sighed as he raised a hand in acknowledgement, not turning around- vanishing around the corner down the road. He looked horrible- even though he had only missed a night's worth of sleep- and really it surprised her that he was still awake enough to see her. As pleasant of a surprise as it was, she pretty much expected him to be rushing home and collapsing on his bed to snore most of the day away- but Shikamaru had said hecouldn't sleep. Which was a problem she never thought Shikamaru would have.

Honestly, she thought to herself, The very least he can do is take care of himself...

Now, of course, there were other matters to attend to. Apart from flowers.

"What is it, Neji?"

It was awhile later before the white-robed jounin emerged from behind a shelf of flowers, looking somewhat indignant and mildly surprised. "I didn't use concealing techniques, but I didn't expect to be noticed," he said, carrying a tone of annoyance in his voice.

"I may not be as smart as you or Shikamaru, but I'm not stupid," Ino said smugly with a small grin, winking playfully at the Hyuuga as she leaned against the counter- her grin widening as he blinked and moved back a little, clearly uncomfortable. Heh. Neji is such a prude.

How inappropriate, Neji thought to himself, staring at Ino with an air of impatience. "You didn't call me out earlier?"

"I've seen you around, Neji, and clearly you aren't quite seeing eye-to-eye with Shikamaru for some reason. Also he was either too tired to notice you- or he noticed, and ignored you," she pointed out, stepping out from behind a counter and misting some flowers with a spray bottle. "Neither suggested that I should drag you into the open just then."

"...ah."

"So why are you here, Neji?"

Ino watched amusedly as Neji faltered slightly- it was rather entertaining to poke fun at someone who was normally so wooden-faced and serious. But still... why was Neji here? He was hardly the kind of person to buy flowers... unless someone had caught his eye. She laughed to herself- it was impossible to imagine Neji buying flowers for anyone, and the mental image of a Neji shyly trying to win the affections of some girl was both disturbing and amusing. When it became clear that she wasn't going to get an answer from him any time soon, she went on to another question- in a more serious tone, something that she'd been wanting to ask for some time. "What did you say to him, Neji?"

"I'm... sorry?"

"Shikamaru's been acting... odd." She didn't turn around to face him and continued to rearrange and prune the flowers in front of her, keeping her gaze low. It wasn't only the strange feeling that Shikamaru was preoccupied with something throughout the day- the way she couldn't help but doubt what Shikamaru was supposed to feel for her... that while he let her lean against him, his shoulders always felt so stiff and rigid and cold. Ever since... "Ever since I dragged him out to dinner after he gave me those flowers," she said with a small smile. "I pointed it out, then. He said not to worry about it- just that they day before you were playing shougi, and he had some things to think about."

"...Ah."

Ino waited for an answer- impatient, yes, but preoccupied enough with her own musings not to rush the jounin into an answer. Just what, exactly, was going on?

"Can I ask you something, Ino?" Neji probed. He would answer Ino's questions as well, but he had his own.

"Eh, sure..." Ino shrugged, finally turning around to face him, frowning slightly. There was just something in Neji's tone that worried her.

"Before all of this-" Just what was "All of this"? Ino thought- "did Shikamaru come to you? Or help, or something. Of any sort."

She blinked- it was an odd question to ask, but, well, "Yes." Did that have to do with anything? Wasn't it just Shikamaru being shy? Even going to the point of making up some story about a stalker... a gay stalker, at that. She thought it was weird, but sweet. "He said he was having problems with someone following him around and then stopping or something like that... I can't quite remember. I thought it was just him being shy," she added with a smile. "He even said that it wasn't a girl, but a guy- I always found that a bit of an elaborate lie to tell, but I can't exactly say I understand how Shikamaru's mind works."

Neji nodded quietly. Of course... he was looking for help, after all. He is using you, Ino, but you have no idea... but maybe he didn't mean to. If he really was looking for help in the first place... A problem with someone following him. How exactly did all this start, then... had Sasuke made the first move? Was he stalking Shikamaru? ...for what purpose? "And does it ever feel... strange?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're dating him, right?" he said, somewhat matter-of-factly.

Ino blinked, but nodded. "I... guess." Nevermind all my doubts now.

"So does it ever feel... not right? Like he's not really there? Like he's thinking of someone else?" He might be pushing it, but he wanted to know if Ino knew. If she suspected.

Ino's eyes widened, taken aback by his words. "Well- ah- yes," she said, hesitating slightly, her gaze trailing to the floor before darting back up again. But... how did you- ?

So she's noticed, at least a bit...but not enough. She doesn't know. Neji nodded grimly, allowing the silence between them to stretch on for awhile- to the point where it became somewhat awkward.

"So why are you here, Neji?" the kunoichi said, finally breaking the silence with a cheerful air. "Buying flowers for someone?" She continued, with a wink.

"I- what?" Neji sputtered, eyes widening. "No, it's- it's not-"

"So who is it? I can keep a secret," she grinned. "Tenten? Or- is it me? Heh, you're sweet, Neji!"

"Tenten- what? It's-" he paused, closing his eyes and drawing a deep breath- finally realizing that he was being teased. He heard Ino giggle- and his lips twitched ever so slightly into a small smile. A small, reluctant and annoyed smile, but a smile.

I can wonder all I want but that's not why I came, Neji reminded himself. "What I said to him that day- I'll tell you. But first- what I'm here for..." he opened his eyes, gazing straight at Ino with his piercing pupil-less eyes. Whether he didn't mean to or not... he's still using you. And you need to know. "I've something to tell you, Ino."

---

Five days.

Five nights spent alone... five nights without sleep.

Two days spent staggering around half-dead... three days wandering around within his home, trying desperately to fall asleep. To be so tired- and yet be unable to sleep, to the point where hallucinations danced in front of his eyes and he was haunted by waking dreams.

He remembered, days before, when the Chuunin Exams began- tired as he was he had struggled in his duties... called to be lectured when he had missed a cue- but then instantly sent home once Tsunade caught sight of his condition, pale and weak with droopy eyelids.

He remembered seeing Ino at his door, more than once- more than twice. He saw her through the window, but he never opened the door. She would stay there for hours, sometimes alone, sometimes with Chouji- sometimes, oddly enough, with Neji (the bastard)- but she would leave again by the time the evening came. She was probably worried. He would be, too- but she couldn't help him, now.

Shikamaru stirred restlessly on his bed- his pale skin soaked with cold sweat, his breaths ragged. He did not understand how someone could be so tired yet unable to sleep- his muscles seemed to ache with every forced movement and even his breath felt laboured. He would spend what felt like hours flipping around, falling asleep for scarcely more than a minute at a time, glancing at the clock by his bed to find that hardly any time had passed at all. And when the night came and the skies beyond his window darkened, he would stare at the window he'd always kept open since that first night, at the curtains flapping in the evening breeze- and as the time ticked on he would just stare, slowly fading in and out of consciousness, only ever gaining a precious few moments of rest- staring, watching, at the window that was always empty.

Every moment that went by he grew even more tired- those scarce moments of sleep were hardly enough. He muttered to himself things- words of tiredness and confusion and hatred, but he was hardly aware of what they are, so tired he was- but he knew, he knew that if this continued for much longer, he would go mad.

And one thought- one thought kept him sane. As ironic as it was, he hated it, how he depended on it- but he needed it. Only the thought of Sasuke kept his mind alive. Only the overwhelming hatred and confusion and want and desire- only it felt real. Had he grown so dependant on those nightly visits, that he could not live without them? Like some kind of pathetic victim, growing to depend on his abuse?

But it wasn't really abuse- he enjoyed it. He liked it. He hated himself for it- hated those almost masochistic feelings. Not to mention- was it really abuse, was it really forced- when all this time he'd always keep the window open, he would take off his jacket before waiting on the bed, that he would allow himself to be pushed back- was it really? And the question- so many questions still burned in his mind, but one kept constantly pushing itself forward... Why?

Five days- five days without Sasuke, five days without sleep. Maybe those days he'd lived- the weeks of his masquerade when ever night was a dream, every morning a nightmare, and everything between a blur, a daze that felt so surreal- he'd always thought (with bitter hatred) that he was looking forward to those nights when he didn't have to lie, when he didn't have to pretend... and maybe, just maybe, he'd actually grown to depend on them.

He clasped his hand around the small wooden piece- the pawn that Neji had taken out- when was it? It felt so long ago, now, so distant and faded and gone. If not for the overwhelming tiredness that he felt, he simply could not tell if he was awake or asleep- it felt like he was pushing his way through a thick fog, swimming in it, suffocating in it. And he reached his hands through the fog- felt the gentle caress of flower petals against his cold, outreached fingertips. The flower vase, by his bed- he picked up the flowers in a shaking hand, staring at them blearily.

White umbels he couldn't quite identify- some corianders, lavender... and a black rose. What were they supposed to remind him of? What he'd done for Ino. Right. But what they did remind him of, every time... was Sasuke.

Shikamaru shuddered, his eyes softening as he continued to stroke the soft dark petals in his fingers. In all his years as a ninja, to have something like this cause him so much trouble... what kind of a shinobi was he? What would... what would Asuma make of this? He gazed at the flowers- and wondered just how he had been so plainly near-terrified by them before. They seemed to so... comforting, now, and something warm washed over him- he felt so tired...

He knew very well what those flowers meant... an obsession he was still unwilling to name and admit. But somehow... they made him feel better.

He curled up on his side and closed his eyes, nestled in his sheets like a young child hiding in the safety of his bed. The fresh scent of roses and corianders lingered in his nose with every breath, and a hint of lavender- he was so tired... and his thoughts full of the flowers grasped loosely in his hands and their meaning, he finally, finally drifted to sleep, for the first time in days.

---

A/N: Bleh, this was really hard to write for some reason and I'm still not too happy with it. Sorry for the lateness, and as always enjoy! It's a little longer than usual to make up for it, hopefully. XD Thanks for reading and leave a message!

I update my profile on progress about chapters, so feel free to check by. D