Chapter 11
She grabbed his arm and hugged him closer. "I love you," she said into his neck. She placed a quick kiss below his ear.
"I know," he shot her a cocky smile and turned to jog across the street in the direction of his office before the light changed.
She walked a couple blocks before her phone buzzed in her pocket. Olivia smiled when she looked at the screen. It was a text from Ed, "I love you, too."
"I know," was her instant reply.
The rest of the week seemed to drag by for Olivia, but then all of the sudden it was Sunday. She planned to meet Elliot at 7am, so they'd have several hours at the cabin. She promised Ed and the kids she'd be home in time for dinner, and that was a promise she intended to keep.
Ed obviously wasn't jumping up and down with excitement over her plans, but he didn't push it. He just kissed her and told her to drive safely as she put on her coat to leave.
She pulled up to the curb just in time to see Elliot exiting the coffee shop with two cups of coffee. He smiled when he saw her, and for one brief moment she felt like she'd gone back in time. He sat one cup on the roof of the car and opened the door handing her the other cup.
"You shaved your goatee."
"Yeah, the kids convinced me that it made me look older." He grabbed his cup and got in the car.
She sipped her coffee. He remembered exactly how she liked it. Not that it was surprising; she'd never forget how he liked his coffee or his favorite lunch order.
They made small talk most of the way out to the cabin. Mostly he filled her in on how the investigation was going. They'd managed to catch two more of the trafficking ring perps before they fled the country. One of them flipped and was giving them information about the operations of the ring.
She asked how his kids were handling everything. He asked about her kids plans for the summer. It was easy, familiar.
Once they got near the cabin, they stopped for another cup of coffee and a couple breakfast sandwiches. They were both relieved when they got to the cabin and saw that the crime scene unit hadn't made too much of a mess of things, and the cleaning crew Ed hired had done a good job of getting rid of the blood and the smell.
All that was left was to get rid of the broken table and lamp. Elliot offered to leave some cash to cover the damages, but he had no idea how much the stuff cost. They went back and forth on it for a while.
"Why don't you just leave a note with your name and number?" She was subtly trying to eliminate the need for her to be the intermediary with Ed's friend.
"So you don't have to be involved." So much for subtlety.
"There's no reason for me to be. I don't even know the guy."
"Okay, I get it."
They fell into silence while they worked in the kitchen, her cleaning the food he'd bought out of the refrigerator while he gathered up the trash to place in the bin outside. She felt like he was brooding, but she didn't want to open a can of worms by asking him about it.
When he came back from taking out the trash, she'd moved into the living room to check things out. "Things look good in here. What else do we have to do?"
"I just need to get my stuff from the bedroom and bathroom down the hall." He said heading in that direction.
She followed, "I'll take the bathroom and let you get your clothes."
"Okay," he said, not stopping.
She easily found his things in the bathroom. He'd let them overflow from his small shaving kit bag onto the counter. Men had it so easy when it came to packing. A razor, a toothbrush, toothpaste and some soap and they could get by.
She did have to hunt around for the cap to his aftershave which he hadn't bothered to put back on. She found the cap behind a box of tissues and couldn't stop herself from taking a whiff from the bottle. Olivia was immediately transported back to endless nights with him in the car on stakeouts, him standing over her at her desk, borrowing his jacket, all the times that scent had enveloped her senses.
For years it had been a sense of comfort and security. After he left, when she smelled it on someone else, it was at first a painful sense memory that caused her to look expectantly for him. Over time, it became a bittersweet nostalgia.
She shook her head at the memories, put the cap on the bottle and dropped it into the bag. She stepped into the bedroom where Elliot was putting the last of his clothes into a duffle bag. She tossed the small bag on to the side of the bed where he stood.
"You might want to take a look to make sure I got everything."
He looked up and shrugged his shoulders before tucking the smaller bag into his duffle. "I didn't have much, I'm sure you got it."
"Okay, I'm just going to check on the stuff in the wash." Luckily, she'd thought to strip the linens and throw them in the washing machine when they first arrived. Hopefully, it was ready to go in the dryer.
He nodded and zipped up his bag. Then, taking one last scan of the room, he followed her from the bedroom.
Olivia made quick work of switching the laundry from the washer to the dryer and joined Elliot in the living room. She took a seat at the opposite end of the couch from him and pulled out her phone. It was only 10:45, so she sent Ed a quick text letting him know that they were almost finished at the house and just had to pick up the car before heading home.
She'd barely hit send when Elliot popped up and went to stand by the window. He'd been edgy since they got to the cabin, and she couldn't figure out why.
"You okay?"
"Hmm," he barely turned to look at her. "Oh yeah, I'm fine."
"You sure?" She got up and went to stand next to him.
"I'm sure," he replied staring straight ahead out the window. He nodded in the direction of the laundry room. "How long's that stuff gonna take?"
"Probably about an hour, maybe a little longer."
He just nodded.
"It's beautiful up here."
Another nod.
"I'll have to see if Ed and I can borrow it some weekend. I bet it's great in the fall."
"I'm going for a walk." He stepped around her and reached for the door.
She backed up to let him pass, but she couldn't hide the shock at his sudden dismissal. He went to close the door behind him, but she caught it before he did. He didn't let go, so his arm was effectively blocking her path. He looked up at her with both a question and a look of frustration on his face.
She felt like he was trying to get away from her. Only one way to find out. "Mind if I tag along?"
He dropped his hand from the door and motioned for her to pass. She followed him down the stairs and toward the tree line. They walked along in silence for a little while before she tried again to get him to talk.
"So, where we headed?"
"There's a little ridge about a mile and a half down this trail. It's a nice view." He answered her, but still wasn't engaging fully.
She figured it'd take them a little longer than the drying laundry, but it's not like they needed to rush. They'd still have plenty of time to get his car and her to get back to the city by late afternoon.
They both seemed lost in thought, so the 45 minute walk passed relatively quickly and quietly. Just before they got to the clearing, Elliot suddenly stopped her with an outstretched arm. She was about to ask what the problem was, but he put his finger to his lips. Olivia looked at him, confused. He motioned for her to come toward him.
Years of partnership and unspoken communication led her to just do what he asked. She closed the distance and still couldn't figure out what was up. He pulled her by the arm until she was standing half in front of him. He reached around her and pointed through a break in the trees.
"Look," he whispered into her ear. A chill ran through her, when his breath hit her neck. She followed his direction and that's when she saw. It was a deer and its fawn. She flashed him a bright smile. He returned it, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. In them, she saw what she could only describe as sadness.
After they watched for a few minutes, the deer got spooked and ran off into the denser part of the woods. "This way." He nodded to his right, then took her hand to lead her into a clearing. The view was breathtaking. They could see a valley below and another ridge of mountains across the way.
"It's beautiful."
"Yeah, I found it on my first day up here. Kept coming out here when I needed to clear my head. Never saw any deer 'til today, though."
"I know it was hard for you being cooped up out here all alone."
It was only when he squeezed her hand that she realized he was still holding it. She squeezed back before letting go. He didn't let go immediately, but when she turned to look at him he snapped out of it and dropped her hand.
She was getting whiplash from his mood swings. One minute he didn't seem to want her around the next he didn't seem to want to let her to go.
"What's going on with you, Elliot?"
"What do you mean?"
"This hot/cold, brooding thing you've had going on since we got here."
He shrugged.
She turned her attention back to the view. She didn't press the issue. If he wanted to share, he would.
Apparently he didn't. Instead he just joined her in staring out over the valley below. Stepping just close enough that their shoulders bumped lightly.
SVUSVUSVU
Amanda had just left with Nicole when Ed got Olivia's text. He sighed. He didn't like the idea of her spending a whole day alone with Stabler. While he'd never admit it, he felt jealous. It wasn't that he didn't trust her or that he even thought anything like that, he just didn't like her spending time with her old partner.
At least he'd have the game to distract him. Noah was beyond excited. It was their first game of the season, and the boy had gone on all morning about the possibility of catching a foul ball. While he seemed more interested in playing soccer, Ed was pleased that he at least enjoyed watching baseball.
"Dad, can we go now?"
"We're not supposed to pickup Evan for another half hour, kiddo."
Noah tossed the baseball he was holding straight up in the air. Ed reached over to catch it. "You know you're not supposed to throw this in the house."
"I'm bored. Can't we just be early?"
Ed smiled. "Alright. He figured that if Evan was as impatient as Noah, it wouldn't be a problem if they were a little early. In truth, Ed was on edge with everything going on, and he didn't want to take out his frustration on Noah by snapping at him if he kept whining.
Evan's mom, Jan, gave Ed a knowing smile when she opened the door. "We're a little eager, too."
She called for Evan who showed up immediately. Ed told her he'd have him back around 4. Jan thanked him again for thinking of her son. Her husband had just walked out on her a several months ago with no explanation other than he couldn't do it anymore. Evan had been devastated, and Jan was worried when he started acting out.
Liv suggested they try to include Evan in more guy activities. She couldn't understand how a parent could just walk out on their kid and not look back. And from what she could tell, the guy didn't even bother to call on his son's birthday. Ed wanted to track him down and knock some sense into him, but he settled for trying to be positive male influence in the kid's life.
When they got to the stadium, Ed bought them all hot dogs and sodas. They had pretty decent seats along the third base line.
The first four innings were pretty dull with the Mets scoring one and the Nationals scoring two. Evan was the true baseball fan. He'd been in little league since t-ball and seemed content watching the plays and counting the stats. Noah didn't really care about the statists, he wanted action.
Finally, in the fifth inning, the Mets had the bases loaded and the Nat's pitcher was starting to show signs of fatigue. By the bottom of the sixth, the Mets were up 5-2.
That was when a pop foul sailed in their direction. Noah and Evan both jumped up and raced to the end of their row where it looked like the ball might come down. Being the taller of the two, Noah easily snatched the ball from the air. The boys jumped up and down cheering. Ed called them back over to their seats.
"Did you see that, Dad? I caught it. Just like that." Noah was beyond pleased with himself.
"Do you think we'll get another one this way?" Evan asked, hopefully.
"Keep your eyes on the game, you never know." Ed encouraged.
Noah cocked his head and watched his friend turn back to the game with just a hint of disappointment. "I think you should have it," he said before putting the ball in Evan's hand.
"You caught it. Fair and square." Evan said.
"Yeah, but you're the one who really likes baseball. I just wanted to see if I could catch it."
"You're sure."
Noah nodded, "It's okay, right, Dad?"
Ed was shocked by the gesture. It was the one thing that had excited Noah about the game. "If that's what you want. It's yours to give."
"You're the best friend I ever had." Evan told Noah. He tossed the ball into the mitt on his other hand and smiled the biggest smile Ed had seen on the kid in months.
Ed ruffled Noah's hair, proud of his son's thoughtfulness. None of them realized the whole thing from the catch to the give away had been caught on camera.
SVUSVUSVU
Olivia and Elliot stayed at the clearing for just a few minutes before he suggested they head back. She walked in front of him back toward the path, and her stomach growled loudly. He laughed. "Guess we should get you some lunch."
"I'm starving." She admitted as she turned to walk toward the door.
When they got to the cabin, she helped him remake the bed and put away the now clean towels. He was quiet. Still brooding.
"Are you sure you're okay?" She asked as she closed the linen closet door. He mumbled some kind of response and walked away.
"Elliot?" She called and followed him back to the living room. He was gathering his duffle bag. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing." What was he going to tell her? That he didn't know how to be in her life like this. On the outside. He didn't know how she'd done it for twelve years. He didn't think he'd been wrong about her feelings for him back then, but how could anyone ignore it for so long.
"Something's bothering you."
"It doesn't matter." It didn't matter. Just as she never crossed the line back then, he knew she wouldn't now.
"Fine." She rolled her eyes and stepped around him toward the door. Elliot dropped his bag and suddenly his hands were on her shoulders turning her back to him. He pulled her toward him for what she thought would be another desperate hug, something she still wasn't used to.
Instead, the next thing she knew his lips were on hers. It wasn't gentle, but it wasn't exactly fierce either. It was a kiss. Her first reaction was to freeze in shock. Then he became more demanding. One of his hands slid from her shoulder to the back of her neck to pull her mouth into his.
She should resist. She should stop this madness. But she couldn't seem to get a grip. He was using his teeth to nip at her bottom lip, and she couldn't focus on anything else. She needed to breathe, to push him away.
Olivia mumbled something against his lips. Instead of listening, he used the opportunity to deepen the kiss even more. He was relentless in his pursuit. She was lost to it. To him. But she knew she needed to stop this.
She put her hands on his chest and pushed hard enough to get her point across but not so hard that it would physically move him. He got the hint and withdrew. She pulled her head away from him. He didn't let go of her, so they were still nose to nose, their breathing ragged.
"What the hell was that?" She wrenched her shoulder from him and took a step back.
He watched her for minute. One of his hands had fallen from her shoulder but the other still loosely held her forearm.
"Elliot? I'm serious. What the hell was that?"
"I shouldn't have." He never stopped looking at her.
"Damn right." She shook her head at him. Ed would kill him.
"I know I shouldn't have," he repeated. "But I'm not sorry. I had to know."
She yanked her arm from his grip. "You had to know?! You had to know what?"
"Don't Olivia." He scrubbed a hand over his face. "Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about."
"It doesn't matter anymore." She wanted to slap him, punch him, shoot him. She opted to just walk away. He stopped her again with a hand on her bicep.
She spun back to him. "Elliot, don't push this. You crossed a line. A line we never crossed."
"Why didn't we?"
She wanted to scream. "We are not having this conversation now." Her voice had taken on the throaty quality she used on perps she was trying to break. It unnerved him.
"Olivia, if it doesn't matter anymore, let's just hash it out."
Once again, she yanked herself from his grasp and walked quickly toward her car. He picked up his bag and jogged after her. "Liv, we need to talk."
"If you want me to take you to get your car, you will get in right now and quit this bullshit."
Instead of walking to the passenger side, he moved to join her on the driver's side. Before he reached her, she got in and slammed the door. Then she rolled down the window a couple inches.
"I mean it Elliot," her voice was tight. "I will leave you here. It's at least ten miles into town. You really wanna walk that far? You think Uber works out here? I don't."
He studied her for a minute, and realized she was dead serious. She would actually leave him here. "Okay, Liv." He walked around and tossed his duffle in the back before climbing in next to her.
She slammed the car into gear and headed toward the police station. She laughed to herself. It's lucky for him we're going to be surrounded by police, otherwise I might kill him.
He saw her expression and knew exactly what she was thinking. "A station house full of cops wouldn't stop you."
She rolled her eyes at his ability to still know what she was thinking. "You're probably right." She did not want to talk about this, but she couldn't exactly ignore it either. Part of her wished she'd left him at the cabin and said to hell with him. Part of her still wanted to know what the hell he was thinking.
"Why?"
"You have to ask?" He mocked.
"After all the time we were partners, why now?" She wanted real answers.
"You're already lost to me, so…" His voice trailed off.
That wasn't what either of them were expecting. "Wow. I don't even know what to say to that."
They rode in silence the rest of the way. Her mind was reeling. She still didn't know what made him obliterate that line, but it made it so much easier for her to reach the decision to let him go. That realization made her pause.
"You knew," she whispered as she pulled into the police station parking lot.
"Knew what?"
She put the car in park and turned to look at him. "For weeks, Elliot, I've been trying to figure out if there's a place for you in my life."
He tilted his head toward her. He did know. "Now you know there isn't."
"I still just don't get it, though. All those years, we never." Because Elliot was married, or in some kind of limbo separation that wasn't quite divorce. That rekindled her anger. She would have never ever crossed that line out of regard for his marriage, but it was like her marriage wasn't as respectable to him.
"Is it because I married Tucker? You don't like him, so you don't respect my marriage?"
"What? Liv, no." That wasn't what he thought, was it? He hadn't thought of it that way, but now that she mentioned it. Maybe he did disrespect her matrimonial boundaries less because it was Tucker she was married to. Talk about a mind fuck.
"I never would have pulled this with you Elliot, never."
"I know. You always were the saint." He looked out the window. She was right. She never would have. Ever. "Liv, there were times you cared more about my marriage than I did."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"All those years you tried to help me and Kathy. You never wondered what might have been if you'd just let it fall apart?"
Of course it had crossed her mind, but that was a lifetime ago.
When she didn't answer, he continued. "It's why you left after Gitano, isn't it?"
"I guess, partly. I don't know. It was…" she paused.
"Complicated," he finished the thought for her. "You told me."
"You weren't in a good place then, El. It wouldn't have been right."
"Like I said, you were always the saint."
She rolled her eyes. They both knew she'd had her fair share of un-saintly moments.
"I mean it. You were always trying to save me." He scrubbed his hand down his face again. "You kept my family together so many times; you helped me and my kids over and over. Even now, after I was a monumental ass, you still helped me and my family."
She shrugged at him. She didn't know what compelled her. Back then, she thought it was because he was her friend, and she needed to know that one family could make it work. She also knew that a part of her loved him. After he went back to Kathy and they had Eli, she buried all of those feelings in a corner of her mind not to be visited. Then he left.
"It wasn't right for me to do anything else. Partners was all we ever were. All we ever could be."
"I guess it wasn't meant to be."
She didn't have an answer to that. Her life had taken a path that wasn't always rosy, but she wouldn't give up Ed and the kids for anything. Or anyone.
"Another time and place, maybe things would have been different." He said quietly.
"Maybe. Or maybe things were exactly as they should have been."
Now he was the one at a loss for words.
"Elliot, I wouldn't trade my family for anything."
He nodded. He understood that. He wouldn't either.
"I also wouldn't trade the 12 years we had." She added softly. "It wasn't always perfect, but we made a good team, and we made a difference for a lot of vics. You made a difference to me. You mattered to me, Elliot."
Sometimes he hated her ability to find perspective in everything. "You mattered to me, too, more than I probably ever let you know."
"Go get your keys" she said quietly. "I'll drive you to the impound yard to get your car."
He'd expected her to just drop him off at this point. He knew he'd crossed a line, but he'd meant it when he said he wasn't sorry. In a way he thought this might give them the closure he'd denied them 12 years ago.
SVUSVUSVU
During the seventh inning stretch, a man in a blue polo shirt approached Ed and the two boys. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Yeah?" Ed answered.
"Are these your sons?"
"I'm sorry, who are you?" Ever the cop, Ed immediately questioned the stranger's motive.
"My name's Tim Brody, I work for the team." He pulled a Mets ID badge attached to a clip on his belt and showed it to Ed.
"Alright, this one here is my son, Noah." He said resting his hand on Noah's shoulder. "And that is Evan. Is there a problem?"
"No, nothing like that. One of our players saw your boy give his friend the fly ball he caught."
Noah and Evan were singing along to "Take me out to the ballgame" which was now blaring through the stadium speakers. They weren't even paying attention to the adults' conversation.
Brody continued. "He thought such an unselfish act deserved a reward. So if it's okay with you, we'd like to give you passes to a future batting practice, and I have a couple of autographed youth jerseys for the boys."
Ed nodded. "Hey guys," he called to get their attention as the song was ending. "This is Mr. Brody, he has something for you."
"Hi Noah and Evan." He shook the boys hands in turn. "First, we wanted to congratulate you on catching that foul ball."
Evan nudged Noah. Mr. Brody continued, "To acknowledge your generosity, we have a couple of presents for you."
The boys were completely floored when they saw the jerseys. Evan flipped. It was his favorite player, Mike Fasolli, the short stop. When Brody told them about the batting practice passes, Ed feared the kid would faint from excitement.
"Is this for real, Mr. Tucker? We can really go to batting practice?"
"Yeah, champ, it's for real."
"Just call the number on the pass to schedule a date." Brody told Ed.
He was about to prompt the boys to say thank you, when they beat him to it.
"Thank you so much." Evan gushed. "I can't believe this is happening. Noah, can you believe it?"
Noah looked at the jersey and passes, then at Evan. He thought it'd be fun, but he was more pleased with how happy it seemed to make his friend. "Thank you, sir. That's really cool."
The rest of the game went by in a blur. Evan couldn't quit raving about their luck and how awesome it would be to go to batting practice. Ed noticed that Noah seemed a little distracted by the gifts, but decided he'd ask him about it later.
After the game, Ed opted for a cab instead of the subway. He didn't feel like fighting the crowds. When they dropped Evan at his house, Ed explained to his mom about the batting practice passes and said that Liv would be in touch to figure out a time they could do it.
It was only about 10 blocks to their house, so Ed suggested to Noah that they walk. Noah just shrugged his acceptance and turned to start walking.
Ed had his hand on Noah's shoulder. "Hey Noah," he said as they were nearing their building.
"Yeah?"
"What made you think to give Evan the ball you caught?" Ed was genuinely surprised that he'd done it without any kind of prompting.
"Well, I don't know." He stopped walking and looked at his dad with a slight frown. "Did you want it?" Noah almost seemed upset.
"No, son." Ed laughed a little and put a hand on his shoulder. "I just wondered why you did it. All morning you talked about catching a foul ball, and then you so easily gave it away."
"I really just wanted to see if I could do it." He looked down at his hand and shook his wrist a bit. "It really stung my hand since I didn't have a mitt."
"I'll bet it did." Ed had been a little surprised Noah'd been able to hold onto the ball when he caught it with his bare hands.
"I guess I just thought that Evan's been so sad since his dad left, and he likes baseball more than me."
"That's very thoughtful, Noah. I'm proud of you." He rustled the boy's hair a little.
Noah ducked away from the praise and started them walking again. "Is that why you got us passes to batting practice?"
"I didn't get them for you. Fasolli saw what you did on the jumbo-tron, and he's the one who sent the stuff up."
"Really?" Noah couldn't seem to wrap his head around that.
"Yeah."
"But I didn't give the ball to Evan so I could get something. I just thought it would mean more to him than it did to me."
"It did. I don't think I've seen that kid smile so big in months." He watched Noah process their conversation for a minute. "Noah, you did the right thing giving him the ball and not expecting anything in return. Sometimes the good things we do don't get recognized, but we do them because we're good people."
"That's what mom always says we she wants me to do something I don't want to, like let Nik play with my stuff."
"And that's still true." He knocked Noah's shoulder with his arm.
"Does that mean I shouldn't have taken the jersey and passes?" Noah looked worried again.
"No, that's not what I meant at all." Ed smiled. Noah had been going through a phase of worrying about his own motives and doing the right thing. "Sometimes you will be recognized for the good you do, and it's okay to accept it. Just don't expect a reward every time."
"Okay." Noah gave him a thoughtful look before he ran up the stairs to their building. "Do you think Mom's home yet? I wanna show her my jersey."
"I think she's on her way, buddy." In the elevator on the way up, Ed texted Liv then Amanda to let her know she could bring Nicole home or to text Olivia if she wanted Liv stop to get her on her way back.
SVUSVUSVU
Olivia checked her watch, it was almost 2pm. They'd foregone lunch, so she'd have to stop for something before hitting the road. Right now, she was waiting for Elliot at the gate of the impound yard. He was signing some papers then he'd meet her to get his stuff from her car.
It was a beautiful afternoon, so while she was waiting, she decided to let the top down on the Mustang. Then she texted Ed to let him know she'd be home about the same time as he a Noah got back from the game. She was just finishing up when Elliot drove out of the gate.
He stopped his car next to hers and hopped out to get his bag from her backseat. "Decided to put the top down?"
"Yeah, it's such a nice day." There was a hint of awkwardness creeping in. They both knew this was goodbye, and neither knew how to do that.
He reached into her car to grab his bag and then tossed it through the still open door of his car into the passenger seat. Then he turned back to her.
They stood there staring at each other for what seemed like forever. "Liv, I'm sorry for the way I left you. I'm sorry for the way I came back. But I'm not sorry we finally got a chance to…" What? What was this? He didn't know. He looked at her, hoping she still knew what he meant.
"Closure, Elliot, we finally have closure."
He smiled sadly. Then he took a step in her direction. She stiffened.
He laughed a little melancholy laugh. "I just wanna give you a hug."
She sighed and let him. They held each other tight. When he finally let go, they both had unshed tears in their eyes.
She reached for her car door. "Goodbye, Elliot."
"Bye, Liv."
He watched as she got in her car to leave. This time he let her go.