Chapter 10

At last, I woke up to the first day of the O.W.L.s week. Even though I had been studying well and I was pretty sure I could handle the exams successfully, I couldn't help but feel my stomach twisted in a knot. As we sat for the first test, which was potions, I glanced at my right to see if Lily was okay. She looked pale, and she had large bags under her eyes. I swept the classroom with my gaze, and realized that everyone actually looked like zombies.

"You'll start in thirty seconds, ladies and gentlemen." Professor Slughorn said cheerfully from the back of the class.

I closed my eyes, trying to focus. That was it. A couple of days, and I was free. But how was going to the summer? Did Lily still consider taking me to the country side with her? Does the Mudblood still appreciate you, though? My blood ran icy. I glanced over my shoulder at Laverne. He was frowning at me, as if to warn me from something I knew too well.

"Good luck, Severus." I soft whisper came from the left.

I turned to look at Lily. She had that kind, comprehensive spark in her eyes again, which warmed up my heart. But the knot in my stomach was still there, and I was aware of Laverne's glare on the back of my neck. My heartbeat had sped up. The corners of her lips stretched sideways ever-so-slightly, as if she was afraid to smile to me. It was like choosing to freeze over or to burn. I simply enjoyed in the depth of my soul the fact she was looking at me like this again, but I was unable to react.

"Start!" Slughorn sang.

Hasty noises filled the room as every students started filling their cauldrons. Lily looked away with a grave look on her face and started staring down at her recipe without really reading it. Her thin, porcelain-skinned hand was curled on her thigh. It looked so tiny. A tiny as it were on our first date at Madam Puddifoot's, so long ago. Everything was so different now, and the dream we had leaved in the summer of our fourth year already seemed like decades away from today. I lifted a shaky hand off my knee, reaching out for hers. Mudbloods don't belong to the same worlds as us, Severus. Before I could have realized it, my hand had changed its target and aimed for my quill. I glanced back at her curled hand, and vaguely wondered how we did get to this point.

The potion I had to make was the Living Death. When I thought I was done, I took the first thing I had in sight –a raven's heart- and dropped it in the transparent liquid in my cauldron. It floated at the surface and consumed itself like a mere piece of paper. After a short while, it disappeared, leaving the potion as clear as if it had never been used. I smiled to myself, when a faded, but delicious scent invaded my senses. My eyes fell shut, and again, I saw the childhood tree by the lake. When I opened my eyes, Lily was watching me. He cheeks were flushed and her lips parted. Her eyes drifted to her cauldron for a split second before meeting mines again, and I guessed what potion she had to make.

The rest of the test I had that day went as successfully as the first one, despite the fact that I could feel a very familiar anxiousness rising. Despite the fact that everything seemed fine, since I wasn't failing and Lily was still smiling to me, I couldn't help but think negative. My future was blurry, I couldn't consider anything; not even the rest of the tests I had to pass. I had no idea of what was going to happen, and it terrified me. As I sat in the Great Hall dining with the rest of the Slytherins, I couldn't swallow as single bite. I kept on watching Lily across the Hall, where she sat surrounded by her friends over at the Gryffindor table. Despite the fact that she was surrounded, indeed, she looked isolated. She was the only one who wasn't animatedly speaking about the last tests. Our gazes had locked, and again, it seemed like the things we couldn't say were finally expressed.

Later that evening, when I made my way down the dungeons, I heard some laughter coming from somewhere near the potion class. Laughter that muffled whimpers. I hurried towards the familiar noises, and at the end of the empty corridor that led to Slughorn's classroom, I found Laverne and Rolf snickering, their wands pointed at a curled figure on the ground. My heart skipped a beat when I realized that it was a female, wearing the Gryffindor colors.

"Hey!" I called, rushing over to them.

The two boys turned around to face me, still aiming at their prey.

"Ah, Severus! Come to play with us?" Laverne smirked.

I eyed the silhouette clutching her stomach on the ground, and let out a relieved sigh when I realized that the girl had auburn hair, not as red as Lily's.

"Who's that?" I asked.

Rolf grabbed a fistful of her hair and pulled on it to make her look up at me. She was crying.

"I'm sorry, lovely creature, what's the name again?" He whispered into her ear. She mumbled something inaudible. "Louder!" He shouted this time.

"Mary Macdonald!" She cried.

"Isn't she adorable, Severus? And a strong one, she is. We've been practicing for an hour already and she still haven't fainted." Rolf continued, stroking her cheek with the back of his hand.

"What have you done?" I asked, glaring at them.

He snickered and looked up at Laverne, before nodding at the girl. Laverne mirrored the look on his face and raised his wand.

"Crucio!"

MacDonald stiffened as if she had been shot with lightening, a cry escaping her lips. She fell back down on the ground, convulsing.

"That's all we've been able to do for now, but you should have seen my dad; he can last for a minute straight." Laverne said proudly.

"Are you mental!" I hissed. "In the middle of the corridor? Past curfew ? What on Merlin's name were you thinking?"

"I was right about you, Snape." The girl croaked, out of breath. She looked like she had no strenght left in her body, but her glare was intense. "Lily's just making up excuses for you. But you really are evil."

Rolf raised his hand and slapped her, making her head slam against the cold ground.

"Shut it." I said through gritted teeth. "You know nothing about Lily and I."

The girl was unconscious. But Lavern and Rolf turned to look at me.

"Don't tell me you still have feeling for the Mudblood, Severus."

"Of course he does," Rolf scoffed, giving me a look of disgust. "Look at him. Coward. He doesn't have the guts to tell her she's a Mudblood, and that Mudbloods don't belong here."

"I know what I have to do, Mulciber." I spat. "And I'm not a coward."

"Then prove it." Laverne said cockily, before bumping into my shoulder to walk past me.

Mulciber bumped into my other shoulder, and they both left me staring at the unconscious girl. So now, I had to clean up the mess to prove them I was not what they thought I were. Well, if that was all I could to to gain their confidence, then I would so it. I lifted the lady up in my arms, and brought her to Mrs. Pomfrey. The nurse gave me that suspicious look of hers, and I explained her how Mary MacDonald went a tiny bit too close to the Whomping Willow. I doubt she had believed me, but Mrs. Pomfrey was known to be the castle's secret keeper.

The next morning, I had the Defense Again the Dark Arts test. I walked out of the classroom rather confidently. I had already forgotten about the event of the evening before, and actually didn't think for a second that it would be brought up; until Lily stormed towards me like the flames of a dragon as I was crossing the courtyard.

"How dare you!" She shoved her hand on my chest to push me backwards, a look of fury in her eyes.

"What- how-…" I stuttered, alarmed.

"Mary hasn't been able to pass her test this morning because of you and your little Death Eater friends!"

"Hey, I wasn't part of this!" I said defensively. "I'm the one who took her to the Hospital Wing!"

"Oh really? Is it an excuse for Avery and Mulciber?" She said, folding her arms.

"Lily, it was nothing… I know they can be unconscious sometimes, but it was just a laugh…"

"A laugh?" My response had been like firewhiskey spilled on fire. "Do you consider Dark Magic as a laugh, Severus?"

"What about Potter, huh? Do you think he's an innocent little angel? Looks like he's having a laugh covering up a werewolf in the castle!"

"We've talked about this already, Sev', and it's not a good argument. Whatever Potter does, whether it's him or his group of friends, they wouldn't use Dark Magic at any price."

"The fact he doesn't use Dark Magic doesn't make him a good person, Lily." I said coldly. "But you keep on defending him and accusing me. I thought we were friends. Best friends."

"We are." She said more calmly. "But I still don't like to see you around them, Sev'. It'll only bring you trouble."

"I'm glad nothing's changed." I grinned, barely remembering the end of her sentence.

She looked away from me and resumed walking back into the castle.

"They better not hurt any of my friends anymore." She said over her shoulder.

It was only then that I was able to admit that something had broken between us for real; but I couldn't tell which one of my mistakes made her so cold towards me.

The Charms O.W.L. took place later that afternoon. I hadn't looked up from my parchment until Professor Flitwick announced the end of the exam, and I had the feeling that the O.W.L.s, in the end, were nothing more than a joke. The tests were over for that day, and since the sun had disappeared, I felt like going outside. On my way to the Black Lake, Avery and Mulciber caught up with me.

"I heard little Mary has been complaining about our little date last night," Rolf said cockily.

"Really? How surprising." I retorted without making any effort to sound honest.

"It's your chance, Severus. The Mudblood will probably come to blame you for hurting her little girlfriend, and-"

"She already has." I didn't give Laverne the time to finish.

"So?" He said excitedly. Probably after seeing the look of defeat on my face, his excitement turned into despise. "I knew it. You're a coward."

"I'm not!" I snapped.

"Then why don't you just be honest with yourself? She is a Mudblood, Severus, and there's nothing you can do about it."

"She's not just that…" I said, furiously shaking my head.

"Of course not. You're right, she's a cunt on top of that. I bet she enjoys driving all the boys crazy at the same time. Just look at her," He smirked, nodding somewhere behind my shoulder. It took me a lot of courage to turn around and see her laugh in the distance with the Gryffindor keeper. "She never loved you, Severus… She's just a player."

"No…" I slowly shook my head, as if to convince myself. My voice was quivering with anger. I spun around to face them, "I know what you're trying to do." I pointed my finger at each one of them, stepping back like someone who belonged at St. Mungo. "It's all your fault! It's because of you that I pushed you away from me!"

"That was the best you could do, mate." Laverne assured me.

"That was the most foolish thing I have ever done in my whole life!" I shouted.

"Oh come on, all these tears for a filthy Mudblood?" Rolf threw his hands in the air.

"STOP CALLING HER THAT!"

Everyone turned to look at me, and a crashing silence muted the agitation that had been covering our conversation up in the courtyard. I was out of breath, and my throat was sore. Rolf and Avery were looking at me as if I had just gone mad, and so were the rest of the witnesses.

"Now, now, Severus…" Laverne raised both of his hands, and carefully took a step towards me. I stepped back, immediately, giving him a defiant look. People had continued their way and the noise slowly recovered, as if nothing had happened. But I was still shaking with rage. "I understand you have feelings for the Mud… the girl," He quickly corrected himself after a threatening, almost animal-like noise escaped my lips. "But why won't you let go since she doesn't seem to care about you anymore?"

I threw back a glance where she had been laughing with the Keeper, but they had disappeared. She had most likely not seen me.

"Come on, mate, she's not worth it."

My fists curled, and my jaw clenched as the anger rushed through my veins like a poison. I stormed away from them, ignoring their callings. I headed outside the castle, and didn't stop or looked at anyone until I had reached our Blossom tree by the Black Lake. I sat there, still out of breath, as if I had been fighting.

And I had, really. I had been fighting against myself. I still was. I had to use all the strength of my body not to hex all those who were too close to Lily. I had to control my rage, and not forget who made me angry. Laverne and Mulciber had been playing with my mind all along, and I was halfway through the path of becoming like them.

I raised my head from where it had been resting on my knees, and my gaze fell upon Lily, who was still with that stupid git. They were both sitting on the other side of the lake, innocently talking to each other. My nails dug through my robes in the skin of my forearms. She never loved you, Severus. I hated her. I hated her, and I hated myself a thousand times more for loving her so much. I thought our love was pure, I thought she was the one, and because of that I had carved her name on my heart, and inked her on my flesh. I had her in my veins, under the spotlights of my mind and on the corner of each pieces of parchment I carried with me. She had become my everything, and I was nothing to her. Nothing more than a stupid friend, if only she still considered me as such.

My head was buzzing with fury, and I had to get away from there. I jumped on my feet and rushed back towards the castle.

"All right, Snivellus?"

That was all I needed to explode. In a split second, my bag was down on the grass and I had my wand aimed at Potter, who was walking towards me with the rest of his pack. But he was prepared, and my wand escaped my fingers. Black laughed.

"Impedimenta!"

With a lazy flick of his wand, Black stopped me from fetching my wand. I landed on the grass the same way my bag did; with violence. Potter glanced towards where Lily sat; clearly he had noticed she was with another guy, and he wanted to get her attention. It didn't seem to work.

"How did the exam go, Snivelly?" He said out loud, looking back at me.

"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment," Black sneered. "There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word."

All the witnesses around us, who had stopped to watch the show, exploded in laughter. The gathering made Lily look up. Everyone watched me struggling furiously on the grass, as if I was fighting with the thin air.

"Wait!" I panted. Wait until I reach for my wand and do what I should have done each time you crossed my path in the dark cold corridors of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

"Wait for what? What are you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?" Black continued, and a second wave of laughter rose.

Then, it was a total blur. Everything turned red, and all I could hear was my own voice, yelling a mix of curses and jinxes, as if the simple fury that pounded in my chest was enough to make the magic work. My throat was so sore that I started to feel some kind of metallic aftertaste in my mouth.

"Wash out your mouth. Scourgify!"

Pink soap bubbles filled my mouth, and I choked until my eyes became watery. I rolled over on my stomach, ready to throw up at any moment.

"Leave him ALONE!"

Lily arrived at last. It hadn't been the first time she had seen me in such a position because of Potter, but somehow this particular day, it only made me twice more furious.

"All right, Evans?" Potter said in the usual seductive tone.

"Leave him alone," Lily repeated. I looked up at her, panting. She almost looked as furious as me. "What had he done to you?"

"Well, it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean ..."

Everyone laughed except Lily, whose glare darkened.

"You think you're funny. But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone."

"I will if you go out with me, Evans. Go on ... go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

I wanted to hear her answer. I knew it would reveal whether she really cared about me or not. But in the meantime, the spell Potter had cast on me started wearing off, and I was able to slowly reach for my wand as I carefully listened.

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid."

"Bad luck, Prongs," Black laughs, and his gaze lands on me. "Oi!"

This time, I was the fastest. Before Potter could even react, and invisible razor carved a thin line across his cheek, and blood spilled on his robes. I glanced at Lily: she gasped, and gave me a confused look. I was distracted for too long, and found myself handing upside-down in the air. There was a total black out. Of course; my robes had fallen over my head. All I could hear was the laughter and cheering of what seemed like the whole world.

"Let him down!" Lily said without too much conviction.

"Certainly." Potter responded politely.

On the next second, I hit the grass, and a whimper escaped my lips. I raised a shaky hand towards my wand, but once more, Black was too fast. Invisible chains tightened my whole body, making me unable to make a single move.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily had her wand out.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you." Potter warned without even bothering to aim back at her.

"Take the curse off him, then."

Potter sighed heavily, and lazily raised his wand to free me from the Body-Binding curse.

"You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus."

In this ultimate moment of overwhelming rage and humiliation, all the things that had haunted me for years echoed in my head.

Kneeling before my mother. Her face was swollen with wounds. Don't you dare become like your father, Severus Snape.

Shantae's terrifying smile as I pressed her against the wall with my whole body. You're not better than Voldemort himself.

The thirst in Mr. Mulciber's tone at the Death Eater reunion. We'll eat the exterminated, then.

Malfoy, before he had left Hogwarts... She'll get enough of you by the end of this year.

Avery, earlier that morning… She never loved you… She's just a player, she's not worth it.

I could hear the eager growls of the wolves and Richard Parkinson's wife screaming in pain; I could smell the fresh scent of butchery. Suddenly it was nighttime, and I was back in the Mulcibers' backyard, feeling like a great weight was crashing upon my shoulders. I know you'll make the right choice, Severus.

Lily's cold gaze… They changed you. They've even succeeded in changing your values.

The day I fell off my broomstick at the Quidditch match, when I woke up and found that swine of Potter watching me in that moment of absolute vulnerability. You have no idea how much you're hurting her just by touching her skin. You've been torturing her mind for months now. I bet it's so hard to endure she can't help but break down in front of you sometimes. But I'm pretty sure that's what turns you on. Right Snape? You love playing with her.

She's just a player.

I saw Lily's first kiss stolen by Potter drift before my eyes, as if I had been back in fourth year for half a second.

And you know what, Snape? No matter how many mistakes I've made, no matter how far I pushed her away from me, I bet if I had met her first, I wouldn't have messed up the way you did. If Lily Evans had given me the smallest opportunity to make her mine, I would have taken it. I would have rather died than hurt her the way you do.

The scene was quite different from the time I saw it happen before my eyes: Lily didn't push him away. Her hands tangled in his hair, and the kiss was wild; just like it had been between Shantae and I.

Please, Lily… Don't do this to us…

You've already done it all.

I was on the verge of peeling my own skin off with pain. My blood was boiling and I was convulsing with rage. I looked up into Lily's eyes. They were soft with pity. She never loved you, Snape.

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

I only realized what I had said when I heard it come out with my own voice. There was a sharp silence, and even Potter was shocked. My anger dropped instantly, and despite the sun that shone brightly upon us, I was freezing. My stomach started twisting with fear. But what terrified me the most was not the way everyone was looking at me; it was how Lily was completely numb. There was no surprise in her eyes, no tears, not even anger. Her face was just neutral, as neutral as the sharp silence. She blinked.

"Fine." She said at last. "I won't bother in the future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus."

It seemed like the whole universe had just collapsed. My heart and all my dreams sank in unison. What I felt wasn't even close to what I had felt when Dumbledore had told me about my parent's death. It had been the very last chance wasted with what everyone had expected from the beginning: we were split apart by our blood. And I had seen the end countless times; only I was helplessly hoping it wouldn't come so soon. But that was it. I had just crossed a line between Lily and I, and the game was over. I had won, and yet I felt defeated.

The world turned upside down in a second, and the roles changed: Potter looked like he was the one I had just so violently insulted, whilst Lily looked down at me with a stinging look of disdain.

"Apologize!" Potter ordered angrily. "Apologize at once, you little-"

"I don't want you to make him apologize!" Lily shouted fiercely. "You're as bad as he is!"

Her words stabbed me straight into my left rib. I stared at her, unable to speak a word.

"What? I'd never call you a… a you-know-what!" Potter retorted, outraged.

"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can…" She didn't stop to breathe once before she had finished her list, as if she had been preparing it for ages and learnt it by heart. "I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me sick." She finally achieved, almost panting.

She left without a single glance towards me. Potter called after her, but it was a vain attempt. He glanced at Black, looking startled.

"What is it with her?"

"Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate." Black answers, rubbing his chin.

"Right. Right." He said furiously.

I could barely process what they were saying. I felt small, insignificant. I hadn't even noticed that Potter had aimed his wand at me. There was a dazzling flash of light, and once more, I was in a complete black-out, hanging upside-down.

"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?" Potter said, sounding more annoyed than amused.

The crowd cheered again, and I didn't really pay attention to whatever was happening. It didn't last long, for Professor McGonagall came rushing to us, and Potter had to let me down on the earth. She gave him and Black a detention, and helped me up on my feet. I could feel the pity in her gaze without even looking up at her. The crowd quickly cleared off. I was left alone with Potter, Black and the two other boys.

"Come on, Prongs, let's not linger on him." Black said disdainfully.

"I'll meet you in the common room." He said.

"A-are you sure?" Pettigrew asked hesitantly.

Potter didn't answer; he was too busy looking down at me. Black nodded at Lupin and Pettigrew, and they followed him down to the castle. Potter stood before me, his face as neutral as Lily's had been.

"I swear to Merlin, if you tell me that you were right, I'll make sure that won't be the only souvenir you'll keep from me." I snapped, nodding at the deep cut on his cheek.

"But you already know that, don't you? Why should I waste my time on saying it?"

"I guess you're waiting for me to congratulate you, then?" I laughed madly. "Are you proud of yourself, Potter? Got what you wanted, aye? What now?"

"She probably hates me twice more than before. I don't think I've won anything, really. At least nothing worthy."

"What do you want?" I yelled.

He looked down at me, and a smirk stretched across her face.

"I'm just trying to figure out whether I should kill you now or wait for the best opportunity."

I laughed bitterly, and dropped my wand.

"Go on."

"Too easy." He said seriously. "I'll let you think about what you just did for a while, then I'll kill you."

"Such cruelty, Potter…" I said, my voice quivering with anger. I didn't think I had ever loathed him as much as that moment.

"Ah, but I'm just following your rules, Snape."

He turned around and left. I stood all by myself, and it seemed like even the sunshine and the singing birds were making fun of me. The only rule that Potter ever followed was the one that tortured me the most.

It was nighttime what I had finally decided to go back to the castle. The Great Hall was already empty, and it was almost past curfew. I went straight up to the Gryffindor Tower, and firmly stood before the Fat Lady.

"Password!"

"I would like to speak to Lily Evans."

"Password!"

"I don't want to get in, I just want to speak to Lily!"

"And I would like to be an Opera singer. Password!"

I let out a groan in frustration, when suddenly the Portrait swung open. I looked up hopefully, but was quickly deceived: a familiar figure stood before me, but it wasn't the one I expected.

"What do you want, Snape?"

"I would like to see Lily." I said bitterly.

"Well, she doesn't want to see you." She snapped. "I always knew you were going to hurt her. I should have kept her away from you from the beginning."

"You know nothing about me." I said through gritted teeth.

"I know you didn't raise a single finger to stop your Death Eater buddies from torturing me."

"Oh cut the drama, MacDonald, they barely know how to use that curse…"

"They used a Forgiven Curse, for Merlin's sake! When are you going to admit what kind of people they are?"

"Today I had the proof that they're certainly better than precious Potter."

"Whatever, Snape." She spat. "It won't change the fact that Lily doesn't want to know you exist anymore; so you better take a bow before I jinx you."

She turned around to leave, and I caught her arm.

"Let go!" She shouted.

"No, Please! Call her, tell her I need to explain!"

"How can you explain the fact that you're behaving like a bloody Death Eater?" She said, tearing her arm off my grip.

"Please…" I begged desperately. "I'll do anything, I'll… I'll sleep right here on the ground if that's what I have to do to see her!"

She stared down at me with a disdainful look for a moment before finally making up her mind.

"Fine. But I don't guarantee you anything."

She walked back into the common room, and a deep relieved sigh came all the way out from my lungs. And ran both of my hands in my hair, trying to think of something to say. It couldn't be over. In my heart, I still felt like this wasn't the end. We were bound together, Lily and I, always.

It's not over.

When I looked up, my heart jumped in my chest. Lily was leaning against the Portrait, her arms folded. She looked sick, and her eyes were puffed red. She was so still and her eyes were so cold, I almost thought she was a ghost.

It's not over.

"I'm sorry." Was all that came out of my mouth.

"I'm not interrested."

"I'm sorry!"

"Save your breath."

Each one of her responses were like ice through my chest. There was no compassion in her eyes, no pity… nothing but coolness.

"I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here."

"I was." I answered at once. "I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just…"

"Slipped out?" I opened my mouth without really knowing what to say, but she spoke again before I could have even improvised anything. "It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends… You see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?"

Drums were pounding in my chest. I started panicking. I wanted to defend myself, but my brain was frozen. It's not over.

"I can't pretend anymore." She finally declared, seeing that I had nothing to say. "You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."

"No! Listen, I didn't mean…"

"-To call me Mudblood? But you call every one of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"

My brain was no longer frozen: it was burning with processing thoughts. Remember that time in your backyard, Lily? Remember when we said 'Always'? And last summer, when we watched that sunrise and I felt complete for the first time of my life? What about all the things we've planned, Lily? What about our dreams? I never told you how much I loved you. But I you know I do, right? You know my soul is completely devoted to yours, and has always been. You know I was born without love, and I don't really know how to deal with that overwhelming feeling when it comes to you. I know I messed up, but we all mess up sometimes, don't we Lily? It's alright, I'll cut it all. I'll changed my way for you, because I love you so much, and nothing's ever going to change that. It's not over.

I was speechless. Lily stood there watching me, or perhaps waiting. But despite how much I wanted to deny it, she had been right all along. She shook her head and turned her back to me, before disappearing through the Portrait hole.

It's over.

I miserably walked away. The lights were out; only the ghosts turned around the corner every now and then, a silver veil floating behind them. I was drowning into the shadows, not knowing where to go, or what to do. I wandered as if I were one of these lost souls, cold and empty. Lily. Lily. Mudblood. It rang in my head like a song. I knew that time, something really had broken between us. Something I would never be able to fix. It's over, Snape.

Adrenaline shot through me as if I had just been whipped, and I started running. It had been almost as if I was flying: I felt the warm summer air brush against my cheeks, and my robes floating behind me as I headed wherever my legs led me. I even heard Mrs. Norris meow, but didn't even stop to check if Filch was there. I took the shortest way to the Great Door. It was open, because sometimes that big fat gamekeeper forgot to close it at night; no wonder some werewolves could come in and out as they wished.

I didn't stop running until I had reached the Forbidden Forest. It was dark, and the air was humid. The tree's shadows looked like actual monsters; but I was most certainly the most repulsive monster of all. I raised my chin to look up at the sky: it was grey with clouds. The adrenaline dropped, and I felt weak. It was quiet.

I yelled. Ravens flew in the air and croaked, but I was the loudest. I only stopped to take a deep breath, and yelled a second time. It came straight from my stomach, as if the anxious knot had just been released. My knees knocked on the mud. I sobbed. My throat was sore again. I choked on my own blood. I prayed Merlin to send me Voldemort himself to kill me. I wanted to die. I fell backwards on my back, and scratched my own chest. I wanted to rip it open. I wanted to mute the pain that consumed my heart. It was unbearable.

I couldn't tell how much time had passed before I had finally stopped crying. I simply stared up at the sky, lying down on the mud. I felt dead. Hopefully the raven would come down and eat me. We'll eat the exterminated. My stomach revolted itself, and I had to close my eyes tight shut not to throw up. A light clicked above me, just like Lily's muggle camera did the first time she took a picture of me in second year. I opened my eyes, just in time to see a second flash of light. A loud crack echoed in the night, and the first raindrop dotted my forehead. I didn't move. It slowly started raining, and soon it was pouring. I watched the clouds pass by, waiting to meet Death.

"How dramatic." Someone sneered.

I could have recognized the voice anywhere, having heard it earlier that afternoon.

"Go to hell, Black." I croaked.

"Oh don't worry, we'll go together." I could hear that he was smiling. "Let's have some fun first, shall we?"

"Clearly I'm in the perfect position to have fun."

"Oh come on, Sninelly, you'll find yourself another red-head!" He said, standing before me and holding out a hand to me. "Come on, mate, get up."

I shove his arm and stood all by myself.

"What are you little dogs preparing this time?" I hissed, eyeing him suspiciously. "Wasn't the show enough today?"

"I don't know, what d'you think, Prongs? Moony?" He said, turning around to face the thin air. He dumbly face palmed and scoffed. "Oh, right, I'm alone."

"Who says the rest of your gang isn't hiding somewhere, preparing another goddamn prank?" I laughed bitterly. "Not that I would care." I took my wand out and threw it a few feet away from us. "Go on, Potter, I'm ready!"

"I'm alone, you git." Black rolled his eyes.

'Then how did you know I was here?" I snapped.

"I didn't." He shrugged. "I just came back from the Shrieking Shack."

"What on Earth were you doing there? I mean, how did you get there anyway?" I asked, suddenly curious.

"You don't expect me to tell you, do you?" He snickered.

"You know what, Black? You're a bluffer." I said, turning around to pick my wand up from the ground and leave.

"Oh really? Have you ever wondered what's under the Whomping Willow?"

I stopped.

"Roots?"

"Nevermind," He laughed. "It's not like you're going to check anyway. See ya, Greasy-head!"

I waited a short moment before following him. I stopped at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, and watched him head back to the castle. When he was finally out of sight, I walked out from the shadows into the moonlight.

"Not like I'm going to check anyway… I'll show you, bastard."

I stood before the Whomping Willow, and cast the easiest spell to petrify the tree. Once it was completely still, I approached it. There was a hole between the knots of his roots, but I couldn't see how deep it was. I knelt down and bent over it a little.

Suddenly, a loud howl echoed in the still of the night. I started, and my hand slipped from the edge of the hole: I fell head first into it.

"SNAPE!" was all I heard before I sank in the depth of the earth.

I rolled and rolled, occasionally hitting a rock or a sharp root. It seemed like forever before I had finally reached the end of the tunnel. I whimpered at the shock: my whole body was wounded. I tried to heave myself on my hands, and then up on my feet.

"Well, if that wasn't fun…" I laughed bitterly as I wiped my robes.

A quiet growl came from what sounded like a feet away from me, and with it the smell of a sickening breath. I froze, and slowly looked up, only to meet a pair of yellow, almond-shaped eyes right in front of me. I swallowed hard and took out my wand, whispering a quiet Lumos. Before me stood the tallest wolf I had ever seen, standing on his back legs like an actual human.

"Oh." Was all I was able to say.

"RUN!" The same voice I had heard before falling into the hole echoed again from up the tunnel. I knew exactly who it was, and just because of that, I couldn't obey. "FOR MERLIN'S SAKE, SNAPE, RUN!" It echoed a bit louder.

"Bastard…" I hissed.

Behind me, the wolf howled again, piercing my ear-drums. Potter arrived sliding down the tunnel and jumped on his feet, looking very alarmed.

"Are you fucking deaf?" He shouted, bewildered.

"Now I am," I shouted back, both of my hands pressed against my pounding ears.

The wolf growled loudly, and we both spun around to face it, petrified with fear. It was back down on its front legs, and its fangs were shining in the dark.

"Okay," Potter said, holding his breath. "Now you're going to step back nicely, and go back up the tunnel."

"Right, so that everyone accuse me of leaving you behind to die?"

"I got this."

"Oh, watch out, big-headed Potter is going to fight the werewolf with his bare hands!" I scoffed. The werewolf growled again, even louder than before, as if it were getting angry. "Uh oh." I gulped.

"GO!" Potter ordered.

I didn't protest this time and started running on the opposite way, just before the werewolf started attacking him. I knew he was going to die, and yet I couldn't help but feel some kind of joy; because if even though I had just lost Lily, he would never be able to try and steal her.

I climbed in the dark and finally managed to get out of the hole, exhausted. I crawled on the grass and fell flat on my stomach, catching up my breath. Fear melted away and regret took its place. I should have died down there. Less than ten minutes after I had been able to see the night sky, I heard Potter climb out of the whole, intact, but panting.

"Surprise," He said, snickering.

"I thought you were dead."

"You wish."

He sat on the edge of the hole, and huffed, looking relieved. His back was facing me. I battled hard not to say what I was supposed to say, especially because I knew he had good reasons to save me; reasons that had nothing to do with heroism.

"I do." I finally said bitterly. "All of this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been there."

Potter glanced at me over her shoulder, his lips crooked to the side.

"You never learn, do you, Snape?" He scoffed and shook his head, looking away from me. "It didn't stop you from hurting her. Neither did it when you were watching Mary MacDonald being tortured by your pals."

"I see the rumors travel fast," I spat.

"Thank Merlin they do. That way I was able to prevent you from doing the same with Lily."

"I would never allow…" I started, revolted.

"Right." He cut me off. He stood up and ruffled his hair from the dust. "If you keep quiet about this, I won't make sure you'll be sent to Azkaban with the rest of your Death Eaters family for being witness of a torture session in the corridors of Hogwarts and not stopping it." He held out a hand to me. "Deal?"

I didn't even look down at his hand, and merely raised my chin a little. He lowered his arm, but didn't break eye contact with me.

"Why didn't you let me die down there?" I asked, my tone expressing all the hatred I felt towards him. "You could have had Lily for yourself. You two would have lived happily ever after, without old Snivelly to bother you."

"It would be an absolute lack of honor to sacrifice you to have her. Besides, that would have been the occasion to ruin the tiniest chance I had with her. I doubt Evans would ever go out with a murderer."

"But I hurt her again today, didn't I?" I hissed. "I tested you. Why don't you kill me? Look! There's no one in sight. I'm all yours, Potter." I raised my hands like a mental again.

He shook his head, and the ghost of pity crossed his gaze.

"I'm not going to kill you, Snape." And just when I thought I couldn't hate him more than I already did, he continued speaking. "You deserve wake up with this on your conscience every single morning for a lifetime."

He watched me break slowly, before turning around and leaving.

"SWINE!" I shouted after him. He never turned around.

The week ended eventually, and with it the O.W.L.s. I did brilliantly, despite the fact that I was easily distracted by Lily during the tests. Every now and then I would look up from my parchment and watch her. She looked pale, and had dark circles under her eyes. And for the first time of my life, I realized that what was worse than to be hated was to be ignored. At least when she hated me, I existed to her.

Potter had stopped picking on me too, as well as the rest of his pals. It seemed to me that Black's little prank wasn't as funny as he thought it would be. Lupin was either with Lily, or alone, his eyes firmly stuck on a book he wasn't reading. Potter looked troubled and upset all the time, and even though Black was still following him around like a dog, he was laying low. Pettigrew looked nervous, but then again, he always did.

Avery, Mulciber and Shantae came to speak to me the day after the charms exam, once the whole school knew about what I had done to Lily Evans. I felt so grateful. At least I existed for them.

When the departure day came, I sat on my bed, watching my friends pack up.

"I'm sorry I can't take you with me, Severus. Things are a bit… tense, back home." Laverne explained.

"My father insisted on you to be there for dinner next month." Rolf said seriously, which was unusual. "I think he has something in mind."

I scoffed and shook my head.

"Where's Shantae?" I asked Laverne.

"She left last night."

"Why?"

He looked up at me, frowning.

"Don't you know?"

My heart sank.

"Speak."

Laverne and Rolf glanced at each other, startled. Rolf was the one to speak.

"My father wrote to us yesterday. Richard Parkinson is dead."