Yumichika had begun to talk then, not very much, but it was a start.
Madarame Ikkaku's hope was returning. For a while there he'd feared that Yumichika would never return to normal, and that his best friend was gone.
He had waited on Yumichika hand and foot, brought him anything and everything he requested, and helped him all day, from carrying him and supporting him in the bathroom, to spoon-feeding him small amounts of water.
He had done anything he could to help make Yumichika feel safe and comfortable. In fact, Ikkaku had calmed Yumichika down enough for him to sleep peacefully through the night.
To celebrate Yumichika's accomplishment of his first nightmare-free night, he had pulled out all the stops.
When Ayasegawa had woken up, groggily and with much eye-crust, he was layered with multi-colored blankets and with many of his favorite items from home, even some weeds from a ditch that Ikkaku had mistaken for flowers and put in a plastic cup.
Yumichika had sleepily said, "Ikkaku... So sweet... You're so sweet," before drifting back off peacefully. Ikkaku's heart swelled, and he quickly kissed the top of his head before he could chicken out and stop himself. Yumichika gave a sleepy moan, tilting his chin up, eyes flickering open for a moment.
Ikkaku recoiled, falling backwards in alarm. Yumichika wiggled in his sleep, and Ikkaku fled to the bathroom. He peered around the door, before giggling nervously. When Yumichika's breath evened out, he backed up into the bathroom, exhaling, jittering nervously. He shook himself roughly.
He then turned to the mirror, flexing his muscles just to reaffirm his masculinity, because he did not just giggle. Ikkaku Madarame was no pansy, and there was no way he had freaked out enough that had just hid like a coward.
He tightened his fists and pumped his arms, scowling harshly.
He ignored Hozukimaru who yelled blatantly in his ear, 'You're not fooling anyone, you're just doin' that cause' yer' hands are shakin'!'
Ikkaku gave a nasty glare, flexing his bicep, wondering how on earth he could be mushy on Yumichika and sound tough at the same time, because damnit, a big part of him wanted to be mushy all over Yumichika even after he was fixed up!
But how could he? His whole goal in life was to be tough, to be strong and fight, and on the way, hoping and hoping for Yumichika to notice what he was feeling without having to say it aloud. That was the squad Eleven way after all, to never speak the truth out loud if you can avoid it. Wouldn't it be counter-productive to showing Yumichika his strength if he went all soft on him? How could he do both?
He wanted to put flowers in Yumichika's hair and tell him how pretty he was. He wanted to feed him chocolates and kiss his cheeks in front of their friends and take care of him when he was sick. He wanted to be soft, and that was something he had never wanted before.
It finally clicked, that thing about Yumichika that kept Ikkaku there with him. There had been no one, nobody important to Ikkaku but Kenpachi. Why was Yumichika so crucial to his life? He was a given, as important as having food or air, but why?
'Because... Because I-'
He wanted Yumichika to need him and want him and go through life with him. He wanted to stay best friends forever, even if that was only something that little kids wanted. He didn't want to be the one always ahead, believing that Yumichika would follow him no matter what. Someday Yumichika would tire, and then Ikkaku would look back and find him gone. He cared.
It did seem to fit.
That burning rage that he had never before questioned. That blind fury he felt every time he saw Yumichika eyeing Hisagi, who would look away nervously. What was that feeling? Jealousy.
That need to protect his friend that he couldn't explain. Whenever Yumichika got catcalled, or flirted with, or felt up, he just exploded and started all sorts of shit. Bar-fights. Gambling-fights. To-the-death-fights. Why did he feel the need to do that? Jealousy.
Why he couldn't control himself when he had heard that their seventh-seat had supposedly bed Yumichika. He hung the dumb-bragging-shit from the parapet of the Eleventh Division barracks by his crotch. Why had he done it? Because he was jealous.
It all made such horrible sense, and he couldn't deny it any longer.
'Like I knew all along but was just ignorin' it or somethin'. Damnit... I'm... This feeling... is...'
He couldn't even describe it to himself. 'Heh... I never got why people would kill for love... Stupid shit... but I get it now...' He had done it himself with that Arrancar; even if he hadn't actually killed it, that had been his intent.
He peered around the doorway at the prone figure of the sleeping Yumichika. When he looked back at the mirror he slapped that stupid sappy grin right off his face.
'Teme, What's wrong with ya'! Ya' know that there's no way fer' ya' ta' get 'im, so back off!'
Damnit, now he was being a jealous overprotective asshole to even himself.
'Yer' so far gone, ya' poor sap. What're ya' gonna do? There's no way for you to get him... ever.'
How, how, how could he ever get someone so out of his reach? Sure, he could just be direct and ask, but would that work? No.
'Way too simple.' He growled.
They'd known each other for hundreds of years. Things couldn't change between them just like that! No way could that happen... Besides, if things went wrong, their friendship would be over.
He put his head in his hands.
He had always suspected that they had become friends because he had been the one person who hadn't tried to sleep with Yumichika, who hadn't become aroused by him, or constantly complimented him on his beauty. They'd met outside a brothel for God's sake, the brothel that Yumichika worked at.
Yumichika was used to people being seduced by his wiles, but Ikkaku had only been interested in beating the shit out of a group of men who had tried to skip out on paying up on a bet. How could he now tell Yumichika that it was all for naught, that he had wanted him all along? Yeah right, like he'd ever do that. Dumb idea, really.
'Heh, you're not brave enough, asshole.'
'Bout time you showed up, ya' lazy idiot.'
'You're ignorin' me. You're a coward, aren'tcha, ya' asshole.'
'Can you blame me... Why would he want me? He can have anyone he wants, he's not gonna pick Ikkaku fuckin' Madarame, ya' stupid asshole." He realized he had started speaking out loud, gripping the sink so hard that the porcelain had cracked.
"Damnit." His fingers were bleeding a little. He sighed and turned on the sink, washing his cuts before applying a bandage.
'Heh... Ya' know, I'm glad you broke through your denial and everything, that you secretly want 'im and stuff, but what the fuck, Madarame'?'
'What the fuck, yourself. I just love 'im, is that so wrong?'
'What's so wrong is that you're feelin' this way right now. This is so fucking screwed up, to have feelings for him when he needs security. He doesn't need anyone else preying on him after what just happened.'
Ikkaku scowled in guilt.
'I mean, I admit it, I think Fuji Kujaku is cute and everything, and I like him even though he's annoying as fuck and doesn't let me sleep. Hell, I even let out my bankai just to impress him. He makes me feel stupid and clumsy... cuz' I like 'im. I completely admit it... but why the fuck did you have to come out with this now?! Great timin', ya' shit-head!'
'What the fuck!? I don't wanna sleep with him. I'm not gonna hurt 'im... I wanna take care of him. You know that I'm not some pervert. I'm an asshole, sure, but I am no pervert. Shit-head yer'self!'
'Well yeah, but... I'm just sayin' is all. After this, how on earth do you expect this to work?... Yer' right. He's too pretty and too sweet for a big lug like you, just like Kujaku's too classy for me. Even if things were different, if this hadn't happened to 'im, how on earth do you expect this to work? We're just no good, and ya' know it. 'Specially not to a soul like that.'
"I know... I know."
'Madarame Ikkaku, you are one, sick, sick bastard.'
Ikkaku sat at Yumichika's bedside, head in his hands. 'Love sick, ya' dumb idiot,' he berated himself.
He pounded his fists into his forehead. 'Ya big dummy... What's wrong with ya', ya' sicko.'
He turned his face towards Yumichika, his beautiful, beautiful best friend. The friend he wanted to be his sweetheart. 'It's gonna end in tears... There's no way... He'd never... I mean... He'd never-'
He slipped his hand into Yumichika's limp hand, and his heart twisted, feeling completely bittersweet. 'Why am I doin' this to myself? I mean... I can't even try...'
He grimaced.
'Ahhh fuck... Fuck, fuck, fuck.' He turned his face away, closing his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. He had never felt this before; his heart was aching, a place that he hadn't even known was empty was opening wider and wider, making so much space that he thought he'd burst. There was just this boundless need.
Just like everyone else who possesses something precious, as soon as they obtain it, they begin to worry about what could take it away. He wondered how on earth he could go on living if Yumichika died, if he allowed him to die, if he failed to protect him. He couldn't go on living the same way.
For the first time, he wondered about how Yumichika would feel if they had changed places in the hospital bed. Losing someone important. Losing a friend even. He understood finally, the wretchedness of being helpless to stop death or worse.
'And he put up with me... For centuries... While I was followin' Kenpachi, seekin' death, he was followin' me... bein' supportive even though he didn't agree... Damnit, Madarame. You're a real jerk sometimes.'
He gripped Yumichika's hand, bringing it up against his bowed forehead. 'You're too good to me... I don't even deserve yer' company... Feh... I don't even deserve for your eyes to look upon me. What am I to you... Mud on white marble. I'm no good.'
He was ugly, he was insensitive, he was crass. Nothing that Yumichika deserved.
Selfish and jealous, that's what he was. He was selfish for being near Yumichika anyway, even though he abused him so. He would try, he would try very hard to change his attitude from this moment on, and make Yumichika feel important and cherished, even if it was just as his friend. He'd ask his opinion about little things, he'd call him beautiful everyday, he'd even pull back in fights he might not win.
Because Yumichika was the person he loved.
The person he loved, who he had sworn at, who he had dragged to bar after bar filled with nasty men who made passes at him, who he had force-fed shots to, who he had made cry, who he had put in dangerous situations countless times. The person he loved, who he had forced to watch him nearly die countless times.
Yumichika hadn't been joking about making funeral arrangements. How awful would that be... knowing that you could've done something.
'Heh, far too good. You're far too good.'
He was far too good for someone as selfish as Ikkaku, but Ikkaku was too jealous to allow Yumichika to be given to anyone else.
He growled deep in his throat, 'Fuck, fuck, fuck.'
What was he gonna do? What on earth was he gonna do? What could he do, when all he wanted to do was hold hands with him no matter how much he got teased, buy him everything he could possibly want, and spoil the ever-loving shit out of him?
What could he do when there was no way that that could ever possibly happen? He wasn't really very lucky at all, besides the fact of ever meeting Yumichika in the first place. There was no way... There was no way...
'Madarame Ikkaku, you sick bastard.'