Disclaimer: See Prologue

Dear Ted,

You may be wondering who I really am. Well, I'd like to think that I've given you something of an idea but I would also like you to think that I'm pretty cool so it's safe to say that if you think that, I've given you the wrong impression.

Obviously, as a teenage boy, being cool is a very serious aspect of your life. My mother never understood the need to wear black all the time and I do not doubt that your mum won't get it either. If she starts asking questions just show her this letter and tell her I said she had to buy you the plastic drainpipes.

That said, my friends didn't altogether understand the need to wear black all the time for the first few years either. This was because my friends weren't lanky and ginger. When you're lanky and ginger, black clothes are a must because orange, yellow, red, green, purple and pretty much anything other than black and turquoise (because it goes with anything) clashes ridiculously and makes you look like a right idiot. If you get it right with red and green, you can go to parties dressed as Traffic Lights. The gag never gets old.

James used to tell everyone that being a Marauder was blatantly exciting because (and I quote) "I mean, look at Remus. If it wasn't great, why would he dress like a ninja?" Good question. Maybe it's because I had curly ginger hair until I was fifteen after Peter was almost expelled for dying my hair blonde with his wand in the holidays (I must tell you about that. I have written myself a reminder and stuck it on the wall).

So anyway, I'm not saying that you can't be cool and ginger because ginger is the epitome of cool but only once you're in your late twenties. My friends called me Ginger Pubes and when I say 'my friends' I mean Sirius because James and Peter were never bothered by my hair colour. The crucial thing to do here is to only let your friends do it. Luckily, I was one of the tallest in the year and the scars on my cheek made me look hard as nails so no-one tried anything with me (which could also be attributed to the fact that I was best friends with the most aggressive Beater the school had seen in years) but if you're small, thin and ginger; life is hard.

I think you'll agree that what you need, kid, is the Remus Lupin guide to cool. Now, this will be different for you than it was for me. For one thing, you can change the way you look in seconds. For another, you won't have my judgement so I can't tell you what makes you look like an idiot. However, being a punk will never go out of fashion and if my only son is not a punk, I have done something very wrong.

Mad hair is crucial. I'm talking spiky and purple or bright (and I mean BRIGHT) blue hair, or neon pink or blood red or some other wacky and moderately offensive colour. I was never allowed to dye my hair so I dressed like a punk and grew hair like a Beatle.

I thought I was cool. I was the only one who did.

I can recommend black drainpipe trousers. Don't buy cheap ones. They're supposed to look cheap whilst costing a small fortune and that's a hard look to pull off. Trust me, Ted, black fishing trousers cannot be sewn up. People know that they're fishing trousers and they piss themselves laughing.

I don't think I was ever a real punk. I used to, and then I met your mum. She had piercings in places I had never even heard of! She wore enough eye makeup to keep the kohl industry booming for years. She once bought plastic dolls so she could cut their hair off to stick on the shoulders of her jacket. I was never like that. I was just a boy with stupid hair in skinny legged trousers who practically lived in his converse trainers.

I looked like an exhibit from a fashion museum. Of the good, the bad and the ugly, I knew which one I was. It was probably because I was part punk and part pensioner. I wore cardigans for crying out loud!

I still managed to have girlfriends though so don't write yourself off as completely sexless if you wear them too. I don't know what it is about cardigans that make girls think you're sensible, reliable and lots of other words ending in 'ible'. 'Ible' words make you unfathomably attractive.

To complete this look, scowl. I believe the main reason I could never be a real punk was that I was constantly smiling at strangers in the street or around the school. It didn't fit with all that plastic and leather.

You have to walk in a certain way too. Sirius nailed it. You have to walk as though you have just been appointed Lord and Master of the Universe. James got quite good at it too, but only after a particularly good night. You can shuffle along occasionally as long as you're scowling in a big way.

If you're just slightly in touch with your feminine side, you can't do it. I'm sorry but a camp punk is something of a contradiction in terms. I remember shuffling alongside James and Sirius (who actually strutted around school so shuffling and keeping up was a bit of a challenge) and Peter would sort of skip along in a manner that made me extremely nervous every time I dropped a pencil. In fact, it was Peter's slightly camp nature that enabled me to perfect the trick of picking things up with my toes.

Incidentally, I'm not homophobic. Peter had told me "[My] arse look[ed] a lot better in those trousers. In [my] pyjamas, it look[ed] awful". Wouldn't you be paranoid?

So anyway, you have to invest in a Muggle music player. I had a record player and my vinyl collection was better than most of Hope Cove's and now it's yours. You had better ask Harry or your mum or whoever has them what happened to them and wonder where the hell you're going to get a player for them.

Listen to everything by The Beatles first. My mum loved them and she'd always sing 'Penny Lane' around the house so listen to that one first. After you've learnt the basics, you can move on to something a little more complex. Try The Buzzcocks and listen to 'Ever Fallen In Love'. Once you've grasped that, it's onto Queen. Listen and listen well because almost every Muggle musician lists Queen among their influences. Work your way onto The Who and finally, The Sex Pistols.

That pretty much covers my important punk influences. You'll find a few bands I hope you'll be familiar with too; music by wizard artists who still can't quite grasp the guitar as well as Brain May (although maybe I'm a little biased). I took to jazz in a big way when I was older and I'd like you to listen to those albums too but if you don't like them, keep them and try again in ten years. Trust me on this one.

We'll probably come back to this lesson anyway so if you missed something, there'll be time to catch up. Apologies; I believe it's my inner teacher.

No matter how gay it sounds,

Much love,

Dad.