Disclaimer: I don't own Lost

Sayid found out about little Ben. Will this change anything, or will he be able to move past it?

Chapter 11

Sayid stared at the house in the distance with a blank expression. After three days, he had picked up on a routine with the people living there. Right on schedule before his eyes, Sawyer, or rather LaFleur, exited the house. Seeing him off at the door was Juliet. He had quickly surmised that they were a couple-a couple raising Benjamin Linus. At this moment, Juliet was holding him in her arms. Sawyer didn't appear interested to say his temporary good-byes to the boy. He was, however, interested in giving Juliet a passionate kiss before heading off to work.

"Hey! What are you doing?"

Sayid turned to face Phil, who was still making it his business to watch him as he picked up the compound's litter. He didn't answer. He simply reached down for a crushed soda can. When he was able to, he snuck another look at the house. A brown-haired woman was walking up, and Juliet greeted her with a smile. Sayid learned she was their babysitter. Juliet was already dressed in her work clothes, so she quickly said her good-byes to Ben before heading to her own job, in the motor pool. Sayid watched her leave, then his gaze traveled back to the house; to the boy who was waving after Juliet.

"I'm not going to tell you again! Get back to work, or it's the cell for you."

"My apologies," said Sayid in an even voice. He turned his full attention to tying the trash bag and shuffling the garbage to the bottom. The whole time he felt Phil's narrowed eyes upon him. After ten days, Phil had yet to warm up to him, and Sayid knew he never would.

"You know, you may have everyone else fooled, but you don't have me fooled."

Sayid looked up. He could hear the aggression in his voice.

"Excuse me?" he asked.

"LaFleur and the others trust you. They think you're one of us, just because you clean up around here. But I know what you really are."

"And what is that?" Sayid challenged.

"A traitor," Phil explained. "If you betrayed your own people, there's nothing stopping you from betraying us."

Sayid quietly processed his words before answering.

"With all due respect, I beg to differ," Sayid stated. "I have been willing to cooperate enough to share the secrets of my people, and to follow your orders no matter how demeaning they might appear. I will continue to do what you asks, so why is it you are still treating me like an enemy?"

Phil continued to glare at him, but after a moment, he presented a dark smirk.

"Because you are the enemy. And it's only a matter of time before you prove that."

Sayid did nothing but give him a light smile. There was no changing the man's mind. He understood such stubborn feelings. He himself possessed them when it came to certain people. Like himself, Phil knew there were people who just couldn't be trusted or changed no matter what. In that regard, Sayid didn't mind that Phil despised him. In a way he thought he might deserve it. So far, he didn't feel a strong connection to the Initiative, regardless of the fact that his friends were apart of it and that the Initiative was safer than living in the jungle alone. The only thing that he did mind was the fact that he was in the seventies.

Though he never showed it, he was alarmed that Sawyer had been able to live comfortably in the past, and that wasn't yet counting the fact that he was comfortably calling Ben his son. Sayid didn't see himself gaining a comfortable life here, regardless of the fact that he had finally recieved appropriate living quarters in a house of his own. He chanced another glance at the house. His job as janitor was meant to keep him safe, yet Sayid couldn't see how it could be true. He considered living out the rest of his life sweeping after the scientists, to be a waste.

Sayid continued to mull over his wandering thoughts as he sat alone at a table for his lunch break. He was currently scheduled to eat after most of the workers had their lunches, to prevent him interacting with them. It made Sayid wonder if eating in the cell wasn't better. Standing guard along the wall, keeping track of him were Phil and another man Sayid knew as Thomas. As trapped and miserable as the situation made him feel, he attempted to find peace during such breaks.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Miles speaking with Phil and Thomas. They were too far away for him to catch wind of the conversation. When Phil's eyes traveled over to him, Sayid quickly looked back down at his food. He didn't bother to take another bite as he heard footsteps coming his way.

"Hello Miles," he greeted without looking up.

"Don't suppose you got a minute?"

Sayid looked up and nodded. Miles took a seat before him.

"I suppose you've gained permission to sit here," Sayid assumed.

"Yeah. Told them LaFleur wanted me to talk to you."

"Talk to me about what?"

Miles looked like he didn't know where to begin.

"About how you were doing."

"I'm doing just fine Miles."

"Really?" he asked. "Cause if I had to clean up gum and puke off the floor, I'd loose it."

"I believe Jack is also serving janitorial duties, and he hasn't lost it," Sayid stated.

"Jack's not you man, and he's not guarded around the clock," Miles told him.

"Well, you can tell LaFleur not to worry about me. I'm sure I'll fulfill my purpose without a problem." Sayid went back to eating.

"Nice to hear," Miles said as he stood to leave.

"Miles," Sayid called before he could walk away. "I would like to know how you and the others are taking it."

"Taking what?"

"LaFleur raising Ben." He could tell Miles didn't exactly want to discuss the issue with him. He was studying him for a reason not to say anything.

"You know I don't think anyone cares, except Jack."

"Jack?" Sayid questioned for confirmation.

"Yeah. He's not with LaFleur on this one. I don't think he even talks to him, or Juliet."

Sayid processed the information before nodding.

"Thank you Miles."

"Yeah, sure," he said before walking off.

Sayid watched him go, before turning his eyes to Phil who continued to glare at him. After hearing how his friends reacted to Sawyer's little secret, Sayid felt a slight sense of betrayal. It wasn't a new feeling. The most recent time he felt betrayal, was at the hands of Benjamin Linus. After dedicating himself to killing off their enemies for the man, Ben had simply discarded him. He knew he should have been relieved, but too much of his life had already been ruined. He didn't believe it was possible to gain an acceptable life anymore; not one without murder. Considering his current situation, it wasn't getting any better. With that in mind, he had started wondering the reason behind it. The reason for his being a janitor in the Dharma Initiative.

He looked around at the few people who were having their lunches in the hall, and supposed this was a form of redemption.

James watched as two of his men attempted to fix the security cameras monitoring Dharma's compound. The new installations that were put in place before the festival were turning out to be uncooperative. James cursed under his breath at the trouble while Jin stood silently next to him.

"It can't be helped," said Jin.

"Easy for you to say. You're not head of security," said James. "Looks like we're gonna have to do it old school boys."

One of the men stopped his work and glanced down.

"I don't think it's just the upgrade boss. I think there's a faulty line."

"It could take a few days to straighten out," said the other man.

"Son of a bitch," James cursed.

"We still have the fence," Jin reminded him. "And we can get men on guard."

"Looks like that's our best bet. Can't take no chances can we," he decided, in a tone that told Jin he was being partially sarcastic about the matter. "At least that's our only issue."

When Sayid had finished his lunch, he was assigned to clear up the full garbage bags from the lunch hall. For once, Jack was working in the hall as well, cleaning up the lunch tables. There was plenty of space between them, which kept them from interacting. Sayid kept passing glances at him while he worked. He also tossed a look toward his guard, which was only Thomas. Phil had taken his break from him for the day.

Sayid was forced to hold back his frustration. He was used to practising patience, but he felt it was easy to lose considering the situation. But Thomas wasn't as strict as Phil. He had a tendency to let his eyes wander away from him. At this point, it didn't matter if Sayid spoke to other members of the janitorial staff, so long as they were the only people he spoke to. Either way, he still felt like he was walking on eggshells.

At one point, he noticed Thomas striking up a conversation with a lady he clearly had an interest in. Sayid used it as a chance to cross over to Jack, while appearing to work.

"Jack," he greeted calmly.

Jack glanced up, taken aback by his approach. Sayid hadn't managed a chance to talk with him or any of his friends since he'd returned to the island. Jack didn't blame him, due to unfortunate circumstances.

"Sayid," he greeted back.

"I'm sorry I haven't been able to-"

"Don't worry about it," said Jack as he glanced at Thomas. "Great assignments Sawyer gave us."

"I don't think 'great' is the word Jack," he stated seriously.

Jack stopped his cleaning to face him. There was true concern on his face.

"I'm sorry this happened Sayid. I'm sorry that James-"

"There's no need for you to be sorry Jack. The only thing responsible for our predicament, is fate."

"Fate?" Jack questioned. "I never figured you for a man of fate."

"I wasn't, until I ended up on this island for the second time, and in 1977." Sayid tried not to let him hear the bitterness in his voice. There was no hiding it. He knew it showed on his face.

"Are you sure it wasn't me?" Jack asked off-handedly as he moved to continue his clean-up. Sayid watched him silently for a moment.

"Why did you come back Jack?"

"I don't think I have time to explain."

"Make time," Sayid demanded.

Jack cast him a look, then turned away as if shamed.

"I came back, because I believed that I had to. John Locke told me I had to."

"That's your only reason?" Sayid pushed. He could tell Jack was quickly growing uncomfortable with the interrogation.

"I came back, for me."

"Why?"

"Because I needed to."

Something in the way Jack had said it, including the serious look in his eyes, told Sayid that Jack hadn't found satisfaction in their salvation. That he believed he needed the island over his real home. It sickened Sayid to hear that his friends were determined to tie themselves to some worthless piece of land. There was nothing on it, except painful memories. With that in mind, he brought up another concern.

"Miles mentioned your feelings on Sawyer raising that monster."

"I think it's wrong. I mean, after everything Ben did to us..." he paused and gathered himself. "Juliet thinks she can change him."

"There's only one way to change the past," Sayid answered slowly, "and that's by not participating in it."

Jack gave a nod. Out of the corner of his eye, Sayid noticed Thomas walking over to them.

"Hey! Am I going to have to get like Phil?"

"I was simply advising Jack on the best solution for disinfection," Sayid lied.

"He don't need no help from you. Come on. Finish up."

Sayid moved to follow the command, but Jack stopped him.

"Hey, it's good to know not everyone's gone crazy."

"I wouldn't worry about going crazy Jack. Everything will be fine soon enough."

He smiled, but Jack didn't see anything to smile about. It didn't worry Sayid in the least. If anything, his chat with Jack gave him a small sense of relief. To him, Jack was simply confused about his purpose, if such a thing existed.

When Sayid was done for the day, he was escorted by Thomas to his house. It had become routine, but once he was inside, Sayid had freedom.

"Don't know how you handle this. You seem like a good guy," Thomas stated as he followed behind him.

Sayid let his gaze wander over to Sawyer who was passing the compound in the distance. There was a brief minute where their eyes met. Once again, Sawyer expressed a look of guilt, but managed to nod to him in greeting. Sayid managed a nod right back, without any expression at all.

Late that night Sayid sat on the edge of his bed, staring down at the cold metal of the gun in his hands. If anyone had walked in, they would imagine he was contemplating suicide. The truth was, he couldn't sleep, and the reason he couldn't sleep was due to a dark thought that was clouding his mind.

Sayid understood how his life was going to be from now on. There would be no change. He would be trapped and forever labeled as an enemy within Dharma. Even if somehow his predicament changed to where his reputation was raised, he would still be Dharma. For the moment, he found it hard to see it as a positive. Regardless of agreeing to stay, Sayid felt he had made a mistake. This was not his life. His life had been taken and twisted to the point where he was nearly left with pure darkness. There were no second chances. If he continued to live this way, he was sure the island and the people would swallow him whole.

Slowly he got to his feet and hid the gun in his waist ban. He didn't hesitate to take one last look around as he left the house.

Sayid was careful to head to his destination without coming across two patrolling guards. Since the security cameras were causing issues, it was the best time for him to proceed with his plan.

He quietly made his way up to Sawyer's house. Aside from lifting a gun, Sayid had managed to pick up a pick from the trash that would be useful for breaking and entering. He did so quietly and quickly shut the door behind him. Sayid wanted to release a sigh of relief, but his heart was pounding too hard for it to happen. He closed his eyes, dreading what he was about to do. Still, he proceeded by moving further into the house.

He pulled out his gun and headed down the hall. He kept moving until he was standing before the last room where the door was slightly ajar. Sayid peeked inside and saw Sawyer laying across the bed in boxers and a top, with Juliet sound asleep next to him. For the moment Sayid could only stare, imagining the time he was in bed with the woman he loved.

He drifted away from the room and headed to the first one. He pushed against the door until it was wide enough for him to enter. Lying on the bed in this room, tummy side down, was his enemy in toddler form. He could feel his eyes trying to become wet, but he held back the emotion as best he could. He found he could do nothing but stand and stare as the emotion kept him in place. He had killed many men, but this was a mere child; a child Sawyer and Juliet had taken pity on and decided to help by raising. Sayid, however, knew there was no helping the boy. He still became the man responsible for their misery-his darkness.

Quietly, so as not to wake the boy, he entered the room. He dared not get too close to the boy. He couldn't, regardless of the fact that it was Ben. He didn't want to see his innocent looking face again. It was easier to remain at a distance. He knew full well he'd be caught, but he felt it was all worth it. He felt it was the reason he had been brought back to the island. To end the fear and darkness, and save them all.

"You were right about me," he whispered quietly. He had argued with the adult version that he was not a killer. Sayid now knew, it had been the one time Ben had told the truth.

Slowly he raised the gun, and aimed at the back of his head.

Whoa! Cliffhanger!

Well this whole chapter focused on Sayid and his thoughts concerning his predicament. Now we know how he truly feels about it.