It's midnight, I can hear my mom's grandfather clock chime twelve times from downstairs. I've been up, thinking to myself about what Chloe meant, "Everything".
What… what does that even mean?
"Everything".
I want to know how she sees me, how she feels when she's around me, what she thinks of me when I do all those nervous ticks she picked up on. I want to know when she knew when she knew I was the one she'd rather be with.
I shiver a bit, wondering how long she's felt the same way I have. How long has she had to lie to herself, to Rachael, to me? God, I can't imagine how hard it must have been, forcing herself to love someone who never truly loved her back, doing things against her will to please someone who could never be pleased.
Life is… ugh, Life is fucked up, to say the least.
Well, some parts of it are. We need to talk, just Chloe and me. Not about sexuality or anything like that… we need to talk about boundaries, things that one of us might do or say that might hurt or offend the other person. We need to know each other limits, expectations, comfort zones, shit like that.
Couples stuff.
I smile at that… couple.
We're a couple.
Well, we're not a couple until Chloe breaks up with Rachael, which We know she hasn't done.
She needs time, I think to myself. "She needs time," I say softly. I roll over and turn to see Chloe lying on the floor beside my bed. She looks to be out cold from a long day of driving, but it's hard to tell since she's covered her face with her arm. I smile inwardly and reach my hand down to hers, interlocking our fingers together. She grips my hand back for a second and squirms a little in her sleep, muttering something incoherent, before rolling over again. I smile and hop up, eager to have a midnight stroll.
The house is utterly silent aside from the creaking floorboards under my feet as I tiptoe down the hallway. Since it's most likely too cold for crickets, the outside world is silent except for the wind whistling past the windows. I walk up to the top of the stairs and look down into the seemingly perpetual darkness that is the lower floor. When I was a kid, I used to be terrified of the dark, huh, I'd slept with a nightlight 'till I was like 12.
Then Dad said that darkness is nothing more than the absence of light.
Kinda complex for a kid to understand but I always found it comforting for some reason. I sigh nostalgically, wishing to have those bittersweet memories back.
Tough luck, now all you get are disappointed parents.
Pfft, what else is new? I sigh again and shake my head trying to make myself think of something more positive,
like your girlfriend… if you can even call her that.
Hey, Chloe is… Chloe's dealing with a lot right too, so cut her some slack, I think to myself. I roll my eyes, "Wow, Max, the self-doubt is fucking real,".
I take a step down the stairs slowly, running my hand down the photo-covered walls. There's a photo from when I was two or three and we'd just moved into this house. Damn, I've lived here almost all my life… I've never really known anything besides my tight-knit community. Maybe that's why my parents struggled with me living at a school so far away. I take another few steps and find a pic of me on the very first day of school. Huh, my hair was pulled up so tight that day that I cried (aside from being scared that my parents were going to leave me with complete strangers) when I got home.
And that was the first and only year we were in an actual school… nice.
I roll my eyes once more and take another few steps down. There's a few of me with some of the neighborhood kids, running around in sprinklers or posing for funny pictures. Hmm, I should try and contact Kristian and Fernando while I'm here… it's been awhile since we all talked. I take a few more steps and find no more pictures of me, (this is odd because I'm an only child and my parents adore me) they've all been replaced by pictures of my extended family. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins etc.
Yep, they've definitely written you off.
"Be quiet already," I snap at myself, growing increasingly annoyed with my own internal monologue. I get to the ground floor and stand in the entryway, looking around and re-familiarizing myself with my old home. Everything looks the same but… it's still different. Everything stays, but it still changes. "Yeah," I mumble, "Nothing gold can stay.".
I sigh heavily and pad over to the living room where I settle myself on the floor in front of the fireplace. The embers of an earlier fire glow a soft amber color, the heat slowly withering away. I look around the large space, remembering how I'd spend most evenings here as a kid, telling my parents about my day and what I learned in "school".
My mother, (although she was my technical teacher) never seemed interested in what I had to say, or at the least, she already knew what I was going to talk about.
My dad (on the rare occasion he was home) only seemed to care when things were convenient for him or when I did something wrong. I sigh unevenly, remembering how scared I'd get when my dad got upset when he carried a pungent sharp smell on his breath.
I hug myself and shut my eyes tight, "Think about something else,". I rock myself on the ground for a while until the memories pass and the tick tick tick of the grandfather clock pull me back into reality.
I take a deep breath and look up at the clock face which reads 12:28.
I sigh and uncurl myself, planting my feet firmly on the ground.
It's okay.
I stand up slowly and make my way over to the kitchen. The cold floors send a shiver through my bare feet as I walk up and sit at the breakfast bar. I remember early Saturday mornings, mom would make us chocolate chip pancakes cause she knows how much I love them, hell I still love them. I breathe in, the smell of food still clings in the air, making my stomach grumble softly.
Mmm… cheeseburgers, my favorite.
Wait… did… did they make the without me? Knowing that coming home in less than a few hours?
Geez, you really did piss 'em off.
Naw, maybe they expected me to stop and get something on my way home. If I can even call it that anymore. I sigh and hop off the seat and pop open the fridge, hoping to find some leftovers.
Of course, there are no leftovers, dumbass. They only made enough for two people… not four, I think, pilfering around for something to eat.
I groan when I find nothing but the usual contents of every fridge in America. Fruits, vegetables milk, OJ, beer, meats, poultry… wait.
Beer?
I shut the door and open it again, trying to see if I'm seeing things. Nope, still there. I blink and slam the door, the content inside sloshing and tumbling inside. I press my body against the fridge, praying that the excess noise doesn't wake anyone. When everything settles, I swallow hard and make a beeline for the stairs, cutting through the living room to save time.
It's happening again, please don't let it happen again, I pray, trying not to panic, he quit, he promised he'd never… h- he promised.
I dash across the room, sliding on the slick hardwood floors and almost crashing into the furniture. "Shit shit shit!" I curse, trying to regain my footing, "Fucking socks!". I fly up the stairs, taking two steps at a time. My heart is pounding and I'm out of breath by the time I get to my room and lock the door behind me. "I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming," I mumble, pinching myself to see if I actually am.
I shake my head and sigh sharply, "F- fuck,". I continue to mutter obscenities to myself as I stumble over to my inhaler sitting on my nightstand.
I grab it and cough a little, my chest already feeling my chest begin to tighten from being overly stressed. I take a puff and then two and sit back on the bed, letting out a weary breath. I close my eyes and pray for something to distract me from this internal nightmare. I'm still jittery from the medicine and my discovery, so I continue to take slow deep breaths until I start relaxing and eventually start drifting off.
"In the diner," Chloe says suddenly, speaking through the darkness.
I jump a bit, her voice pulling me from my almost slumber.
"That's when I couldn't deny my feeling for you anymore I saw that that bastard was hurting you I- I just… snapped, I guess. Then you up and dropped everything to help and make sure I was okay. No one's ever done that for me… not even Rach when me 'n Nate would get into tussles. I… I really wanted to kiss you right there, Max, but I thought… I- I hoped… *sigh*-".
"You hoped I'd be the one to kiss you," I say, finishing off Chloe's sentence.
She stiffens up as if not expecting me to actually reply. Maybe she thought I was asleep.
"*Ahem* Uh, yeah. Y- you uh, you heard all that?".
"Yeah," I whisper, rolling over to face her, "I really wanted to kiss you too, Chloe,".
"I know," she replies., "And I know why you didn't,".
I frown a bit and give her a sympathetic look.
"You're such a good person, Max, way better than I'll ever be,".
"You are a good person, Chloe," I tell her, "You really are,".
"Hmm, you don't know me that well then," she says dully, "I lied to you… about going out with Rachael that day?".
I nod, "I know,".
She looks up at me startled, "What… h- how do you know that?".
"I asked Nathan if you were okay after the fight… y- you took quite the beating,".
She sighs and runs her fingers through her hair, "I was okay… I just spent the day away from everyone's shit,".
I nod understandably, "That's understandable,".
Chloe smiles dumbly up at me and I smile back. "Pfft, you're adorable you know that?".
I blush, "S- so I'm told,".
"God, stop being so goddamn humble but… that's probably what I like most about you,".
I blush even more and try to pick something from Chloe's intricate personality that I like the most.
"I- I like your blue hair," I say, listing the first thing that comes to mind.
She giggles a bit and smiles again, "You okay? I heard you wheezing a while ago, something happen?".
I shake my head quickly, "N- no, just the cold,".
Chloe gives me an odd look, "The cold…".
I nod even though I know she doesn't believe me, "Y- yeah but I'm fine. Thanks,".
She continues to stare at me unconvinced, "Max," she says, her words slow and deliberate, "You're stuttering again. Now I know something happened, I'm your… I'm your girlfriend. You can trust me, okay?".
I swallow hard, "Okay,".
"Good, now spill," Chloe says as she hops up and joins me on the bed. "I um, I was walking around the house, seeing what was new, what was different,".
"At midnight?".
I shrug and continue, "I… I- I think my dad is drinking again, Chloe".
"Oh… shit. That um, that's rough buddy," she says, clearly unsure of how to respond, "but uh, h- how do ya know?".
"I found bottles in the fridge," I reply, staring blankly at the ceiling above.
I turn to her and frown, "I'm scared,".
"Why? He… he's never hurt you did he?" Chloe asks wide-eyed.
"No no, god no. H- he just yelled a lot," I say quickly, turning away to mask my red face.
Dear god, Max. how many more lies are you going to tell her? How many more secrets? From the looks of it, it's you who doesn't trust her!
No… this is one secret Chloe can't know about, she just can't… it's for her own good.
"Max?".
I blink, "Huh?".
"Zone out much? Dude, don't worry 'bout it. I'm here to protect you,".
I nod and turn back to her, "Forever?".
She smiles, "Forever. Now, try to get some sleep," Chloe says, getting up and lying back down on her sleeping bag.
"Good night, Max,".
"Good night, Chloe".