February 12th 2002

I need to see him.

We can go whenever you want, Karen. I'm not stopping you from seeing him. I'll drive you and wait outside; you can take however long you need to. I just want you to be sure this is what you want; I mean, you haven't been all that enthusiastic about visiting him since Thanksgiving.

I don't really have a choice, Will.

On the other side of the glass, she saw a different man. One who had experienced all the things he worked to avoid. One who had started to acquire a new appreciation for the things that he did have. But they went through the same routine they had before he was arrested. Before this twist of fate led them both down paths they never expected to set foot on. Before she ever touched the skin of the one sitting next to her with feeling and heart, instead of doing it merely to push him away.

Karen could barely concentrate on the conversation she was supposedly engaged in with Stan. Her conversations with Will were swimming in her mind, and they showed no signs of rest. Luckily for her, she was getting by with generic statements for the most part. She looked beside her and saw Will sitting there, perfectly still, perfectly silent; he had greeted Stan at the beginning of this session, but soon after resumed his role as support system to her. He wasn't supposed to be here. He was supposed to wait in the car while she spoke to Stan, and once she felt satisfied that she had fulfilled her duties as a supportive wife she would get back in the car and pretend like nothing happened. But once she saw the building, she knew she couldn't go in there alone.

I'll be waiting for you out here. I'm not going anywhere.

I can't. I just can't. Come in with me. Please, Will, I'll feel so much better if you were just there with me. I don't think I can do this on my own this time.

Are you sure that's a good idea, Karen?

Why wouldn't it be?

I could slip and say something I shouldn't. You could slip and let something out about us. Maybe we'll act like we're too close or I'll look at you the wrong way and make him suspicious. I don't want to get you in trouble with him; the last thing I want for you is more hardship.

Please. I need you.

Damn it, give it a rest. You're not here for that, Karen, you're here for Stan. Clear your mind and get it over with so you can go home. She held the receiver between her ear and her shoulder and drew her finger down the glass separating them. It had come to this.

She wasn't an idiot; she knew that he was probably doing something on the wrong side of the law, possibly for years. No one could achieve that much wealth and power in the short amount of time it took him to achieve it. It couldn't be done, at least not with a guilty conscience. She played oblivious, but she knew eventually it would come back to haunt him.

She was only waiting for it to happen. And when they took him away, she didn't feel shock for the fact that they caught him. She felt shock for the fact that it took them this long to get suspicious. And while this sheet of glass had taken her aback the first time she visited, she had gotten used to it over time and came to appreciate it. For once, power shifted. For once, she was the one who was in control of things while he was forced to sit there and watch everything happening. For once, he was not an active player in her life. She was beginning to like it.

"Will it be like it was?"

Trapped in her own thoughts, she didn't hear that statement. She didn't even see his lips move; she was too busy looking at Will, wondering what he was thinking, wondering if he knew what the two of them were talking about. He couldn't hear Stan's end of the conversation, but she wondered if he could figure out what he was saying by how she responded.

"Karen?"

"What?" Oh god, that was harsh. That was mean. Keep it neutral, Karen, keep it calm. "I'm sorry, honey. What did you say?"

"Will it go back to normal once I'm out of here?"

The one thing she couldn't answer. The one thing Will dared not to bring up. Whenever they talked about the future, it was always she who initiated it, and it was never concrete. She couldn't help it; she felt the lump in her throat, the tears start to well up. She bowed her head down and couldn't catch the tear before it danced down her cheek, landing on the back of her hand, settled on her lap.

Out of the corner of her eye. No, he wasn't. Maybe he thought that Stan wouldn't be able to see it, so he was safe. Maybe he didn't care. She closed her eyes as Will's thumb brushed the saline away before his fingers wove with hers. He was only trying to help her, she knew that; making his presence known so he could comfort her if she needed it. But what he didn't know was that he just made her response a million times harder to speak.

"Yeah," she whispered. It wasn't very convincing, but he seemed to believe it. Stan had hope in his voice when he asked her that question. She couldn't crush that. She looked at Will, who was giving her a smile. He had no idea what she just agreed to. He didn't know what Stan had asked her. Unless he had the ability to read lips. But the smile on his face told Karen that he had no clue about the conversation from Stan's end.

"I love you, Karen. I want you to visit me more often."

"I love you too." The smile faded from Will's face, little by little. "Maybe I will. You know, with work and everything, I really have to check my schedule."

Stan gave her the loving words she had been craving from him for years. She didn't know how to respond to them other than saying them back, and she knew she was hurting Will in the process. But there was no way she could say outright to him that she didn't need those words anymore. That wasn't what she was supposed to do when visiting Stan. She kept to protocol, but she couldn't help feeling horrible about it.

On the way home, everything will sink in. On the way home, she'll realize that she told Stan that everything would be the same as it once was. On the way home, she'll realize she didn't really mean what she said to Stan.

But when she gets back home, she'll wonder if she meant it. She'll wonder if she was supposed to go back to the manse. Go back to the life she built with Stan. She knew it was expected of her. But she had a habit of doing the unexpected lately. God, she wished he hadn't have asked her that. She was so ready to stay with Will, or at least she had thought she was. But when Stan asked her if things would go back to normal, she thought of how life was like with him. Yes, there were many things that could be better with that life. But it was comfortable. She had gotten used to it, after all these years.

When she gets back home, she'll realize she's just where she started.

She doesn't know what she wants.