Sorry for not updating sooner… Real life just got in the way. Thank you to everyone who reviewed! I'm glad you liked Marie… I loved writing her. This chapter is just her and Josh!

Lilawonder: Are you talking about the The West Wing podcast with Josh Malina and Hrishikesh Hirway? I do and love it but like everything else in my life, I'm tragically behind!

If you're not already, you should all check it out!

Anyway, here's the story!

Enjoy!

I'm Not Fine

It was a short ride from the restaurant to his Mom's condo but Josh could feel his eyes fighting to stay open. It had been a long day and although dinner had been enjoyable, he was looking forward to having a break.

"They really are a charming couple." Marie commented. "I'm glad I got chance to meet them properly."

"Me too." Josh replied, sitting up more in his seat and rolled down the window, hoping a little fresh air would wake him up.

"And you can be sure I'll be singing their praises where ever I go." Marie continued, knowing Josh needed the distraction to stay awake. She knew her son was exhausted and normally would encourage him to get a good night sleep but she couldn't bear to go all night without knowing what was going on with him.

"I'll have some Santos/McGarry buttons sent to you to give out…" Josh quipped as they came to a stop.

"And it was nice to see Leo and Donna…" Marie started again once they had exited the cab. "I'm so happy that they're with you now on the campaign…"

"Yeah, Leo's still getting used to being the candidate and not running the show and Donna's been amazing…" He replied, following her into the condo, stopping to lean back against the door once he had closed it. "Mom…"

"Shall I put on some coffee?" She cut in, turning to look at him.

Josh wanted to tell her, he just wanted to go straight to bed. The last thing he wanted was coffee…He hadn't eaten much of dinner and what he had managed to force down made his stomach churn but the look on his Mom's face told him that she wanted to talk…And he had a pretty good idea about what.

"Sure…" He gave a small nod. "Do you mind if I have a shower first?"

"Go ahead." She reached out and squeezed his hand before heading into the kitchen.

Josh slowly made his way into the bathroom, dropping his bag to the floor before running his fingers through his hair then rubbed his eyes; trying to get himself to focus. He knew it was going to hurt her…He knew there was a chance she might not understand why he was continuing with the campaign so this conversation had to go right because his mom was one of the few people in this world who would be able to get him to quit.

Once he got into the shower, he stood with his head resting on the tiled wall, letting the water running over him until it ran cold. He stepped out, shivering but did feel more awake. He stood staring at himself in a mirror for a few minutes before being brought back to reality by his cell phone vibrating on the counter. Santos' name flashed up on the caller ID but something stopped him from answering it. He sat it back down until the call went to voicemail. If it was something he needed to deal with right now, then they'd find a way of getting hold of him but if not Leo and Lou could handle it….Tonight he needed to put his Mom first….she deserved that.

After dressing in comfortable sweats, he found his Mom sat on the couch, with a photo album on her lap.

"You're not planning on taking that to show my staff, are you?" Josh questioned, as he sat next to her.

She smiled softly at him and moved it over to him so he could look to. "That's not a bad idea…"

Josh took the album to see the photo she had been looking at. It was of him, his Dad and Grandfather at his high school graduation. He smiled a little. "I like this photo."

"Me too." Marie agreed. "It's one of my favorites…You can practically see the pride bouncing off of the both of them…. They'd be even prouder of you if they were here today…"

"Mom…"

"I know I am…"

"Really?" Josh asked. "Even though it's sometimes weeks before I call you…even longer for visits…"

"Your job keeps you busy…I understand that." She told him. "Don't ever doubt how proud I am of you or how much I love you, Joshua."

Josh fell silent and his eyes went back to the photograph; he'd give anything to have his Dad back.

"Joshua?" Marie put a hand on top of his in concern when she saw a tear rolling slowly down his cheek.

"Did he know?" He whispered, a finger running over the image of his father. "Was the cancer worse than he told me? Did he know he was going to die?"

"No, honey…Of course not." She stated. "What made you think that?"

"Something Leo said earlier…" He brushed away the stray tear. "He said Dad made him promise to look out for me."

"We didn't hide anything from you, Joshua…."

"I wouldn't blame you if you did." Josh cut in. "I mean, I know you wouldn't want to worry me…"

"Joshua, the doctors were very optimistic about your Father's treatment." She claimed. "We knew there was a risk it wouldn't work or there could be complications but everyone was happy with the progress he was making…."

"But…" Josh prompted, knowing there was more.

Marie sighed. "I don't know for sure but I think he might have known…"

"I thought you said…"

"Nothing anyone said should have given him reason to believe he'd die but I don't know…The week before, he insisted that he had to make sure everything was in order….He'd normally be joking around and keeping in touch with the office but that day when he went into the hospital, he was different…he was worried about me and about you… "

"You think he knew?"

Marie shrugged. "Like I said, there was no reason for him to think it was going to be any different than when he went in before but I don't know…maybe he had some kind of feeling…"

Josh's jaw clenched as he tried to keep ahold of his emotions and looked back to the photo album, turning the page to another picture of his graduation but this time it was of him with both his parents.

"This is a good photo, too…" He whispered.

"Joshua, did you ever feel like that?" Marie asked. "After the shooting or when you were ill?"

"No." He shook his head. "At Rosslyn…After I was hit, it hurt like nothing I felt before and I was scared that no one was going to find me in time….and then after, I guess I was too out of it to think too much about it and by that time they reduced the drugs, I was pretty much out of danger..."

He paused to turn the page again, this time it was a picture of just his parents.

"With the cancer, I really didn't have time to think about it." He told her. "The treatment was hell and there were times when I was frustrated and worried about how much more I could actually take but no, I don't think I ever thought I was actually going to die…"

Marie didn't reply, instead she just watched him turning pages in the photo album. A picture of him with Noah's parents…One of the two of them with her father…the next was a rare one of of her, Noah, Josh and Joanie.

"What about now?" She whispered, staring at the picture he paused on.

He swallowed and finally looked at her. "Mom…"

"It's back, isn't it?"

"Yeah." He confirmed with a small nod. "I saw my doctor when we were in DC…He ran some tests…."

She reached over, grasping his forearm with both hands tightly.

"I'm sorry, Mom…"

"Oh honey…" She choked tearfully. "What did the doctor say? What about the treatment? Have you spoken with the congressman….I mean, you can't be running all over the country…"

"Mom…"

Marie looked at him closely and her stomach turned…She knew that look. It was look he always had when he had bad news or told her something he thought was going to disappoint her.

"Please tell me that you're going to have the treatment…" Marie asked, her hold tightening on his arm but he didn't answer. "You're putting it off until after the election? That there is treatment…"

Josh gently removed her hands and held them in both of his own. "The doctor said….He said….the thing is…"

"No…." She shook her head, already knowing what he was trying to tell her.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. "Its spread too far…they said the treatment will only help with the pain…maybe prolong things…"

"They must be wrong."

"I got a second opinion." He told her.

She slowly sat back against the couch, bringing a hand to cover her mouth as she struggled to hold back a sob.

"So, the treatment…"

"I'm not going to have the treatment, Mom."

"What?"

"I can't quit my job." He claimed. "Not now…Not after how hard I've worked to get here."

"But honey, you have to have the treatment."

"Why?" He questioned, running a hand through his hair. "So I can spend the rest of what's left of my life in a hospital?"

"It doesn't have to be like that…"

"Mom, this job is important….I need to make Matt Santos President of the United States… This is going to be the last thing I do."

"That's why you wanted me to meet him?" She asked. "Why you wanted me to like him?"

"I needed you to know I was doing all this to make the right man President." He told her. "I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't believe in him."

"Does he know?"

"No."

"Are you going to tell him?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because he's a good man…" He said softly. "Because he wouldn't let me continue without the treatment."

"He'd have a point."

"It's not going to change anything, Mom." He sighed. "I remember the chemo from last time…You must remember what it was like for me…like for Dad…I don't want to spend the last few weeks of my life like that."

"Weeks?!"

"The doctors said they couldn't be sure how long it would be." He answered.

"Honey, if it means more time…"

"No, Mom." He shook his head. "Please, understand why I need to do this…"

"No, you understand…You don't just give into this!" She said firmly. "You keep fighting."

"I am, Ma…." He promised. "And I'm not just giving into this… I'm trying to live my life the way I want to…I want to do it this way, Mom."

She nodded a little and grabbed a tissue off the coffee table in front of them, trying to dry her eyes.

"Once the campaign is over, I'll talk to the doctor again." He said softly. "But I don't want to give up on the Congressman…not yet."

"And nobody else knows?"

"Just Leo and Donna."

"They do?"

"Yeah, they're not happy about it either but they say they understand." Josh told her. "I really hope you can too."

"I do, honey." She assured him. "I don't like it but you're your father's son… There was no talking him out of quitting his job and resting."

"If you ask me to quit then I will." Josh told her and meant it. The campaign was important to him but not more than his mother who had always been there for him, no matter what.

"I won't."

They both fell silent and after a few minutes, Josh sighed and closed the photo album, placing it on the table in front of them.

"Just Donna and Leo know about this?" Marie questioned again quietly.

"I don't want to distract from the campaign." Josh led his head back against the couch and allowed his eyes to close.

"And do they think keeping it quiet is a good idea?"

He shrugged. "I dunno but they understand why I'm doing it this way."

"What about the President and First Lady…"

"No, Mom…"

"Joshua, they care about you…"

"He has a lot going on right now and it's not been that long since he had an MS attack…" Josh reason. "I'm not bothering him with this."

"He wouldn't see it as you bothering him."

"Yeah, well I do…." He sat up and rubbed his eyes. "I don't work for him anymore… He's got more concerning things to deal with."

"Joshua, you really don't believe he'd think like that!"

"Sometimes, Mom you just have to play the politics game… The First Family included."

"I know you've struggled with your friendships with everyone after you left the White House but you must know they're your friends."

Marie had been concerned before the convention when she would talk to him on the phone and he was running the Congressman's campaign with just a small staff of people that he barely knew. She had hated that his friends wasn't around him. Her heart broke for him when Leo and the President had wanted him to convince Santos to take Russell's VP offer… They had put him in such a difficult position. He wanted to stay true to himself and be loyal to his candidate but it almost destroyed him when he thought he let the two of them down. She had a feeling though this wasn't about Leo and the President or even Toby and C.J, who she knew he hadn't mended bridges with yet either.

"It's not the same anymore…" He whispered.

"But you have told Donna and Leo…"

"I've always found it hard to keep things from Leo when he asks me out right about something…" Josh admitted. "And he made me tell Donna."

"You didn't want to?"

He rubbed his eyes. "I wanted to spare her all this…We haven't exactly been best of friends lately…"

"Which is more reason why it's important you fix it now."

"I don't want her to feel beholden to stick by me…"

"Honey, how could you think that?" Marie questioned in surprise. "Donna cares about you so much…"

"She left, Ma…" He suddenly got to his feet. "I know she wanted to further her career…I know she wanted more and that it was the job she left but she was never just my assistant…she was always my friend, my best friend…and when she left the white house behind without a second glance, she left me too…"

"Oh, honey…"

"Her boyfriend back in Wisconsin held her back and took advantage of her…" He continued. "I don't want her to stick around now just because she feels she has to…"

Marie shook her head. "You two have been through a lot…some of it bad but also a lot of good… She cares about you, Joshua, there is no doubt in my mind and I can understand your desire to keep this away from her so it doesn't burden or hurt her but you can't… If I know her as well as I think I do, then she is going to want be there every step of the way…"

"How do you know?"

"Because I've been in her position…" She reached for his hand and pulled him so he was sat beside her again. "Honey, your Dad did everything he could to spare me while he was going through treatment…he was telling jokes….acting like it was no big deal…pretending he didn't feel as terrible as he did but I knew him and I knew how he really felt…nothing and I mean nothing would have got me to stay away while he went in for his treatment or stop me from taking care of him when he was at home."

"We're not you and Dad, though." Josh replied.

"No, you're not." She gave him a small smile and patted his hand. "But I know you care about each other deeply…Talk to her…Be honest about how you feel but if you think she's just going to walk away, well…I think you'll be in for a surprise."

TBC

Hope you enjoyed this, please review…Now I'm off for a bank holiday nap!