SPECIAL THANKS TO DARKRABBIT77 FOR ANOTHER GREAT IDEA.
PROPS BRO!
ENJOI!
A FEW WEEKS LATER….
Derek woke up to the sound of music. He walked out into the main room and found Red playing some music on his iPhone.
"Damnit Red, you're gonna give me a headache." Derek said as he rubbed his temples.
"Take an aspirin, it worked for me." Red said as he continued the music. Derek and Red had spent the night before drinking heavily, and there were signs of a fire in the front of the house. Neither of them knew what the hell happened last night.
"So what did we burn out front?" Derek asked.
"I don't know. It might have been mail or something." Red said as he stopped the music and walked to the door. The front yard was littered with shit. There was garbage, beer bottles, and a big pile of ashes where they apparently had a huge fire. They walked around for a while looking for clues, but found nothing.
"Well, whatever. Let's go see what's up in Ponyville, maybe we can find out what the fuck we did." Derek said as he changed his shorts and tank into his ACU.
They walked the dirt path into Ponyville, debating who won the drinking contest from last night.
"Bitch, you in the army, they don't let you drink." Red said.
"You have no idea what you're talking about, plus we both know who the lightweight was in college." Derek said.
"Shut up! I puke once because you put something in my drink and you say it's because I'm a lightweight. You don't know me." Red said. They continued to argue as they neared Ponyville. They argued until they were in the middle of town square.
"Wait, why is everyone staring at us?" Red said as he stopped Derek and looked around.
"I don't know, but it's actually kind of freaking me out." Derek said as he pulled his patrol cap down to hide his eyes.
"Let's… go." Red said slowly as they slowly walked away.
"Let's go to Sweet Apple Acres. I remember Big Mac drinking with us. Maybe he can tell us what the hell happened in our yard." Derek said as they avoided stares.
They eventually arrived at the farm and approached the barn.
"Aye, Big Mac!" Derek shouted as they searched for him.
"Ohh, Derek, is that you?" He heard Applejack say from inside the barn.
"Yeah, do you know where Big Mac is?" Derek asked as Red looked around.
"Yeah, he up 'n went to that special banquet thing in Canterlot with the rest of the males in Ponyville. Why didn't you two go?" She asked as she gave them the same intense stare as the rest of the mares in town.
"We didn't know about it." Red said.
"The Princess had invitations sent out, what happened ta yours?" She asked as she quickly licked her lips.
"Umm…." Red said as he looked at Derek. Derek nodded back, knowing what Red was thinking.
"Probably in the fire." Derek said.
"Oh, well, you two should consider yourselves lucky." Applejack said as she walked toward them.
"Uh, why?" Derek asked.
"Cause it's mating season, and you two are the only ones here." She said as she continued to walk toward them.
"WhAt?" Red said with a nervous squeak.
"Oh fuck, she's got the look! RETREAT!" Derek yelled as Applejack tried to pounce on them.
They ran as fast as they could into the apple orchard, with Applejack in pursuit.
"C'mon, it's my first mating season! I'm legal to mate now!" She said as she tried to track them.
They sneaked away as fast as they could without making a noise, and finally made it out.
"Holy shit, now I know what all those stares were about. We're the only two guys here, and they all want us!" Red said.
"This is too funny, man." Derek said with a laugh.
"What, how we will eventually get caught and get raped till we die?" Red said as he quickly looked to make sure they weren't seen.
"No dude, let's make this into a game." Derek said.
"How the hell do we do that? Whoever gets raped by the most mares and doesn't die wins?" Red said with a slightly worried face.
"No. Let's see which one of us can get the most mares to chase us without getting caught. Whoever has the most mares on his trail by, say, tomorrow, wins." Derek said.
"When you say, 'caught', you mean….."
"Had sex." Derek clarified.
"Umm, ok I guess." Red said.
"Alright, I'll go this way, you go that way. Safe house is our house. I have a secret panic room behind the fridge." Derek said. They shook hands, and then ran opposite directions.
The game… has begun.
ON ONE SIDE OF PONYVILLE…..
Derek was sneaking around on the rooftops, using his abilities to make himself invisible so the Pegasus ponies flying over wouldn't give him away for what he was about to do. Her jumped off a roof and rolled into the center of the market, still invisible. He took the top part of his ACU off to show off his upper body, and then made himself visible.
"Oh snap!" He said as he struck a pose, flexing his muscles and showing off his tan. Every pony in the market stopped in their tracks. They stared at him for a while as he changed poses. "Who wants some?" He shouted as he held out his arms, as if saying 'come and get it'.
The mares started to slowly surround him, each with a different look in their eyes. Right as they were within arm's reach, he jumped over the crowd and started running, teasing them with a dorky looking smile. They all began to follow him.
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF PONYILLE…
Red hid in the bushes nervously. He couldn't run as fast as Derek because he didn't have any powers, and he knew the ponies would easily catch him. He looked for a way to sneak around town. He saw that some buildings had fire escapes and things he could use to climb, so he figured he could just Assassin's Creed himself around town.
He slowly exited the bush and walked to a building. He figured he could just lean up against the side of the building and yell something to get the attention of all the mares in the area. He quickly turned the corner and leaned on the building like he was hot shit.
"What can a guy do in this town to not be so bored?" He shouted. All the mares instantly stopped and looked. He stood up straight and sweat formed on his forehead. He knew he was in for the run of his life. "Who thinks I should throw a party?" He said loudly. All the mares raised their hooves as they closed in.
Red looked at them and smiled nervously. "Well, you gotta catch me first!" He said as he bolted around the corner and up the fire exit. Some of the mares tried to follow him, and the others just watched as the human ran across the rooftop.
'Shit shit shit shit SHIT!' Ray thought as he approached the edge of the roof. He closed his eyes and jumped, hoping he was strong enough to make it to the other side. He landed solidly on the roof of the next building, and continued running as the mares who tried to follow him stopped.
THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN- DEREK'S TERRITORY…..
Derek was having almost too much fun running from the mares, but he knew he had to lose them before they caught on to his game. He quickly rolled off to the side, into a ditch, and began running the opposite way.
"Where'd he go?" He heard a mare say as they stopped and looked around. He stopped and hid under a small bridge and couldn't help to laugh silently at his situation.
"Well, might as well see who else wants to chase me." He said as he ran quietly in the direction of Sugarcube Corner. He made himself invisible and walked up to the door. He knocked a few times, and Pinkie Pie came to answer. He quickly made himself visible.
"Pinkie Pie, can I hide in here for a while?" Derek asked as he looked around.
"Umm, ok!" Pinkie Pie said happily.
'Wait, is she old enough? Maybe she's too young to care yet. Oh well, I could use a quick rest.' Derek thought.
"So what brings you here?" Pinkie asked as she handed Derek a plate of 30,000 cupcakes.
"Uh, just looking for a place to hide out, being me and Red are the only two males around and all." Derek said as he slowly pushed the plate away.
"Oh, is that what all the noise was earlier? I swear some ponies get so worked up over this mating season stuff." Pinkie Pie said.
"Yeah, but, what confuses me is that you're not trying to kidnap me right now, like the others." Derek said.
"Well, it is true that it's mating season, but I just don't get that worked up unless I see somepony with a real taste for laughter." Pinkie said as she gave Derek a huge smile.
"Ok?" Derek said slowly as he looked out the window.
"Well, it's been nice, but I should go check on Red, see if he's dead yet." Derek said as he gave Pinkie Pie a nice smile and a wave before he left. She stood there with a weird smile, then slowly backed into her room and locked the door.
OH SNAP!
Red ran as fast as he could across the rooftops. Several Pegasus ponies swooped in and tried to grab him, but he knew better. He had been picked up by two already, and had to grab a wing to make them release him. He quickly dodged, and jumped to another roof. He ran across and then jumped onto another building with a steep roof. He slid down the other side and landed in a bush. He quickly got up and began running. He made a quick move behind another bush before the ponies chasing him could get a chance to see where he went.
"Where'd he go?" One mare said.
"Darn, I really wanted to spend some 'quality time' with him." Another mare said.
Red waited for them to continue their search elsewhere before he came out of hiding. He noticed Rarity's boutique was only a few yards away, so he sprinted over.
'Surely Rarity will have more manners than the others. Maybe she'll let me hide for a while so I can rest.' Red thought to himself. He quickly ran up to the door and knocked. He heard a loud crash, and then hurried steps approach the door. Rarity opened and saw Red.
"Rarity, please let me in, I need to rest from all these ponies chasing me for my-" Red was cut off by Rarity.
"MINE!" She screamed as she pulled him into her house.
"Rarity, have some manners!" Red said as she threw him on a couch. Red knew he was in trouble so he thought for a way to postpone her intentions.
"Rarity, please, be a dear and let me clean up a little before you start." Red said in a high class voice. Rarity stopped for a second, and seemed to snap out of it.
"You're right. We should be at least a little clean for our moment. Please do wash up." She said as she laid on the couch, resting in a sexy pose.
"Christ I can't believe she's that crazy!" Red said to himself as he entered the bathroom. He opened a window and quickly climbed out, falling into a bush. He sat there for a moment before he noticed a form next to him.
"Derek!" Red said as Derek covered his mouth.
"I saw what happened. You're sooooo lucky you got out of that. You would have lost the bet." Derek said as he chuckled.
"Shut the hell up. I don't know how you're going to judge us tomorrow; I don't even know how many mares I had on my ass earlier." Red said.
"I think a rule change is in order. Go until tomorrow without getting laid and you win." Derek said.
"Agreed, cause I really don't think it's possible to count the mares as they try to catch you." Red said as he wiped some sweat from his forehead.
"Alright, you're on your own again, pal." Derek said as he turned invisible and flew into the sky.
"Damn." Red said as he continued to hide in the bush.
IN THE SKY…
Derek flew through the sky as fast as he could without breaking the sound barrier. He made himself visible again just because he knew there wasn't a single Pegasus in the sky… or was there?
DRAMATIC MUSIC…. NO FUCK THAT.
Derek landed on a cloud and rested. He might as well take it easy for a while. He did basically seduce almost half of Ponyville at once. Derek's hearing suddenly picked up a noise. He looked around to see what it was, only to find a blur of colors zoom toward him. In an instant he was tackled by Rainbow Dash.
"Hey Derek, what's up." She said as she climbed off him.
"Me and Red have been running away from mares all day." Derek said.
"Hey, I can help hide you and Red! There's an old warehouse on the outskirts out Ponyville. Get Red and follow me there." Rainbow Dash said. Derek got up and flew toward town.
IN THE SAME BUSH
Red heard footsteps. He curled up and tried to remain as quiet as possible to avoid any attention. Suddenly, the bush opened. Red turned away and thought he was caught, but he felt a hand on his shoulder instead of a thousand hooves.
"Red, I know a place to hide, I'll take you." Derek said quickly as he grabbed Red and took off into the sky.
"Holy shit!" Red half screamed as he was taken into the sky with Derek. "Drop me and I swear to fucking God!" Red threatened.
"It's ok, I found a spot for us to relax for a while." Derek said as he followed Rainbow Dash. She led them to an old warehouse. They landed next to the building and Derek let go of Red, who was more than happy to be on the ground again.
"Ok, Red, you go into the warehouse section of the building and hide, I'll lead Derek into the old office area of this place and show him a good hiding spot." Rainbow Dash said. Red nodded and entered the warehouse.
"This place is creepy." He said as he walked around old dust covered machines. He walked to about the middle of the building when suddenly all the lights turned on.
"What the hell?" Red said as he heard a laugh. It wasn't a regular laugh though; it was a quiet attempt at an evil laugh. He turned to the sound of the laughter and saw Fluttershy standing on a machine, failing at looking like a threat.
"I got you know Red. I saw you running through Ponyville all day today, and know I have you to myself. Ha ha ha." She tried to laugh. Red was sort of disturbed. He was worried because of a mare trying to catch him, but also amused that it was Fluttershy and funny because she couldn't pass as a villain if she tried.
"Umm…." Red said as he backed away.
"Oh no you don't. Get him! That is, if you want." Fluttershy said in her normal voice. Animals suddenly appeared out of nowhere, all trying to capture Red.
'It's ok. You're good with animals, you can do this.' Red thought to himself as he started running toward the animals. The first couple animals were eagles. He simply stopped and quickly complimented their pristine looks and honorable qualities, making them land and feel good about themselves.
The next three animals where bears. "Fucking A." Red said to himself. He proceeded to dodge the three of them and climbed up a tall machine, where they couldn't follow him.
"Get him." Fluttershy attempted to yell. Red was stopped by a large swarm of wasps.
"No way, you can talk to bugs too? SICK!" Red said as he approached the swarm. He held out his hand and a wasp landed in his hand. "So how do you manage to stay in a swarm like that without crashing into each other? It must take a lot of coordination and skills to do that." Red said as he held the wasp up to his face. The wasp looked back at the swarm and nodded its head, then went back and the swarm disappeared. Red bolted to an exit door he saw behind Fluttershy.
He was about 10 yards from Fluttershy when a large group of pissed off rabbits appeared, led by Fluttershy's pet, Angel. The rabbits all leaped at Red, who just dodged and eventually made his way to Fluttershy, who was very surprised with him. He stood just inches from her face and looked her in the eyes.
"Fluttershy, you should know better, c'mon." Red said with a slightly disappointed tone. "If you want to hang out and get to know me better, just ask, you don't need to trap me." Red said. He quickly leaned in and gave her a quick kiss, then ran by her to the exit.
"I'll be seeing you soon!" Red said as he kicked the door out and ran. Fluttershy just stood there in disbelief, and with a bright red blush.
MEANWHILE IN THE OFFICE AREA…
Derek followed Rainbow Dash deeper into the office. There were several old desks and knocked down cubicle walls.
"So Dash where is this spot you told me about?" Derek asked.
"Just a little further." Rainbow Dash said as she looked back. Derek looked away for a second, and Rainbow Dash took action. She quickly turned around and grabbed his arm, pulling him to her. She embraced him and locked lips with him for a full 2 minutes. Derek ended up breaking the kiss, and saw that Rainbow Dash had the same look as the others, but with more lust and love than any of the other mares.
'Shit! She's gonna be hard to deal with since she actually knows and loves me!' Derek thought as he stepped back. Rainbow tightened her grip, but Derek wrestled his way out.
"Rainbow Dash, snap out of it!" He said as he backed toward a window.
"Derek, we're getting married, let's consummate our love!" She said as she jumped toward him.
"Maybe, but not today, you're all acting like this is the first time you've ever seen a male." Derek said. Rainbow Dash just responded with another attempt to kiss. Derek dodged, then took off flying out the window, leaving Rainbow Dash stunned at his agility and speed.
She quickly snapped out of it and chased after him. She could see him in the distance, but knew she needed to speed up. She started flying as fast as she could, and before long, a Mach cone started to form.
"Let's see you dodge this!" She said as she went faster. Eventually, she performed a Sonic Rainboom. The sudden noise and light caught Derek off guard, along with Rainbow Dash plowing into him, sending them both to the ground.
"Alright, that's it." Derek said as he got up. He walked over to Rainbow Dash and held her down before she could get up to attack him again.
"Rainbow, I know you can't help this craziness, but seriously. You know what we are planning, just wait for it to come." Derek said. Rainbow Dash looked at him with a look of sadness.
"I'm so sorry, I just can't help it." She said.
"I know, it's ok. Don't worry, it'll come eventually. As for right now, I can give you this." Derek said as he leaned in and once again locked lips with her. She initially had a look of shock, but then decided it would do for now. They laid on the ground kissing for about 10 minutes before Derek stopped.
"Well, I suppose I should go check on Red." Derek said.
"Yeah, uh, Fluttershy was going to trap him." Rainbow Dash said as she stared into the sky with a smile.
"I figured. Well, see you later." Derek said as he took off.
"That guy," Rainbow Dash said as she stared into the sky, "That guy knows how to romance somepony." She said with a smile.
INDEED.
Quote of the day: "What the hell is this? These are recyclable God damnit!" – Drill Sergeant as he sees two plastic bottles in the garbage.