11 Boxing Day - Processing the Past

At the table, over their meal the two women could not talk fast enough to bring one another up to date on the incidents of their lives since they last been on good enough terms to share the minutia of life with one another. Constantly breaking in, apologizing, then hurrying on to tell the imperative story, they alternately laughed or commiserated as the situation demanded.

Once the kitchen was put to rights again, they made themselves comfortable on the sofa and found themselves oddly silent. Normally when they sat here together they started out close. This time each had taken an end and sat facing the other. Kate raised grave eyes to Caroline's, and began "Caroline, I know I have hurt you terribly. This is the first chance we've had to really talk. I need to tell you some things. Will you hear me out?"

Caroline knowing that they needed to start this process still dreaded it. Was afraid that it might tear them apart again. Everything felt so fragile. Still, putting if off wouldn't help. She nodded.

Kate who had rehearsed this so many times in her mind still struggled to begin. Finally, "Caroline there was so much going on in both of our lives last spring. Maybe it would have been more surprising if we hadn't run into trouble. I don't say that to excuse either of us, just to point out that we were both stressed.

Looking into Caroline's face, Kate told her. "This was about you and me and how things were between us but it was also largely the baby issue with me. You need to know a little more of my history, I think, before you can understand how things were for me then."

"You know that I was married to Richard, that I lost four babies." Taking a deep breath and swallowing hard, "what you don't know about are the depressions that I went into after each one. They were hard on all of us. Well, it was a hormonal thing really but it got pretty bad for a while each time." Whispering, "I treated poor Richard abominably." Smiling wanly, "He was always kind, not letting any of the cruel things I said matter, understanding that it was the... condition talking." Sighing and looking at the ceiling, Kate closed her eyes and said, "of course, that only made me more angry, I couldn't figure out why he wasn't as furious as I was."

Seeing concern and sympathy in Caroline's face, "Anyway, with hormone therapy, I would get better and after a while we would try again for a baby. Only to have the whole thing happen to us again." Taking another deep breath, Kate willed herself to go on. "Each time Richard was more and more reluctant to try. Wanted us to adopt. Tried to talk me into it but there was something in me that insisted that I HAVE a child." With her head moving back and forth slowly Kate looked into herself, trying yet again to figure out this conundrum. "Maybe it is just the way I am wired? A genetic imperative of some kind? I don't understand it myself. I don't really expect you to understand it. Eventually, it was this that caused the break down of our marriage."

Raising her eyes once again to Caroline's, pleading for Caroline to believe her, "All I know is that when it comes to the subject of babies I can become... compulsive."

For the first time since Kate began, Caroline spoke, sympathy intertwined with pain in her voice as she said, "Kate." As so often happened with them, the look in Caroline's eyes accompanying this single syllable spoke volumes about the empathy Caroline had for Kate's state of mind.

Seeing that Caroline was with her, Kate was encouraged to go on. Closing her eyes again for moment, considering how to explain, "It was that day outside the assembly when we were talking about houses and I told you that I wanted a baby. Even though I saw the shock on your face, I knew I had to try to convince you. I was on autopilot through my classes that day. All I could think about was the possibility of having a baby. I'd been too afraid to start down that path alone. What if it all happened again? What if it wasn't just trying with Richard? What if it was my fault and it happened again. What would happen to me without Richard to take care of me, see me through it all? But now I had you. I wouldn't be alone."

Seeing by Caroline's nod that she was grasping the situation, "So, by the time you and I were able to talk again, walking on the playing fields that afternoon, I was wired. I thought I had it all figured out. I knew that IVF could take months and months to work, maybe years. It was time I didn't have. As I told you, Greg had always been at the back of my mind after I split with Richard."

Seeing the closed look that came to Caroline's face, Kate went on, "Greg. I broke up with him at uni because he was kind of a bore," Kate admitted. Don't get me wrong, he was smart and capable but when he was with me he was somehow always trying too hard. He was always ready to follow my lead, would do anything I asked. It might sound good to have a man at your beck and call but it got old very quickly, at least with Greg. So I broke up with him. But he was always there, cheerful, obliging, friendly. We were in the same larger group of friends, hence the Christmas cards and occasional emails. I knew he wasn't attached at the time this came up between you and me, and believed that if I asked, he would be willing to…" Once again unable to look Caroline in the eye, Kate watched the nervous fingers in her lap. I had reason to believe that if I asked Greg to do this for me it was likely he would agree.

Stealing a glance at the frighteningly quiet woman across from her, to find 'Dr. Elliot' once again regarding her levelly, ready to pounce on anything which didn't ring true, Kate went back to gazing into the fire. "When he called the very next day to say that he was passing through on his way south and asked to see me on my birthday, it seemed to be a sign that I should proceed with this now." Looking up, knowing that she would find skepticism written on the face of the scientist, who by training did not believe in 'signs', only facts in evidence. Seeing the blonde head inclined slightly, so piercing blue eyes could look over glasses that were not there, Kate quickly added, "at least in the state I'd worked myself into by then it seemed to be an indication to move forward. So I brought the subject up with Greg on the phone, knowing it was premature. Knowing that you and I were not on the same page yet with this decision."

"I knew your lack of comment one way or the other at the end of the practice field had been a signal that you would be processing that conversation, not acquiescence, at least," pausing to steal a glance at Caroline, "not to the method. But the old desire to have a baby had been rekindled in me. It wouldn't let go, had been fed by that conversation, just the fact that we had talked so openly together about it and you hadn't said no." Then more slowly, "Also, by having allowed myself to face the fact that time for having a baby really was running out for me."

Wanting now, only to get it all out in the open Kate continued all in a rush, "Even when you told me on the couch that evening that you still had things to process, that you had reservations about the idea of my having sex with anyone to get pregnant and even though I told you that I wasn't planning to do the deed that weekend, in the back of my mind I was quite aware of my cycle, the fact that I was ovulating at the weekend. I hoped that I could change your mind and convince you by then that we should just move forward since Greg was already there. Then we could just put that bit behind us."

The struggle to comprehend Kate' state of mind registered clearly on Caroline's face. She stood, crossing to the fireplace. One hand on the mantle, the other on her hip, weight on one leg Caroline looked unseeingly into a far corner of the room for a long moment, thinking, trying to process what Kate was telling her. Bringing her head down, she looked intently at Kate, saying incredulously, "So, this… desperation to have a baby was already becoming more important to you than I was?

Kate feeling the pressure of Caroline's narrowed eyes on her as well as the shame and guilt that she had carried for so long, once again closed her eyes trying to find the words to explain what happened next. Unable to keep the pleading tone from her voice, Kate went on "You have to keep in mind that this essential need for a baby had taken hold of me. I was convinced that it had to be now. I was thinking of little else at the time but how to make this all come together."

Rushing on again, "I thought that we would be checked in at the hotel early enough on Friday to have some time to ourselves before we had to go down to meet Greg. I wanted to sit with you, quietly, just the two of us. Try to explain one more time the urgency that wouldn't let go of me. Convince you that it would be best for both of us to just get this part out of the way so that we could move forward together without having to keep thinking of the sex part." Unable to face Caroline, Kate looked into her lap saying almost inaudibly, "That is how it seemed to me at the time. In my" pausing to glance up at Caroline, "desperate state."

"Then, we got to the hotel and you had booked two separate rooms. Something inside me just went off. I was disappointed in you for doing this, for your inability to be with me openly even in front of people we didn't know and were unlikely to see again." Fixing Caroline with her direct gaze, Kate lifted her chin, "Of course, that was the end of our 'quiet time'."

"On top of all the slights I had received from you, Caroline, over the course of the months that we became friends, then lovers it was just too much." Kate's pain and frustration came into her voice now, "I'd been patient and understanding for as long as I could be. It never seemed to bring me any higher on your priority scale. You always seemed to be dealing with incoming flack, your mother, John, Judith, everything came before me. Naturally, you had responsibilities to the boys, your job, there just wasn't time or place for me in your life. I realized this as I was dressing, after we checked in. Even this weekend when, in theory, we were going to spend time alone, just you and me, it had turned into separation. I just couldn't take anymore. Can you see that Caroline? I couldn't see how anything was ever going to change."

Kate had been watching the emotions race across this expressive face, hurt and anger that Kate would consider being with Greg, consternation at booking two rooms, realization and accountability for the way she had treated Kate and the position she'd placed her in by not caring for her properly, meeting her needs, the guilt at taking Kate, her kindness and support for granted and not making her a high enough priority in her life. Caroline remained silent now, not really knowing what she could say in the face of this and too moved by her own shortcomings to speak, so she only nodded, her face and neck working to maintain her composure.

Seeing this Kate went on, still a little defiantly, "It felt like I had to protect myself now. It became clear to me that I was wrong when I thought I needed you to be there for me when I had the baby. I realized that your strength and your support were there for everyone except me. So now, I had to think about what was good for me. For a change, what I wanted.

Then in a softer tone, "I had made myself so available to you, dropped things in my life to be with you and I did not see you doing the same. No matter how many times I listened to you and your problems, no matter how supportive of you I was, it never seemed to occur to you to reciprocate. There was seldom time for us to really talk. Everything was going so fast and you and I hadn't had the time to become a couple, not really. That was clear when you booked two rooms for us. And finally, when I thought you were going to take time to focus on me, I found myself shunted to the side once again. You didn't really want me. I had to face that. As much as it hurt, as much as I didn't want to face it, I knew that it was up to me to find a way forward. Alone. Again. So, I had to tell you, and I did, in the bar when I came downstairs.

Kate's face contorted with remembered pain, "the only thing, other than you, that was important to me was a baby. I had always wanted a baby. If I couldn't have you, I had to try for the baby. It felt like my last chance. I needed to seize this opportunity. Now. With Greg. So I did."

Caroline sat remembering that day in the bar, with that damnable waiter passing back and forth every chance he could invent, obviously eavesdropping on their row, Caroline would happily have throttled him at the time. She thought she had begun now to understand why none of her attempts to relieve the tension between herself and Kate that evening had worked. Looking up she saw Kate watching her intently, trying to read Caroline to know if this was making sense to her. Caroline, her heart in her eyes said simply, "Kate, I'm so sorry."

Kate, not yet finished with her story, explained, "The coldness, not introducing you to Greg, ignoring you through dinner, letting you go back to your room alone, it was all part of that decision. I spent the night going over and over it all in my mind. I couldn't come to any other conclusion except that if I were going to have a baby, I would need to break off with you. I could barely take care of myself inside the 'rock 'em, sock 'em' world where you lived, let alone protect a baby there. That wasn't the life I wanted for my child. It had to be over between us. It seemed like it was over between us, things had run their course. That part was very hard because I still loved you so much, I just couldn't live in your world anymore if there was going to be a baby and I knew I had to try for that." Almost overcome now with emotion, Kate said very quietly, "Besides, I didn't think you would forgive me for going about it the way I felt I had to do that weekend."

Kate, watching Caroline through this explanation saw the truth of it hit home, saw her nod of understanding. "The next morning at the breakfast table when you withdrew the house from your quid pro quo for the baby I knew for certain what I had to do." Looking down now, "I know the things I said to you were hurtful. If I hadn't been so upset and disappointed in you I don't know if I could have said them."

Kate paused, remembering the words she had said to Caroline. Then looking into the pained blue eyes which were also remembering, she continued softly, "I knew that what you felt for me was real. What we had between us was... so powerful... so special; I couldn't help but know that. I knew that you loved me, even if you never said the words, I knew that if I left any place for doubt about us in your mind that you would never let me go, that you would keep pursuing me and I didn't think I could resist you if you really tried. I knew that what I intended to do with Greg would devastate you but it seemed like my last best chance and I had to take it. It seemed to me that if I let this chance at conceiving a baby pass, there might not be another chance. If I let this weekend go by without trying for a baby, I would never have a child. Never be somebody's Mum. I know that isn't rational, possibly not even true. But it felt like the truest thing I ever knew. Can you understand this at all?"

Caroline was leaning forward now, elbows on knees, intent, listening to Kate's description of these events that had loomed so large in her thoughts for all these months. Some of it, her own contributions she had come to realize on her own during those endless months of ruminations but Kate's pain and how it had hurt her to do what she had come to feel she must do were borne in on Caroline now. For her own callousness and self centered behavior to have pushed this naturally kind, serene and self possessed woman to these lengths was unforgivable. Caroline saw so clearly now how it had all seemed from Kate's point of view. Caroline had been pulling her in with one hand and pushing her away with the other, never really letting her in at all.

Her voice filled with remorse, Caroline began speaking slowly, earnestly, "Kate, I am so sorry. Believe it or not, I have come to realize some of this in the time we've been apart." Looking down for a moment before she could go on, Caroline knew that she couldn't be any less forthright than Kate had been if she really wanted Kate back in her life. Afraid to be this open but more afraid of losing Kate again, Caroline looked directly into Kate's honest brown eyes and began determinedly, "I tried to apologize that time but my apology was as inept as everything else I did. There are things I should have said to you that day. I was so scared. I wanted you so much but I was so terrified of rejection that I couldn't bring myself to tell you how much I wanted you." Softly, "How much I love you, how much I need you." Gaining resolve, "I'm sorry for that and even more sorry for bringing you to the point that you felt there was no hope for us, that you had to dump me to have a life again."

Kate, her own face working now for control, "That day, the day you came here… I didn't believe that if I told you this you could ever really get over the fact that I had gone to bed with Greg. I mean I knew that you knew it; I just didn't think you were being honest with yourself, Caroline. By then I really did have a baby to consider. I couldn't risk starting up with you again only to go back to the way things were, so uncertain and unsettled." Then ire rising, "I had just left your house where everything seemed exactly the same."

Seeing Caroline's nod as she considered her side of that day, Kate said regretfully, "No matter how much I wanted to take you into my arms and erase the pain from your face, I knew I didn't dare let myself. I knew it was no use, it would just all have to be done over again, sooner or later." Her face showing what it had cost her, Kate said in a barely audible voice, "So I watched you walk out my door and down the path like you had just lost your best friend. And I knew you had. So had I."

Caroline, remembering that day and her feelings as she left, wore the same bereft expression she'd worn sitting in the fateful chair in front of the window. Kate seeing this now moved to kneel beside Caroline. She put her face near Caroline's, smoothed back the hair from her face with the backs of her fingers. With a forefinger she traced the downturn of Caroline's lips. Encouraged by being allowed these liberties, she said, "Caroline, I'm so sorry. It just seemed like the only way at the time."

Caroline gently put her arms around Kate pulling her in for a tender hug. For a long moment they just held each other, considering what had happened between them so many months ago that still felt like yesterday. Kate relieved to have gotten this much out, Caroline beginning to assimilate these revelations. Each of them was reveling in the nearness of the other at this moment.

The yawn that Kate could not stifle brought Caroline to herself. Pulling back and putting her forehead on Kate's she smiled gently and said, "Time for bed my love. That is enough for tonight." Placing her lips softly and briefly on Kate's, "All right?"

At Kate's smiling nod, they went around hand in hand turning off lights and checking locks before heading up the stairs.