SCENE 11: THE ROBBERY
In Which Marius and Eponine Talk Hair, Valjean Temporarily gets a Girlfriend, and Mass Chaos Breaks Out
MADAME THENARDIAR:
THESE BLOODY STUDENTS ON OUR STREET
HERE THEY COME SLUMMING ONCE AGAIN
OUR EPONINE WOULD KISS THEIR FEET
SHE NEVER HAD A SCRAP OF BRAIN-
EPONINE:
I'm not deaf, mom.
MADAME THENARDIAR:
...oh.
MARIUS:
'Sup, Eponine!
EPONINE:
Omigosh MARIUS!!
MARIUS:
Do you come here often?
EPONINE:
...um, I'm here, like, everyday.
MARIUS:
Oh, I hadn't noticed!
EPONINE:
I LIKE THE WAY YOU GROW YOUR HAIR
MARIUS:
I LIKE THE WAY YOU ALWAYS TEASE
EPONINE:
Tease what?
MARIUS:
Your hair.
EPONINE:
Oh but yours is so much better!
MARIUS:
You're just being nice...
EPONINE:
No, seriously, I've been trying to get my hair to lay like that for ages. What's your secret?
MARIUS:
Well, see, first I wash it-
EPONINE:
Ahhh.....
MARIUS:
And then I deep condition-
VALJEAN and OTHER TEENAGE GIRL:
(enter)
AUDIENCE:
Who is that random girl with Valjean (who BTW has all this baby powder in his hair and weird lines on his face)?
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:
That's his girlfriend, duh.
MADAME THENARDIAR:
Look! A dude we can rob!
EPONINE:
OMG, Marius, get out of here!
MARIUS:
Wha-
EPONINE:
(shoves Marius)
MARIUS:
(falls into Other Teenage Girl)
VALJEAN:
(not caring about Other Teenage Girl)
MARIUS:
(is lovestruck)
Youreallypretty!!
OTHER TEENAGE GIRL:
*giggle*
EPONINE:
That was rather stupid of me.
MARIUS:
(exits, probably to go write about meeting Other Teenage Girl in his diary)
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:
Marius is hitting on Valjean's girlfriend! Scandalous!
MASTER THENARDIAR:
(to Valjean)
Let us trick you into thinking that this blanket is really a starving child so that you give us money!
VALJEAN:
Ok!
MASTER THENARDIAR:
Wait a minute, you're that guy who borrowed... COSETTE!
(points menacingly at Other Teenage Girl who is apparently Cosette)
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:
Alrighty then, I was wrong...
THENARDIAR'S GANG MEMBER 1#:
(puts Cosette in headlock, who then screams)
VALJEAN:
I have no idea what you are talking about.
EPONINE:
Um, guys-
MASTER THENARDIAR:
You're a convict, too!
VALJEAN:
How did you figure that out- I mean, no I'm not, you confused man!
EPONINE:
Guys, really-
MASTER THENARDIAR:
What, insufferable fool?
EPONINE:
IT'S JAVERRRRRRRRRRRT!*
MASS CHAOS:
(ensues)
THENARDIAR'S GANG MEMBER 1#:
(lets go of Cosette)
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
COSETTE:
(runs over to Valjean)
BEGGAR 1#:
IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!!
JAVERT:
Um-
BEGGAR 2#:
I STILL HAVEN'T RETURNED THE CD HE LENT ME!!
MASTER THENARDIAR:
MAYBE IF I HIDE UNDER THIS BLANKET HE WON'T NOICE ME!!
JAVERT:
Guys-
MEG:
IT'S THE PHANTOM!!
VALJEAN:
WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT CRAZED POLICEMAN WOULD END UP UNKNOWLNLY FOLLOWING ME HERE? I MEAN, SERIOUSLY! DOES FATE HATE ME?
COSETTE:
What, Papa?
VALJEAN:
Um, nothing...
BEGGAR 3#:
WHY ARE WE ALL RUNNING AROUND IN CIRCLES?
JAVERT:
Hey-
BEGGAR 4#:
WHO IS JAVERT?
BEGGAR 5#:
IDK BUT HE SOUNDS SCARY!!
JAVERT:
SILENCE!!!!!!
EVERYONE:
(stops freaking out)
BEGGAR 5#:
Oh, nevermind, it's just a guy in a red coat and a funny hat.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:
Hey, Javert has weird lines on his face, too!
VALJEAN:
(pulls out random newspaper in order to cover his face and not look anything like 24601)
JAVERT:
(to Valjean)
Sir, I won't let this fool bother you.
VALJEAN:
(quickly)
Uh yea ok thanks
JAVERT:
(turns to Thenardiar, aka Lump of Blanket)
VALJEAN:
(very high pitched)
RUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!!!
(escapes, dragging confused Cosette behind him)
JAVERT:
Thenardiar, you are a jerk.
MASTER THENARDIAR:
(from under the blanket)
Thenardiar's not here.
JAVERT:
(turning back to where Valjean used to be)
Don't worry, I'll see him dealt w- OMG! WHERE DID THE GENTLEMAN GO?!?!?!?!?!?
MASTER THENARDIAR:
(popping up from under the blanket)
I think you mean CONVICT!
JAVERT:
Say what?
MASTER THENARDIAR:
Yup. His Prisoner Number was written right in his neck. In Sharpie.
JAVERT:
COULD IT BE HE'S SOME OLD JAILBIRD
THAT THE TIDE NOW WASHES IN
HEARD MY NAME AND STARTED RUNNING
HAD THE BRAND UPON HIS SKIN
AND THAT GIRL WHO STOOD BESIDE HIM
WHEN I TURNED THEY BOTH HAD GONE
COULD IT BE THE MAN I'VE HUNTED
COULD IT BE HE'S JEAN VALJEAN??
MASTER THENARDIAR:
So, um, I'm just gonna go now...
JAVERT:
I will find that old man! And I will throw him back into jail! There is no escaping me, JAVERRRRRRRRRRRT!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
BEGGARS:
...
JAVERT:
What are you all still doing here?
SCATTER!
EVERYONE:
(runs screaming)
~~~~~~~
*It looks like other people see the fun in saying his name as well.