A/N: I had to make sure I had thoroughly depressed myself before I could write this out. There would have been no way to write it so dramatically otherwise. I have had to do the same during the last couple one shots/chapters. But once I got myself in the right mood, everything else just fell into place. Then I just so happened to accidentally delete the last draft and had to redo it all again.
Denego is latin for "to refuse, deny or reject."
Denego
It was almost like it was happening to someone else. As she walked away from his rooms, she felt an odd sort of detachment. It was almost like she was not involved at all. As if she were merely an observer from the outside looking in. There was the absence feeling as she slowly, very slowly made her way down the long hallway and into the wing where the women were staying. It was stark denial is what it was. A refusal to believe that this was actually happening. She felt hollow and lifeless, like a shell with no substance and no essence to give her meaning. Her ladies in waiting were there to help her but she shakes her head weakly. They each give her looks of worry and dismay before they rush out to leave her to herself. When her doors are carefully shut behind them, she turns around to stare at it. She knows that now, she is completely alone and she cannot remain in her rooms right now.
A walk. Yes, a walk sounded very good. A walk and some of the fresh night sea air. That sounded very good, because to stay in her rooms after severing her relationship with Noctis was unbearable to think about. To spend another night weeping in agony while crumpled on the floor just would not do. She would rather go drown herself in the ocean. So, a walk it was. A walk along the waves and the sand between her toes. That would be a much better scenario. She would cry anyway, but it was far better than in her rooms. Her rooms that would only be filled with the sounds of her weeping. She needed to be around something louder, something that would drown the sounds of her cries.
So she is thankful that it had been a late ending dinner and that everyone was already asleep or close to being so and most of the estate was dark. It meant that she did not have to wait long before she began to sneak out. Silently she crept her way outside and into the night. There were no lights on beyond the patio area. The only light beyond that was provided by the crescent moon and stars. She knew it was still a little too dark so nobody would see her as she walked along the shores. For she did not want company. She did not feel like explaining and she did not feel like talking. What was she to say? Only to have them look at her with pity? No, she was not going to tolerate pity. Not right now.
Breathe, just breathe, she kept telling herself as she continued walking.
After he had left her so suddenly back on the ship she had remained there, staring at the space that he had just occupied. Had things changed so much that he could no longer kiss her without feeling uncomfortable? She had a prickle in her pride at the thought that he found kissing her so distasteful now that he had to leave her. Had he not felt how wonderful it had been? Had it just been one sided on her part that she felt that it had been? What was wrong with him? Or maybe, he just had not felt it. He must have. How could he have not felt it?
So it was with confused thoughts that she slowly made her way back to the interior where everyone was still dancing. Des had tried to engage her in a dance and she could only shake her head and walk back to their table. Sapien had been the one to approach her. She had not even noticed him at first as he sat in the empty seat beside her. He waited for a few long moments before he spoke.
"Stella, are you okay?" he asked and she could hear the concern in his voice.
" I… I really do not know," she answered.
"Did Noct talk to you?"
"He would have had to speak for it to be considered talking," she answered and she could not help the resentment that leaked into her tone.
"What did he do?"
She shook her head. "If anyone is to hit him, it should be me," she said turning to him and trying to smirk. She failed, miserably.
He gave her a weak smile back anyway. "I don't even know what to say, but he's being an idiot."
"He does not love me," she stated and she felt her heart pinch at the confession.
"He loves you too much," Sapien replied. He says it so firmly that she looked at him again. "I think that might be what is bothering him."
"He has never said that he loved me," she tried to counter.
"He wouldn't be Noct if he told you so easily," was the reply and he smirked at her over his glasses.
She supposed that was true. "What should I do, Sapien? I have tried and he just... I am so confused."
"I think you need to try to talk to him again."
"He would not speak to me just now. What makes you think he will when I try again?" she asked, not seeing how that would be helpful.
"Did he teleport away from you?"
"Um, yes," she answered. Yes, he had. He had bolted away from her as if in terror. She watched as a knowing smirk appeared on Sapien's face.
"Then you pushed him. You've sent him for a loop. You need to keep that momentum before you lose it. Then he'll snap and we'll finally get some answers."
"You think that is a good idea?"
"He's not going to tell me," he shrugged. "I've tried all that already but I can't push him like you can."
Her eyes did not look convinced, but they did look hopeful.
"I am sure he's in his room sulking right now. You'll be able to catch him."
While she cannot say that it was the best idea, she knew that it had been important. She had to at least try. Something had to give. This jumping around each other had to stop. She had finally been forced to just given him an ultimatum and he had still let her go. He had not even said anything. His eyes flickering when she had been speaking were the only indications that he was paying attention to her words. He had been that other Noctis again. She had even given him ample time to react. Time to tell her that he loved her and that he did have reasons for acting like such a jerk. Instead there was just silence. Even when she kissed him, she had felt a stiffness in him that had not been there before. It felt like he had merely been indulging her last request. Did that make her pathetic? That she had felt the kiss tingle down to her toes and he had been stoic in response? The thought just made her feel so wretched. There was nothing to say when one could feel such a thing from a kiss. She had almost lost her composure in front of him and she knew how disastrous that might have been. He would have left her there to escape the storm of feminine emotion. No matter that it was his room in the first place.
Her eyes stung now, very much.
This was not the end of the world. This sort of thing happened every day. It happened to all girls eventually. Hers was not the first heart to be broken. It would certainly not be the last. People can recover from this, yes people do recover from things like this. They recover and can even love again. Yes, she would love just as intensely again and with someone who would return her affections. Maybe someone who loved her more than she loved him. Yes, that would be something to look forward to. Especially now when she felt like she was dying from all this pain. This hurt that threatened to break her. No, there is hope. One day she will forget him and she will learn to love again.
How she wishes that were true. How she wishes she can remain hopeful that one day this horrible ache and emptiness would be gone. It takes everything within her not to sink to her knees on the sand and sob. Sob out her broken heart, but then maybe she could get a new one. A new heart with new hope sounded so good right now. She can almost be relieved at that. Then she makes her mistake. She turns her head back to the estate and her eyes immediately glimpse the windows of his rooms. She is a good distance away now but she can still make out which room was his and can picture his nonchalant form going to bed right now and she does fall then. Her legs no longer support her as she sits sprawled along the sand. She does not even care that her dress is ruined from all the dirt.
The sobs come as she knew they would. No matter how hard she tried to keep them at bay. Biting her lip, no matter how hard, did not keep them in her eyes. The pressure was just too much and they spilled out anyway. Once they started she could not stop them. They seemed as if they had no end. A few would escape and more would gather in her eyes to fall too.
She had really done it, hadn't she? She had told Noctis that after, after she left his rooms they would not be lovers anymore. No longer lovers on so deep a level. For it had not all been physical. It had been almost spiritual. She had told him she would no longer view him as anything more than a comrade from now on. A comrade? How was she to stand it? Sitting in the same rooms. Conducting the same conferences and meetings. The stately visits that were unavoidable. Could she see him each time and only see him as a comrade? Treat him no differently than Fulgur and Tonitrus? She could not even playfully tease him like she could with Des, Vires and Sapien. Not to mention when he would have to get married. He was a King and it was only logical that this subjects demand an heir to continue his dynasty. He would have to marry and he would have to produce a child. She would be required to attend each momentous event. Could she do that? Could she watch as he chose another to spend his life with? To experience the joys that can only come with the close intimacies of a mate that was not her. Could she do that? Could she just watch as it happened before her very eyes?
No, she could not.
Her hand clutches her chest because she can no longer breathe. The sobs have constricted her breathing and air does not seem to be enough. She chokes out gasps of air and she can no longer see through the tears in her eyes. She cannot do it. She will not do it. She would not be able to endure it. It would kill her to do it. It would stab her until her heart would refuse to beat any further. There was nothing. There was no hope. What was she going to do?
Then, she feels as a body instantly appears sprawled behind her and arms encase her and a voice whispers heatedly while spikey hair brushes against her forehead.
"This is not good bye. I will not let it be good bye. I shall never, ever say good bye."
The words are spoken fiercely and she cries out in her shock as she pushes against his chest so as to look up at his face.
"Noc...?" she starts to ask but cannot. She is too choked for words. For surely this is an illusion.
One arm pulls her against his chest and a hand catches her face and wipes her tears away so she can see. She cannot even believe what she sees when her eyes have cleared. He does not give her time before he's kissing her all over her face. His lips press urgently against her forehead, her nose, each of her cheeks, her tear filled eyes, her chin before he pulls her to him again in a fierce embrace.
"I am sorry. Please, please forgive me," he says as he rocks them both. "I did not want to do it. I did not want to make you feel rejected. Forgive me please, Bright Star." He kisses her forehead tightly as if to punctuate his pleas.
She cannot speak. Her words are stuck in her throat as she continues to sob. She can only make these desperate sounds as she sobs into the dress shirt that he had still not changed out of. The roar of the waves before them jumbles the rest of the words that are coming out of his mouth. At least, that is why she thinks she cannot make out the words that are coming from him. It is only until she looks up into his face that she realizes that his lips were not moving anymore. The jumble of words was coming through the connection that was there again. The connection that bound them and made them whole. She was whole again, completely so and it was such a joy to have it again. It overwhelms her a moment as she savors the fullness, but with her joy came her anger.
With two small fists she pounds on his chest, twice and glares angrily up at him. She does not expect the small almost bitter smile that appears on his lips and it almost makes her forget to be angry.
"Hit me. Strike me all you like. I deserve it," he grants. "The pain would be so much sweeter than the ache I have felt this whole long month without you."
She feels some of her anger deflate at his words. There is comfort in knowing that he had been just as miserable as she. Maybe even moreso than she and she wonders if such a thing were possible.
"Why did you do it?" she cries as she hit him again. "Was it a test?"
"No, no," he vows as he makes no attempt to block her blows. He merely pulls her into his arms again and buries his nose in her neck to inhale her scent. "It is me. I am being tested."
"By who?" she asks and after a show of struggle relaxes enough to enjoy how his breath tickles her neck. She feels his arms tighten in response before he answers in a whisper.
"Etro."
She can feel the shiver from the mention of the name. "What does the goddess have to do with us?"
His lifts his head and red eyes burn into hers. "Everything."
She squints at him until she understands. Until she remembers what he has told her about the events that transpired between him and the goddess when she had died and he had been gifted. She had been part of that gift or so they had both thought. As she looks at his grim face she sees why now. It is so twisted that there is no way that he could make it up. This was Noctis. He did not make such things up.
"She, she threatened you?" she asks and she can feel her anger rise.
"Separation from you or your life is taken back."
"What? Why would she give you such an ultimatum?"
He almost looks as confused as she does when he answers. "She is jealous."
"Wah... what? Jealous? Of us?"
He nods.
She tilts her head to look at him but her hands stay on his chest to keep in contact with him.
"She has wanted you all your life. She..." and the answer is so obvious and so preposterous that she cannot even believe she is about to say it. "She does not want anyone else to have you."
"Yes," he says.
"And she thinks you are already taken?"
"I am already taken," he says bringing his face closer to hers. "You have me already, Stella. All of me. Everything I am is yours because I love you. I love you, Stella and there will never be another I want as much as I want you."
The vehemence and intensity in his voice makes her own falter and she does not know what to say. She cannot even think, but she reacts. She reacts by tugging the hair on the back of his head to pull his lips to hers and kisses him with all the pent up longing and hurt that she has suffered. He reacts by scooting closer to her before bringing one hand up to press against the small of her back to lift her higher to his lips to deepen their kiss. His other hand buries itself within her hair as the kiss lasts and lasts. That is, until they hear a cleared throat and he is forced to separate his lips from hers. He does not withdraw far though and she can still feel his breathe upon her lips.
She wonders just how distracted and out of herself she had been that she had not noticed all the bodies that were standing a respectable distance away. She hides her face in Noctis' collar in her embarrassment at having an audience to their lovely interlude.
"No worries, Stell. We weren't looking the whole time," says Des.
Vires smacks him in the back of the head.
"We weren't. You were." corrects Sapien with a roll of his eyes.
"I couldn't hear everything over the waves!" protests Des, completely unrepentant about watching.
"He was being very foolish, was he not, Stella?" asked little Mira with a warm smile and Stella wondered why her rune was activated.
She cannot believe that she had not noticed the purple light. Then realizes that the purple light was coming from another source behind her too. She manages to turn half way in Noctis' arms to see Vitrum and his rune is on as well. They were all surrounded by purple light and she had not even noticed before now. She can feel the embarrassment at having been so thoroughly distracted in her grief and in the intensity of the moment with Noctis. Until she remembered that Noctis was not one for such open, unabashed displays of affection either and he had known of the audience they had, had.
As if to answer her, she hears, "This was all Noctis' doing," explains Vitrum as if embarrassed to be an audience to what they have seen and she is sure that he is blushing.
"What is going on?" she asks as she looks at Noctis.
"The whispers, Stella," he says.
"They are gone," she says confused.
"They were," he nods. "Etro blocked them from interfering, but they can break through her shield and speak to us."
"What did He say?"
"He is not happy to be blocked," he explains. "He has told me a way to go around Etro's detection."
Her eyes went to the purple flashes of Mira and Vitrum.
"When you left me earlier I... I thought I was...I could not…" he does not finish his thought and she knows it is because they are not alone. She runs a hand along his cheek to show him that she understands. "Then I heard the whispers again and I knew. He made me realize what I could do. So I teleported to them," he says looking to his brothers.
"Dragged us out of our beds," complains Des and Stella can feel her smile returning.
"Caught us just before we made it to ours," reassures Vitrum.
"I would have come anyway," confesses Mira with a kind smile.
"I told them why," says Noctis and he looks almost sheepish.
She has an irrational urge to kiss his cheeks. She thinks she would have if she had not realized what was going on. Why they were all there. Why he could come to her now when he could not before. Mira and Vitrum. Their combined powers formed a protective shield. They were the only two that could successfully create a dome of complete protection. But it was only possible when the both of them were together.
"Your shield not only protects, it can block Etro from seeing?" she asks amazed.
"He said it might work," answers Mira, looking at Noctis.
"Made sense considering you become invisible while inside the shield," explains Sapien.
"The whispers confirmed it," finishes Noctis.
That knowledge saddens her and she slouches her shoulders to lean her forehead against his shoulder.
"So that means, that whenever we wish to see each other we need both Vitrum and Mira to block Etro from seeing us."
She can feel his answering nod more than she can see. He runs a hand through her hair to tell her that it bothers him too.
"There is not much time," reminds Sapien. "There is only so long before Etro will look upon us and wonder where we all have gone."
"But us all gone together won't look as suspicious as just Noct and you," explains Des.
She raises her head to smile at Noctis. "You are a genius."
He does not smirk back. He looks guilty instead. "I should have thought of another way. I should have realized this sooner."
"Stop that," she admonishes. "You are a genius."
He manages a small smirk and it's enough of her Noctis that she smiles back.
"Everyone turn their heads please," he says. "Especially you, Des. I want a moment alone with Stella."
"Hey! That's no fun!"
"Turn around," growls Vires and she knows that he physically pushes his friend to do so as Noctis looks down at her again.
"Forgive me, Bright Star," he says again. "I never wanted to hurt you."
Her heart is so full now but she can still feel the sting of it being broken. "Promise me that I can beat you soundly when this is all over."
It's a full smirk in answer this time.
She savors it a moment before she lets herself be sad again. "How shall I deal with being away from you when I know now?" she asks as her eyes follow the lines of his face in longing. "How can I separate myself when I finally know that you love me?"
"It is my fault you were so unsure. I was being... slow."
She smiles and he grins back.
"The connection is open," he says as he lightly taps her forehead with his finger. "I shall never push you out again."
"I must go on pretending I am miserable," she sighs. "That shall not be hard."
He smiles because he knows what she means. "If Etro should ever probe your mind, you will feel her presence," he explains. "You will know. You remember how to block your mind?"
She nods. "But what about them?" she asks.
"She will not bother," he says with a shake. "They know not to let on that they know so there is no reason for her to. Besides, their nagging does not stop with anything I tell them."
She reflects his knowing look.
"I love you, Bright Star," he says as he kisses her. "Never ever doubt that again."
"Never. I shall never doubt again," she says before she pulls him down for another thorough kiss. It is only that they must, that they stop and she is breathless as she looks at him. "I love you too, my Dark King."
He smiles at her as he leans to press their foreheads together again. Their breathes mingle for a short moment as they revel in their reunion and these last moments together. She can see the strain and want on his face and knows that he does not want to go, but he must. They do not have time. Yet there is something that they must do before he does. She is sure of this even before she sees his red eyes reach down and linger on her scar. The guilt seems to have grown tenfold during their separation as she watches him stare down at it. She can see the question in his eyes when they look back up at hers and she nods, giving him permission. His lips thin in apprehension before he bends down to softly press his lips against her scarred flesh. She shows her acceptance by running her hands through his impossible hair.
The effect is immediate. She can feel her whole being sigh in relief. When he lifts his eyes to stare into hers again she knows that he can feel it too. She can feel the tension within him lessen as he lets out a sigh. They were back to stepping forward once again and they both began to feel the peace of it. The feel of an uncertain but brighter future.
"Forgive me for leaving you now," he apologizes as he drags his face up to look at hers.
She nods in understanding. "Go," she tells him.
When she blinks again, they are all gone with the essence of crystal and she's still sitting prone on the beach. Her hand reaches up to her face and sees that she has started to cry all over again. Only this time she is not crying from the pain of a broken heart, but one full and vengeful. She focuses on taking a few cleansing breathes before her mind turns to the matters at hand.
How dare the goddess do this?
As she continues to sit there and watch the surf, she feels so lightheaded. Etro was jealous of her. A goddess was jealous of her because she had something that the goddess could never have. She had Noctis. She had Noctis in so complete a sense that she saw fit to threaten him with the only thing she had within her power. Only because she could not stop him any other way. Using the very thing that held her jealousy to give him both utter misery and loneliness in return. She felt so empowered and so indignant at this knowledge. This was not the way it should be. Etro had no right to intervene in their lives like this. You could not take back a gift once it had been given. Even gods were bound by rules. This was breaking them.
Most importantly, he loved her. Noctis loved her. Though she had known this, for she had felt it whenever she was close to him, it made all the difference that he had said it. That he had declared those words aloud made such a profound difference to just knowing. Just knowing left room for doubts. Declaring it made it all so clear, with no room for doubts. She could not doubt him now and she would not doubt him again. Not in this. She could allow herself to doubt everything else, but not him and not whether he did love because he did. That thought was reassuring as it was final.
Suddenly, she is immediately seized with an almost unnatural chill through her body. The refreshing sea breeze and the sound of the waves all began to seem muted. The very air seemed dead and the life seemed choked out of everything around her. She finds that she has felt this presence before and had never put two and two together. Until now.
Etro.
Her mind registers this change and quickly, she makes herself think back to the tragic encounter from earlier. Her mind supplies the image of that other Noctis as he stood silently before her as she all but begs him to say something to take her back. Demanding an explanation from him and yet he had remained ever stoic and unreadable. She makes herself feel that despair again because she must and its still so fresh in her mind that it is not hard for her to react in the same way. She focuses on that pain as her wet eyes continued to stare blanking at the water.
When the presence is gone, she feels the life around her immediately flare back to their full glory and she can breathe again. She breathes in and out quickly as she wonders if this was what Noctis felt all the time. What exactly had he been enduring all this time? She had felt a glimpse of that before, last night. So it had been Etro who had stolen into her chambers to take Noctis' jacket. She had also felt it immensely that day she realized her father was the head of the Mysterium. That arm. Etro's severed arm on an altar with her father and men circled around it. It had been disgusting and vile. That had been such an awful day and she had been to preoccupied at the time to place the feeling for what it was. It had been Etro's presence she had felt all along. To think that Noctis had to face this darkness all his life, this death and even moreso these past few weeks. She could not even imagine it.
Her brave, beautiful Noctis had endured so much and he had to endure yet more and more. She felt the broken, yet renewed heart of hers break all over again for him. Her temporary fear for Etro was replaced with a fierce protectiveness of the man she loved. That he had done all this on purpose to keep her safe. She had known that there must have been a very good reason for him to change so drastically. It had literally been overnight and she thinks back and knows that it must have been after that night in Nihilsomno, before they flown out to Fulgur's home of Ventosus. After that wonderful night together. She wonders what he must have been thinking that night that had been so poignant that Etro had found it necessary to finally try and pull them apart.
How alone he must have felt. She knows that he has always felt alone but that he had always found solace within the company of his brothers and she sees now that he had, had to distance himself from them as well. How that must have hurt him. That he could not tell them as he could not tell her for fear that Etro would find out and take her away. How helpless he must have felt. There had been no option and it stunned her that the whispers had been cut off from him too. She had thought that he had been responsible for that, but it had not been him at all. He had not even had the comfort of His whispers either to guide him through all this. He had been cut off and isolated completely.
She knows she had not helped and she feel so much guilt for putting him through that. For she had not made it easy for him. She had tried everything she could to try and get him to open up and tell her. All that time, all those chances and the things that he had said all made sense. That he did not want to be friends. How she misread him! It was just as Des had said, that of course he had not wanted to be friends. He wanted to be more than just friends. His carefully worded statements had been clues in and of themselves and she had been too consumed with his rejection to notice them. He had been giving her clues all this time. Even the jacket had been a clue! She had not entirely misread that one but she had taken it the wrong way. It had fueled her to tempt him more.
Then she feels the shame. She recalls those words she said to him earlier, back on the stern of the ship.
It does not even seem to matter to you that you are killing me all over again.
No wonder he had snapped. That had been the breaking point to the tension she had felt mounting the whole month and especially this past week. How those words must have stung him! She feels her heart call out to him to cry for his forgiveness at her careless words. She had not even stopped there. There was the good bye. The good bye that had sent him over the edge and broken through. It had hurt him more than it had hurt her and of course it would. Noctis who felt things so much more intensely than anyone else. Of course his pain was more magnified than hers. Yet she cannot feel entirely sorry for that because it did break through to him. It had shaken him enough to realize what he could do. Yet, that did not take away her shame.
Getting up to stand, she knows she needs to make it back to her rooms to sleep. How was she ever going to sleep tonight from her excitement? She wanted to relive and cherish every little snippet of what had just occurred between herself and Noctis just now. She could feel herself glowing from the effect of it. A new day could not come fast enough. It would not be hard to look upon him with such misery and longing that it could be mistaken for heartbreak. This was all a test, she knows. A test to their integrity and their loyalty to each other. This was a fight. A fight as no other. They were going to wage war against a goddess and there was only a very slim chance that they would both get out of it unscathed. It had to be soon. She knows that they would not be able to keep the facade of forlorn lovers for too long. They would eventually slip and be exposed and they would have to prepare themselves. She just had to trust Noctis to think of something before they were revealed and they would display their utter rejection to the terms that Etro had forced upon them.
Living without Noctis was unacceptable and she would rather die a lonely and harsh death before having to live a life apart from him. There was just no way. It does not matter that he will not like that. That he would refuse to put her in such danger but it was not just about what he wanted. She wanted him and he wanted her and there was nothing that she would not risk to be with him. Whether that be at death or during life, it was with him. There was just no other way that it was meant to be.
End Notes: There is hope on the horizon. Right now, they only have a temporary solution and it will be a difficult road ahead. I hope you enjoyed!
Also a reminder that I do update my profile on a regular basis.. sometimes twice a day. Any requests would also be taken into consideration.