Chapter 11: Happiness

Suoh and Akira had been standing there for hours. But to Suoh, it had been centuries he spent standing in front of the operation door. Centuries he spent in an eternal solitude of life. And in that period of time, he realized how lonely he was without 'him'... It was Akira who broke the silence between them.

'Takamura-senpai.' Hesitantly he spoke up. 'Do you need anything to eat or drink perhaps?'

Suoh was voiceless. He remained motionless there with an empty glare of his golden-eyes.

'Takamura-senpai?' Akira called him for the second time. This time he did it in louder voice.

'Huh?' Suoh was startled, it seemed that he had been wandering around in an unlimited space and time. 'I - I'm sorry Akira..' He shook his head. 'Did you say anything to me?'

Instead of answering the question, Akira looked at him sorrowfully. He understood his dear friend was in a deep conflict, and unfortunately... unfortunately he just couldn't help him. 'No. I was asking you whether you need something to eat or drink. It seems that you haven't eaten anything yet.. Your pale face tells that.'

'I-' Paused. What a kindhearted friend Akira was. Compared to him... He even didn't show any attention to Akira.. He didn't even had a chance to ask how his feeling... 'No, thank you, Akira. I don't think I can eat or drink anything by this moment. How can I eat without thinking his condition right now.. I can't enjoy myself while he is struggling for his life in there. I just can't.' He lost his words. Tears in his eyes began to sting again.

Akira understood how Suoh's feeling right now. For he knew very well how precious Nokoru was for him. He loved Nokoru as well; he swore to protect him as Suoh did. But he also knew the one who love Nokoru more than him was Suoh. All he could do now was to support him. Akira smiled. 'Don't worry, he is going to be just alright.. After all, he is Nokoru-sama, isn't he?'

Suoh stared at the younger man. Once in his eyes Akira could feel a hope still flaming. 'Yes.. He is. He always wants to make us happy.'

'He will be back.. With us, and we will be together again... As usual.'

'He will.' Akira agreed.

The two men's conversation suddenly stopped as a man in a white overcoat came out from the operation room. He was the head doctor whom responsible of the operation to save Nokoru's life... Without waiting any longer, the two men rapidly approached him loading questions they couldn't wait to have the answers.

'Doctor! How is he?' Suoh grabbed the doctor's arm demanding a quick answer.

The doctor seemed to be quite confused to tell the news to the two men. But he knew he had to answer. Looking into the two men's eyes one after another, slowly he shook his head.

'WHAT? Don't tell me you could not save him! You're the best doctor in the hospital! Save him! No matter what!' Suoh was terribly angry. He used to be a calm person, but it was different. It took Akira to hold him so that he wouldn't attack the doctor and made the situation worse.

'I'm sorry! We have tried everything we can, and we have tried our best. But-'

'But WHAT?' Suoh shouted angrily.

'Takamura-san! Calm down, please!'

Both Akira and Suoh were startled. They didn't realize Owaru had been standing behind them, and listening to them. Immediately, Suoh stepped backward allowing Owaru to move closer to the doctor.

'I apologize for what my brother's friends had done.' He bowed to the doctor. Both Akira and Suoh did the same as Owaru.

The doctor was obviously nervous to respond the action. He awkwardly returned their bow. 'No, I understand. I'm sorry. We have done everything we can, it just -' He stopped and looked back to the room. 'Now it depends on Nokoru-sama, whether he'll survive or not.' Paused. 'He slept into a comma, and I have to be honest to you all, his chance is... slim..'

Suoh gasped. He didn't believe what he just heard.

'I understand. Thank you for you effort... We appreciate it very much. Can we go and see him now?' Owaru replied.

'Oh. O-Of course. You're most welcome.' The doctor made a way for the three men to enter the room.

As the three men entered the room, they were shocked with the scene laid in front of them. There on the white bed in the middle of the room, they could see Nokoru's body. If they didn't know what had happened to him, they would think he was just sleeping. Even in his worst condition, he still looked like as a sleeping angel. To their horror, they could see a lot of blood spread on the bed sheet in the nurses' hands. IVs attached to Nokoru's arm. It was Owaru who took the first step to get closer to the place Nokoru slept. He pulled a chair beside the bed and seated himself. Carefully, he took his brother's hand and hold it firmly with his both hands. He kissed it gently, and closed his eyes whispering the prayers he had not finished since... since the day he saw Nokoru was born into this wicked world... He prayed that there would never be anything that could separate them... Not even the death itself...

Suoh and Akira observed him from afar.. They knew it would be impolite to interfere Owaru, even though deep in his heart, Suoh wanted so much to do exactly the same as him.

A nurse came by trying to make the men out of the room. 'We are sorry, Sir, but we don't think you could stay here any much longer...' She spoke softly. 'Anyway, there's nothing you can do here.. It would be better for you to rest.'

Owaru merely shook his head. 'I would like to stay here.'

The nurse was about to disagree to Owaru's reply, when the doctor stopped her to go further. 'It'll be fine.' As the doctor slowly took her out of the room, leaving the three men inside.

'Ijyuin, you don't return to your house to take a rest?' Suoh asked his younger friend.

'I- I think I'd better stay with you and Owaru-sama in case something happened.'

'Don't worry about Nokoru... I will stay with him.. all of you may go home.' Owaru raised his voice.

'Owaru-sama..' Suoh wasn't sure what he would say to lighten Owaru's burden right at the moment, for he felt the same sadness.

'Don't worry about him. He'll survive.. Imonoyamas never give up on our life. Never.'

/How come it is so dark here.. Where am I?/

He kept walking without knowing where the path he was walking on would end.

/Why I am here?/

/Anybody hear me?/

But there was no answer. It was a total silence.

/Help me. Help me. please.. Let me get out of here. please./

H sighted a soft light at the end of the path. There was no other way except to follow it. Little by little, he stepped into it. Unsure of what he was going to face.

'Hit the ball, Nokoru-kun. Come! You can do it!'

A golden-hared boy with a pair of sapphire eyes was concentrating to hit the ball. He was about four years old, and faraway from him his teacher and friends were cheering him up. He was waiting for the pitcher to throw the ball to him. He was the batter that time, the last batter who would determine his team winning. Ah. Yes. The boy was himself... It was his first baseball match. He knew he was not an athletic person, but his classmates required him to be one of the baseball players. He was about to refuse the offer, if not his beautiful teacher persuaded him to join in the team. He still remembered his teacher's name, Ms. Sakuya. She was so cheerful; a talented teacher; never a day he saw her without her smiling. She loved children, and the children loved her as well.

'What do you want to be when you've grown up, Nokoru-kun?' Once she asked the question.

'I- I don't know yet. There are so many occupations I love, and I haven't decided what I'm going to be.' He answered.

Ms. Sakuya was sweat dropped. She never heard a four-years-old boy could give her such an intelligent answer. 'Well.. you could be anything you wish.' She smiled. 'But whatever you choose in the future, you have to be yourself. In that way, you will be proud of yourself, and you will make everybody proud of you.' That was the only answer Ms. Sakuya gave him.

A word he would never forget till this moment. To be proud of himself. No matter who he was... He loved Ms. Sakuya. he would do anything to make her happy... to make her proud of him. That of course, why he wanted so much to win the game.

/I have to hit the ball. If I can do it, my team will be the winner./

And so the ball was thrown, he swung his bat and hit the ball right on its center. It was a home run! He had never believed he did it, but there was definitely not time to think about that. Now he had to run, run as fast as he could, and passed the bases.

Base one.

Base two.

Base three.

He was almost there.

Base four!

Yes! He threw his body and landed right on the base pad. He couldn't feel the pain on his body as he slide on the ground. All he could feel was the excitement in the air, as everyone was cheering for victory. Yes. for the first time in his life he could feel it.. He could feel he was appreciated for his effort, not for his charm.. Or his wealth. Ms. Sakuya was running to him that time. into the middle of the field.. She was very happy, and all she wanted to do that moment was to give a big hug to her Nokoru... When they reached each other, Nokoru could feel Ms. Sakuya's soft body against his. He couldn't support her as she weighed much more than he did that they ended on the ground with Ms. Sakuya's body on his top. Nokoru smiled. Never before he felt so happy, he was laughing until his tears coming out from his blue eyes. And he knew he had made his teacher proud of him. But having Ms. Sakuya's body on his top was a totally different situation. He tried to loosen her embrace, and put himself back onto his feet again. But Ms. Sakuya didn't make a respond; she didn't move at all. Sensing something had gone wrong, he asked her: 'Ms. Sakuya. Are you alright?'

There was no answer.

Nokoru tried to move her, but she was too heavy for him. Instead he touched something wet and sticky streaming behind Ms. Sakuya's back. It was blood. Nokoru screamed...

He looked to his past scene with wet eyes... He saw little Nokoru was taken by force by his guardians from Ms. Sakuya, and escorted to someplace safe. Little Nokoru was crying... fighting... trying to free himself, and return to his teacher's place.. But it was useless... He knew what happened afterwards... Ms. Sakuya was dead... She was shot. Of course the bullet was not aimed at her, it was supposed to land on his body, but Ms. Sakuya could see the flash in seconds , that she tried to cover his body with hers. The bullet hit her backbone and caused a sudden death. She was gone, without saying anything to him.. There was no last word from her.

/Be proud of yourself./

He didn't come to her funeral like the other students had. He was forbidden by that time, considering the next attack that could happen afterwards. Since then, he hated sports. He never joined any competition anymore, hiding behind the reason he had some kind of disease that not allowing him to do any sport. He never participated in an open competition, for he realized since then, that being in an open-field he would make himself an easy target, and other people could have been killed because of him. And the entire scene broke into million of pieces... And he was back to the light once again.. It was so shinny that he hardly could open his eyes..

'Nokoru-san.. Are you there?'

He heard a familiar voice calling his name..

/It's impossible! I know that voice! It was... it was.../

He turned around to see who called him... There was someone standing looking at him. Slowly he moved towards 'him' to get a better sight. He was tall, but his face was covered by shadow... He moved closer... Now he could see a pair of wings on his back.. /Is he an angel?/ Now it was only a few steps away from 'him'... He raised his hand to touch 'him'... When he could have a clear sight of it, he gasped...

'Douku-san!'

Rapidly, he rushed into him, hugging the tall man and sobbed. How he missed his brother so much.. How he wanted to say things he couldn't say when he was alive. Nokoru didn't want to let go his hands. He was calling Douku's name over and over again.

'Douku-san.. Is this you? Tell me that I'm not dreaming.. If it is a dream, I don't want to wake up anymore.. I want to sleep forever..'

Owaru wake up from his sleep suddenly. The beeping sound of the machine that indicated Nokoru's heartbeat somehow was different. It was getting louder and more intense, and it went faster and faster. He put Nokoru's hand on the bed, and stood hurriedly to check the machine. Something had gone wrong. He didn't understand what had happened, or what had caused the sound.. He never studied medical before.. He just knew something was not right. The graphic on the screen was waving faster. and not paternally. He searched for the emergency button to call the operating nurse to come and check. As he did it, the machine didn't beep as usual anymore.. Instead it produced a long streaking sound. Spontaneously, he glared at the screen.. Damn! It was not waving anymore! It was a straight line! What could possibly wrong this time! There was no heartbeat of Nokoru? Owaru was panic. He didn't know what to do. He wanted so much to hit and bang the machine. Who knew it would change back to normal. But that was stupid.

Doctors and nurses entered the room. They quickly surrounded Nokoru's bed, and started to put out their medical equipments. One of the nurses turned around to approach Douku.

'I am sorry, Sir.. But you have to leave the room immediately, and wait outside. The doctors have to concentrate on their work.. Please understand..'

Douku nodded in agreement as he stepped outside leaving the doctors and nurses who were busy trying their best to bring back Nokoru's heartbeat.

/Is it time already?/ Somehow he didn't want to know the answer. /Is he gone?/

His hand was trembling when he pressed Takamura and Ijyuin numbers on his hand phone. They should know considering they were the ones who had been loyal to Nokoru after all these times. But then again.. What should he tell them? He leant his body against the wall, and slowly sat himself on the floor. His heart ached so much that he hugged his knees to prevent the ache grew stronger. Once in his life, he had never been so afraid.. Wished he was the one on the bed.. Wished he was the one who was dying.. Might be it wouldn't be so painful..

'Douku-san, I miss you so much..' Sobbing. He dipped his face in Douku's chest, while the winged tall man just stood there with his arms around him.

Douke stroke his fingers through the golden hair. He was smiling, recalling in the past how much he loved to do it. The beautiful golden hair.. The soft blurry sapphire eyes... 'I miss you so much too..' He whispered. 'Nokoru-san..'

Nokoru stepped back a little to have a better sight of Douku's face. Yes.. He was still the same.. He was Douku, his Douku.. He was still the same as last time he saw him.. Gorgeous, full of pride and confidence.. Before. before it was started or... ended.

'Douku-san.. Why you are here?' Nokoru asked.

He smiled. 'I'm the one who should ask the question. Why you're here?'

Nokoru gasped. He tried to remember why he was here on the first place. But it was so hard.. The first time he found out he was here, he didn't even remember who he was... 'I-I don't know.. But you are here.. Is that mean I'm d-dead already?'

Douku shook his head. He knew it would be hard to explain it to Nokoru. He still got chance if he wanted to go back to the world down there, and got his life back - but only if it was his wish. He couldn't force Nokoru to return there. It had to be his own choice.

'I'm dead, am I?' Nokoru asked again. Slowly he recalled the event. How Hajime had stabbed him, the warmth of Suoh's embrace, the gentle swept of Hajime's green hair on his face, the panic in Owaru's eyes, and the sound of his fan dropped... Then he forgot.

'No.. Not real dead yet.. But you could be if you don't go back immediately.' He answered.

Nokoru looked at Douku's eyes and thought about his words. He turned around to see the darkness behind him. If he went back there, he would meet his friends again.. He will meet Suoh, Akira, Owaru, his brothers and sisters.. Hajime... 'I - I don't think I want to go back..' He said, and turned back again to face Douku.

'Why?'

Nokoru didn't want to tell the reason. He looked downward, didn't dare to return Douku's glare.

'Is it because Hajime?'

He gasped. He nearly believed the dead could read people's mind. Merely he shook his head. 'No. no.. it wasn't because of her.. It was my fault..' He looked at Douku with sorrowful eyes. 'I killed you.. I deserved it.. Let me stay with you.. Let me make it up to you...'

'Silly..' He moved his hand and put it on Nokoru's shoulder. 'It wasn't you who killed me.. And it was not your fault... It was mine after all... I put you in danger..'

'No... if it was because of me, you wouldn't go there, and... and...' He paused. His tears were streaming hard on his cheek. He threw himself on his feet and dipped his face in his hands. sobbing endlessly..

Douku couldn't stand it. he kneeled before him, and kissed his hair. He understood how desperate his brother was.. but he couldn't give him the support he needed. For the one whom he lost was actually not him.. Nokoru lost himself.

'Listen. We all love you. I love you, and I believe Hajime loves you too. She just happened to make mistake. Will you forgive her then?'

'No!' Nokoru glared at him. His wet blue eyes were opened wide. 'No! She did no mistake. I've told you I deserved it...'

'Nokoru.. Enough... Stop blaming yourself for my death..'

'But- but...' /I killed you./

'Look at me now..' Douku stood on his feet, and spread his wings. Beautiful, beautiful white wings.. He was an angel... 'I'm happy now.. I'm always be. All these times, I never left you.. I watched you from here. I spent more time being with you compared to when I was still alive. From here I could see you, feel in the same way you're feeling. There's nothing more I could wish..'

Nokoru slowly raised his body. 'In that case, can I stay with you? I want to be happy like you. I don't want to be hurt again. Please?' He begged for a 'yes' answer.

'Fine.' Douku smiled to him. 'But you had to be honest to me.. You have to answer my question honestly.. Can you do it?'

Nokoru wept his tears away. 'Yes! Yes! I will do anything..'

'Tell me. will you be happy if you leave your loved ones?'

He was silent.

Happiness - it wasn't easy. Without friends. Without love. Without hope. Without sadness. What is happiness?

To be continued - .