But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear?
Didn't I, my dear?

.

They waited for another good twenty minutes, before they decided that no, there really was no one there and yes, they could get out now.

Blaine led the way, as he had been smart enough to pack a flash light (Kurt really wondered how long Blaine had been planning this particular trip), and he started towards the entrance, because apparently they had to walk around like it was a normal shopping day at Ikea.

"I've been here weeks ago, to decorate our apartment," Kurt hissed, really just wanting to lie down on a bed or something, or hide behind something as for when there was still somebody there.

But Blaine didn't listen, or pretended not to listen and simply kept walking, walking, and walking.

"I brought you a notebook and a pen," He told Kurt, "in case you see something you want, you can write it down."

Kurt raised an eyebrow at Blaine, as they reached the entrance, right next to the cafeteria.

The cafeteria seemed to be still running, cakes and sandwiches were still spread out in the cooling and the soda machine was making a rather loud whirring noise.

As Kurt had figured Blaine wanted to walk the 'Ikea' tour now, he started towards the shop again, but then he heard as if someone was filling a cup with soda.

He turned around to see that Blaine was not filling a cup with soda, no, he was trying to fill his mouth with soda, head hanging under the machine and pushing buttons he couldn't see.

He came out under it with a disgusted look on his face.

"You have to help me, I can't see the buttons. I wanted diet coke and I got sprite."

"Blaine, that's stealing. That soda isn't yours and you should pay for it."

Blaine merely shrugged and put his (wet with sprite) head under it again.

"Well..", he started after a few seconds of nothing, "Are you going to push that button or am I going to fill a cup and accidently spill it on your shirt?"

Yup, to this Kurt had to rush forward and press the diet coke, eyeing Blaine gulping it down in surprise. How did he do that, swallow at the same time as getting fluid down in his mouth? How, though?

And so, Kurt had to know.

"Do it for me now," he said as Blaine came out from under it, and as he told Blaine he did want sprite, he felt this great rush of adrenaline rush through his body.

He's doing something illegal while doing something illegal, or something like that. He's not sure how to describe it, but the feeling of doing something that's not legal and the possibility to be caught just gets him excited all of a sudden.

He drank the sprite enthusiastically, though he was right in thinking you couldn't really drink this way. Half of it ends up in his hair and his face is covered in sticky soda when he gets out from under it, but he feels so badass having drunk straight out of a soda machine.

Blaine had always had this bad influence on him, so Kurt decides not to care and simply let the rush of adrenaline take over.

So not only did he rush to the bed department ahead of Blaine, no, he was actually the one initiating jumping on beds, while Blaine called him down and saying stuff about alarms going off.

"If there'd been a movement detection alarm or something it would've gone of an hour ago when you opened that closet's door", said Kurt enthousiastically, before jumping from one bed to another and turning around to face Blaine again.

Blaine took little time to consider Kurt's words, before vigorously jumping on a bed as well, and so they kept busy jumping from bed to bed for a good five minutes, before Blaine collapsed on a bed, breathing heavily and Kurt rushing over to him.

"Are you okay?" He asked, concern wavering over everything in his voice, "I'm sorry Blaine, I should've known you're not up to this."

Kurt was about to internally face palm, when he noticed Blaine giggling.

"You're the cutest thing ever, Kurt, seriously. So concerned, I was just out of breath and decided to stop before it got too bad."

Now Kurt giggled as well, because Blaine being responsible? Blaine stopping before things got out of hand? That did not sound like Blaine at all.

Like, look around, they're at Ikea jumping on beds after closing times. Blaine always let things get out of hand.

So they laughed. They laughed because it was funny, and scary and because it was comfortable and terrifying at the same time.

They laughed because it was them and they had promised this to each other long ago, not just a few weeks back.

A few years back they'd promised this.

.

.

"From now on all we ever do, I want to do together."

Kurt raised an eyebrow and looked at Blaine sarcastically.

"Sounds like a plan Blaine, I have to pee now, come with?"

But Blaine knew Kurt and was expecting such an answer, so he also was ready to quickly smack Kurt softly on his shoulder.

"You know what I mean."

"Honestly, no, I don't. I get that you want to do a lot of things together, spent a lot of time doing this…" and at 'this' Kurt gestured to their naked bodies, soaked in sweat and stickyness, "but all we ever do?"

Blaine nodded understandingly, before reaching up a little to capture Kurt's lips with his own in a chaste peck.

"I mean, all we ever do new. This was the first time we've had sex. All the other first everythings, I want to do them with you."

"Like what?"

"First holiday without parents. First time breaking the law. First time moving out. First time attending a graduation ceremony. First time out of the US. First time whatever, I want you there."

And this time it was Kurt who leaned down to capture Blaine's lips with his own, only not chaste, but passionately and longingly.

"Apart from breaking the law," he started, "I want to do that too."

Blaine fought back a giggle and made Kurt a promise he was sure to keep.

"Believe me baby, one day we'll break the law together."

.

.

The giggling slowly died out, both boys lying on quite a comfortable bed, facing each other and drowning in the memory they could read in each other's eyes.

That first time they had ever been together and they promised to do everything new together. None of those promises were actually kept.

None of them.

Kurt's first holiday without parents had been his trip to New York with New Directions, it was for school, but it counted.

First time moving out, they were supposed to move in together but they didn't. They had broken up before that and Blaine had moved to Los Angeles, while Kurt kept his promise and already lived in New York a year before Blaine even moved out.

And while yes, Blaine actually transferred to McKinley halfway through senior year, the slushees and shoving had gotten to him worse than it did to the rest of the New Directions, Blaine couldn't really handle it on top of the different teaching style and somehow he'd failed and did not attend to their graduation, saying it was too painful to watch them get their diploma. Kurt still thought it was more due to the fact they'd just broken up.

Then the first time out of the US, that was when Kurt went to study in Amsterdam for a term of ten weeks. Blaine hadn't been there. Not that they were together at that point, but both boys had always sort of clung hope to that one particular promise, they were still best friends after all and maybe they would be able to repair things. Not that they ever said it aloud to one another.

And now here they were, breaking the law together. Kurt couldn't help but wonder if this was a promise Blaine did keep, or if Blaine had broken the law before.

He opened his mouth and was about to ask Blaine if it was, when his phone rang and the magical silence between them was gone, disappeared in to thin air, quite literally.

"What?" Kurt huffed into his phone.

"Wow, I'm sorry to interrupt," Jim's voice sounded cheerful.

"It's okay. I'm out with Blaine, don't have much time."

"Where are you? It's quiet there?"

"What did you say, Jim, you have bad reception."

"Camping sucks. Kids are annoying and I miss you."

"I miss you too, babe, but I've got to go now, I'm out and you have bad reception. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Sorry to interrupt. I love you."

"Love you too."

Kurt hung up and glanced back at Blaine, who was still lying face to him, but had now an unreadable creepy look in his eyes.

"Let's get going to the kids department," he said matter-of-factly and got up, almost running away.

If Kurt hadn't known better he had swore he saw tears and a big green monster hidden behind Blaine's gorgeous hazel eyes.

Kurt started running after Blaine, he had to see those eyes again to know that he was right, because if he was it would change absolutely everything.

Every-fucking-thing.

"Blaine!" he yelled, trying to keep up with the shorter boy.

"Blaine, wait!"

But when he got to the kids department, Blaine was most definitely not going to talk to Kurt about anything Kurt might've just seen.

Kurt couldn't know how Blaine felt when they were cuddled up on the couch after Jim got to sleep. He couldn't know how Blaine had felt those weeks back when they were in bath together.

Because Kurt had Jim and Kurt loved Jim. Jim was so freaking understanding and Kurt deserved that, he deserved someone who would never hurt him the way Blaine had. He deserved that.

Plus, even if Kurt still felt a hint of anything for Blaine, it was no use. Because he was going to die, and Jim wasn't.

So no, Blaine could not let Kurt know anything.

"I've always wanted a daughter," he said therefore, trying to distract Kurt from the topic that was actually on his mind, "I'll never have kids, you know."

"I know. We've always wanted a daughter and spoil her rotten like Rachel Berry."

.

.

"You don't love me anymore, do you?"

Kurt was absolutely composed, calm and almost serene and it shocked Blaine.

"Of course I love you, Kurt. I'm just not in love with you anymore."

"Isn't that what it always goes like though? They say that being in love changes into actually loving. You can't be in love for that long, that's what they say."

"I know what they say, baby."

"Don't call me baby."

I know what they say, Kurt, it's just how I feel. I still care for you as much as always and you're still as much my best friend as you were before Pav died. I just don't feel that way anymore.

Oh, how Blaine only wished that was true. If only that were true, if only, if only, if only.

"We'll still talk, you can still talk to me about anything. I still love you, the sparks are just gone, Kurt."

He reached out to cup Kurt's cheek and he shouldn't have, because he'd just said the sparks were gone and now his stomach was turning over and he almost choked on butterflies.

"I flunked, Kurt. I'm staying here for another year and then I'll come to New York. We'll still talk on Skype, Facebook, whatever. But you have to know that it's nothing more than the bestest friends."

Kurt giggled through his tears.

"I knew your feelings were changing, I noticed you touched me differently. But Blaine, bestest isn't a word."

Now it was Blaine's turn to giggle.

"We'll still live our lives together, Kurt, as best friends we'll get through anything the way we did as boyfriends."

"We'd live our lives together with a mini-Rachel to spoil rotten."

Maybe one day they still would.

"You'll find someone to do that with, you're amazing Kurt and I'm a jerk for letting my feelings change."

Kurt shook his head heavily.

"No. Blaine. No. You're not a jerk. You would've been a jerk if you kept stringing me along, if you kept being my boyfriend despite your changing feelings. I only admire you for being honest. That's what friendship is about, Blaine, honesty. And that's why I know we'll still be best friends even after we broke up. Honesty got us here and honesty will guide us through."

It was like a stab to his chest as Blaine wondered when actually would be the right time to tell Kurt he'd rather move to Los Angeles than New York.

.

.

"I was still in love with you."

Okay, that was not supposed to come out.

"I knew that."

"Then why did you say honesty could get us through?"

It was really a miracle how they seemed to have the same flashbacks at the same time. Or maybe it wasn't, because something obviously triggered those memories to surface.

"Because I didn't want to fight you. I thought it was better to let you go for the time being and get you back later, than fight you and lose you forever."

Blaine rushed towards Kurt and grabbed his head on both sides.

"You said you'd never say goodbye to me and yet you did."

There was a hint of anger, of pain, maybe even accusation, but mostly desperation and Kurt couldn't do it anymore.

All the cuddling, the knowing Blaine was only sleeping a room away. He couldn't do it anymore.

Their lips crashed together in hunger, desperation, passion and longing. It was rough, painful and awkward but it was also amazing.

All those sparks from years back, they were there and it was as if they were finally freed again in both boys' bellies. Fireworks was pretty much an understatement with the way the pulled at each other's clothes, Kurt actually tearing up Blaine's shirt, while never letting go of Blaine's lips.

They moved backwards, backwards, backwards, until Blaine hit a bed and they let themselves collapse on it. That it could be the bed they were supposed to buy for mini-Rachel if things had actually worked out, neither of them cared.

All they needed now was to feel each other all over, Kurt's shirt tossed next to Blaine's ripped up one caused two bare chests to rub together, with all the pleasure than came with skin to skin contact.

Kurt was a bit broader than he had been in high school, Blaine had more chest hair and his scruff was positively rubbing against Kurt's soft skin.

Tongues were explored like there was no tomorrow, but also as if there was no yesteryear and they had never met, which they sort of didn't.

They both were more experienced and as the kiss grew less urgent and more passionate, they allowed each other to explore the hot caverns with a simple ease as if they'd done this for years and yet everything was so new and exciting.

Kurt straddled Blaine and reached down to open his zip, grabbed out his half hard cock and began to gently stroke it.

For a second Blaine relaxed in the touch and almost gave in completely, but he stopped Kurt.

"We can't do this."

Kurt's eyebrows shot up, before he got off Blaine and sat on the edge of the little bed.

"You're right, we can't."

"I just could not live with seeing Jim's face when he gets back. Just. No."

Oh. Right. Jim. Kurt was thinking along the lines of no lube, no condom.

"What? You weren't thinking about Jim?"

He guiltily shook his head.

"I thought no lube, no condom."

Blaine nodded, before taking Kurt's hand and let them back to the bed department. Maybe they could catch an hour of sleep, before they would talk.

.

.

Not that either of them could catch sleep, really, both were lost in thought of what had just happened.

And Blaine was really hoping that cuddling close and smelling someone's hair wasn't considered cheating, because he just could not do that to Jim.

Jim had been so understanding, so kind and generous.

Hell, he'd let Blaine live in his house and now here he was, holding that same man's boyfriend as if his life depended on it.

And the odd thing is, his life did depend on Kurt.

But Kurt also clung to him as if his life depended on it and that was just utterly wrong and also utterly confusing.

Blaine tried to go over anything and everything in his head, the way they ended up in this fucking mess, but he couldn't see how.

All he saw was that he should've never broken up with Kurt. Because if he'd never broken up with Kurt, they'd never gotten into that mess before Kurt left for Amsterdam and Blaine would've never had to make the decision to cut Kurt out of his life.

If only.

.

.

"I still love you."

Apparently Blaine had drifted off to sleep, or at least had dozed off into an almost sleep. Kurt most certainly had thought he was asleep, or else he wouldn't have said that.

"You shouldn't."

The words were whispered, but they stabbed both Blaine and Kurt so much more than it had stabbed when they first broke up.

They were grown men now, grown men loving each other and knowing they couldn't.

"I love Jim as well."

"I know."

"I love you more. You're.."

But Kurt could not find the right words to describe what he was thinking.

"You're Blaine."

"Jim's good for you, Kurt, I'm not. I've hurt you so many times before and I will hurt you again."

Kurt smiled and scooted even closer, though Blaine wondered how that was physically possible."

"How will you hurt me again? You're dying."

Blaine nodded.

"Exactly. If you 'choose' me, you'll be hurting when I die. Jim isn't dying. He loves you unconditionally, he's good for you. He's right for you."

Kurt sobbed silently into Blaine's neck.

"Why, though, why did you hurt me. I know why you did it the first time around. Because you did not see how it would work with me in New York and you in Marysland or LA. But why, before and when I was in Amsterdam. Why did you hurt me, why did you cut me out?"

Blaine sighed. Kurt really needed explanation. Blaine knew it would come to this one day, he knew he'd have to explain but he'd been dreading the day. Now here it was and he was scared, but also relieved. Kurt loved him. Maybe Kurt would be angry, or sad, but Kurt loved him and maybe he would even forgive Blaine. Just maybe.

"Because I loved you.

I did it because I loved you so much, Kurt. That night at your goodbye party, we shouldn't have kissed. We just should not have. We were drunk, we got carried away. I know it was just a friendly goodbye kiss, but it all came back to me. All the feelings, the pain I was in from being away from you, it all came back with one simple, closed mouth goodbye kiss.
I knew I still loved you then, and that it would not be good for me to hang around you, because I thought you didn't feel the same.
No, Kurt, don't try and interrupt, let me speak.
I thought you didn't feel the same way about me anymore, because you just walked away after that kiss. I spent days and nights re-reading your email from when you were in Amsterdam. It was just a single one and I couldn't bring myself to respond to it, because I knew if I did I had to tell you how I felt and that I couldn't do it anymore. I ended up texting you I hadn't had internet in weeks and made the epic mistake of checking facebook, so you saw I was online.
When you granted me the choice to respond to your text with a good explanation or cut off all contact, it was just too easy for me to make a decision. I could cut it all off, get over you and start a life.
But I never really got another life, you see? I never made friends because they weren't you. I never had a relationship because they weren't you. I pushed everyone away, everyone. They weren't you, Kurt, they weren't you. You were my best friend and the love of my life. No one would ever be good enough."

Tears. Everywhere, on the pillows, on their cheeks and in their hearts. Everywhere.

"Do you think you can love two people at once?"

"Totally. But you don't have to choose. Jim is Carole."

Blaine was making no sense to Kurt, so he asked how Jim was Carole.

"Your dad loved you mom so much, Kurt, so much. But after she died he moved on and found Carole. He still loves your mom with every bit of his heart, but Carole is in there to, every bit of it."

Okay maybe that made sense, just a little, but how did Jim come into this?

"Jim is Carole for you. You'll love him just as much, he only came along sooner than her."

Jim was Carole. He came along too soon.

"I want to be with you, Blaine, for as long as we have."

"We can't do that to Jim," Blaine protested.

"I know," Kurt said and he had a feeling that Jim wouldn't be as understanding about this as he had been about the rest, but he just had to be with Blaine. He just had to.

"Jim will be away for two more nights, we'll just enjoy them and cross the bridge of him coming back when we get there. I need you, Blaine. At this moment, you're to me what applause is to Tinkerbell. I need you."

Blaine sobbed and thought no more.

"I need you, Kurt."

They didn't kiss, they didn't have sex or anything remotely close to such a thing. For now, just laying there and reveling each other's presence was enough intimacy.

That was, until Kurt spoke again.

"So, Blaine, now the night is almost over, did you put any thought in how we would get out of the place unseen, unheard and without setting off any alarms?"

.

.

A/N: The song quote at the top is 'Little Lion Man', by Mumford&Sons. Those who don't know it, go listen to it RIGHT THIS SECOND!

Look guys, I made up with a very angsty, emotional, long awaited chapter ;-)! Sorry for the long author's note, but I'd like it if you'll read it!

I hope it makes sense, because halfway through this chapter my roommate called me telling me she crashed her car into a Chinese take-out restaurant. How do you do that, one might ask? It was close by, so I went to get her, when I got back I realised she had called me in the middle of a make-out scene, how dare she!

This chapter was pretty emotional to me, due to the flashbacks and the explanation. I think this is the time where I should tell you how I came up with this particular story.

I am Kurt, and my two exes combined are Blaine. The way their relationship was and the way it ended, was with one ex, loving each other a lot. When he broke up with me, it was really over though. That's where my other ex steps in, with whom it wasn't over. He remained my best friend for years and years after we broke up, until two years ago when I went to Romania for a semester. We didn't see each other often, but when we did it was just utter perfection. He was my best friend in the whole wide world. When I went to Romania however, and we met to say goodbye we got drunk and kissed. Everything came back to me, and when in Romania I contacted him several times, but he did not respond to anything except for one text saying he hadn't seen internet for weeks, two hours later he was online on facebook. I texted him the exact same this as Kurt did, he did not respond.
Weeks ago I dreamt he was dying and wow, it hurt so, so bad, only to dream that. It hurts me so much that I can't contact him and ask him how he is, I just know he won't reply.
To let out my frustration, my pain and my stupid, stupid overly active fantasy I started this story. I'm sorry for bothering you with this long A/N, but I just had to get it off my chest so you know how important this story is to me.

I hope you enjoyed the chapter nonetheless and could notice how emotional it was to me. I have my re-sit tomorrow and after that I'm in France for a week.
When I'm back I'll be back to updating frequently, as I'll really have summer holiday then (though it only lasts six weeks, boo!)

Also, I'm trying to figure out how to change my Author's Name, since it isn't pronouncable for you guys and I know for a fact that non-pronouncable things are hard to remember. So if it changes into 'beatle-bun' sometime soon, don't be shocked, it's still me ;-)!