Chapter 11
-Kagome's True Suffering-
March 23, 2006
Dear Diary,
Sniffle, hello diary, it's nice to speak with you again, sniffle, I'm guessing you're wondering why I'm crying, sniffle, well I think I could tell you…… Well it's not about Inuyasha or anything about love it's about…life
Yes, diary, life, have you ever felt like you have no control over your life and that no matter how hard you try it feels like you are weakening and that whatever someone says you do it, huh, I feel so pathetic, a weak fifteen year old teenage girl with an abnormal life, if I could even call it that. I just witness many demons get slaughtered, no not evil demons, innocent demons who are two different kinds, well on was a wolf demon while the other demon was a water demon they were in love and they were going to get mated when suddenly they were ambushed and killed.
It was horrible! The images of their death and dying in each others arms saying their last love parting words haunt me in my dreams, IT'S KILLING ME! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE THIS PAIN ANYMORE, sob… I just want to live a peaceful life with no harm or killing in it which anyone could get mated or married to whomever they wish without disregarding them of what they are.
I want to see a world filled with love, peace, happiness, freedom, understanding…
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I know it'll just be a fantasy but I just…want to help I don't want to kill anymore every demon I kill breaks my heart and darkens my soul.
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Yes I have told Sango this, but she says I was being foolish and it was okay to kill demons since they are trying to kill me…But that's what's hurting me they're NOT TRYING to kill me the jewel calls form them promising them power and freedom. I know this because I could feel the whisper from the demon spirit within it calling them I was so pissed at Sango for saying that but I kept my mouth shut not wanting to make my friend mad and hate me.
…Sigh, I want someone to understand me, anyone, even the dead spirits think of me foolish I DON'T CARE! I JUST WANT EVERYONE'S LIVES TO BE… to be…
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To be a dreamy fantasy…
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…I lost my dreamy fantasy a long time ago when someone very important to me died, you know who he is diary so don't make me say his name aloud… Fine I will, Gouka Higurashi, my dad and my Samurai hero.
When he died it felt like he took my dreams with him…now I feel as though I'll never be whole again sure my soul is split half with Kikyo's but what's the point of getting it back if I won't feel complete and cause another pain and suffering.
Tsk, WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO DAMN HARD! EVERYTHING PEOPLE DO LEADS THEM TO DEATH! THE JEWEL, LOVE, REVENGE, VENGANCE, HAPPINESS, SACRIFICE, EVERYTHING LEADS TO ONE PATH TO DEATH!
I HATE IT, I HATE, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I. HATE. IIIIITTTTTT!
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Sob, sob…why won't anyone understand me like I do for them I understand Sesshomaru even though he is the most stoic person on the planet and acts like he does not care but he does even though he does not show it by words or expression, he shows it by actions.
Like he had some many advantages to kill Inuyasha but he did not he just knocked him out cold and threatened him, what his really doing is helping him become stronger, for he could one day defeat him, like he wanted to defeat his father, it's a tradition to prove you are worthy and strong you must kill or defeat the strongest and fearsome person or demon that ever roamed the lands.
I might not be a demon and not know of such demon traditions but I know that one and some others… things don't make sense to me at all not even if god himself explained it to me a thousand times I still won't understand, sure it's destiny or fate, but destiny and fate also causes mistake that hurts the earth severely.
Diary… if you were me and felt like you were an empty shell that knows nothing of the world would you be feeling the same way as I do now or blame the world for what it's doing to you?
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Ha-ha…If there was person out there that understands me then I know my dreams are reality like I use to say to myself when my father died..
…Dreams is inspirations
…Wishing is hope
…Love is strength
…Courage is power
…Hatred is blind
…Pain is confusing
…Coldness is hollow
…Lonely is sad
…Betrayal is mistaken
…Happy is life
…Peace is freedom
…Solitude is spirit
…Regret is guilt
…Confusement is nerve-racking
…Silence is whispers
…Darkness is taint
…Pure is unsure
...Greed is mourn
…Pray is mental
...Suffering is suicide
Those words probably won't make sense but when you experience them you'll understand them…
Sniffle, well Diary I must take my leave as of I have a duty to bury the lovers body and pray them a good life, if they could not succeed their love here in the physical realm maybe they could succeed in the afterlife, since I wish them the best of love luck.