Darling Kate,

I'm dying. It's cancer. I'm not afraid. I know that I probably should be, but I'm not. I'm seventy now. I haven't been living for so long; this is just the inevitable end to a terrible reality.

I will get to see my mother again. I'm sad to be leaving Alexis of course. I hate how much pain this is causing her. But she's in safe hands. Her husband loves her very much, and I'm sure she'll find solace in the company of her children.

Her children. My grandchildren. They brought light to my life when I thought I would forever be in darkness. I lose myself in their innocence. They have no idea of the pain that life will bring. I only hope that they find the kind of love that I found. I hope that they are smart enough to address it, to not make the same mistakes I did.

I haven't been with a woman in over thirty years. I couldn't do that to you. It felt too much like betrayal. Alexis told me that I was being stupid, that you were never selfish when you were alive, so why would you be now you were-. I can't write it. It's been thirty years and I can't write it. She told me to try and find happiness, because that's what you would have wanted for me. But I know I could never find happiness in the arms of another. You ruined me for every other woman on the planet.

Death does not scare me. I dream of it sometimes. I don't believe in heaven. But I believe in us. I know that wherever I end up, you will be there waiting. I need to be able to tell you properly.

Alexis has seen these letters. She hasn't read any of them but she's seen me writing them and I think she knows what they're about. She said I should publish them. She said that the world deserves to know what happened to Richard Castle, why he finished Heat Rises and then disappeared.

I won't do it, Kate. They were too painful to write. I would never put anyone else through reading that. And they're personal. They contain my thoughts during my most vulnerable state. They contain things about you that I like to think no one else knows.

My life changed the day I met you Kate. I don't think I knew it then, but you had me the moment you uttered my name. You changed me into a better man. You helped me to grow up, to see that there are more important things than fun in life. It makes me so angry to think that you didn't get to touch more lives. You could have done some amazing things. You already were extraordinary, given more time you could have been incredible.

People tried to comfort me by saying it was your time. But I don't think it was. I think it was my time. I think I was meant to take that bullet for you. What have I given to the world? So very little. Every day, I pray that with the way the world is advancing technologically, someone will invent a time machine. I'm well aware it would cause havoc. But I'd go back in time. I'd tell the 'me' at the funeral that day what was going to happen. I'd make sure that the Rick Castle of 2010 knew to dive in front of you, to take the bullet.

I lie in this bed in the hospital, growing ever weaker. Even now, sometimes there is a phantom taste on my tongue and I just know that it's you.

I remember one time all those years ago a conversation I had with Alexis. It's a miracle I can remember anything from that period at all. Everything is black around the edges and tainted with scotch. I swore I wouldn't lose myself in the bottle. I saw how it destroyed you having to save your dad, and I wasn't going to let that happen to Alexis. But I'm not ashamed to admit that I sometimes struggled to get through the day without a drink.

But anyway. She said to me. "Dad, we all lose our friends sometimes. You'll get through it." But you were more than just a friend. You were my best friend. You were my partner. You were the love of my life. I always pledged that we were more than friends. Friends come and go, but I wasn't ever going to let you leave.

I'm so cold Kate. So very cold. It's seeping into my bones, settling over me with an icy familiarity. I've given up trying to hold on. What do I have to hold on for? Not Mother. No father. My daughter just needs this to be over so she can start moving on. I wrote a proposal once. To you. I remember I wrote one day when I'm old and gray, I want your face to be the last thing I see. But I can't have that, can I. I'm just hoping that your face can be the first thing I see instead, wherever I end up.

The end is coming near. I can feel it Kate. Darling, precious, beautiful Kate. You were the light of my life, and when you flickered out, so did my happiness. But I can see you again. You're a faint glow of familiarity in the distance.

They say the last of the senses to go is sound, but they're wrong. It's love. I can't see or feel or taste or smell or hear anything. I have been stripped down to one essential component. All I am now is love. Love for my mother, your father. Love for my daughter and my grandchildren. Love for you.

Even now, after all this time. Love for you

Rick