Kirby didn't impress me much on his first day. While his larrikin nature might've impressed me a few years ago, that day I was just not in the mood, and it did not make for a good impression on his behalf. Like Raynor, he often disappointed me with his role as a cop. I never doubted his passion for the job – I never doubt anybody's commitment to the force in my station – but the way he went about it often let him down. And his forays as acting sergeant are just not worth mentioning.
Among his only good points about becoming a member of my team (and I'm hoping he will continue to at least try to impress me) was the way it affected Jones. Although even that had its negatives and positives. Them being such great mates was at times both a blessing and a bloody nuisance. He was good for Jones – a lifelong friend is something everyone should have – and it gave Jones a bit of respite from time to time from some of the rigours of this job. At other times though they fought and swore at each other like 12 year old boys in the playground. And don't even get me started on the whole love triangle they had going with Raynor – the poor girl was pulled this way and that, and it didn't even end well with Kirby and Jones becoming professional bachelors and continuing to live like twelve year olds, leaving Raynor behind to pick up the pieces of her reputation and her heart. I'm the first to admit men can be asses sometimes.
On the other hand, one must always give themselves plenty of time to try to evaluate the complexities of Amy Fox. I can't clearly remember the first time I met Amy, but I do remember one night in the Imperial, just after she had arrived, overhearing her speak to Jones. "I heard that about Mt Thomas - that people here stick up for their mates," she mentioned casually. It made me worry about her for a while, because she said it in such a way that I wondered if she could possess the same sort of comradeship that her sentence had stated. I feared that she had been in the city too long, that she was too different, too hardened, too career minded to fit into this town and my team. Because what I heard her saying to Jones certainly made it seem like she just didn't – and wouldn't – understand the country town mentality we have out here. And out here, if you don't stick up for your mates, you're pretty much no use to us.
Of course her pure genius at detective work seemed to override that fear for most of the first year. And then I found out that there were so many other reasons why she seemed so different from any other detective we'd ever had before. Amy is a perfect example of how a painful past can make a huge impact on your life and your career. To her credit she never let it totally cloud her judgement or impress upon her to make a call that was totally out of line. But she came mighty close. Too many times.
It was then perhaps this teetering on the edge of bringing personal scars into the workplace that finally made me accept her as a member of my team. I could at last see her vulnerability coming into the light and it was then only confirmed for me when the case with her uncle came up. She tried hard to stay away from it – to brush it under the carpet, pretend it wasn't happening and that it wasn't getting to her. But it did get to her, in a big way (understandably) and she just couldn't possibly sit on the sidelines, no matter how much PJ or I tried to keep her on the bench. Suddenly Amy was one of my crew too, just like everybody else.
Family problems that become part of work never do anyone much good, but in this case it just could not be avoided. I could see Amy wished she didn't have to go through with it – half of her wanted to just hide it away in her past forever. But you know then that it will just eat away at you always…unless you do something about it. Took a lot of guts to take that step towards doing something about it I'm sure. Can't have been easy at all. Fifteen years of suppressed memories to spread out on the table for all to see. And Amy is not the type to air her dirty laundry.
During that case PJ was definitely her rock. If you'd asked her she would've said she didn't need a rock. But she would've said it in a heartbeat – so fast and sounding so sure that you would question whether it was true or just an automatic response to shield herself. All her life she has had to be strong, her own rock, and survive on her own. No one should have to live like that. Everybody needs someone. And during that time PJ was always floating in the background for Amy, just within reach if she needed it. And she never admitted that she needed it, but she so often did.
The day in court came sooner than expected, and the whole time we waited for that date you could see an uneasiness in Amy's eyes. She wanted it to be over. She was ready then more than ever to just move on, because by opening up she had given herself that opportunity. When it was time to go to court we did it quietly, and barely anyone knew. Amy just went to Melbourne on the Sunday afternoon and was back by Wednesday. PJ went with her. They slipped in and out of Melbourne quite stealthily, not making a big deal out of it – for Amy's sake. But when they returned I saw the difference straight away. She was totally different – the way she walked was more relaxed, she no longer snapped at the constables or Kirby as much as she used to and most of all the uneasiness had left her eyes. They no longer looked burdened with the weight of the case, with the weight of her past. It was a refreshing change and really felt like now she could have a life. I'm sure she still thinks about it everyday – it's hard to erase something like that from your mind – but I know it's getting easier now. Almost a year later when we begun having our little heart to hearts over heady alcohol I remember always being surprised that she even spoke to me in such a way. Before her uncle had been arrested she would never have been that open and forthcoming.
She and PJ really did become the dynamic duo after that, if only for a few short months. They worked together perfectly, like pen and paper. She was the cold hard facts side of the bargain and he the human compassionate side. They bounced off each other brilliantly and it made for a very good team. It was hard to see PJ go for so many reasons, and the breaking up of this duo I mention was one at the forefront of it all. Brilliance only lasts a certain amount of time I guess, like an elite athlete retiring from their sport.
But losing PJ Hasham was like losing a brother. Losing part of myself. He is the one colleague, out of so many that I have had, that I've probably worked with the longest. I couldn't deny him the new position though – it was so perfect for him - and sometimes I think that one should only spend a certain amount of time in the country. And I could do nothing to stop him, especially when Garth and Amy seemed so intent on him taking up the position in Melbourne. And they were right, and only encouraging the best for him. But I do miss him. For more than 15 years PJ was something of my sidekick, a mate I would go to with almost everything because he understood so many problems that affected me.
Like when Grace's birthday rolled around. We shared only a handful of birthdays while she was alive really, but to no longer be able to share in a day that celebrated my beautiful wife as the beautiful person she was…well, that cut deep. I don't often cry in front of others, instead preferring to do my grieving and sobbing and hurling things across the room in private, but I couldn't help it that day. And PJ was the one who sat beside me on the kitchen floor of the station and did everything he could think of to make me feel better – even putting his own grievances aside that he felt for Maggie and Jo. Nothing could help of course, I had still lost my Grace, but the fact that someone was trying to make me feel better – cared enough to take the time to show that they cared – really helped. You could rely on PJ like that. He always tried to make you smile.
Show me a smile
Don't be discouraged
Can't remember when
I last saw you laughing
I relied on PJ in a similar way that Kelly relies on me. Except, I suppose because she's a woman, she doesn't hide it like us blokes do. After I saw her at her Dad's funeral that dreadful day and saw how something was different about her – the way she walked, talked, moved, acted – it had all changed the moment her father was killed, I kind of felt an obligation to protect her. I never intended to take over as her father, not at all, but I suppose that that is what I became in her young eyes. And certainly I felt responsible for her after her Dad died, and I wanted her to not feel at all disadvantaged because she had lost a parent. So I took her to the park and the zoo and the corner store for lollies with my girls, and even though I suppose she could've still felt like quite the outsider being the only O'Rourke amongst so many Croydons, I think she appreciated it.
When she grew up and moved away I was disappointed but knew she would always do great things. I continued to send her birthday and Christmas cards, letting her know I was thinking of her, but there was a period of about 4 or so years where I didn't see her at all. And I lost contact with her mother for terrible reasons – never let a friendship go just because you're lazy – and so I wasn't even aware that she had been to the academy. I heard about it in a Christmas newsletter that her mother sent me – the first one in years, and I think she only thought to send it to me because it was that year that Kelly graduated and she knew I would want to know. And I was so immensely proud. Nothing could serve her father's legacy better than her becoming a copper too. He would've been so chuffed, I just know it.
So, I knew she had graduated – top of her class too might I mention…that's her Dad through and through – but never in a million years did I think that out of all the stations in Victoria she would've been posted to that she would be stationed at mine. And like I already mentioned, I wasn't exactly the Uncle Tom she remembered that first day in Mt Thomas, and part of me regrets that. But I know Kelly has such an undying love for everyone that she probably had forgiven me 10 minutes later. That is what's great about her – she can forgive and forget, something I am not so good at.
Months later I somehow just knew that she was running along that train carriage corridor. Call it a sixth sense if you like, but something inside me compelled me to run in that direction and then all of a sudden there she was, a tear stained mess – understandably – and falling into my arms. If her Dad had been alive it would've been his arms she fell into, no question, but I suppose I was the replacement.
Kelly was the kind of person everyone wants to protect actually. From the moment I saw her that day at the funeral probably until the end of time, I will want to protect her. Her colleagues were always the same. Especially Joss. I saw how they snapped at each other and joked and teased, but it was Joss who tried to shield her from the dead body of her best friend. He just wanted to protect her from something she shouldn't have ever had to see. They had already taken on a bit of a brother sister relationship, but that moment only confirmed it. Kelly is lucky to have so many people who care about her – and she deserves it all.
I saw this in a slightly different way with Amy when she took on the gang rape case. I admit I didn't see much of it with a copper's eye because I was seeing it through a stepfather's eyes, but I saw how, through her going head first into the case, she was trying to protect others from things that shouldn't have happened. I saw how she stayed with Bec Cleary for hours on end, reassuring her and comforting her. That's the way real coppers should be. Our job is to serve others, and Amy did that to no end with the gang rape case. And I suppose it only drove her more to resolve the case because she had had the same experience herself, even though we didn't know at the time. She knew how Bec felt and while that could have hindered the investigation, it also helped it a lot. Amy's past had definitely ignited a fire within her that to this day probably still burns. I think that it is what makes her such a hard working, passionate, stop at nothing detective.
Fox and Graham didn't have the best of relationships when he first arrived. I was surprised, as they seemed so similar - secretive, quiet, keep to themselves. But then I realised only too quickly that this was probably the very reason they didn't see eye to eye. They were too alike, and that in itself didn't sit right between them. Fox just couldn't relate to Graham because he reminded her too much of herself. This became a problem for quite some time, but unlike Fox, I never questioned Graham's ability (or his sanity), even if sometimes it seemed like I did. He and I were two of a kind you could say – military background, lifelong scars from tours of duty. But because of this I knew he had it in him to be a good copper. Ex military always does. It's like we've gone that step further than your ordinary cop. That extra mile. We might not have the rank in the police force, but in the military you do things on such a different level that the ranks in the police force just don't compare. You're helping people globally, you're rebuilding lives and homes and you're fighting for peace. Sure, you do that in the coppers too, but it feels so confined and restricted at times. What you do often doesn't reach anywhere past the border of your home state. In the army what you do is on a global scale. I believe my experience has served me well in the police force. One day Graham will understand this too, when and if he can get over the hurdles that his scars constantly bully him to jump over.
By mid 2006 I was honestly surprised that I still had a job. After going through so much – so much that would've dragged anyone else away from this job – I think everyone was surprised that I was still here. But I couldn't leave and I probably never will. Cancer and office politics are things so small in comparison to my own will to do my job that they could never pull me away from being a copper.
It's a pleasure to realise that a lot of my young kids – the ones I've watched grow from devilish little probationaries to sensible and passionate senior constables and sargeants – have begun to possess this same quality. I suppose it comes with time. Jones and Raynor are like that now, and it pleases me to see. You can't deny a lot has happened to those two over the years and throughout it all they have always been together in some way. Always as far away as hovering in the background or as close as sitting beside each other in the patrol car. And while they could never seem to make it work, they share an extraordinary friendship – one I am sure will last the true test of time. They need each other and while they couldn't get along as a couple they also could never survive without each other. They really do depend on each other – probably without them even realising it. I believe this is why Jones tried as hard as he did to convince Raynor to stay when the station was almost closed. She was all set to hightail it off to someplace where she couldn't be reminded of everything that had gone wrong in her life, but then she would've been without the people that knew her and understood her the best. Her friends. And Jones made sure that she knew this before she made any rash decisions. And it worked. Thank goodness. Because Jones would've either been a handful to cope with alone or he would've followed her anywhere she went. I had had to practically hold him back from following Gallagher to Melbourne that day – it would've been double the job to stop him going after Raynor. Raynor means much more to him than Gallagher ever did purely because Raynor and Jones became closer friends for a longer time. Really, when you think about it, Gallagher was part of Jones' life for just 2 short years, if that. To lose Raynor would be to lose some of Jones too. So I am glad she has decided to stay. Perhaps she will now come out of the woodwork and the haze that consumed our lives will now clear.
And Jones being in CI can also only help things. It is the beginning of a new moulding of the flock. Not working so closely with Raynor should allow Jones to focus more and possibly help further with rekindling his fragile friendship with her. And I know Jones can teach Amy a thing or two about my 'police work is people' motto and Amy can begin, after more than 2 years in my town, to mellow a little. And she will mellow. I know she will. It took PJ a few years to, so I cannot expect a person as complex as Amy to mellow and relax in any shorter span of time.
I'm glad that we won the fight to keep our station open. Never could there be a greater bunch of coppers stationed here and everyday is a gift. Nearly 20 bloody years in Mt Thomas. I'll remain here longer than Falcon Price will expect me to because this is my town. I'll die here. But that's ok. Because I couldn't think of a better place to do it.
My station. My flock. Nothing will destroy us.