Carlisle and Esme had left us shortly after dawn. Everyone else stayed to play Scrabble except Alice. Apparently she cheats, but she stayed to rule on our words. I heard voices down stairs downstairs a couple hours after day break and my heart if it could it would have wrenched. I stood and Edward grabbed my arm. "Vander don't." he shook his head.
I shrugged him off and slipped from the room and down the stairs. "Ok Hailey today we are going to do some algebra." Esme said shuffling papers. "No." A small voice said, she smelled like a delicate mix of cedar and linen, like Jacob and I had had a baby. Oh wait we had. "Why not, you love math." Esme asked. I crouched on the stairs glancing back as Edward copied my move after following me. "You know why. I want to see her." The voice challenged. "Her who dearest?" Esme asked. I could almost see her face in a smile trying hard to not be sad.
"Mommy, I can smell her Grandma." Hailey challenged again. "Hailey, I do not think it wise." Esme said. "Why not, Daddy saw her yesterday, twice!" Hailey yelled. I stood and crept down the stairs. "Vander…" Edward said. I shot him a look. He could try and stop me from going down the stairs. He would just get thrown down them before I walked down them was all he would accomplish. He held up his hands in peace.
I cleared the stairs and raised an eye brow. There in front of me clear as day was my little daughter. She was purely the best of Jacob and the ok parts of me. "Mommy!" She cried and leapt from her chair the papers Esme had set in front of her flying. I bent down and scooped her up with ease. She giggled and buried her face in my hair. "I missed you." She started to sob.
I shuddered my body torn. I wanted so bad to have any memory of this girl that it was crippling me from comforting her. "I don't care Mommy, that you're a vampire. I love you." She sobbed harder now. I looked over her at Esme. "Help me" I mouthed. "Ok Hailey, your mom is not feeling well you should let her go back upstairs." Esme said softly. Hailey shook her head. "No, she is a vampire what could be wrong with her. I know she is special and doesn't want my blood." Hailey argued. Apparently she was a saucy thing, I wonder who she had got that from.
"Well, she is special, and just Hailey…" Esme sighed. I took a deep breath smelling the little girl that was my daughter and shook my head. "Hails, lets go out for a walk ok?" I asked. "Ok and when we get back will you teach me some more magic? I miss it." She smiled up at me wiping the tears from her eyes with a small fist. I shook my head and set her down. "Why?" She asked. "I will explain it all just please?" I asked. "Ok Mommy." she nodded and placed her hand in mine.
Once we were a good distance from the house I sighed and closed my eyes my hand swinging hers ever so gently. "You see something happened to my when I was taken to Italy. I was attacked, and it reacted bad with my magic." I opened my eyes and looked down at her. "Is that why you aren't at home with us? You are in your room at Grandma and Grandpa's?" she asked. "It is." I replied, I didn't want to tell her, I just didn't. "Can I catch it because I am magical too? Is that why you won't show me more magic?" she asked.
I sighed and shook my head. "Then why?" she asked looking at me. Oh yeah she was my daughter alright, questions and stubborn. "I lost my memory. I can't control my magic very well. I have to re learn everything I have lost." I said softly, but the words seemed to echo around us. "But your magic is part of who you are Mommy. How could that go away?" I looked away. I had lost myself, and I was too chicken to say it aloud.
"Oh… that is it isn't it Mommy, it's not just your magic that went away is it?" She asked. I sighed once more. "No, not just my magic. I can't remember who I am. I can remember things like common things, but my life…" I stopped. She was to young to hear this. "Is that why Daddy is so sad?" she asked then made a face. "Does that mean you don't know who we are? Any of us?" Tears started to well up in her eyes. "That is right Hailey. I am sorry. If I could just flip the switch to make myself remember I would." I stopped walking and bent down to her to cradle her face in my hand. She pushed me away with surprising strength and ran into the tree line.
"Hailey!" I called out. I scrambled to my feet and opened my nose to follow her. I heard a howl ring out as if the pack said they would take care of it. I fell to the ground my knees buckling. I was a failure, I couldn't even protect my own daughter from my own mess.
Vander Black… a complete and utter failure of preternatural proportions. Awesome.
I had failed in every single aspect, my family all of them. Husband, failed. Daughter, failed. Siblings, failed. Parent, failed. Friends, failed. All of it amounted to me being unable to keep my shit together.
"Your not a failure Vander." Edward said holding his hands up in peace once more approaching me. Great now I was missing people coming up on me because of my pity party. "Look, it is not a big deal alright. Your just used to me." he said sitting down beside me. "Really we don't seem that close." I shrugged it was the truth. I felt far more comfortable with every other Cullen besides Edward.
"Well at home you are. In Italy… we got close. We were all each other had." he replied knocking his knee into mine. "Riight the infamous Volterra that I toppled." I sighed. "You felt like you had no choice." he said softly. "Really now and why is that?" I asked. "Well they stole your life from you. You thought as long as they were alive we would never be safe. Any of us." he said seriously. "They have pursued Alice and myself, you, threatened Bella when she was human. You feared for Hailey." he sighed. "So I just masterminded a plan to keep us all safe and drug you into it. Killed Goddess knows how many, oh and somehow mind fucked myself in the process. I am some hero." I sighed and laid back to let the blinding sun fill myself. Vampire self mutilation of some sort a self inflicted atonement perhaps.
"Well seeing as how you didn't think you would ever get back to America I would say this isn't that bad. Well it's bad but you are alive." he said looking down at me blocking out the sun. "You know it is annoying how you read my mind all the time." I said dryly. "Well you know how to stop me." he said just as bone dry. "How is that?" I asked. "Don't ask me, you are the witch who makes it work." He chuckled. "Oh that is really helpful." I rolled my eyes. He just didn't understand the pain I was in and he was making jokes about it.
"You don't think this is hard on everyone? It is, we miss you. Hailey, is so alone all the time. Jacob is like a zombie. He has all these shifts on patrol, trying to get through to you. You don't realize the impact of your actions do you? The Volturi, they kept people in line. People like us. Vampires. Now there is no one. Pretty much Europe is covered Nature hates a vacuum, but here it is falling on the wolves and witches here. Guess what we are down our witch so our wolves are taking up the slack with help from Em and Jazz." He said.
I took a breath filling my lungs with the now familiar scents. I had no idea it had gotten that bad. Emmett and Jasper were away a lot sure but they were picking up the slack from me not being there to fix the mess I had created. I bit my lip and sighed. "Why hasn't anyone told me?" I asked crossing my arms. "Because you tend to get all Die Hard on us." Edward shrugged. "Well I should be the one…" He threw his hands up and shook his head. "You don't always have to be the one! You know maybe that is why your mind is a blank right now because it needs protecting for a while." Edward yelled. "I might not know who I am but I know I am not someone who sits back and lets people she loves take on hardship." I countered. "No you rather scar them to death, do you have any idea what we went through, what your daugh…" Edward was cut off by my fist connecting with his jaw.
He just blinked and I stood there my fist clenched. "You done now?" I asked, I could fell my jaw line set in anger. "Good." I said shaking my head and turning from him. He had no right to go there, I had just seen first hand how hurt Hailey was, I didn't need him to tell me.
I made a B-Line for the living room once I was inside and put my hands on my hips. "Dude, your own name doesn't count." Jasper laughed pointing at Emmett trying to get a triple word score with his own name. "Hey, Em, Jazz lets take a walk." I motioned with my head to the door.
I had refused to answer any questions as we left the house and instead started to run. Both Emmett and Jasper followed after me and stopped when I halted in the clearing. "You have been helping the pack out with the vampire situation?" I asked looking at them. Jasper and Emmett exchanged glances then Emmett nodded. "Yeah, they can't do it alone…." Emmett began. "No they can't, they need help." I acknowledged. Jasper broke out in a grin, apparently he was getting a read off my attitude.
"You want us to teach you." He raised his eyebrows as if challenging me. "It is my fault this is happening, I have a responsibility to clean it up even if it wasn't my fault. I can't do that with magic yet, yet. I can sure as hell do it as a rocking vampire." I shrugged and watched Jasper's grin spread to Emmett's face. "Is she serious, are you serious or are you guys just messing with me?" He asked but the grin on his face was proof. Emmett knew me and he knew I was being serious. "I am deadly serious." I nodded. "Then I hoped you packed your magical underroos." Emmett chuckled.
"Ready?" Emmett asked playfully swinging one of his huge bear like hands at me. In answer I slapped it away. My jaw was set and I was crouched focused. "Oh the freshmen has fire." he joked. He wasn't taking it seriously and he would pay for it. I speared my body at his and knocked my shoulder into his gut bowling us over. "Good, she could have just decapitated you with that one. Pulled your spinal column right out!" Jasper yelled.
They had taken turns fighting me while the other gave advice, sort of a lab and lecture rolled into one lesson. Emmett flexed his powerful body and then flipped us so that I was on the ground. He grabbed my neck using it as leverage to bow my body backwards. I wanted to scream, they were going all out letting me know what it felt like when I was losing. I couldn't as a newborn I might loose it and keep on pulling. I worked my foot free and kicked at Emmett's knee and when he faltered for a fraction of a second I reached up and grabbed his shoulders and threw his body away from my own. Has It been a real fight I would have used his head and let his momentum tear his head from his body.
"Good, you are doing great. Just keep going after that head and rip them off." Jasper nodded coming closer looking down at Emmett flat on his back. "This is not as fun as I thought it would be." He grinned and looked at me. "You play to rough." he cracked. "You are still alive, in a sense of the word." I shrugged. Jasper laughed and hauled him up. "Come on, lets get something to eat and head back." Emmett suggested. I nodded in time with Jasper. "You really did a great job. I would take you with us." Emmett laughed and ruffled my hair. "Yeah now comes the real challenge, convincing Jake." Jasper huffed. "He will get over it, besides I have means to convince him with." I wiggled my eyebrows. "That is just sick." Emmett gagged. "Make sure you don't do it where other people can hear, no one wants to see if vampires can vomit." Jasper laughed.
We split up after that, even when you hunt for food together it is best to split up, you can cage something better, and it is less likely to smell you coming. I decided to go after mountain lions, they put up a fight and I wanted to bring as much fight as I could, practice makes perfect after all. I found a big tom cat's trail and started to stalk him. My body fell into a natural rhythm I kept my body up wind so he would know something was coming for him.
A deep warning growl was the preamble to the tom cat lunging at me. I could have taken it down no fight a few minutes before, but that would have defeated the purpose of going after the lion. I rolled the mountain lion off of me and started to circle it. Anytime it tried to get away I was there blocking it making it more angry as I batted away it's desperate swipes. I suddenly felt guilty for letting it think it had a chance. I turned my face from the beast, it had fought bravely enough.
I backed slowly away and turned my back on the mountain lion before it jumped on my back. I howled in surprised more then anything before I scrambled to pull it off. Once we were looking one another in the eyes I pounced and tore it's throat out letting it's life blood run down my gullet.
Once I was done I tossed the animal aside and bounded away from the viscera. I just let myself get lost in the sensation of running free wind in my hair as I decided to switch gears to something I would be less likely to toy with, deer. I tore my way through a small herd before deciding to go back to the house.
I got within a couple hundred yards and paused. I could smell him inside there. Jacob. He was probably angry at me for talking to Hailey. I groaned and sat down on the ground resting my elbows on my knees. I wasn't going to run, but I sure as hell wasn't going to go poke the wolf either. I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead against my hands letting my hair fall around my face.
I heard the door open and close and Jacob's scent filled my nose. A second later his massive hot hands started to work against my shoulder muscles. "Hey you." His mouth pressed against the crook where my shoulders started to taper up into my neck and an automatic grin painted itself on my mouth. "Hey." I responded. "There, that is much better." he chuckled. "What is?" I asked scrunching my nose. "You were smiling just then." he said simply his body shaking with a shrug. "How do you know that?" I asked turning my head to look at him from the wall of my hair. "I know what my wife sounds like when she smiles." he teased.
I tensed and bit my lip. "What? Are you waiting for me to scold you about what happened this morning with Hailey?" he asked. "Kind of." I admitted. "Well, she has been really angry with everyone for not being able to see you. It's just hard for her, she blames herself that you were taken you know? So she wanted you to tell her it wasn't her fault I guess." He said sadly as his hands stopped kneading at me. "And I couldn't give that to her, I failed her." I sighed and rested my head against him.
"No love…" he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my hair. "She deserved to know, I would have broken it to her differently but you did the right thing by not pretending." he said softly. "You think?" I asked. "Well I figure she be more hurt if you had pretended and then it came out later you were faking it. If we can't get you remembering then she would have been devastated. Who knows she could maybe even help us now that she knows." he added cheerfully. "How would she be able to help us she is a child, I am guessing eight at the oldest." I made a face looking up at him.
"Well she is six almost seven. But with those books she could figure something out. She is really talented, just like her mother." he smiled. "Those books are useless, I was pouring over them and nothing makes sense they are really upper level stuff. I wrote them, they are in my hand writing and I don't get them." I shook my head shooting his idea down. "Well those books are, they are for the most powerful modern witch the world knows. Her books though are for beginners, sometimes it is the simplest solution." he grinned. "I mean look at us, a complex situation, vampires, wolves, witches, but we make it work with love. Hard problem easy answer." he chuckled.
She had books, beginner books. Of course there was the answer, if I had the basics then things would be a lot more clear. After all those books belonged to me, if I had made them it was within my realm of power to duplicate what I had already done. "Vand?" Jacob asked kissing my neck. "Hm?" I asked looking at him my mouth once again lighting my face with an automatic smile. "What are you thinking about babe?" he asked. "Well, the books I have make no sense because I don't understand what language I wrote them in. But if I did understand it, there is no telling what I could do." I sighed.
"You know that is true. You are a force of nature, there is no telling what you could do if you had the right tools." He nodded. "Well, lets go." I said attempting to stand up. "If you want I can bring them here to you." he offered. "Why bring them here if I could just go get them?" I asked. He chuckled his voice low and husky. "You step foot in our house and you wont be able to walk for a day or two." I laughed, not a giggle or a chuckle but laughed unrestrained. "You are so goofy." I shook my head. "I am serious Vander, our home…" I silenced him by pressing my finger to his lips. "I know it feels empty without me there. I want to fix that, but I want to come back as myself. Not just a pretty Vander shell. Please Jake understand." I kissed his cheek and he nipped my finger.
"Oh trust me I understand. I want you to have your memories back, they are part of you but even if they don't come back your still the same. Everyone sees it, they way you interact with everyone. The way you fought in the woods today, and your decision to be truthful with our daughter. That is who you are." He smiled. "You saw me fight?" I asked my brow raised. "Stayed downwind, but yeah you were beautiful." he smiled. "I bet you would have beat me." I joked. "No you pretty much beat me every time." he blushed. "Oh kinky." I laughed.
"Oh your in trouble!" He yelled scooping me up in his arms and standing in one motion as if I was nothing. "That is what you think." I said sarcastically and sent him a small shock and jumped out of his arms. I started to run but just around the yard and Jacob began to follow me.
I cried out in laughter when he would almost catch me and I would send him a small shock and he would playfully yip. Eventually I stopped and allowed him to catch me in his arms and threw him down grappling with my husband laughing all the while. It was if there was nothing else in the world but Jacob.
'Your not getting naked are you?' Edward's voice sounded in my head. From Jacob's sudden stiffness I knew he had heard it too. 'Go away.' I thought still somewhat sore from what he had said earlier. 'Yeah, I would only there is a very determined girl with me, and a wolf packing a lot of books with me.' he replied. I sat up and turned my head where his faint scent was coming from.
A few seconds later he came into view carrying Hailey on his back while Embry carried a large stack of bound books. I made a face and stood up. "I brought these for you." Hailey said pointing to Embry as he slid off Edward's back. "What are they?" I asked. "Books, magic books. Uncle Edward said you needed them." she smiled at Edward. "How?" I asked looking at him. "Well the other day you were thinking you needed a potty training book for magic. Well…" He motioned his hand to Hailey.
Embry extended his full arms toward me and I bit my lip. "Thank you." I nodded. "You don't mind?" I asked bending down to get on Hailey's level. "They are your books… besides Uncle Edward said I had to." she said crossing her arms. I raised my brow but nodded. My brows shot up into my hairline as I felt someone else's consciousness slid into my own probing it. "It isn't me." Edward said instantly holding up his hands. Hailey huffed and instantly the presence was gone and she turned stalking off. Embry unloaded the books unceremoniously to Edward and turned to follow her.
"That was Hailey?" I asked looking at Edward. "Hey she is your daughter." he shrugged. "I am going to take these in the house." he said before he started walking. "Thank you Edward!" I called. "Whatever just don't slug me again." he laughed before disappearing inside.
"Well where were we?" Jacob asked chuckling nervously. "You were about to tell me I am incredibly sexy and as much as it pains you for me to go I need to get up there and study my ass off?" I asked making a playful face. "Right, I was afraid I was going to say that." he chuckled. "I know, I am a mind reader like that." I leaned toward him for a kiss but he shook his head. "No if I kiss you now I might never stop." he sighed. "Fair enough, I will see you later huby." I smirked turning to leave. "Yeah, later." he smiled sadly making a soundless retreat for the tree line.