Camp Chitaqua

Author: Cheryl W.

Disclaimer: I do not own Dean, Sam or any rights to Supernatural, nor am I making any profit from this story.

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Chapter 11: Benched

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To Dean's credit, he waited until they were somewhere private, back on the overgrown grass of their camp's outer perimeter, just him and Cas before he decked the formal angel, enjoyed the sight of Cas's bloody lip as the former angel looked up from his new position on the ground. But his satisfaction died a quick death at the look in Cas' eyes. Not fury…but worry. Holy Crap. What did it take to turn Cas away, to make the man run for the hills, save himself for once in his friggin' long life? Be selfish, get some self-preservation kicking in, to realize that getting as far away from Dean Winchester was a good idea.

"You're benched," Dean growled, his fury only surging more fiercely at Cas' hurt look. "You stay in the friggin' camp until I know I can trust you."

"Trust me? I saved your life, maybe you missed that."

But that was exactly the type of action that made him untrustworthy, risking his own life for him? When had that ever been a good idea. "What you did was disobey my orders! We lost three good soldiers because you moved from your position." He jammed his finger into Cas' chest. "Their blood is on your hands, not mine."

Though it wasn't true, the blood was his and Dean knew it, their deaths were his fault, if he hadn't led them into a firefight with superior forces, if he hadn't gotten himself pinned down, if he had trained them better.

But Cas didn't bother disputing it, accepted it if it meant Dean didn't take on the guilt of their deaths. "Yes, their deaths are on me. But at least yours isn't."

In that moment, Dean hated Cas' loyalty, because he knew how unworthy he was of it. Decided right then and there that he needed to break it, taint it. "I'd be in good company though, right? How many angels did you take out single handedly?" instilling contempt into his tone where none really existed. He knew why Cas had killed those angels…to save him, to save Sam. Which, then again, was a stupid act considering how things were turning out.

Stiffening at the disapproval, Cas stepped forward, blew by Dean's personal space bubble and growled into the man's face, "You know I killed them to save you."

Dean had the audacity to offer a smirk back in reply. "Yeah, and how's it feel to know you screwed the pooch right there, had a chance to change all this, avert the whole croatoan thing we got going on and you blew it."

"I don't consider you being alive as 'screwing the pooch'," Cas angrily volleyed back.

Dean took a step closer to Cas, almost crowded the ex-angel to take a step back but Cas wouldn't give Dean the satisfaction of intimidating him. "See, that's why Dell, Altman and Trask are dead right now. Because you can't face the facts that I'm just a grunt now, same as everyone out there," pointing to the camp buildings surrounding them, indicating the ragtag army he's patched together. "Me getting killed, heck, that would be the good news, only way to ensure I'll never say yes to Michael."

'And if I wasn't so much of a coward, I would do myself, end the mystery right here, right now.' But he couldn't. Hating himself for his weakness, he turned on his heels, stalked for his cabin, didn't get a chance to close the door because Cas was barreling in behind him. Roughly spinning him around, Cas delivered a roundhouse punch that had Dean nearly sprawling onto the table.

Eyes going wide when Cas pulled out his gun, Dean, for a fleeting moment, thought the ex-angel was going to take him up on his suggestion, plug him right between the eyes.

"If you want to kill yourself, I think we can spare a bullet," Cas caustically bit out, ejected a bullet from his gun and tossed it on the table. But as he left the cabin, walked away from his best friend, he was terrified that he'd hear a gunshot, that Dean would not take his challenge as it was meant: as a goad for Dean to keep on fighting, to live.

Reaching his own cabin, Cas shut the door….and crumbled to his knees, not to pray to a God that probably wasn't listening anymore but to give into his desolation. To cry for everything, everyone, for himself, and it was the first time he let himself do that, be human enough to break.

And it solved nothing.

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Dean wasn't stupid, knew Cas was trying to manipulate him, taunt him into manning up. That Cas believed he'd suggested the one thing he'd never do. Cursing, Dean overturned the table, kicked the nearest chair and punched the wall…before he slumped against it, head pressed to the uneven wood, eyes squeezed shut, body trembling.

He couldn't do it. Though some part of him knew he should, he couldn't kill himself. Too many people had died to keep him alive, too much still rested on his shoulders, he had too much to atone for to give himself an easy out. This was his mess and he had to clean it up or die bloody trying. There was no warming a bench, not for him. But Cas…Cas could stay safe…be safe. Would probably hate him for it but Dean could live with that. He already lived with the knowledge that Sam probably said yes out of hatred for him, for him breaking them up, denying Sam his forgiveness, for choosing solitude over brotherhood.

So yeah, Cas could hate him all he liked but Cas would stay here in camp, wouldn't go out there with him, wouldn't stupidly risk his life and the lives of any of member of their camp in some obsolete notion that he needed to be protected at all costs because he was going to save the world.

'I couldn't even save three members of my group today.' Somewhere down deep, he knew every member of the camp was probably doomed the second that they aligned themselves with him. 'Course, they would all realize that..if they knew they were putting their trust into the man who had started all this.' A man that had said his own yes in Hell. And no matter how many times he said no, it would never ever undo that.

So all he could do was try to end all of it. And his to-do list was pretty cut and dry:

1. Gank as many croats as he could

2. Find the Colt

3. Stop the devil

4. Kill his own brother

5. ~~~~~

# 5 didn't even need to be mentally listed. If he checked off #4, # 5 would come naturally. Because after that, there would be nothing in this life worth living for anyway.

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TBC

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Thanks for reading and for the wonderful reviews on last chapter.

Have a great day!

Cheryl w.