It was heaven and it was hell.

Being able to touch and taste and feel again. To get lost in Sebastian. To hear his moans, his quickened breaths, his sigh of satisfaction as he flopped back onto Kurt's bed, his customary smirk firmly back in place. Looking entirely too pleased with himself. To be able to run his hands over those tight abs, push into his thick hair to pull him closer, to cup Sebastian's ass, digging his fingers in. To kiss, and kiss, and kiss. Until he had to go shopping for a better cream to deal with the razor burn on his face and neck.

It was hours of pleasure in the darkest part of the nights, hidden away from the scrutiny of daylight. Night, after night, after night.

But there was no talking. No communication. Kurt's texts still went unanswered. If he sent them or he didn't, it didn't seem to affect whether or not Sebastian would appear late in the night. He knew Kurt's schedule and habits. Knew when Kurt would already be in bed or almost there, half-asleep on the sofa. When his defenses were weak, along with his reasoning skills. All too easy to push them aside for the pleasure at hand. And hard kisses stopped Kurt's conversation attempts as well. He was easy to distract, even though he cursed his weakness in the cool light of the mornings.

Kurt was never sure when Sebastian would show up again. Or if he ever would. Maybe it was just a moment of weakness, and he would never see Sebastian again. It made Kurt a little desperate, hungry for his touch, soaking up every sensation as if it was his last. And Sebastian matched his intensity, touch for touch, kiss for kiss.

Kurt couldn't get enough, and it seemed Sebastian felt the same, as he showed up so many nights. But then three nights would pass with no sign of him, and Kurt getting more and more anxious. Sebastian would finally show up, giving a small smirk that was part apology and part 'what are you gonna do about it'. And Kurt's intentions to yell at Sebastian flew out the window with the hot press of their lips together.

Kurt was too hungry to complain about the scraps and crumbs of attention Sebastian was feeding him. He ate it up, always looking for more, begging for more. Shameless. His pride was gone, and Sebastian had all the power.

A brush of fingers along his arm woke Kurt, and then the bed dipped as the familiar stranger crawled into his bed. Rolling onto his back, Kurt shivered under Sebastian's touch, as he ran cool fingers down his chest, making a tsk sound of disapproval when he encountered Kurt's briefs.

"From now on, sleep naked for me." Sebastian's voice was a low growl, and Kurt nodded in the darkness. Sebastian's words implied he would be coming back, coming again, and it sent a thrill through Kurt.

Impatient hands stripped Kurt quickly, before Sebastian shifted, kissing down his chest. Kurt felt thankful for the darkness, feeling self conscious of his protruding ribs and hipbones. He had been eating more lately, finally hungry since Sebastian had started these late night visits. But he hadn't gained back all the weight he'd lost during those six long weeks apart.

Sebastian's mouth was kissing over Kurt's stomach, making him arch up in response, already hard and aching. A simple look or touch from Sebastian was all it took, usually. His body knew his smell, his presence, and Kurt sunk easily into the mindless haze of sensations. Sebastian's lips teased over Kurt's erection, making him writhe and pant, as his slick fingers prepped him.

When Sebastian flipped him over onto all fours, Kurt was very ready, pushing his ass back towards him. He heard the soft tear of the condom package, and it made Kurt's heart catch. They had gotten tested and stopped using condoms in December. But since Sebastian started appearing in April, he'd used condoms. And it broke Kurt's heart a little, thinking of whom else Sebastian spent his nights with, when he wasn't with Kurt.

Even knowing that, Kurt still sighed as Sebastian pushed deep into him, savoring their physical closeness. It was always so intimate, so intense. Kurt held nothing back, pushing back hard with each of Sebastian's thrusts, needing to feel him. Wanting to be a bit sore and achy the next day. His body would match his heart.

"So good, baby, so hot and tight..." Sebastian's rough whisper twisted Kurt's arousal higher. Kurt angled his body for the best sensations, shuddering as he got closer to his own release. Could it ever feel this good, this intense, with anyone else? Kurt panted as he pushed back, needing Sebastian so bad.

A low groan signaled Sebastian's peak, and Kurt followed soon after, listening to Sebastian's chanting praise with a heavy heart. Always endearments like 'baby' or 'gorgeous'. Never Kurt. Did Sebastian even know whose bed he was in?

Too soon, Sebastian was out of the bed, pulling his clothes on. Kurt could only stare up at him, the bedcovers pulled up over his cooling skin. Talk to me... Kurt wanted to scream it out, but he was stopped by his own fears and weaknesses. He'd rather be miserable with Sebastian showing up like this, than have no Sebastian at all.

Too soon, Sebastian gave Kurt a light kiss and was out the door.

"Kurt, you should go back to Ohio for the summer." Rachel's voice jarred Kurt out of his sleepy state. They were in a cafe, studying, but the caffeine wasn't doing much good after too many late nights with Sebastian lately.

Kurt rubbed his hands over his face, trying to pull himself together. "Ohio? For a visit? Yeah, maybe in August before school starts up again."

Shaking her head, Rachel's glance was the familiar concerned look he was getting sick of seeing. "No, Kurt. Go for the whole summer. Sublet your apartment here and get a job doing a play at Summer stock or something. Anything to be away from New York for a few months."

Kurt scoffed softly. She said to be away from New York, but he knew she meant to be away from Sebastian. "I already have a full time position set up at Vogue." He sipped his coffee.

She sighed, impatient. "Kurt, you can't keep going on like this. It's unhealthy. It's bad for you."

Kurt knew it was true, but he also knew he couldn't stop.

Rachel had seen the change in Kurt this last month, happy to see Kurt was dressing more like himself and eating. She figured Sebastian was back, after catching a glimpse of a bite mark on his neck when his scarf slipped. Kurt wasn't the type to have passionate sex like that with just anyone. But Kurt wasn't talking about Sebastian.

"I'm OK, Rachel. I just need to get to bed at an earlier hour." Kurt smiled a bit to himself, thinking back to the previous night. He was sleeping naked all the time now, half-aroused as he waited for the sound of his door unlocking. Usually, he fell asleep before Sebastian arrived. But it was so good to wake up to his touch.

She moved closer, putting her hand on his arm. "No, you are not OK, Kurt. For weeks you were like a zombie, losing so much weight, barely making it through each day. But now it's like you are half-alive. It's better than you were before, but it's still not really living. A good relationship should make you feel fully alive, Kurt. Should make you happy. He should be sharing your life, not stealing moments from you. Stealing your energy, stealing your sleep."

Kurt rolled his eyes at Rachel. She made Sebastian sound like some sexual vampire. And he had the bites on his neck to prove it. He chuckled as he leaned over to kiss her cheek. "I'm fine, Rachel. Stop worrying about me."

And the next few days Rachel's words repeated again in again in his head, refusing to be ignored.

They reminded Kurt of his NYADA audition song, and the lyrics started to be an earworm. Something Kurt was singing constantly to himself..

Somebody, hold me too close,
Somebody, hurt me too deep,
Somebody, sit in my chair
And ruin my sleep
And make me aware
Of being alive,
Being alive.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

'Being Alive' from Company.