Finding History with your Flame

Chapter 11: Of The Storm In her Heart

Original Concept: ZUN and Shanghai Alice

written by: wrathie

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Back at home, I sat on the bed as I looked at the item that he left me. It was surely peculiar and as I ran my hands over it, I imagined the look on his face as he made this, carving out every single layer with his bare hands and the confused look on his face at the outcome.

[He… never was quite good at art…]

Giggling at the thought, I sniffled a bit too as I took the item and turned it upside down and left and right, just to get the feel of it.

I wanted to run my fingers all over it, every nook and cranny that his hands went over, I wanted to feel it and imagine his hands running over mine in the process.

It is peculiar, the design that made it resemble like a bento box with a weird ribbon tied on top of it. Surely he made it as a joke…

But I could not laugh at this item; this is the only thing that he left me, something that can never be replaced with all the riches in the world.

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[Change is omnipotent, but my love for him… shall not waver… as long as… as long as…]

Caressing the weird object in my hand, I lifted it up and as thou it was meant to be there in the first place, placed it on my head and with just a small tap of my fingers, it fitted perfectly and snugly on my head.

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[… I love you… alright… I love you… so, so much…]

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[Say… what will you say, if you see me like this?]

Standing up, I walked to the window and looked out towards the surroundings of my home. That particular tree that sheltered us and provided us with relief still stood stoically at me, as if showing me that our love was witnessed by him, one who existed long before me.

[…]

A freak gust of wind blew and the leaves from the trees blew off and I watched as they blew off into the darkness, just like how he left me, sudden and with nothing left when it all ended.

No lingering trace of regret, no nothing… he left me just as suddenly as he met me… just like that…

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[…]

Out of the corner of my eye, I could swore a brief, brief silhouette of our history still etched strongly on that particular tree and I stepped out of the house through the window, slowly making as less noise as possible, just like how I did in the past.

My every footstep brought my heart beating quicker and quicker as my feet sank slightly into the soft ground.

Carrying with me his last gift, I stood in front of the spot that we had engraved into our history and into our heart.

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[Don't… laugh at me okay?]

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Placing one hand on the trunk of the tree, I used the other to wear it once again.

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[Give yourself a chance…]

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That sentence, whispered to me by the wind, caught my tears just as they fell from my cheeks.

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Life goes on, as life should. Life itself had gone by itself when I had thought my life had ended.

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[Good Morning Children.]

Smiling and welcoming them in, I was happy that they looked eager to learn and seemed unshaken by the event that had rocked my world.

Time and life goes on, no matter what.

No one can truly stop time permanently, change too will forever be with us…

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There has been a youkai attack that left us with two empty seats. The children were not shaken however and they insisted that they went to a better place…

Brave children… may they be blessed.

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Life, as I said… went on…

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[Hey…]

It has become quite a habit for us to meet at the bamboo grove after the incident every night. She was always there and it set my mind at ease to actually see her every night.

It is a sorrowful thing, to admit that he is gone… but at the same time, without him, my life could not begin and end the way it did.

I… loved him, and will always do, as long as his memento stays on my head…

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That goes the same for her… seeing her everyday, makes me feel… a little happy and sad.

The person that had changed my life was perhaps her and not him. It was her that made me draw more interest in the surroundings around me.

It was her who comforted me in the darkest time of my life.

It was her who pulled me from death's grip and told me to live on.

He was the driving force, she is the main cause of the force…

Such irony… could I call it irony? I don't know..

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[… You look ridiculous no matter how I look at it.]

[Oh shush… you look funny too… you would look so nice with a ponytail… and if you would comb a little…]

Chiding her, I giggled as I pulled at her hair, which was to her ankles now and started running my hand through it to smoothen it a bit.

[Nah, what's the use for that, not like I meet anyone else here…]

[You see me… and I've always wanted to look presentable…]

[… Tsk… not like I'm attractive to you, or something… am I?]

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Grinning mischievously, she leaned her head closer to me and knocked her forehead against mine a moment later with a wicked grin on her face.

[Just. Kidding. Not like I'll ever ever fall for anyone… nor do anything for anyone…]

[…]

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Looking at her, her confident smile on her face and the way she lit up a small flame in her hands while looking at the stars above her, I sense something akin to loneliness and fierce independence from her.

Strongly she would contend that she need no one, obey no one… have obligations to no one.

But deep down, she is human… not youkai, but more human than a youkai can ever hope to be.

Her strength and powers made people shun her and through the many ages she told me of, fantastic stories of her never ending journey and eventually her settling in Gensokyo, has told me that…

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Loneliness nurture strength and independence. Just like our earlier ancestors, our strengths come from being force to endure hardship, to live by the elements, live on the fear that every moment we would leave the world, accomplishing nothing, not leaving a mark in this world.

This girl, this immortal youkai girl had left her mark in the world.

Even if it is just being labeled as the Fire-Causing youkai or the fact that she saved an entire village from fire, she had made her impact on the world.

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Yet, she is still human…

Still, very much human…

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[What's wrong…?]

Tilting her head, she blanched when she saw me lying on her hair with my eyes closed.

[h-Hey!]

It was deliberate of me, to fall asleep this way, I wanted to keep her with me… just like I had planned it all along.

I wish I had, I wish I could… but I did not…

[Don't sleep on me! HEY!]

But, I would not have it any other way, in some aspects, I had played my cards well for that night…

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[Stupid…]

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Life went on, as it should and although I could feel my heart crying out in loneliness and in pain whenever I passed by his grave, which was erected near my home, I felt a little better each time I successfully consoled and cajoled myself to live on and to fulfill his wish for me to live happily ever after.

This was not a fairy tale and neither will or should it end the way all fairy tales end.

There will never be a, 'and she lived happily ever after' ending for me, not with him gone.

All I could do was to live my life as cheerfully as I could, living my life a day at a time… Never quite avoiding the future nor looking very far into it as well.

Life was easy going and casual, just the way it seem to make sense to me.

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[…?]

A few months into my grieving, advances by the village men suddenly and abruptly started in earnest.

I did not notice it at first but the village men have suddenly noticed me and were hot on my heels trying to gain my favor.

Normally I would be flattered but in this situation, where my love has just left me, I could not be bothered by their advances.

What was I, just an animal for display?

Back when I was still keeping to myself, I was nothing more than just a small worthless weed in a beautiful garden of blooming flowers.

But now, after I was discovered and nurtured to who I am by him, the lowly weed had became a beautiful and striking flower that made everyone else pale in comparison.

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The flattery I received was up to no bounds, I received a poem of love every single day from every single man in the village for a couple of weeks.

But I was not moved, I was infuriated by them only I did not show it out of courtesy to them.

The act of just opening my window would invite a love song coming from one of those lowly lowlifes and it took a great deal of restraint from me not to throw something out of my window.

That period of my life was horrible, I was close to losing my temper every single day and every time it was the village elder who persuaded them to leave.

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It was him too who made life bearable for me every weekend, we would sit in his home and play chess every weekend following the death of my love.

He understood my needs of having some solitude and having something to occupy my mind and to ignore my sorrow.

I was tempted to tell him that I was the little girl he had met during her childhood as he related to me a story of his childhood where the heroine was undoubtedly me.

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[… she is… someone that I always wanted to be, Kamishirasawa. Perhaps, that is why I felt responsible for you….]

[Elder?]

Bewildered by his words, I waited patiently as I pushed my knight forward to have his next move totally locked down.

[The way my son let you down… reminded me of how I let her down, the little girl that I swore I would protect…]

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[!]

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Without noticing, I had stood up and I was shaking my head at him in disbelief.

Here was a person who had sworn to protect me, all those years ago and he still remembered his solemn promise to me.

Being the head of the Kamishirasawa House and with the role of protecting and recording Gensokyo's history, I had never ever forgotten his promise, I had simply found it not important till this very moment.

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[Don't cry…]

[*sniff… *sniff]

[I'll protect ya, the others are just jealous!]

[*sniff…]

[Look at this! I got this for you?]

[?]

[Like it? It's my lucky rock. I'm going to give it to you, so don't cry kay?]

[-nods-]

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The scene replayed in my mind, me the crying and helpless maiden while he was the savior. Perhaps it is fate that the same story would be reenacted…

I was young then, preferring to 'reincarnate' myself rather than to modify the villager's memories of who I am… I remained aware of who I was and of my previous memories but I just had to play my part, of the young girl who was constantly bullied and was a crybaby.

He had discovered me then and protected me from the first moment he met me.

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[… I'm sure she believed in you till the end…]

The little girl she knew had died in a young age due to a sickly body due to some complications on the decision of the Kamishirasawa house and I was instructed to modify the memories of the villagers to appear as the eldest daughter of the Kamishirasawa House and I've had remained that way ever since.

I never once knew that the Elder would be so concerned about me, the little girl he had said he wanted to protect that he would associate me with her…

My fate and his fate seem to be intertwined no matter where I looked and for now, I was happy to let it be that way.

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[Thank you, Kamishirasawa…]

[No, thank you, elder… for… all you've done…]

[… We are family… there is no need for thanks…]

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In some bizarre and twisted way, I came to rely on the Elder. Not for his experience or for his advice but his tenderness. If I had high intelligence quotient, he had a high emotional quotient.

He was understanding to my needs and seemed to perceive what I was thinking before I acted, countless times he paid a visit on me when I was on the verge of losing my patience with the endless suitors and politely asked them to leave.

An equal amount of time he appeared when I was considering on taking my own life or to rewrite history like I had wanted to do before.

Despair was common to me for the first few months despite me trying my best to live my life normally and cheerfully.

She, the immortal girl was a great presence and a great figure for me to cling to for an excuse to live but every tiny thing tends to remind me of him every so often, too often in fact that I was lying to myself, saying that I was living my life normally…

I was not…

I never lived my live… normally after he left…

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I would collapse on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably after school every night… I would attempt to slash my veins if not for the elder and the immortal girl taking away all the knifes in my house.

I would stand for hours staring at his grave till either one of them shake me out of it.

He would be the one who would pull the covers over me even as I screamed out loud in my nightmares.

He and her wife would visit me every day, to see if I was fine and to repeatedly tell me it was not my fault.

Guilt was eating through me and it was their words which constantly dragged me away from the bottomless pit of my own despair.

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If not for them, I would have left this world long ago… and being inwardly so selfish and weak and cowardly, I had came to depend on them, just like how I depended on him..

I refused to admit it at first, but now I can safely say that I am depending on them…

My life revolved around them, sucking them dry… sucking the life out of them like a parasite…

I was pulling them away from the social circle and their own hobbies, their own routine and most importantly, their inner center of control…

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Inwardly I had perhaps wanted them to rely on me just like I rely on them.

I have… tentatively found a reason for me to live…. That is to see them every day but I was afraid too… afraid that if they left, I would be left alone again.

Being with him had breed in me an innate fear of losing anyone dear to me, but this was not the same feeling…

They were precious to me yes, but did they feel the same way to me?

Will they feel the same if I was gone?

Would they mourn for me? Or would they just shed a few tears and forget me as life continues?

I… I did not want that!

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I grieved for my love and I knew he would grieve for me if I left before him… I wanted him to grieve, to forever remember me…

But, was that not selfish of me?

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I had changed, change so much that my mind could not keep up with my own thoughts. I knew I am selfish, I knew I was afraid that they would leave me, I knew…

I KNEW

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But there was nothing I can do… I was twisted, broken beyond repair and only by doing this can I return to my normal life, my normal demeanor without breaking down.

Yet, I wanted them to be like who he is, to love me, like I love them… even thou my love was twisted.. .I wanted them to…

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[I just… want someone to love me… to care about me… to… accept me… -sobs-]

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[…]

History, what is history?

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The recording of all of what had happened in the past…

Editing the past so it says the truth…

Putting a slice of life into a book, letting others know what happened in this date and in this land..

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That is history, the study of events, lifestyles and important, life defining moments in the track of time.

There is a theory that, time itself is never ending and that, time is always repeating itself, the only way we differentiate the past from the present is, through history.

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It is like a circular field, no matter how we run, we will return to the same spot. That is time, a fabric in reality that does not allow one to return through time.

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Going back in time? That is impossible… one cannot return to a place that does not exist in reality anymore.

One cannot change history, one can only know of the past events through history and that is why we historian exists, to let others know of the past.

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People will age, people will change. This is the same for items, the seedling will grow to a tree, a rugged stone will be smoothened after time.

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(Author's Note: I'm assuming Keine does not know Sakuya at this point of time, but just to point out, Sakuya can age things but not turn back time, thus making Keine's theory JUST a little more believable)

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But, when all that is said, I have the ability to change history. I, as the head of the Kamishirasawa house and having the power of a Hakutaku, have the power to modify and eat history.

I can wipe anyone from history, to make them never exist in history and subsequently never exist at all. If one's memories is the best thing to remember a person by, then history is it's evil twin.

It has the power to modify one's memory of a person, alter the small facts about a person to make him/her a totally different person.

Changing history is not a big deal as someone might think, does altering history change the world?

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It might and it might not…

How significant is the event? How important is the change?

But the most important part in changing history is that, it will only affect details of history, a small change in a conversation, the mysterious disappearance of a person…

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All these are details and as I write this down, it might be altered already… countless lines I have written might have been erased from history or altered to find a different meaning, but it does not have any bearing on the present, not at all.

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The disappearance of a person might seem a big affair and it has the right to if you are the affected party or has known the person.

But in reality, it is does not have much of an impact in history. A person disappearing will not end the world but it does create a gap in people's memory.

Who is my father? Who is the father of my child? Where has he gone? When has he gone?

All these question float into mind, in theory.

But it does happen this way.

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Remember what I wrote before? That a person's memory is the best thing to remember things by? I could not and cannot change a person's memory through my power. I can only influence the person's memory through my power of eating and changing history.

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The people who have memories of the person will not be affected by my power, at least not directly. In the present, they will not sense the change despite me eating their history or altering their history.

What happened will happen and there is nothing I can do to change the fact.

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But, I will have sway over their future and to everyone else. My actions can and will change everyone's perspective of a person or an event in an uncontrollable way.

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I have already done this so many times, changing the way the people view of me, changing my appearance so I look the part, fit in with the village and never appear out of place.

Sure, there are some who did not quite believe I was the person I was taking the place off but more often than not, I would plant false history into the history of the village, thereby creating an existence in me.

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[… will you forgive me?]

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Asking him in front of his final resting place, I place my hand on my chest and tried to imagine him doing that while hugging me from the back.

He was prone to do that as he claims he like to see my flustered expression, something which I absolutely detests. Right now however, I would give anything in the world if he would do just that….

I can never change the history that he loved me… I would not allow that, never would I allow my love to be tarnished.

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Neither can I remake history so that I had died of loneliness right now…

It would be against his wish for me to live on for his sake.

I am so weak, just wanting to escape from the reality of his death; perhaps by leaving here I could lessen the pain somewhat.

I will change history again, just like the many times I have done this few months after his death. I have changed history so that I would appear to be coping fine to stop the elder from visiting my home as much as he wants to. I have subtly changed my history so that I have a weak and frail body and this might actually work in my favor.

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I would change history so that I would leave this home, leave the haunting memories of him and maybe, just maybe I might find it a little easier to bear without seeing traces of his shadow in my home everyday.

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With my other self away from the village, I would not be greeted with the same looks of pity or looks of admiration from them.

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[… I'll have to leave, I'm sorry…]

Wiping away the tears from my eyes, I closed my eyes, raised my hands and prepared to unleash my power under the full moon.

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[… goodbye…]

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Author's Notes: Honestly, I have no idea what was going through my mind when I wrote this.