TODAY'S SETTING: Zuko/Iroh's old apartment, which is being used as a temporary residence/hotel for the Royal Family of the F.N.

TODAY'S (unwilling) GUEST: Prince Zuko!

Everybody, including Zuko, is gathered around the couch, where a nauseous Azula is lying next to the mail bag.

Mai and Ty Lee are playing with an old Ouija board. Zapper is eating buffalo wings.

GHOST OF SOZIN: Hello, Zapper. I see you're eating buffalo wings. You know, after I took over the air temple, I slaughtered all the flying bisons and made REAL buffalo wings. Heh heh! Yes sir-ee! We called 'em "limited-edition buffalo wings", and we ate 'em at the Agni Kai Championship with blue-cheese dressing. Good times.

ZAPPER: Wow! I didn't know you enjoyed buffalo wings.

GHOST OF SOZIN: Heh heh! There's a lot you don't know, outsider!

OZAI: (Slaps Zapper on the back.) Outsider? Zapper is the fictional internet destroyer that allegedly knocked up my evil daughter! In MY book, that makes you family!

(They all laugh merrily and have a toast, congratulating themselves on being the kings of the world.)

AZULA: (Sick.) Not so loooooud.

ZUKO: (Sings loudly.) FIRE LORD, MY HEART BURNS FOR THEE!!!

OZAI: I always knew he was gay.

ZUKO: Dad, it's the National Anthem.

OZAI: I knew that.

AZULA: SHUT UP!

ZAPPER: Would you like to answer some letters, my poisonous blossom?

AZULA: (Burp.) Sure. Why not? It'll help pass the time until we get the results of my pregnancy test… as if I don't already know.

Dear Azula,
What will you name a child that would be yours if Zapper comes back with a positive pregnancy test? Also, aren't you only 14, I checked the internet, but you know how unreliable that can be... Take care!
Teh Queen of Randomness
P.S. Ty Lee, I am ready to accept the task that has been put upon me...

Dear Queen, I will name my daughter Shiva, after Shiva the Destroyer. I can tell it'll be a girl because it hurts like a… female dog. Oh, and I'm 14. Yeah. It's great. Instead of going to the Sweetheart's Dance, I'll be sweating bullets in a maternity ward. Can't wait.

TY LEE: A task? What task?

AZULA: You want a task? Get over here and rub my feet.

Azula.
I hate you more than anything. you are a wimp. you needed your brother's help to TRY and defeat aang. not to mention the dai li assisted u aswell. Oh yeah, Zuko is way cooler than you, b/c he actually cares about his family. including u, retard. oh, and your mother did not hate u, she had a heart, which is much diff than u or ur dad. you are ugly. what would you do if someone controlled u in sme way, and made you help the avatar?
And how do you play Avatar: eSCAPE from the Spirit world?
PS i m not one of zuko's fan girls.
PSS Aang is awesome!
PS KATAANG and MAIKO ROCK!

Dear 4eva, You seriously think I'm going to give you game advice after THAT string of insults? Go fly a kite.

ZUKO: She said I was cool! Cooler than you!

OZAI: Really? I think you suck, and I'm your FATHER.

ZUKO: What was that, father?

OZAI: You're the coolest thing ever!

ZUKO: Aw, dad! 3

Dear Princess Azula,

Are you taking applications for a new evil assistant? I'm just asking since I've torched my home village, there's absolutely NOTHING to do in this godforsaken, burnt-down crater. And if that isn't enough of an evil resume:
Torched own hometown (already stated, but still).
Boiled brother alive before killing him with the equivalant of a toaster in a tub full of water.
Saved sister from bullies just to torture the little rat herself.
Extorted money from Bill Gates (Not really evil, but is he gonna miss a couple million bucks?)
Electrocuted at least 19 people she's seen reading "World Domination for Dummies. (Again, not evil, but do we really need those idiots messing things up for the rest of us?)
A question for Zuzu: Have you ever considered reading this book I like to call "The dumba's guide to being an idiot"? That is, if you can even understand the pre-preschool ideals the book has to offer.
From a crater in the ground filled with eternal darkness
Dark Rose
P.S. I never say anything like this, but I just injured my head again recently, so while the mushy feeling lasts, good luck with the whole possible-baby-on-the-way drama. If the kid comes out anything like you, the world will be a darker place, and in my opinion, darker is better.

Dear Rose, You've got an impressive resume, dear. Not bad. I'll expect you first thing tomorrow morning. Bring a notepad, paper, and one standard-size axe.

Zuko's response: Filthy peasant! I can certainly read! And in two different languages as well!

Dear Princess Azula,
Unlike most letters I've read I'm actually asking for advice. My little brother isn't sure whether to ship Kataang or Zutara. How do I convince him to ship the later? Oh, and no threats please.

Dear Royal Buthead Prince Zuko,
I know every fangirl and Zutarian in the universe is going to ask this but,HOW THE COULD YOU PICK YOUR SISTER WHOSE BEEN AFTER YOU FOR THE PAST FEW MONTHS (Not that I hold it against you Azula) OVER YOUR UNCLE AND KATARA (who you obviously like)! Or are you planning something with your uncle and hurting innocent Katara was just necessary. If you wonder why I suspect this it's because before you betrayed Iroh (if you really did)he was trapped in the crystal catacomb and I doubt he could have gotten out on his own.

Sincerely,
Kohroxmysox

P.S. Tell Destroyer and Ty Lee I say hi
P.S.S. Tell Mai hi and that she doesn't stand a chance with Zuko.

Dear Sox, you can convince your brother using simple logic. Point out Aang's good deeds and benevolence towards humanity and ask him, doesn't Aang deserve happiness? (My personal opinion is NO---TIE HIM DOWN AND FORCE FEED HIM MEATLOAF, but…) Shouldn't he be with the person he loves? Ship Kataang! Go ahead! He can ship more than one ship! But point out Zuko's pussy tenancies and idiocy. What the hell has Zuko done for anyone? Hell, he won't even help himself! He deserves eternal punishment with Katara! Ship Zutara! SHIP ZUTARA!

Zuko's response: I have a duty to my country! To my father! That's more important then keeping some peasant happy! (I did feel sorry for her though.) And how dare you imply that I have something planned to betray father! As for Uncle… I don't want to talk about him!

Dear Prince Zuko,
Does it bother you that you and Katara will never be together? Do you like caramel? Whats your favorite kind of ice cream?

And Azula, instead of dying your hair caramel blonde (don't get me wrong, beautiful color) i think you would make red look beautiful. Oh and good luck with being pregnant. I you would make a great mom. Just go easy with the punishments. Childhood doesnt last all that long.
Much Love,
FloatingGoddess

Dear Goddess,

I thank you for the well-wishing, and I would look good with red hair. I'm bringin' sexy back.

Zuko: I'm going to marry a noble, well-mannered lady of the Fire Nation, as per my upbringing and social status. Katara can go marry another peasant, like she's supposed to. Oh, and I do like caramel, on top of chocolate chip mint ice cream.

MAI: Zuko… I'm a noble lady… from the F.N… hint hint marry ME…

ZUKO: Did anyone else hear that weird sound? Must've been the wind.

MAI: Sigh.

TY LEE: Mai! Mai! The Ouija board! It's glowing and vibrating and spelling out words!!

MAI: Really? Usually it only tells me to kill myself.

TY LEE: LOOK!

OUIJA BOARD: (Spells out) AZULA YOU ARE DESTINED TO GIVE BIRTH TO THE ANTI-CHRIST!

ZAPPER: A simple pink mark on the test strip would've sufficed.

OUIJA: FURTHERMORE, IT'LL HAPPEN ON ANTI-CHRISTMAS! HAVE A NICE DAY!

AZULA: I thought I was the Anti-Christ. (Suddenly starts sobbing.)

ZAPPER: There, there. Just think: when people put together their Anti-Christmas nativity sets, you'll be one of the figurines! And so will I! Cool!

AZULA: B-B-But…

ZAPPER: Ssh. C'mon, it's not so bad. With the drugs they've got nowadays, you won't even know you're in labor.

AZULA: But I'll probably end up having to give birth in an innkeeper's barn!

OZAI: The Anti-Christ, eh? You knocked her up good, son-in-law!

ZAPPER: Yeah. Guess I did.

AZULON: Gimme a high-five!

SOZIN: Have a shot, son, it's on me.

(They all laugh and toast each other. Again.)

AZULA: I feel like the butt of some man's perpetually repeating joke.

Dear Twit,
Are your nails fake? Because I thought I saw some glue-ons! How did you feel when Katara cut of your hair! How come you can beat Zuko, but not Katara?!? Hmm?!?
-danyan
P.S. If you call me Dan again, I will be forced to kill you. I know where you live. coughearthkingdomcough
P.S.S. Did I annoy you enough?
P.S.S. Your name spelled backwards is Aluza. How do you feel being called a loser?

Dear DANNY BOY,

I am HARDLY a loser—I'm giving birth to the freakin' ANTI-CHRIST! So you can go fk off!

OZAI: Geez, Azula, you really can rant when you want to.

Hey zula,
i did not technically slander ok its not my fault your fiance has a website called "my darling all powerful fire princess azula.FN" which has a little thing called"cute little things she does"...wait i'm not supposed ta tell ya that...umm forget all that.anyway hows life in ba sing sa?oh and did ya give iroh tea while he's in prison?
Dear zuzu,
what is your favorite shipping?

Dear Dragon,

I'm actually aware of my fiance's website. It's charming, isn't it? Life in Ba-Sing-Se is a bit boring, but very lavish and comfortable. We're going to have to hurry and declare it as Fire Nation territory so that I can give birth to my baby on Fire Nation soil—this is a requirement for being royalty. Oh, and I gave Uncle tea… stone cold tea. I've got to keep him alive.

Zuko: I ship Aang x Katara, Ursa x Ozai, and Zuko x Home. (My OTP)

OZAI: Aw. My son ships me with my wife. Well, anyway, those are good pairings, even if only two of them are actually going to happen.

ZUKO: What did you say, father?

OZAI: I said you're the best, son!

ZUKO: My daddy loves me! IN YOUR FACE FANDOM!

Princess Azula,
First of all, you need a title that says something more along the lines of "I will stare at you and you will crumble into dust", rather than "I'm a fluffy pink princessy!" Anyway, have you realized that you are a sociopath-someone who can't love and doesn't feel guilt? (Same with your dad) Umm... might want to hide this one from Zapper... well, you can still, um, enjoy spending time...with him...as was demonstrated in an earlier episode... ahem moving on... Congrats on your engagement to zapper! minus the whole not-love-thing... and if you are pregnant, congratulations on that too! Anyway, can I help plan your wedding/baby shower? We can serve roast captive and chocolate milk, have burnt roses as decorations, and if you have a baby shower, give the baby little board books on world domination and how to be evil! Ahh, good times...
P.S. Ty Lee, I love you. As a friend... E! Youre awesome!
P.P.S. Mai, I love you too. Same as above. E! you're awesome too but in a more manic depressive way...
P.P.P.S. Zuko, I love you too. E! youre...REALLY REALLY HOT! EAHHEIAHlksfd choke
Oh and by the way, Zuko, you do know that Azula's totally using you, right? And that your dad's never gonna give you your honor back considering the whole sociopath thing... So basically she's going to betray you any minute now, and probably kill you.
By the way, Azula, I'm usually more evil than this. I just ate a couple too many brownies... so you won't have a care bear themed wedding or anything. I think.

Dear Lillie,

On the contrary, I want to have the title "princess". Instead of letting it define ME, I want to redefine the term. And I am aware that I am more or less a sociopath… but I enjoy consummating with Zapper.

Yes, I'm pregnant, and as such you may design the wedding/baby shower. However, DO NOT make the mistake Ty Lee made in Episode One. You'll end up eating a string of lights. Ugly ones with Santa Claus heads on 'em.

TY LEE: I love you too, Lillie! I especially love your name!

MAI: Wow. Somebody actually knows I'm alive. I appreciate it, Lillie.

ZUKO: Well… ahem… thank you. ((Blush)) But why would father betray me? Father, you love me, right?

OZAI: No.

ZUKO: What?

OZAI: I mean "yes". I really do love you in a very literal, real, and completely genuine, not-fake way.

ZUKO: Haha! See?

Dear Fire Empress Azula,
I hope you are feeling better now. Hopefully things go okay for you and Destroyer. Congrats by the way!
I'm glad you liked the dress, because I have something that goes along with it.
(Reveals a golden crown with flames of many colors going around it with a ruby gem in the front center)
Hope you like that, Fire Empress.
And thanks for answering my question about the blue fire thing. As for invisible fire abilities, what do you think of the name "Phantom Flame"?
Also, are you the only firebender to ever make blue fire? Maybe your dad has, but has anyone else ever done that?
For Mai: I didn't get an answer to my question for you last time. Have you thought of taking archery along with your shuriken-throwing?
For Ty Lee: A dozen children? Hope Sokka's up to that... Got any names in mind? As for your pressure point attacks, did you watch Naruto for that? Neji and Hinata both know where to hit their opponents, so I was wondering if that's where you got it from.
Azula, before I end this, I have one more gift for you.
(Reveals a gigantic dragon with emerald and gold scales with glowing red eyes)
It's your new pet dragon, God-Freakin-Zilla! I've trained him to listen to your voice only. He breathes fire of many colors, so you'll like him. And he'll allow you to stand on his head, too.
Have fun terrorizing the Avatar!
I bid you farewell, Fire Empress.
Sapphire Wolf Master

Dear Wolf,

Thanks for the well-wishing and thank you very much for the crown—it's beautiful. THANK YOU for God-freakin-zilla. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH. I love it!

Oh, and "Phantom Flame" is a very apt name indeed. I'll think I'll use that expression now. And no, I am not the only firebender to create blue fire. Iroh did that some years before me. It's rare, but not impossible.

MAI: Archery sounds okay, but I like shuriken-throwing way better. Just lift your sleeve and KA-CHING! Dead.

TY LEE: I don't know what Naruto is. Does it come with fries? As for a dozen children, I'm sure Sokka will be up to the task. GIGGLE!

OZAI: A dozen children? Pfft. If Ursa was still around, we'd have a dozen kids a year. Those ovaries of hers would have to get it into high gear with me around!

(Ozai, his father, and his grandfather laugh.)

ZUKO: Father! Is that entirely proper to say…?

AZULON: It's obvious Ozai at least got his superhuman fertility from me!

SOZIN: Which you got from me!

ZUKO: Grandfathers! Have some propriety!

ZAPPER: Have a beer!

(Big cheer)

Dear Queen Azula

Since Zapper claimed you he can also claim the bill for the gifts I sent you. (ten trillion for the diamond ring, one hundred thousand for the dress and ninety thousand for the lingere) Oh for for The rightfull Ruler Prince Zuko one hundred navel ships to help you take back your honor cause we all know you dad is a hard ass.

Love Kai

Dear Kai,

Uh… how about no?

ZUKO: I don't need your help! Father wants me back. He cares about me, thank you very much.

Dear Azula,

People like to match songs to your lives. What song would you put to your life?
I have a question for Ty Lee. After I started obsessing with Avatar, my aura turned white. Does that have a significant meaning to it?
Sincerely,
SylverEyes

Dear Sylver,

I match the song "Maneater" by Nelly Furtado to my life.

TY LEE: A white aura indicates purity and peace on the positive side. Negatively, it can mean emptiness or lack of joy. So, positively, Avatar brings you happiness and positive feelings of joy. Negatively, you are suffering from Avatar Withdrawal Syndrome due to the appalling lack of episodes. Glad to help! GIGGLE!

SOZIN: "Maneater", eh?

OZAI: Hahahahahaha!

ZUKO: So improper.

Dear almighty,amazing and totlally awesome princess Azula,
A couple of questions.1.How would you take it if you found out you were pregnant?2.How many kids will you have with Destroyer?
3.If Ty-lee or Mai (though I don't think she would since she probably wouldn't care) how would you kill them?4.How do you plan on killing the Avatar and his gang?5.Do you think it is likely that Zuko will betray you and go and teach the Avatar firebending.
sincereley,
Kataang fan.
P.S. Hope you don't find this questions annoying.
P.S.S. Has your clothing/personal possessions ever caught fire while you were firebending? Rox

Dear Rox,

-----Already found out. And I guess I'm okay with it.

-----How many kids? That depends on how bad this childbirth stuff is gonna hurt. I'll decided from there.

-----They've been loyal friends---well somewhat loyal---and will therefore receive a proper beheading.

-----I'll kill the Avatar as quickly and efficiently as possible.

----Zuko betray me? Please. He hasn't even managed to pick up on the fact that Father hates his guts.

-----I accidentally lit Zappers underthings on fire while we… yeah…

DEAR Azula,

Since you have a relationship I bet your trying to show off since Tylee has a crush on someone that is already spoken for and Mai likes Zuko who looks like he doesn't have time for a relationship, wouldn't you help them. It's nice to be charitable but I probably expect you to be cruel and let them be jealous.

Dear Chain,

You are absolutely right! WE HAVE A WINNER!

(Meanwhile, the Firelords are having a sing-a-long in honor of Zapper)

ALL: For he's a jolly good fellow, For he's a jolly good fellow, For he's a jolly good fellow!!!!

AZULA: Until next time!

ZUKO: Farewell.

AZULA: Shut up.