Chapter 11- Grief and Loss
Joss lay on the ground in a semi-fetal position with her head in Fusco's lap, gripping his coat, sobbing, "Tibor's dead! I'm losing our baby! John's going to hate me! He asked me to stop and I didn't listen!"
Fusco held her hand, "Joss, no shhhhh, John won't hate you. He's nuts about you."
"He'll break our bond because I killed our baby!" she wailed.
"You didn't kill the baby. We'll get you to the hospital and everything'll be fine," Fusco desperately tried to reassure the frantic woman. But Fusco himself was struggling; Joss was broadcasting her distress so loudly in her panicked state that he was having trouble maintaining his own equilibrium. Her fear and pain bludgeoned his Wolf sense like baseball bat. He knew he had to remain calm; if he didn't, Joss would pick up on his emotions and she would spiral out of control. She was on the edge of complete hysteria already.
Fusco almost cried with relief when Reese burst through the door to the roof. John's full attention was focused on his mate as she lay bleeding. He was projecting love and calmness at her with everything he had and Fusco marveled at the man's control. With his mating bond with Joss, he had to be feeling her pain and grief more than any of them, but he gave no sign that he felt anything but calm. His intense focus was concentrated on his precious mate and Fusco felt it begin to work. Joss slowly began to settle down as John approached.
John dropped to his knees when he reached them and gathered his love into his arms, murmuring soothing words to her.
"I'm so sorry, John, you were right, you were right about everything," Joss sobbed, calmer but still bereft, convinced she was losing the baby. She burrowed her face in his chest, gripping the lapel of his coat like it was a life ring, crying quietly.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. It's my fault. I should have helped you look for Tibor instead trying to lock you away." John said, keeping his voice soft and low as Joss sobbed into his shirt. He gently stroked her hair and kissed her the top of her head. "You wouldn't be my Joss if you hadn't tried to save him."
John briefly turned to Fusco, "Call an ambulance and go downstairs to wait for them."
Fusco scrambled to go; he never thought he would be so grateful to put a little bit of distance between himself and his partner. Joss was his favorite person in the world, next to his own son, but he knew he was close to losing his cool. Fusco always had been good at understanding his limitations and he knew the best thing he could do right now was let John handle her.
Fusco passed Shaw on his way down to the street. She was leaning against a wall outside the apartment where the Wolf Hunters had been hiding out. She was pale and Fusco could tell that Joss's highly emotional broadcasting had deeply affected her too.
"What the hell is going on up there?" She gasped out.
"Joss thinks she's losing the baby; there's an ambulance on the way," Fusco said curtly as he hurried past her. Shaw's eyes opened wide in shock and she quickly followed Fusco down the stairs to the street to wait for the ambulance.
Up on the roof, John was using every calming technique he knew to keep himself under control and support his frantic mate.
"I'm so sorry, John; I should have listened to you." She sobbed. She lifted her head from his chest and looked up at him with tears running down her cheeks. "Please don't hate me."
Her pleading eyes nearly broke his heart. John held her close, "I could never hate you," he whispered fiercely to her.
Joss dropped her head back down, "I lost Tibor and I'm losing our baby."
John placed a finger under her chin and gently lifted, forcing her to look up at him. "No, the baby will be fine, I can feel it. But you need to remain calm; take deep breaths, honey." Joss drew in a ragged breath. John gently nuzzled her, "That's right, you're going to be OK."
Joss tried desperately to calm herself, but the pain reminded her at every breath that their child was in grave danger.
Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, Fusco guided an ambulance crew to the roof. John scooped Joss up in his arms and placed her on the gurney like she was weightless. She absolutely refused to let go of him and he had to ride in the ambulance with her to the Wolf Clinic where Dr. Cho was waiting for them.
Once they reached the clinic, Joss was wheeled into the emergency room at top speed. Dr. Cho gently placed his hand over Joss's where she had a death grip on her mate. "Joss, listen to me, I need to examine you, but we can't work unless you relax. John will be right outside, I promise."
Joss looked up at John fearfully. John gently kissed her forehead, "I promise, I'm not going anywhere. You're not alone."
Joss reluctantly relaxed her grip and John moved to the door of the room. Just before he exited, he turned and looked at her. The look on her face nearly broke his heart; she looked so sad and lost. He gave his best smile, mouthed the words I love you and left her in the care of the medical professionals.
John paced the waiting room anxiously until Finch, Fusco and Taylor joined him. Finally Dr. Cho emerged from the examining room and the group crowded around him to hear the diagnoses.
"Joss has a placental abruption," Dr. Cho stated calmly. "Basically this means the placenta separates from the wall of the uterus. Fortunately it's only a partial abruption, so we don't have to do an emergency C-section, but I am going to keep her here for observation, at least for few days until I know the baby is OK and she isn't going to have any more complications."
Cho paused and looked puzzled, "I had to sedate her, she was so upset and broadcasting so loudly that my Wolf staff had trouble working on her. What happened out there?"
John looked grim, "One of our cases went very, very wrong and a teenager died. Joss tried to save him, but she couldn't hold on."
Cho shook his head, "Knowing our Alpha gal in there, that's going to just about destroy her. I'll try to keep her sedated for tonight and give her a chance to rest. Lionel, you'll have to notify your department that she is on medical leave as of right now. She can't go back to work until after the baby is born. She has a good chance of carrying to term and delivering normally, but only if she stays off her feet and stays quiet."
"Can I see her?" John asked quietly.
Dr. Cho nodded, "Of course. She's going to be groggy."
John nodded and entered the room. Joss was laying on the gurney propped up in sitting position with her eyes closed. The nurse smiled cheerfully at him and left the room to give them their privacy. Afraid that she might be asleep already, John quietly approached the bed and took her hand. He was surprised by how cold it was and he raised it to his lips to kiss.
Joss opened her eyes and looked up at him with a forlorn expression on her face. "I wasn't sure if I was going to see you again after what I did," she said softly as a tear rolled down her cheek.
John tenderly wiped the tear away. "I could never leave you; you're my anchor."
Another tear drop trickled down her cheek. "I almost killed our baby," she whispered.
John brushed the tear away again, "You were trying to save another child."
She choked up, "I failed."
John held her cold hand to his cheek. "No one could have saved him. They destroyed him, not you."
Joss didn't reply, she closed her eyes and let the sedative carry her to sleep while John stared helplessly at her.
In the days that followed, Joss sank into a deep depression. While she healed physically, losing Tibor and then nearly losing her unborn child came perilously close to destroying her emotionally.
Joss was lost in her grief and helplessness. And because she was so lost, she was unable to deal with the highly charged emotions of the rest of team. After the violence of the Wolf Hunters, Tibor's suicide and the near loss of her baby, it was all too much for her. John had previously worried about how her sensitivity to the emotions of others could affect her, and he had been right to do so. She had been so overwhelmed by all the feeling of grief and loss that she been forced to shut down in self-defense. Once she did, she found it exceedingly difficult to reconnect with her own emotions and with her loved ones.
Carter's depression cast a gloom over the entire team. She was the heart of the team and the members all felt lost to varying degrees without her practical empathy and morality to guide them during cases. Team Machine's moral center was down for the count and they were flailing in the void she had left behind. The bad guys of New York bore the brunt of the team's loss. Many more kneecaps were shot than were necessary and more heads were slammed against walls than were needed.
Finch glared down at Shaw, like a father glaring at an errant child. Shaw glared back just as angrily.
"Miss Shaw, we have talked this," Finch began as he stepped over a body.
"No, you mean you talked. Can it, Finch. I'm not in the mood. Don't call me, I'll call you when I feel like it." Shaw spun and stalked off while Finch stared at her helplessly.
Reese made a move as if to follow her. "I'll bring her back if I have to drag her," he snarled, his voice dripping with menace.
Finch grabbed Reese's arm, "No, John, please. Let her go. Emotions are running high right now. Let's not do anything we will regret later. Shaw is just upset over Joss."
Reese stopped dead in his tracks and sat down heavily on a nearby planter. "I'm sorry, Finch," he sighed. "I don't know what came over me just now. I would have wrung Shaw's neck."
Finch sat down, "I know John, you're worried about Joss. We all are." Finch turned and looked at the retreating back of Sam Shaw. "We all are," he repeated softly.
John rubbed his hands over his face and then sat leaning forward with his forearms resting on his knees. "You're right. I am. She's not herself, she's slipping away from me, and I don't know how to help her…I don't know how to bring her back to me."
"All you can do is be there for her, she has to work through her grief." Finch laid a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder.
"That's my fault. If I had just listened to her when she told me that Tibor wasn't dangerous, he would be alive now. If I had helped her, we could have saved him." John hung his head, "She probably hates me now."
Finch stared straight ahead as he spoke, "John, Joss could never hate you, the bond you two share never ceases to amaze me with its strength and love. Even during our worst cases it's been a beacon in the dark for the rest of us.
"You were defending your mate and your child. That protectiveness is a part of you, asking to stop protecting your family is like asking your heart to stop beating."
John looked at Finch with such a forlorn look at that Finch's breath was taken away, "If I lose her, my heart will stop beating."
John tried it to hide his turmoil whenever he was around his mate knowing that it would only upset her more than she was already. John had envisioned spending the last couple of months before the eagerly awaited birth of their child decorating the nursery and bickering over names. Instead, he was spending it hovering over his mostly unresponsive mate trying to interest her in anything that could bring her out of her depression. He could feel her slipping away, and it terrified him. He had lost his anchor, and for once his normally attuned and sensitive mate was oblivious to it all.
Reese did everything he could think of to help Joss work through her sadness, but his emotions contained an undercurrent of desperation that she was in no condition to deal with. He brought her favorite treats, but they tasted like sawdust in her mouth. He cuddled her, but his touch, normally so comforting in times of stress, left her feeling empty. All she could feel was his sadness, guilt and loss, no matter hard he tried to mask them.
She had the exact same problem with Fusco; she could feel how upset he was and it was too much for her in her fragile state. Fusco tried to jolly her back to her old self with wickedly funny tales of the trial and tribulations of the 8th precinct without her, but even the thought of Captain Kennedy getting shot in the butt by a horrified and hastily reassigned rookie wasn't enough to make her laugh. She could feel Fusco's fear that she would never return to normal, and all she could do was stare at her partner glumly.
Taylor tried to help as best as he could, but while he was not Wolf yet, and Joss could not feel him like she could her mate and the other Wolves, his actions and facial expressions belied his concern and made her anxious. She knew she knew should pull herself out of this fog for his sake and the baby's sake, but she just couldn't and that upset her further.
Shaw simply stayed away, unable to be around so much grief. For that, Joss was grateful to the woman who had assumed the role of little sister in her life.
In the end, it was Finch who was the most help to Joss in overcoming her depression. Because he wasn't Wolf, Joss could not feel his emotions, and long experience had taught him how to carefully hide what he was feeling in his expressions and movements. Finch's very presence, because he was completely unreadable to Joss, allowed her to relax while giving her some desperately needed companionship.
Finch's long convalescence from his wounds after Nathan's assassination had taught him that it was counterproductive to endlessly fuss over the patient, so he didn't waste his time constantly asking her if she was OK or adjusting her pillows. John, Taylor and Fusco were so eager to do anything, anything at all, to bring her out of her depression, that she found them exhausting as they hovered over her endlessly. Finch was finally able to convince them to leave her alone and give her some space.
What Finch did do for her was read to her. They discovered that the comedies of Shakespeare were the perfect antidote to Joss's depression. The smooth cadences of the iambic pentameter read in Finch's cultured voice and perfect enunciation proved to be very soothing to the woman's battered emotional state. She clung to that lifeline and slowly clawed her way out of depression and grief.
A couple of weeks later, Finch knew she was making progress when she began to fret over the nursery for the baby. Her small two bedroom apartment was barely big enough for her, Taylor, and John; and John's loft, while big and spacious, was a bachelor pad with no privacy whatsoever.
"I'm ready to start looking at apartments again, Finch" she told him one day about a month before the baby was due. Finch simply nodded and said, "Of course, Joss. We can start tomorrow if you like." Then as soon as he could, he excused himself to call John on his stakeout with Shaw and announce, "She's back!"