It's Always the Pain That Knocks You - Chapter 11
* * *
Willow looked at reflection one more time. She didn't look any different on the outside, the same mouth, eyes and the same zit that she couldn't seem to get rid of. How can someone not look any different on the outside when they've been changed forever on the inside?
She couldn't wait to see Oz. It felt like she hadn't seen him in weeks, she missed him. His smile, his calmness, and the green of his eyes, the wit and the warm he radiated. She truly did love him. She could never explain why what happened had happened, but now she knew that it was Oz she wanted. Forever.
A part of her was fearful too, would he know? He was so perceptive sometimes that Willow thought he might be psychic. She figured that the only way not to hurt him was to not tell him. She gave herself a hopeful smile before she left the room and headed for Oz's.
* *
*
Oz's arms were around her the moment he saw her. Willow pulled away, placing the pizza box on the bed. "It was getting in the way." She explained.
She wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly. She buried her head in his shoulder, breathing him in. But as quickly as the hug had started she pulled away.
"So pizza?" She asked.
Oz smiled, he leaned forward to kiss her but she dodged it. Opening the pizza box, she sat on his bed. He placed a video in the VCR and sat down beside her, she had placed the box between them. There was no closeness at all.
Once the film had finished, Willow stood up and started to get her stuff together.
"You're not staying?" Oz asked.
"No. I..not tonight." Willow answered.
"What's going on? Why you pushing me away?"
"I'm not pushing you away! I just have, you know, things to do."
"You've been pushing me away all night. You hugged me for a nano-second and now..."
"Oz.."
"You can tell me."
Willow bit her lip, if she told him it would kill him. It would kill her if it killed him. But she couldn't not tell him.
"I kissed Tara."
Oz's eyebrows shot up, "Once?"
"A little more than once." Willow replied, avoiding his gaze.
"Oh."
Willow finally looked at him. "Oz?"
"That's why I haven't seen you all week? You were with her?"
Willow didn't answer, she didn't have to.
"Do you love her?" When she didn't answer, he grabbed her arm. "Tell me; are you in love with her?"
Willow was amazed at the venom in his voice, the pain and anger in his features. She couldn't look in his eyes for the fear what she'd see there.
"I love you." She told him, crying.
"Why Willow? Why am I not enough for you? What don't I give you? What do you need?" He yelled.
"Oz, I need you! You are enough; you've always been enough. I made a mistake.."
Oz grunted, "Xander was a mistake, and you know I can understand what happened there. I accept it. You don't make the same mistake twice Willow. There's obvious something missing if you're looking for other people to..."
"No! Oz, it just happened okay? It was because of the magic, you know, the connection. It wasn't..I didn't..."
"You never answered my question." Oz said quietly "Do you love her."
Willow looked at him, "Yes."
She watched his heart break; it was playing on his face like a movie. She felt a part of her die as she watched. Something was gone, and no matter what happened, she'd never get it back.
"Oh my God." He exhaled.
"Oz, please? It's not the same. I don't love her the way I love you. I'm in love with *you* Oz. Only you, always you. You have to understand."
"I understand. You love her, but you love me a little but more?"
The wounding sarcasm in his voice brought her to her knees. She covered her face with her hands and cried. She felt him kneel down beside her. Felt his arms go around her. She grabbed him, pressing her face into his chest, sobbing uncontrollably. He buried his face in her hair and held onto her.
* * *
Willow looked at reflection one more time. She didn't look any different on the outside, the same mouth, eyes and the same zit that she couldn't seem to get rid of. How can someone not look any different on the outside when they've been changed forever on the inside?
She couldn't wait to see Oz. It felt like she hadn't seen him in weeks, she missed him. His smile, his calmness, and the green of his eyes, the wit and the warm he radiated. She truly did love him. She could never explain why what happened had happened, but now she knew that it was Oz she wanted. Forever.
A part of her was fearful too, would he know? He was so perceptive sometimes that Willow thought he might be psychic. She figured that the only way not to hurt him was to not tell him. She gave herself a hopeful smile before she left the room and headed for Oz's.
* *
*
Oz's arms were around her the moment he saw her. Willow pulled away, placing the pizza box on the bed. "It was getting in the way." She explained.
She wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly. She buried her head in his shoulder, breathing him in. But as quickly as the hug had started she pulled away.
"So pizza?" She asked.
Oz smiled, he leaned forward to kiss her but she dodged it. Opening the pizza box, she sat on his bed. He placed a video in the VCR and sat down beside her, she had placed the box between them. There was no closeness at all.
Once the film had finished, Willow stood up and started to get her stuff together.
"You're not staying?" Oz asked.
"No. I..not tonight." Willow answered.
"What's going on? Why you pushing me away?"
"I'm not pushing you away! I just have, you know, things to do."
"You've been pushing me away all night. You hugged me for a nano-second and now..."
"Oz.."
"You can tell me."
Willow bit her lip, if she told him it would kill him. It would kill her if it killed him. But she couldn't not tell him.
"I kissed Tara."
Oz's eyebrows shot up, "Once?"
"A little more than once." Willow replied, avoiding his gaze.
"Oh."
Willow finally looked at him. "Oz?"
"That's why I haven't seen you all week? You were with her?"
Willow didn't answer, she didn't have to.
"Do you love her?" When she didn't answer, he grabbed her arm. "Tell me; are you in love with her?"
Willow was amazed at the venom in his voice, the pain and anger in his features. She couldn't look in his eyes for the fear what she'd see there.
"I love you." She told him, crying.
"Why Willow? Why am I not enough for you? What don't I give you? What do you need?" He yelled.
"Oz, I need you! You are enough; you've always been enough. I made a mistake.."
Oz grunted, "Xander was a mistake, and you know I can understand what happened there. I accept it. You don't make the same mistake twice Willow. There's obvious something missing if you're looking for other people to..."
"No! Oz, it just happened okay? It was because of the magic, you know, the connection. It wasn't..I didn't..."
"You never answered my question." Oz said quietly "Do you love her."
Willow looked at him, "Yes."
She watched his heart break; it was playing on his face like a movie. She felt a part of her die as she watched. Something was gone, and no matter what happened, she'd never get it back.
"Oh my God." He exhaled.
"Oz, please? It's not the same. I don't love her the way I love you. I'm in love with *you* Oz. Only you, always you. You have to understand."
"I understand. You love her, but you love me a little but more?"
The wounding sarcasm in his voice brought her to her knees. She covered her face with her hands and cried. She felt him kneel down beside her. Felt his arms go around her. She grabbed him, pressing her face into his chest, sobbing uncontrollably. He buried his face in her hair and held onto her.