THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRYTALE!!!!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said: NO!' And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping, dancing, camping, rank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many boyfriends, saved money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

The End

I LOVE IT! This is a short story that my mother sent me. I think it's totally awesome. The moral of the story is DON'T GET MARRIED AND HAVE ALL THE FUN SUCKED OUT OF YOUR LIFE! Have fun reading the next chapter in my story.

Chapter 10:

The Drunks:

Our totally awesome Sponge Bob marathon was in full swing when Pan came onto the loudspeakers over the theme song that we were all singing. "UPHIE! THERES AN ALICE CULLEN AND A BELLA CULLEN AT THE DOOR WANTING TO KNOW WHERE THEIR HUSBENDS WENT!"

I turned and started shoving the three brothers out of my TV room. "Time for you whipped men to go home to mamma."

"Were not 'whipped,'" they all said, but we had reached the front room where Alice and Bella were standing.

"WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU THREE?!?!?!?!?" They shouted together in perfect unison. "No call." Alice said. "No note" Bella added.

"You three are soooooo whipped." I said, smiling. "We lost track of time while watching Sponge Bob."

Alice turned to look at me. "That's all fine and dandy dear. I just want to know how a vampire can forget to call…" then she saw that the three of them were leaning dangerously. "Are they drunk?"

"Umm, yes?" I made it into a question; myself having had ten or twelve drinks was a little worse for wear.

"How in the world can you get a vampire drunk?" Bella asked.

"Lots and lots of liquor." I answered. I almost toppled over and fell onto the floor. "I didn't want to get hammered, but I did. They said that I couldn't drink as much as they could. But they were wrong! I won all the drinking games!" I hiccupped and nearly fell again. "I think that I'm done for the night. Please take them home so that I can get some rest."

Alice looked at me and smiled. "You are one of the most reasonable drunks I have ever seen."

"It comes with studying for tests while drunk. Then acing them the next day with a hangover." I sighed and turned to leave.

"That's one of the human experiences that I wasn't able to go through." Bella said. "Being drunk."

"I can change that." Edward said, with a bottle in his hand.

"It will take a lot more than half a bottle of that to get her tipsy. We went through almost all of my booze to get the six of us plastered." I said, annoyed that I'd have to go out and get more bottles from the factory.

Alice looked at me. "Six of you?"

"Two of my friends are over to spend the night tonight." I sighed and almost fell…again.

"You're sexy, you know that?" Emmett said, leaning down and nibbling on my ear.

"And that's not attractive Emmett." I said, shoving him away from me.

He staggered. "But you're a human! How can you push me like that?"

"I'm not a human anymore Emmett." I explained, again to him. "I am stronger and faster than you are."

"Oh yeah? Well then lets have an arm wrestling contest."

"I have already beaten you in three arm wrestling contests tonight. Go home Emmett."

He sulked out the front door, followed by the rest of the Cullen family. "We're so sorry for your inconvenience." Bella said.

"No problem," I told her, and I fell into the floor, out for the rest of the night.

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The next morning I woke up really warm. I couldn't quite put my finger on why I was so warm and then the pain started. "WHAT THE ****ING HELL?" I screamed. But then I get really quiet when it hurt a lot. "Ugh!" I groaned. My head was going to explode. 'What the hell was I doing last nigh?' I thought, which hurt too. 'I remember watching TV and starting the drinking games. When did the guys go home?'

My door opened and Emmett walked in. "Morning Sunshine."

I glared at him. "How did you get into my house? Why are you here? And why are you being so loud?!?!" I rolled over and pulled the pillow over my head.

"Is this better?" he whispered in my ear, he was suddenly so close that I could feel his coolness. "Jess let me in this morning when Pan almost set off the alarms on me. I'm here because I had a feeling that you weren't going to be out of bed for a while, so I wanted to come over and help you as much as possible."

I shivered and he instantly backed away from me. "You don't have to leave." I said, very, very quietly.

He moves closer again. "I love you Uphie." He whispered in my ear.

I shot up in the bed, accidentally hitting him in the head with mine. Rubbing my head, I looked at him. "Don't say that." I looked him square in the eyes.

"Why?" he asked, using his regular voice again.

"I don't want you to get hurt. I don't like you like that. I like you as a friend, and only as a friend." I looked down at my hands, my headache totally forgotten for the moment.

"Can I try to make you think otherwise?" Emmett asked, a smile in his voice.

"I don't know if you would be able to…" I would have gone on but his lips stopped me short.

Emmett's lips were cold and refreshing. They were soft but hard at the same time. It felt good, but wrong. I pulled back, and he let me. "I'm sorry Emmett." I said, "I just don't feel the same way about you."

"That's fine. But we can still be friends right? I've always wanted a human friend."

"I've told you Emmett!" I nearly yelled, "I'm not human."

"Then show me!" he teased.

"Whatever." I said, rolling out of my bed and onto the floor in a tank top and PJ bottoms.

"I still think that you're a human," Emmett said. "Just a really strong one, and fast one."

"You only say that because the only other mythical creature that you have seen are the Quileute werewolves and they aren't even real werewolves. You need to be educated in the legends of old."

"You mean like the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings?" he looked like he really meant it.

"Not quite, Em." When we got outside, I turned and said to him, "Stay put and don't come for me, even if I look like I'm in pain. It will only be because I have a jimungo hangover." I walked out into my yard farther and then I felt it. There was a stinging sensation in the back of her head that was slowly getting stronger. I turned back to Emmett and I saw her, Rosalie, stalking toward Em. I slouched down and felt my hair change from its usual light brown to pure white. It grew down past my shoulders and down toward the ground. My arms and legs grew white fur and elongated. My body collapsed in on itself and then I was in my true form, as a dog, a giant dog, well over the size of the wolves that lived just twenty miles south of where I was standing.

I slipped into a crouch and started to move towards Emmett. His eyes turned from amazement to shock as I leapt at him. I sailed easily over him to meet the oncoming vampire that had just sprung. We collided in midair and went rolling in the grass until I was on top of her, snarling at her, my sharp canines just millimeters from her smooth, perfect face. You will NOT hurt Emmett again! I said through her thoughts. Emmett must have heard too because he stopped yelling my name and just stared.

I wasn't going to hurt him; I was going to hurt you. She said through her thoughts at me.

Emmett must have heard again because he started to snarl at Rose. "You are not going to hurt Uphie, not EVER Rose." Emmett growled.

"You're not the boss of me Poo Bear." She said acidly. "You never were."

Stop your bickering. I thought. We need to get you to the good doctors house so that you can…

"Uphie! She bit Anna!" it was Jess' voice in my head.

My gums pulled back over my teeth. You… harmed… my…Anna!!!! My mouth opened and her head was no longer attached to her neck. There was a sting on my tongue and I spit her head out and it rolled away from Emmett and me. I reared beck and landed on my back. I turned back to my human form as quickly as I could and ran into the house.

Emmett was right behind me, trying to stop me from running. Not going to happen. I ran into the kitchen and grabbed my epipen I shoved the needle into my arm and the burning stopped. I was panting and doubled over, retching. The whole time Emmett was right there by my side, rubbing my back saying, "It's all going to be all right, you're just going to be one of us now."

"No," I panted, "I am not. That was that the epi-pen was for. It was the antidote for vampire poison. It just takes a while for me to get it all back together."

He picked me up and carried me to the TV room where he put me down on the couch. "I can't rest right now. I have to be ready for when Anna comes in. I have to be ready if she needs an epipen." I tried to stand but I tipped dangerously. Good thing Emmett was there to catch me.

When Jess carried Anna in I could tell that she was too far-gone, she would have to endure the five-day transformation from demon to vampire. Jess wept softly on my chest as we waited for Anna to come out of her assumed coma.

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