Chapter Eleven: Broken

- This chapter is for anyone who has suffered any kind of loss in their life, whether it was a death of a person or a relationship. This chapter is for anyone who has ever been driven to a dark place that they thought they could never return from. This chapter is also for all of those people who managed to overcome that, because it is one of the hardest things to do. This chapter is for anyone who helped their friends through such times. If anyone is still struggling with such difficulties, then I wish you all the luck in the world to find your feet again. Thank you. -

(Songs: I will put the song title and band at the end of this chapter. But I don't want to give it away here. You'll all know it anyway, so I am only really putting it there for arguments sake. I just don't want to ruin the desired effect by saying it now.)

The sky had begun to fall, making the grounds of Hogwarts have a shadow cast across it. Night was slowly trying to crawl in and invade the school, but it was not yet time to meet for dinner in the Great Hall, and other students occasionally crossed the grass nearby where the two boys sat, oblivious to their presence.

They huddled together beneath one of the rocks, sitting on the ground with their backs leant against the stone. Blaine's head was now resting against Kurt's shoulder, a posture that before this time had only ever been adopted in a reversed role.

Kurt had listened for a long while to Blaine talking of his brother. It had taken him a long time to be able to speak of it. He had never tried to talk about it with anyone before; Wes, David and Trent all knew of the event naturally, but Blaine had shut off every time the topic of conversation, and they eventually gave up trying, at a loss for what to do.

It had not been easy for him to confess it to Kurt either. He didn't cry; he had merely spoken in flat monotone, mostly staring at his hands or feet or out across the lake, whose waters had calmed and silenced, apart from the gentle lapping against the shore that set the rhythm of the boy's conversation.

Kurt could see how detached Blaine had made himself; he refused to go into great detail, just stating the facts about what had happened.

Kurt had been processing the information for some time; he had lost his mother a long time ago, but it had been straightforward in a way. He knew how she had died, when it had happened and why. Nathan's disappearance was inconclusive. Nobody understood how it had happened. Even his friends didn't even realise at first, figuring he'd gone to find others on the train. He had been a very popular Hogwarts student, and had even been on Prefect duty that night, so his wandering around the carriages, and therefore going missing for long periods of time, was nothing out of the ordinary. It was only when Blaine and his family stood and waited for him to arrive on Platform 9 and ¾, that they realised he was not there to meet them.

It had been investigated thoroughly, and it had sent fear throughout Hogwarts. It was almost unheard of for students to be in danger within Hogwarts or on the train; everything was so well protected. Yet it had happened, and ever since the security on board had gone to extremes, and Prefects were no longer allowed to patrol on their own.

It cast a chill over all those who thought of it. Kurt remembered it being spoken of in his first year at Hogwarts, and knew that everyone had filled with dread, although he himself had known little about it or the people involved.
He had never pieced together that it was Blaine; Dumbledore never drew attention to him because Blaine had so requested it. Kurt was sure that at least the older years knew about his relation, however, as there was no such thing as a well-kept secret at Hogwarts. Everything was revealed eventually. But Blaine had not wanted people talking to or about him and so he removed himself from it all, and judging by the circumstances, his wishes were respected.

He locked himself away and tried to close himself off from the whole miserable event, just as he was attempting to do presently. He was talking to Kurt, but he was still heavily guarded in exposing his true emotions and thoughts.

Kurt spoke after a long while; "Blaine…"

Blaine moved his head slightly against Kurt's neck to signal that he was listening. His hair tickled Kurt's cheek but he forced himself to ignore this.

"This wouldn't happen have anything to do with why you pretended to be going to see Snape the other day, would it?" The thought had just struck him; the event had troubled him for the past few days, confused over Blaine's sheepish character after Finn's song to Rachel.

Blaine paused. Kurt looked down at him; he could just see his low cast eyes from underneath the shadow of his eyelashes and his dry lips pressing together as he debated over how to reply. "Do you remember that time we met in the Owlery?"

"Yes," Kurt said softly, there not being a minute of time they had spent together that he could have possibly forgotten. "When you said that why you were up there wasn't important… I'm guessing that isn't so?"

Blaine lifted his head and turned his body around so that he faced the countertenor. His eyes looked strained, not from the presence of tears; more the ferocious attempts to hold them back. His fingers knotted together and his shoulders were drawn up and tense. It seemed to physically pain him to talk about it.

"The Owlery… That was the last place I spoke to him."

Kurt watched as Blaine wrestled with his unwillingness to speak of this tortuous time in his life on the one hand and his wish to be open with his friend on the other.

"He… He always sent a letter home to my parents every day when he was here. Even the last day," Blaine managed to muster a cough of a laugh at the memory. "… He and my parents were really close and he always wrote to them. Even if it was only a couple of sentences."

Kurt nodded, not wanting to interrupt as Blaine struggled to find words. However, it seemed that he was having great difficulty telling Kurt the rest of this reminiscence and the younger Gryffindor was finding it harder to bear with each passing second. So he intervened:

"It must have been hard for them, I take it?"

This had been a bad move and Kurt instantly regretted it, as Blaine seemed to turn over cold at the thought. He began to stare at a small beetle, which was crawling the length of the rock-face behind them, although Kurt doubted that he was actually taking in what he was seeing.

"You know how I told you about my Dad sending me away to summer school?" He asked dryly, a husky tone creeping into his vocal chords as he spoke of his father.

Kurt gave him a short look to confirm the memory.

Blaine had glanced for a second to register Kurt's response, but then turned his attention back to the beetle. "He did that because me and my brother looked very a like, and apparently I reminded him too much of Nathan… But I was that of a lesser version."

Kurt instantly opened his mouth to protest the last comment, but Blaine shook his head; "Honestly, you can try to tell me that it isn't true and that you're sure he loves me just the same and just finds it hard to show it. That it's only because he is still mourning and that makes Nathan seem so much more sacred in his eyes. I have heard it all before, Kurt, and I try to kid myself into thinking that perhaps that is the reason. The reason why he sends me away and why when I'm around he doesn't speak to me and doesn't look me in the eye. I know that is not the case. I am also pretty sure that it has something to do with the fact that I had come out the year after. I had always known, and it made no sense to hide the fact. That seemed to be the last straw from him: Nathan had been his one hope to grow up and get married, give him the grandchildren he so desperately wanted, and be everything he'd always prayed for in a son. I can't do that…or at least not in the same way that he would like. He's a traditionalist, Kurt, and I know that me being gay is something he can never and will never be able handle. I am so close and yet so far from the child who was perfection in his eyes, and nothing I do will ever make up for that fact."

It was strange to watch as Blaine spoke these words. He did not say them angrily, perhaps you could sense the undertone of bitterness if you searched for it, but if anything he said them in a wistful voice. Full of sadness and even a touch of guilt; did he feel bad for not being the same as his brother had been?

Kurt was so taken aback by the curious nature in which his friend had laid out his family frustrations that it took him a while to speak in reply. Blaine just wouldn't allow himself to have an outburst; it was simply so far apart from anything the countertenor had ever been used to.

"Blaine, I… I'm sorry. I hate to think that your Dad would be that way, or that he has led you to think that he is that way-"
"He is," Blaine said. Still not angrily, just as though he were stating fact, like a teacher who had merely corrected one word of a line their student had been reciting.

"But whether or not he thinks that way, I'm sure that your brother could never be as… as absolutely wonderful as you are," Kurt was afraid that perhaps his words would reveal too much about his own feelings, but he felt that he had to say it. After all: it was true.

"You didn't know him," Blaine said with a slight sigh. "Sure, he was talented and clever and brave and won awards at school. He was popular in terms of friends and family, but it wasn't just that. He just… He always knew the right thing to say and do and even though my parent's love for him over me was always apparent… that never made me hate him. I don't think anyone could ever hate him… that's why it doesn't make any sense."

Kurt watched as Blaine's brow furrowed in deep confusion as he tried to fathom the reason for his brother's disappearance. He tried to fit together the pieces of the puzzle that had been scattered so far apart that not even the best wizarding minds could reach a conclusion on the mystery.

Kurt was rarely rendered speechless, but the look in Blaine's eyes made it seem impossible to ever conjure up words that would bring him comfort. It seemed that Kurt wouldn't have to fill the silence however as, wrapped up in his own mind as he thought of Nathan, Blaine continued:

"I knew he'd be up there, and so I went to see him because I was nervous about leaving, it being my first year at Hogwarts…"

He wasn't looking at Kurt, but the younger boy instantly clocked that he was speaking about the last time he had seen his brother in the Owlery.

"I was sad to go, of course; I knew that I would miss all my friends over the summer. I had never really fit in back at home: he was my only friend in that world. I knew that I could always tell him things and that he wouldn't judge me for them… I told him silly things, like how I was worried I was going to forget something and that perhaps if I left they would find a reason not to let me back in next year… and…"

Blaine looked up for a moment and Kurt was shocked to see the tears swelling in his eyes.

His resolve had finally broken and the fingers that gripped the stone beside him had turned white, knuckles and joints looking like that of a skeleton. Kurt put his own hand over them, trying not to jump as he felt the ice-cold skin. Blaine swallowed and took a deep breath as he gave in to the water droplets that fell from his eyes and splashed onto the sand by their knees, he grasped Kurt's hand tightly, as though he was clinging to a precious jewel, not wanting it to escape through his fingers and be lost forever:

"… And I said that I was scared of going back on the Hogwarts Express. I'd never liked trains or planes before, and it had made me feel sick on the ride up to the castle… He… He just hugged me and laughed a little – but not in a cruel way, just to put me at ease – he told me that I was being silly in the way that brothers do; it was only a train journey for Christ's sake… and he wouldn't let anything happen to me… He promised I would be safe and probably end up sleeping through the journey anyway… He told me to go back to my dormitory and get my things, and as I turned to go he said it was just a train… What was the worst that could happen?"

Blaine's voice broke on the final few words as he repeated the last thing his brother had ever said to him.

Kurt couldn't stand watching his face any longer and instinctively he leant over to pull Blaine into a tight hug. The 6th Year responded, clinging to Kurt as though he were hanging onto the edge of a cliff, trying with all his might not to plunge to the dark depths of an ocean that lay beneath. Kurt felt the constrictions of the older boy's chest as he continued to try and prevent the tears that had finally forced themselves down his cheeks. He buried his face in Kurt's shoulder, and he could feel Blaine's damp eyelashes brush against his neck as he held him.

"You know they never actually found out what happened… Maybe he's-"

"Don't," Blaine said, his voice sounding as though the words were being pushed out through razors. He rested his forehead on Kurt's shoulder and struggled to take a long breath in. "I can't tell you how many times I have thought over those scenarios. Of him turning up at our house or here at Hogwarts - I used to expect it every time I rounded a corner… I hope for an Owl to bring me a message from him every time I visit that blasted tower… But I know now that it is foolish of me to sit around waiting of the impossible. He's never coming back, Kurt… the sooner I come to terms with that, the better."

Kurt took both of Blaine's hands in his and held them for a while. He didn't want Blaine to be so defeated and so without hope, but he was at a loss of a way to change his mind about it all.

"I'm sorry," Blaine choked, withdrawing one hand to wipe away the tears, leaving the other firmly clasped in Kurt's hand however, and soon returning the second. The warm encasement of his fingers feeling like the only thing rooting him to the earth instead of spiralling off to a place of despair where few people returned from. Kurt seemed to anchor him, keep him steady at a time where that seemed insurmountable. "I didn't mean to… I don't think I've been like this to anyone… or just at all, since it happened."

"Blaine, that's crazy!" Kurt said, "You can't keep something like that bottled up for five years; that damages a person."

Blaine smiled humourlessly as he drew his head back from the boy and looked up into his eyes. "I already feel broken, Kurt."

Kurt felt his own heart fraction a little as this declaration. He allowed his fingers to intertwine between Blaine's and held them tightly, fixing the older boy with an impenetrable stare; "Hey, I wasn't in great shape when you first met me, either, remember? You helped me through that… and I think it's only fair that I return the favour."

"How?" Blaine asked incredulously.

Kurt paused. "I'm not wholly sure yet, it's not as though these types of things can be resolved for either of us overnight… but I think in a day or two you'll see how talking about it will have helped a lot, and of course there is a step further we can take, if you're willing?"

Blaine looked into Kurt's swimming eyes expectantly, feeling like the guided opposed to the guardian, as his friend leant forward and looked down at the ground. The grounds were mostly empty now and the few who were around were far from the pair and seemed to be paying them little attention.

Kurt squeezed Blaine's hand, to pass him comfort and also to prepare himself for his own evasive confession. "Just know that… know that I mean every word of this."

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

Kurt looked up at Blaine through his eyelashes and the older boy swallowed deep in his throat and managed to smile genuinely now, although it was still riddled with sadness, opening his mouth to join in.

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

Kurt brushed a thumb against Blaine's cheek, catching one last tear that had fallen. Then he looked down at the ground, slightly embarrassed by his action.

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Kurt stood up then, looking out to the darkening skies and then back down at the boy who he adored above any other in a unique and indescribable way.

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

Kurt held out his hand. Blaine took it and stood with him.

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Both of them had regained tears in their eyes as they sang, all though they did not drop, just remained to cause their eyes to glisten in the approaching moonlight.

Tears stream down on your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down on your face

And I...

Tears stream down on your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down on your face

And I...

Blaine paused, unable to continue, watching Kurt in amazement as the countertenor led into the last part of the song in a slow solo, fixing Blaine with such great meaning in his eyes that could never be lost in any translation.

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

The air seemed to settle between the two of them for an infinitesimal moment before Blaine stepped forward and embraced Kurt fiercely, wanting to close any space between them so that he could feel every ounce of appreciation seep from his body into Kurt's. Kurt's arms wrapped back around the older boy in true earnest as he felt his hands imprinting on his back as he gripped him like his life depended on it.

"Thank you," He whispered, their cheeks pressed against one another's.

"Any time," Kurt promised, barely able to speak as his voice shuddered, feeling the intention of that embrace whole-heartedly. It pulsed through every fibre of his being.

While these two shared this private moment, however, they were unaware that a third party was present, hiding behind one of the castle walls and watching intently. He had not been able to hear the exchanges between the two and therefore the matters they had spoke of, but the bond forging between them was evident, and not something the spectator was pleased to view. In fact, he made quick plans in his head to change it for his own purposes.

(Coldplay – Fix you. As if you didn't know. Never fails to make me cry, so I just had to use it in this moment.)

Sidenote to Miss Lucretia (anyone who is not this person can ignore this comment if you wish, but the answer may interest you):

I received your review, but for some reason it would not allow me to reply? Anyway, I did not want you to think I had ignored your questions!

I understand the housing distribution concerns. I use to think Kurt a Slytherin too, but I really couldn't shake the idea of Courage and how symbolic that word had become for both Blaine and Kurt. I wanted to use that and in order for that to work they just had to be Gryffindors.

Wes and David are in Ravenclaw and I believe that is mentioned? It was supposed to be. They just invade the Gryffindor table because… well, because they pretty much do what they damn well please.

Trent is a Hufflepuff because he is not clever enough to be a Ravenclaw. He is a very sweet character, but not so smart. I'm sure, however, that he is a particularly good finder.

Karofsky needs to be a Slytherin because of the bad association to that house. I needed the instant recognition with the character seeming bad. But, as we all know, being in Slytherin house does not equal an evil witch or wizard. Snape shows us that and I believe Malfoy to an extent – he is just too cowardly to be good. I shall not give too much away, but I have my reasons.

Please do not think you have offended me! It took me a while to figure out the houses. I just wanted to make them fit with the story. You will see more of those as the story progresses.

I hope that clears things up and honestly, never hesitate to ask me anything! It takes a lot for me to be offended, and so long as it is constructive I can handle the criticism! This story has been a learning curve for me to explore my writing further, so any notes or suggestions are most welcome! This goes for anyone else who has read up to this point as well. I won't get mad – promise!

I am sorry that I could not get back to you privately; my account wouldn't even let me on to your profile!

Thank you for reviewing anyway!