SHE'S GOT MY BLOOD RUNNING COLD

11. A Place To Hide

Avelina

Sitting with Bella and Edward was possibly the most infuriating experience of my life. If I had a choice I would have been somewhere else, but I couldn't think of anywhere to go. Jake, Seth, and Leah were in LaPush and most of the others had gone hunting. Curse my hunting schedule. It was a little peaceful, if I closed my eyes. The only sound was of Renesmee's steady heartbeat as she slept in her mother's arms. Edward sat by Bella, both of their eyes glazed over, Bella had pressed Renesmee's hand to her cheek. Now they were both watching her dream. I couldn't even remember things like dreaming, I'm not sure I've ever had a dream. Sure, sometimes it's hard for immortals to remember their human lives, but I remember several things very distinctly. One of those things was my nights, nights were always cold, dark and frightening. Noises from downstairs would drift up to me, sometimes they were good, but most of the times they were bad, I'd fall asleep with tears fresh on my cheeks. I'm not trying to be resentful or anything, I just get annoyed when I'm in awkward situations.

The situation probably wasn't helped by the fact that I kept watching Edward accusingly, I'm sure that's how I looked. Thankfully he was so involved in his daughter's dreams that I don't think he noticed, nor would I really want him to. Edward's was the face that I remember most clearly from my human life. I remember when his skin was soft and warm. I remember his emerald green eyes, I remember those eyes being my favorite thing in the world. I had spent years and years clinging to the sight of those green eyes, they were a sign of hope. Sure, this was the same Edward, but when I met his mind-reading amber gaze I felt kind of...hopeless. It was eerie, it was like having your favorite cat shaved, it's unrecognizable and not as comforting as being able to snuggle your nose into that precious cat's fur.

I don't know what happened in Nessie's dream, but something made Edward look up. I don't know, maybe he was just following my thoughts. He stood and gestured me to follow him out of the room. He set a hand on Bella's shoulder and she nodded, not ready to be distracted. I followed Edward out beyond the treeline, becoming nervous that my gut wasn't telling me what to do.

I call my vampire gift being able to help people. When I was human I could spot suffering a mile away, but back then I was trapped, I couldn't help, and now it was my purpose. Often I'd follow my feet across the world, not knowing where I was going until I was there. Information and names would pop into my head and words that I couldn't control would pop out of my mouth. I was there to fix things, I couldn't stop it if I tried, but I didn't want to. I always knew what the best thing to say was, except for now.

Now I was following my former best friend and I had no idea what I would say to him. I didn't know what he'd say to me, he's the one who reads minds, not me. My gut told me that he could see me thoughts, he's always been good at reading me but when I saw him as a vampire I knew that it had to be so much stronger. Normally, I wouldn't think that I needed my gift to be able to talk to Edward, but this time I wasn't so sure.

I'd kept my story from him on purpose, it's hard for me to see people in pain, especially him. But I told him, he thought love could save her and I showed him everything. Edward didn't think that he'd be able to live after Bella died, but I'd once felt something just as strong and I was still here. The man I loved was also the man I killed, the man that I had destroyed long before I crushed his chest. He was giving up his life to spend it with me, I always thought it was such a waste for him. But it was what he wanted, and who was I to deny him what he wanted? Whenever he flashed his dimples at me I'd turn into butter and he got whatever he wanted.

The reason I thought about this at that moment was the same reason Edward infuriated me. I felt betrayed. I felt stabbed in the back, I felt completely worthless and useless. Edward was supposed to be my best friend, all of my years as an immortal I had never found a better friend than that human boy who had been thought to have died from the fever. I'd let him into my thoughts, he saw what I saw and felt what I felt. That's all fine and well but he hadn't said anything, he hadn't said a damn thing about it. I was shocked when Jacob had approached me in the clearing, ready to talk about it so quickly, ready to make me feel better about myself. Edward hadn't even told me sorry, he hadn't asked me a single question, he hadn't said anything. This was significant to me because he was the best friend I'd been looking for for decades. And here he was, so incredibly different that he didn't even apologize for my pain. Did he even feel bad?

"Of course I do." Edward said forcefully, turning around to look at me.

"That's not fair, thoughts are hard to control." I informed him. He didn't look amused. The sky was beginning to grow dark as night settled in, we didn't notice because it didn't do anything to our eyesight but I sensed it. I sensed it dark and cold, like night always was.

"Avelina, you have no idea how absolutely horrible I feel. When I remember how you felt and...and what you saw and what you did, it kills me. I can hear everyone's thoughts, and it always hurts. But you, you are the best friend that I have ever had the privilege to encounter. And when something so painful happens to someone that you never want to see hurt ever...Well, I know you understand that." He said.

"Of course I do." Of course I understood that. I may not completely love Bella, I hardly even know her, but I didn't want to see her die. Especially at Edward's hands. Sometimes I don't think that she understands how much her pain hurts everyone around her, how easily she can scar them. But that's not important, I had never intended to let Edward know about what happened to be when I had loved someone that much. But then he got dangerously close to killing her, and all I could think about was how I'd be able to hear his heart break, I know the sound so well. I didn't want to see his eyes much as I never wanted to see my reflection after I killed, because I didn't want the pain. I don't wish that sort of pain on my greatest enemy.

"I'm sorry." Edward said finally, "Thank you for telling me. Thank you for a lot of things, thank you for coming back. I know you were looking for Jacob but it is wonderful to have around."

"You're family is so nice," I said, noting the change of subject and not doing anything to stop it, "they're so accepting. I never imagined that I'd be able to fit in like this anywhere."

"Does that mean you'll stay?" Edward asked abruptly. Of course he'd seen it, he'd seen it all along. He'd seen my wandering and this was just another stop along the road of immortality. "We'd love to have you. They wouldn't mind, they all think you're so great, they see you for what you are. They would want you to be a part of the family, and so would I. Avelina Cullen..." He mused.

"Aunt Avelina." I said with feeling. Edward raised his eyebrows and I could almost feel him poking around in my mind.

"You liked that, did you?" He asked mildly.

"You know I did." I said, tweaking his nose, "I always wanted to be an aunt, and a mother, and a sister and a daughter. I always wanted to be everything that you're offering me and more. But I just don't know. I'm supposed to help people, if someone needs me then I can't keep from going to them. It's not that I don't want to stay in one place but I can't, I'll go into a trance and run away when no one is around. You need to be dependable to be in a good family, and that's something that I can't be."

"You could try." Edward pointed out sadly, knowing that trying would only get me so far. I tried to lighten the mood.

"And I don't think your wife is very fond of me." I pointed out. His head snapped up.

"Bella? What makes you say that?" He asked. I sighed with exasperation.

"I swear, Edward. Sometimes it seems like you don't even know this girl. You're so used to reading minds that you don't know how to read people. Admittedly, you don't really need to, except for her. You used to have people skills."

"I have people skills." Edward argued. I smiled at him.

"I miss you." I said. He looked at me, the present tense of my statement was significant.

"But I'm here." He insisted.

"Edward, I didn't see you for eighty some odd years. I knew you back then and I spent that time looking for someone like you, someone like that best friend that I used to have. But then I find you and you're completely different. You've got this new home, new family, you've got a wife and kid for crying out loud! Once upon a time Edward Masen never would have gotten married, never would have spent his life with someone. I know that this is for the better but where did he go?" I looked at him, Edward looked down.

"I miss you too, Avelina." He said quietly, "I miss your eyes, how reflective and beautiful they were, I miss your blush and your laugh. I miss your support and your determination."

"That's something I haven't lost." I assured him, he laughed. "I miss your eyes, they were so...green." I said, "My favorite thing in the world used to be your eyes."

"Your hair in sunlight." Edward mused.

"I felt bad that I never go to thank you for...everything." I started but Edward held up his hand in protest.

"I don't feel like I should be thanked." He said wretchedly, "I feel like I should be locked away forever."

"That wouldn't do anyone much good." I said flatly.

"If you miss me so much, maybe you should stay." When I opened my mouth Edward held up his hands, "I know you don't think you can stay forever but just try to be part of the family. I'd really like having you around."

"I'd like to be around." I said, "I'd do anything to have a family like yours."

"Even try to spend some time with Bella?" Edward asked hopefully. I winced, Edward grinned at me, taking me by the arm and towing back toward the house, "You know, you two have a lot in common. You're more alike than you think and I know that you'd get along if you just tried."

"No promises." I muttered. Edward laughed as he dragged me through the back door into the living room where Bella was waiting. She was no longer watching Nessie dream, she was standing and looked quite unhappy. When she saw Edward and I come in her expression soured and I wondered if Edward noticed.

"Bella, I'm going to take Nessie back to the cottage. Why don't you two stay here and wait in case the others come back early?" Nice Edward, very tactful. Bella looked at me with dislike in her eyes and sat on the couch in defeat. Edward went to her and took his daughter in his arms.

"She is so adorable." I whispered.

"Would you like to hold her?" Edward asked, offering her to me. I could tell be the look on Bella's face that she would tear me apart if I so much as touched her precious baby.

"I shouldn't." I said quietly, not because of Bella, of course. Edward knew, I always wanted a family. When we were kids I'd draw family portraits of me and my children, I had even picked out names: Maryanne and Evangeline were my girls, and Joshua and Neven were my boys. I never got to have kids, or that family I ever wanted. And here I saw it, Edward had all I ever wanted, he'd laughed at it until the day we died. What a twist of events. Edward looked at me with a sympathetic nod and left. I went and sat down on the couch as far away from Bella as I could.

"So..." I said, trying to think of a conversation starter, "Renesmee, such an interesting name? Well, Edward sure doesn't have the imagination to come up with that, where'd you get the idea?" Bella stiffened, not good news for me.

"It's a combination of Renee and Esme, our mothers' names. And Edward has plenty imagination, he could have thought of it." She responded coolly. I knew that I should have been nice but I couldn't help laughing out loud.

"Oh please! Don't give him so much credit! All those years I spent naming my kids, Edward never wanted them. But when I told him to pick some names you know what he said? Mary, Jane, James, Donna, Richard. He wouldn't even think to combine names because he believes in contemporary names." I said. Her fingers twitched and I calmed myself down, "You know, maybe." Awkward silence. "How old are you?" I asked.

"Seventeen." Bella answered with a stubbornness I couldn't place, but I smile nonetheless.

"Me too. I was seventeen when Edward caught the fever and my parents decided to get out of town." I said. Again neither of us spoke, it was torture. Then Bella moved her left hand to swipe a strand of hair out of her face. I gaped at her hand. "Is that..?" I stuttered, "Is that his mother's wedding ring?" Bella looked at it with such casualty that I could have slapped her.

"Yes." She said. I stared at her, that meant absolutely nothing to her. But I remembered that ring on Elizabeth Masen's hand, I remembered her telling Edward how much it meant to her.

"Such a waste." I muttered to myself, but of course Bella heard me. Her eyes tightened. "I'm sorry. I think it's just a bit personal to me, I dearly loved his mother. Elizabeth Masen was practically a mother to me as well." I tried to sound apologetic. Her eyes got a little less tight, I was thankful because those red eyes were mercilessly...freaky when she glared. It was odd that I was thinking about eye colors when Bella said,

"What color did your eyes used to be? Edward's were green, I've heard, what about you?"

"They were brown. Brown like mountains, Edward used to say. He said they were special because brown eyes were usually flat, and mine just seemed to go on forever." I said. The tightness around Bella's eyes returned.

"What were you like as a human?" Bella asked.

"Shy. Very shy, invisible even. I blushed really easily, and I cried when I was angry. I didn't have very high self-esteem, Edward always had to talk me up to make me feel better about myself. I was afraid of new, and unseen, I always thought that I could do anything, Edward had to stop me a lot of the time. Not to brag but I was pretty smart, I had a lot of suitors." I laughed, "Well, not really but you know what I mean."

"Your hair, it gets red in the sunlight." Bella said, I couldn't find her meaning, "What about Edward? What was he like?"

"Musical genius." I said simply, "He lived for others, he could read people so well and he never let them feel bad. And he started playing piano when was three. His mother taught him, Elizabeth Masen was the best Piano Instructor in town. He learned from her, but it was amazing because he could write all of these beautiful songs. He wrote one for me once, when I was upset. I can't remember it very well, I should ask him about it. But it was so sweet, sometimes I'd have to come over at night. His mother would give me some blankets and I'd curl up on the couch. I could never sleep though, but Edward would play this song until I fell asleep."

"Like a lullaby." Bella suggested, her eyes narrowing even further.

"I guess so, yes." I said, still not sure what she was upset about. Then it hit me like a truck, like now I was supposed to know. Stupid gut! Stupid vampire gift! I was trying to be nice to Bella, I really did. But my gift wouldn't let me, it just kept me on talking until finally it let me see what it was doing. "Bella, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to!" I said. But she didn't care, she was glaring. She hated me, and I'd hate me too if I were her. I should have said something but at the moment I didn't know what. So I left, I backed out of the house and ran. I climbed up a nearby tree as the sun was starting to rise.

Bella used to blush easy, and cry when angry. She used to have brown eyes that Edward said were deep instead of flat, she had brown hair that turned red in sunlight. She was shy, she was desired by humans in her earlier life, she was afraid, Edward helped her self-esteem, she was smart. And, most importantly of all, he wrote her a lullaby. Sure, none of it was that significant, but what made it a big deal was it happened to me first. I didn't want to go back, there would probably be fireworks, a lot of fireworks. So I sat in the tree until I smelt something woodsy and wet. I leaned over and saw Jacob at the bottom of my tree.

"Hey, do you want to come down?" Jacob called up to me. I liked Jacob, I knew I'd really pissed him off when we first met but I really did like him. He was nice, he didn't judge me, I was pretty sure he even considered me a friend. He was fun to be around, when he was there I could forget about Edward drama. I shook my head at him and laughed.

"No. You come up!" I said. Jacob glared at me, not like the first time but more like the 'I hate you but you're my best friend' kind of way. Best friend, what an exciting thought! But no, I haven't had a best friend in a long time. Jacob clambered up the branches until he sat at the same level as me. He looked at me and something suggested that he wanted more answered. "One question." I said with a sigh. Jacob thought about it for a minute.

"That time in the forest, you were talking to Edward." He said seriously, "You told me that you always needed a place to hide. Why?" Here was another thing I liked about Jacob Black: he always asked the right questions. And he remembered everything I said. I imagined he had a little vault in his head filled with 'Avelina Questions' where he noticed I said something strange and asked about it later.

"Well." I cleared my throat, the best questions were always the hardest to answer, "When I was human, my parents were crazy. Mad crazy, I'd say. My father's brother was institutionalized, that always travels by blood. But he never got caught because he knew how to put on a show, he was a people pleaser. But when Marjorie was born, he went over the deep end. He'd drink until he couldn't see, he'd scream at my mother to get out of his way, he'd march upstairs and open the door to Marjorie's room." I took a deep breath continued without looking at him, "I'd run over to Edward's house, we were the only people on our street. And back when I snuck in his window I could hear her screaming. She only wanted help, she didn't want to be scared, but I couldn't help her. And when I was twelve, when she died, he started on me. I'd hide at Edward's, or I'd stay there when he was drunk, or I'd go there to clean myself up. Whatever the reason, I always ended up at the Masen's. I always begged my mother to leave, to take me away. But for whatever reason she was convinced she loved him. I don't think she did but she was brainwashed into thinking that when he hit her, when he hit us, it was okay."

"I'm sorry." Jacob said quietly.

"Wasn't your fault." I said, trying to smile. He just looked at me with this sympathetic expression, I almost couldn't stand it. "Sorry, Jake. That was a long time ago, I shouldn't try to entertain you with stories that don't matter."

"But I asked." Jacob said. Good old Jake, how would I survive without him? "We'd better go back and see what's going on." He suggested, starting to climb down. I stayed, going back there was the last thing I wanted to do at the moment.

"You go ahead." I said, "I'll catch up in a bit."

"If you say so." He climbed all the way down before seeming to remember something. He turned and looked back up the tree. "Avelina?"

"Yes?" I called back down.

"That man, the one you loved, what was his name?" Jake asked. He always seemed to forget that one when he wanted a question, but that was okay. As bad as the rest of my answers seemed, I never wanted to give him that one.

"Sorry Jake." I said with a smile. "But you already used your one question."

How did you like Avelina's POV? I didn't plan on it but I wanted to get inside her head for a while, and I took all of you with me! We shall return to Jacob in the next chapter.

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