A/N: I've been on a long hiatus, but I'm back! Sorry, sorry, 1,000 times sorry for not getting this out during Christmastime! I suppose it could be considered a "Christmas in July" special...hmmm...But anyway I have been busy for the past several months and have been completely uninspired to write anything, but now I'm back~! So please, after a much needed break, enjoy the latest chapter of Tobi Tales, It's a Tobi-full Life!
Wow...I think this is the longest Tobi Tales chapter yet...well, I did have nearly 7 months to write it...
Also, I'm going to revise some of the previous chapters, to fix grammar and spelling mistakes, etc. I haven't decided what the next chapter of this story will be yet. It'll just have to be a surprise!
For more ninja Christmas-related humor please check out my other holiday-related Naruto fic, Kristmas in Konoha.
Please enjoy Tobi Tales chapter 11, It's a Tobi-full Life
This story takes place before Sasori died and before Tobi officially joined Akatsuki.
Disclaimer: NARUTO belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and It's a Wonderful Life was directed by Frank Capra; the company is Liberty Films. This story was written by me! Without further ado, here's the chapter.
Chapter 11: Tobi Tales "Christmas in July" Special! It's A Tobi-full Life
Itachi woke up one Christmas Eve morning with a resolution. "Being grouchy all the time really sucks. I mean, look at where it's got me! From now on, I'm going to be a whole new person and turn over a new leaf!"
Itachi walked downstairs for breakfast. Deidara was sitting at the table, eating a bowl of cereal.
"Merry Christmas Eve! Good morning, Deidara."
"Get the hell away from me you damn Uchiha," grumbled Deidara. The artist took his cereal and walked away.
Itachi's face fell, but he quickly brightened up when a new idea came to him. "I'll make breakfast for everyone!" Itachi gathered breakfast ingredients, pots and pans and proceeded to cook a gourmet breakfast.
Two hours later...
Itachi trudged up the stairs to wake everyone. It was almost noon and no one had come downstairs.
Knock! Knock! Knock!
"Konan, wake up! It's almost noon and I made breakfast for every-"
Itachi never finished his sentence, for at that moment he ducked to avoid being beheaded by an origami axe.
"GET OUT OF MY ROOM, YOU PERVERT!" she shrieked, throwing additional lethal origami weapons.
Itachi quickly scurried away like a frightened weasel. He continued on to Sasori's room.
"Wake up, Sasori! I made breakfast!"
"I'm a puppet, dumbass," grumbled the sand-nin, "I don't eat. And I don't sleep, either. Now go away before I turn you into a puppet, just like this guy."
Sasori held up a gruesome, half-finished puppet. Itachi ran away.
The Uchiha's attempts to wake the rest of the Akatsuki failed miserably, except for one.
"#ing awesome! Breakfast!" exclaimed and excessively swore Hidan. He began stuffing his face until he consumed a glass of milk. He gagged and coughed. "Agh! Cow's milk?! I'm #ing lactose intolerant, you #ing #er!" even more excessively swore the foul-mouthed grim reaper. He stormed away, continuing to shout edited profanities.
Itachi sighed. "I suppose I could go into town and help out those less fortunate than I am..."
Sometime later...
Itachi found himself outside of a homeless shelter. "I can help people here," he said, and walked in.
"Hi, can I help with-"
"Hey, back of the line, jerk!" said a man.
"No, I'm just here to-"
Suddenly, a rich billionaire-type of man walked in. "Hey, everyone! I'm a rich billionaire-type of man, and, for plot convenience, I've decided to give you all lakeside condos!" declared the man. His eyes were drawn to Itachi, "Except that shifty guy in the corner. Look at him with those eye color-changing contacts, and those manicured nails, and that fancy dress!"
"It's a CLOAK!" protested the weasel.
"Whatever. You're not wanted here. Get out!"
Itachi sighed and walked out. He took a last glance in and saw the billionaire throwing money into the air for the homeless.
Itachi sulked. "No matter how hard I try to do good deeds, it blows up in my face, just like everything else I've loved!"
"Wow. I got a puppy for Christmas! I'm gonna love him, and hug him, and call him Mr. Cuddles."
KA-BOOM!
"Wahhh!"
A few years later....
"Don't worry; I'll help with the family reunion!"
Itachi's father shook his head. "No, Itachi, I don't think that's a good-"
"Nonsense, father! I love everyone in our clan. Every. Last. Damn. One. Except Sasuke. He's kind of annoying. "
That night...
"Why, Itachi?! Why, nii-san?!" sobbed Sasuke.
"B-but I-I was just trying to help!"
Itachi found himself at Tenchi Bridge.
"Every time I try to help someone, it makes everything worse! I should just end it all now!"
Suddenly, there was loud "Nooooooooooo!" and an orange-masked ninja shot down out of the heavens (Ok, no, it was really just out of a tree). He appeared to be aiming for Itachi but missed. He went flying, and then disappeared.
Itachi, taking this to be a figment of his imagination, shook his head and proceeded with his plan.
For a second time, the masked ninja shouted "Noooooo!" but Itachi was expecting it this time. His eyes changed from normal sharingan to the next level. "MANGEKYO SHARINGAN!"
The ninja stopped and comically collapsed anime-style.
Assuming that he had rid himself of the pest, Itachi walked back to the bridge, but was having second thoughts. "Hmm...it looks kind of far down... and isn't the canal drained during the winter? Come to think of it....no, I'm not going through with this."
Itachi turned to walk away, but for a third time the masked ninja ran at him and shouted "Noooo!"
The masked ninja - Tobi - hit Itachi, and accidentally sent the weasel flying off the bridge.
"AAAHHHHHHH!!"
THUD!
Tobi peeked over the edge.
"Oops."
"Tobi jumped to save Itachi-sama."
"Well that didn't work out very well, did it?" grumbled Itachi, nursing a large lump on his head.
"Tobi is sorry. Tobi did not know that the canal was drained for the winter."
"Who the heck are you, anyway?"
"Tobi is your guardian ninja, AS2."
"AS2?"
"Akatsuki Second Class."
"If you're Akatsuki, then where's your cloak?"
"Tobi hasn't earned his cloak yet."
"Yeah...right...that bridge is starting to look real appealing again..."
"Itachi-sama, why do you say that?"
"Because, everyone would be better off without me! Maybe it would have been better if I had never been born!"
"Itachi-sama mustn't say things like that!"
"I wish I'd never been born!!!"
Tobi chucked a snowball at him.
Itachi wiped the snow out of his eyes. "What was that for?"
"Itachi-sama has his wish. You have never been born."
"What are you talking abou- what - hey, my eyes are better! I knew those medications would pay off!"
"Itachi-sama's eyesight is better because you haven't been born."
"Look, just because my eyesight is better doesn't prove anything!"
"Really? Then look at your wallet."
"Um...I don't own a wallet."
"Then what is this?" Tobi held up a wallet.
"What? That's not my wallet!"
"Then why is Itachi-sama's driver's license in it?"
"Huh?"
Before Itachi could respond, the wallet poofed! away in a puff of smoke. "Ugh...this is just too weird. I'm going back to the Akatsuki lair."
The ninjas were almost to the hideout when Itachi stopped in his tracks. Despite his distance from it, Itachi saw bright lights emanating from the cave.
"WHAT?! It's turned into a nightclub? When did that happen?!"
"No Itachi-sama, there never was an Akatsuki lair."
"You're not making any sense," said Itachi as he continued walking towards the club. "At least I can get a drink here and sort out what's been happening."
They entered the club and sat at a table right next to a stage. Soon, a waiter arrived to take their orders.
"Tobi would like a strawberry float with a cherry on top."
The waiter quickly hid a laugh with a sudden fit of coughing. He turned to Itachi, "And for you, sir?"
"Get me something strong. I need to forget what's happened."
"Ah, the chef's special. Excellent choice," the waiter pulled out a piece of paper, "But please sign this waiver." The waiter walked away to get their drinks.
Itachi went to take something out of his pockets. "I guess I don't need my eye medications anymore - hey, where'd they go?"
"Tobi told Itachi-sama that you don't exist."
"Eh, I probably just dropped them. But seriously, who are y-"
At that moment, Itachi heard a familiar voice.
"For the last time, I'm a DUDE!"
"Shut up! Get out there and dance!"
Onto the stage walked a blond.
It was Deidara.
Itachi's eyes widened in shock and amusement. "Deidara, what are you doing here?"
"Do I know you?"
"Hello! I'm Itachi! Don't you remember? You hate me!"
"Hmm...nope."
"BOO! DANCE!" shouted a customer in the audience; another chucked a can at him.
"Ow!" cried the blond, rubbing his head.
Deidara continued to be booed off stage. Tobi tugged at Itachi's sleeve. "Come, we must leave."
"Why? We just got here."
"Because Tobi did not bring any money to pay for the drinks. Run, Itachi-sama!"
"I need to talk to Kisame," stated Itachi after he and Tobi ran out of the club.
"Follow Tobi..."
The ninjas walked down a street lined with restaurants.
"Where is he?" asked the Uchiha. Tobi pointed to a sushi bar.
A sign in the window read: 'Today's Special: Shark Sushi.'
Itachi ran to the window, mourning over the sushi pieces. "No! Kisame! Why?! You were slightly less lame than everyone else!"
Itachi continued to mourn the sushi.
"Excuse me, can I help you?" inquired a familiar voice.
Itachi stopped sobbing and spun around. "Kisame! You're not dead! I need your help; I've been having one crazy night – wait, why are you working at a sushi bar?"
"Do I…know you?"
"Not you too!"
"Hey, fish boy," said the sushi bar owner, "Get back inside the tank and entertain our customers."
"Yes sir," glumly replied Kisame. He donned a Koi costume and climbed into a giant fish tank. "Glub, glub, glub, glub," he feebly spoke as he unenthusiastically flapped his hands like fins.
Itachi and Tobi walked out.
"Man, everyone's gone crazy! What's up with –"
A bus drove by with an advertisement portraying Hidan, who was now a famous heavy metal singer.
"What the-?"
"Yes," replied Tobi, "Hidan is a very famous singer now. Kakuzu is his manager, financial advisor, and the richest man in the world."
"Now that I think about it, that's not too surprising," said Itachi, "But what about everyone else?"
"Without you as a member, the Akatsuki never existed."
"That doesn't make any sense. Wouldn't it make more sense in this plot for Pain to never have existed?"
Tobi chucked another snowball at Itachi.
SPLAT!
"What was that for?!" yelled Itachi, wiping snow out of his face.
"Itachi-sama must stop breaking the fourth wall."
Something had been bothering Itachi. "Tobi...Where's my little brother? Where's Sasuke?"
"Tobi cannot show you."
Itachi's eyes narrowed and he grabbed Tobi by the collar. "Why?!"
"Because Tobi does not know the way to Konoha!"
Itachi sighed exasperatedly. "Just follow me." He started running as fast as he could to Konoha.
"Wait, Itachi-sama! Tobi has shorter legs than you! Tobi cannot keep up! Wait for Tobi!"
Itachi arrived at the gates of Konoha. "Alright…I'm finally here…" he looked behind him. "It looks like I lost Tobi too…" Itachi gave a grin of satisfaction and turned back to the gates.
"Hi, Itachi-sama!" The masked ninja popped right in front of Itachi's face. The Uchiha gave a startled yell and fell over.
"Dammit…" muttered the weasel, getting up from the ground, "I thought I got rid of you…"
"Nope. Itachi-sama won't be rid of Tobi for a looooong time." Tobi gave what Itachi could have sworn to be an evil chuckle.
The Uchiha turned back to the gates and took a step inside when he noticed that the gates of Konoha were emblazoned with the Uchiha crest. He had a bad feeling about this.
Itachi hadn't walked more than a block when he was arrested by a group of dark-haired men wearing vests with the Uchiha crest.
"Hey, what do you think you're doing?"
"You're under arrest for impersonating an Uchiha."
"But I AM an Uchiha!" protested Itachi.
The men clearly did not believe him; they Itachi restrained and lead him to what used to be the Hokage's office. It now resembled a palace. Itachi looked around at the rest of the village, surprised by how different it looked. Suddenly, he was shocked to see a familiar face residing on Hokage Rock. Its former faces had undoubtedly been destroyed and now a new face dominated the cliff:
Sasuke's.
Inside the Palace…
Uchiha Sasuke sat on a throne, surrounded by servants, advisors, and random people to boss around. Sasuke turned to a man who was in charge of writing laws. "New decree!" declared the Uchiha, "Everyone shall now address me as 'Sasuke-sama of Sexiness' or 'Your Sexiness' for short!"
"Yes, Sasuke-sama!"
Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "What was that?"
"Er…yes, Your Sexiness!"
Suddenly, the police arrived, dragging Itachi along with them. "Sasuke-sa – "
The man shook his head and walked over the police, handing him the new decree. The policemen read it.
"Er, Sasuke-sama of Sexiness, this man has been arrested for impersonating an Uchiha. What shall his punishment be?"
Sasuke, who was examining his nails, glanced at Itachi, looked back at his nails, and responded lazily, "Throw him in the biju pit."
"The biju pit?!" squeaked Itachi in a frightened, high-pitched voice.
The police lead Itachi away. Itachi struggled against them, and turned back to face Sasuke.
"Wait! Sasuke, don't you recognize me?"
"Hmm…well, you do sort of resemble an older, more feminine version of myself."
An anger mark appeared on Itachi's head. "It's me! Uchiha Itachi! Your beloved older brother! Well…maybe not beloved…I kind of killed our whole clan and left you alive to avenge them by killing me…
"By the way, why haven't you gone all 'revenge mode' now?"
Sasuke did not hear a word of Itachi's explanation, too preoccupied with looking at himself in a hand mirror. "Wow, I'm gorgeous," he muttered, then put the mirror down and examined his hands again."Servants! Get in here! My nails need filing and my cuticles need cream!"
A group of shrieking girls, including Sakura and Ino, entered the room crying, "Kyaaaa! Sasuke-kun!!!"
Itachi sighed. "Some things never change…"
Tobi appeared out of thin air again, shouting, "Hi Itachi-sama!"
"Where did you come from?"
"Tobi is a magician!" he pulled a black silk top hat from his cloak. "See?" he pulled a rabbit out of the hat, which hopped twice then keeled over, not moving.
Itachi stared blankly at the rabbit, and then turned back to Tobi. "Can you explain to me what's going on?"
"Without you to kill the clan, the Uchihas' coup was successful. They took over Konoha, renamed it Uchiwagakure, 'The Village hidden in the Fan', and when your parents died of food poisoning, Sasuke became the head of the village."
"Food poisoning? They were murdered?"
"No, they liked blowfish a little too much. Now don't interrupt Tobi.
"Sasuke has complete control over the village, and over the past few years has obtained all the biju. As you can see, he's obsessed with his looks and has servants waiting on him hand and foot."
"No!" cried Itachi, "Sasuke's become a complete wuss! I'd rather see him revenge-crazed any day than wimpy, albeit living a happy life! I have to stop this! I want to live again!"
Tobi chucked a snowball at Itachi.
Itachi bolted upright in his hospital bed, a snow-like substance spilled down his front.
"Aw, a dropped my snow cone," grumbled a familiar voice.
Itachi looked up. Kisame, sitting next to Itachi, was staring forlornly at the snow cone he'd dropped.
"Kisame!" cried Itachi, "You're not working at a sushi shop!"
Kisame gave him a quizzical look.
Itachi looked around. He was in a hospital room, surrounded by fellow Akatsuki members Pain, Hidan, Sasori, Deidara, Kakuzu and Zetsu.
"Where's Tobi?" asked the Uchiha
"Who's Tobi, Itachi?"
"He's the one that showed me the meaning of my life!"
"Itachi, you've been unconscious for three days. You fell off Tenchi bridge."
"Then…then it was all a dream? It felt so real… you were in it," he pointed to Kisame, "and you were in it," he pointed to Deidara, "and you were in it," he pointed to Hidan, "and that invisible guy in the corner was in it!" He pointed to an empty corner. The Akatsuki members exchanged glances.
"Was I in it?" asked Pain.
"No, you weren't in it," replied Itachi. Pain looked disgruntled.
Itachi continued speaking, "But Tobi – I could have sworn he was re – "
Itachi glanced out the window. Outside in the falling snow, Tobi was leaning a tree. A magical shimmer appeared around the masked ninja, and suddenly he was wearing an Akatsuki cloak.
Then a large amount of snow fell on him.
Pain, trying to gain attention, said, "Hey guys, what do you get when you cross the nine-tailed jinchuriki and me?"
Everyone shook their heads.
"The end of the world!" smiled Pain.
There was an awkward silence.
Pain's face fell. "It's supposed to be a joke," he said threateningly.
Everyone laughed uneasily. "Look, Hidan!" said Kisame, "Every time leader-sama tells a joke, an Akatsuki member gets his cloak."
"You #ing made that # up you ## #er!" Excessively swore Hidan.
"Yeah," smiled Kisame, "I did."
"That's right, Kisame, that's right!" said Itachi. "This experience has changed me – I'm going to wish everyone a Merry Christmas!" and with that, Itachi jumped out of bed and ran out of the room. Then he ran back in and grabbed his cloak, because he realized that he was only wearing a hospital gown.
"Merry Christmas, Konohagakure!"
"REVENGE!!" insanely yelled Sasuke, charging at Itachi with a Chidori.
"RASENGAN!!" shouted Naruto at the same time, also aiming for Itachi.
"Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad!" shouted Itachi, running past the graves of his murdered parents.
"Go to hell," replied the ghosts of his mother and father.
"Merry Christmas, Orochimaru!"
"Oh, you know what would make it even MERRIER, Itachi-kun…" said Orochimaru suggestively.
Itachi gave a shriek and ran away.
"Merry Christmas, Akatsuki Hideou- "Itachi stopped in his tracks "What the hell? Why's it still a nightclub?!" he asked Pain.
"Eh, Kakuzu's not making enough from bounties. We needed another source of income."