Disclaimer: Don't own anything concerning plot, characters, music, etc., but most of this chapter comes from my own warp imagination and has little relevancy in the Tickled Pink universe. I still have to go back an edit the previous chapter before attempting to edit this epilogue in the Tickled Pink universe that went with Samcedesweek a strip routine in a spouse office, and I got too bogged down with issues to get smutty, but this is my once a month epilogue for this story for all those who loved Ordered to Marry.
Epilogue 1
"Mercedes, I admit I am a bit curious as to why you wanted to start seeing me again." Dr. Carmen Tibideaux had been speculating as to why Mercedes Evans had called her and scheduled an appointment that was out of the blue and could not fathom a reason. Her sessions with the superstar had been her most successful. She never had a client so dedicated to her well-being as Mercedes had been and she had even written a book about how to avoid avoidance based on their sessions together.
"Carmen, I just have so much pressure on me from my husband, my best friend, and my in-laws and even my father has joined the bandwagon of asking me when I am going to become pregnant or if I am pregnant yet. I know I told Sam that I was willing to have two to three children after this last tour, but for some reason I just can't stop taking my birth control pills."
"Well, the last time we talked about your future you mentioned that motherhood was a part of your plans." Carmen had read her notes and listened to her final session with Mercedes before meeting with her today just in case something from their previous sessions were going to be the reason why Mercedes was coming to see her for therapy.
"I know and I told everyone that too not realizing that with my career being so busy that I had the perfect excuse to say that I was ready to embrace becoming mother in the future, but I couldn't focus on that at the time because I was too busy with my career, my husband, our family and friends, and our dogs."
"So, you were telling people what they wanted to hear without really considering that you were prevaricating. However, you also told me the same thing, and I could care less whether or not you decided to have children or not."
"I admit I was practicing self-deception at the time. I wanted to please people and believe that I was ready to be a mother when that was far from true."
"Motherhood is something that you were self deceiving yourself about."
"Exactly, at the time I was feeling good. I was in love and loved, and my best friend had beat cancer and was facing pregnancy in her condition without the slightest fear. I figured if Tina was strong enough to risk her health because we all know how cancer comes back and carry her baby, then when it came time for me to be a mommy, that I would be able to do the same."
"Now everybody feels that it is time for you to be a mommy, and you realize you are not able to do the same."
"I thought I had successfully dealt with all my Mother Dearest issues, but apparently I haven't. I have dreams that I have a little girl with eyes like my own, and I see tears welling up in her eyes, and I hear my voice telling her that Marshall women don't cry. My biggest fear is that I am going to become my mother. Then I realize I have never been mothered by someone with a mother's instinct. What if I will become like my mother?"
"Now we are getting to the root of the issue. It is not motherhood that you fear, but you fear that you will become like your mother and verbal abuse your child by being a tiger mother."
"I don't think that I would push my child to be a singer like my mom pushed me to go into law, but there are several things she did in rearing me, that I am afraid that I will do once I become a mom. Tina has told me how she says things her mom used to say and does things her mom used to do all the time now, and I have read and heard others say the same thing. I just don't want that to happen to me. Sam and I both had screwed up moms, but Sam's dad is so cool. And I know that Sam would be a great father. He is a great godfather to Tina's and Mike's baby girl. When I see Sam playing with Mindy, my heart melts. We babysit her from time to time, and because I was an only child and never babysat, Sam does much of the work because he helped his mom with his siblings when they were little."
"Mercedes, every new mom has insecurities about being a good parent. Being a mother is the hardest job there is, and the people who think that rearing a child is easy need to see me so that I can examine their head. There is nothing wrong with you for having these insecurities. However, if you avoiding motherhood based on fear of becoming like your mother, then I can help you with that issue."
"Honestly, Carmen, I didn't even know how to change a diaper before Mindy or feed or burp a baby. Sam and Tina had to teach me everything. And Mindy was so small that it took several weeks before I felt comfortable enough to hold her for an extended period of time. When we took care of her so that Mike and Tina could have their date night and resume relations after the six weeks wait, I was a nervous wreck. If it wasn't for Sam, I don't know what I would have done. Before Mindy, I would have told anyone that yes I was ready to be a mom in a couple of years, but after hearing Tina saying she has become more and more like her mom, an overwhelming fear has entrenched itself in my heart that makes me irrational and fear motherhood, and I don't even know if you are going to be able to help me."
"I will be able to work with you on your fear, but you should never let fear control you. You have to honestly ask yourself if you want to have a child with Sam. Do you think that Sam deserves to be a father, and are you willing to deal with your issues so you can be the mother to his kids. I know how you treat your pets, and I bet you take even better care of Mindy, so I don't think you have a problem with nurturing."
"I never had puppies, so I can't compare my care of my pets to being a mommy. Also, Mindy is not my daughter, so I can't base my actions and words towards her as an indicator of how I would be with a child of my own. I know that Sam wants and deserves a child of his own. I just …"
Carmen waited on Mercedes knowing that in order for therapy to be successful you can't tell a client what to do, that person had to come to the realization on their own.
"I just don't want to have a child who ends up with a mother like my mom."
"Mercedes, your mother was not a good parent. However, do you see your life as a failure?"
"No, I am not a failure. I was able to become the person that I am despite having her in my life."
"So, even if you screwed up as a parent and began acting like your mother there is a good chance that your child will be just like you. Is that a bad thing giving the world another Mercedes?"
"Well I would feel conceited if I said no, it wouldn't be a bad thing, but I understand what you are trying to get me to realize. If I do become my mother, my child would probably become me and rise above and still fulfill his or her destiny and just have to visit a therapist now and again to deal with his or her issues. Intellectually I know this, but practically right now I am unable to deal with it."
"So, I guess you and Sam are no longer having sex."
"The only time we are not burning up the sheets is when I am on my period, we are too tired, or we are a part from each other."
"You know that there is no 100% method of birth control, so what happens if you get pregnant despite being on the pill. Are you going to abort the child?"
"Hell no! I would never do anything to hurt my baby!"
"That was one test that you have passed already." Carmen said nodding at Mercedes seeing the anger in her eyes and the look of incredulity that followed.
"If you are this protective over an imaginary fetus, I don't think you have to worry about having love for a real child that is part you and part the love of your life Sam Evans."
"I never thought of it that way Carmen. But you are right. I could be pregnant now and not know it, and I am going to continue with the sessions with you if you don't mind. This is the most peace I have felt in a long time, since being bombarded with my loved ones baby fever."
"Mercedes, I know that you are strong enough to not allow anyone to pressure you into an unwanted pregnancy. But you are going to have to discuss this with Sam, and I want him to come with you to your next session. Now you know I always give homework. Your first assignment is to have an honest conversation with your husband about your fears and doubts, and the second is to list all the good things about you that your loved ones say about you. Even though you had a crappy mother, you are not a crappy wife, friend, daughter in law, sister in law, etc. So that in the worse case scenario your fears are true see if you could live with yourself if your fears are realized and you have a child who ends up being just like you."
"It's going to hurt like hell, but I know I have to talk to Sam, and I will do the homework assignment, but I don't want to repeat the cycle of abuse that I experienced that is the entire basis of my fear. I know I was able to survive but I have these scars, and I just have to trust that I will be able to benefit from these therapy sessions with you.
"That is all I can ask of you is to trust that we will both do our best to help you. Have a great afternoon, and you can call me when you have spoken to Sam so my receptionist can schedule a time that is convenient to both you and that husband of yours."
The two exchanged goodbyes, and Mercedes headed home with trepidation. When Sam finished working for his dad, the two of them had worked together design a dream home that would house both her in home studio and his art studio/office for his comic business. Dwight had overseen the building of their dream home while Mercedes was on tour, and driving to their estate that had ever amenity that the two could think of usually filled Mercedes with joy, but today after using her fingertips, retina scan, and five digit code into the security feature of her fence that she had to go through when entering the property, Mercedes was filled with trepidation.
Sam had wanted to keep the Puke Puckerman and even their parents and especially his little brother Stevie from having easy access to their home, and he bought the most secure gate there was so it was a three tiered security system that even if someone lifted a fingerprint it would be hard to bypass their gate and get entrance before even attempting to get inside their house. Sam had wanted a big house for the seven kids that he constantly teased her about having, and when she would begin singing and rapping "It Takes Two", referencing the two kids that she promised him and the two of them, it would distract him especially when she began her dancing, and they would end up in the bedroom more often than not.
Mercedes parked her car in their seven car garage and entered the house through the garage noticing that Sam's car was parked in its place, and she was not ready to have this conversation with him, but she knew she must. She let herself in and headed towards the bar to fix herself a little drink for liquid courage. She was not known to turn up during the week, but right now a shot of some brown liquor was what she needed for courage.
After having her drink, Mercedes checked to see if her phone was still on vibrate. The running joke of her and Sam's marital life had been interruptions mostly caused by their cell phones. One of the things that they had decided to do while in couple's therapy was to turn their phones off whenever they were having conversations and had given their loved ones a house phone number to only use in emergencies if they couldn't reach them by their cell phones.
Mercedes climbed the stairs to Sam's office/man cave. In the three storied home the basement contained her studio and it was the dogs domain. Because Mindy was allergic to dogs, the dogs were not allowed to roam the house but had their own space downstairs which was convenient to take them out on walks. Their first story was for company with the kitchen, great room, bathrooms, and four of the bedrooms located on that floor. Their second floor was for Mercedes and Sam and had a kitchenette, den, their master bedroom, and two bedrooms for their two future kids. The very top floor was Sam's domain where he worked in a safe distance from not being distracted by her presence. Plus he had his game room, restroom, gym equipment, and micro fridge.
Mercedes rarely climbed the steps to see Sam, so he was always sure to never to worry about having to be interrupted by her when he wanted to work or have his "man time."
She found Sam with headphones on rapping along with Beastie Boys' "Fight for Your Right" while he drew a fight scene between his heroine and her enemy. She hated to interrupt him while he was in the zone, but she new not to procrastinate. She had to talk to him, and it had to be now. She waited until he finished drawing or the song finished playing she wasn't sure which happened first before grabbing his attention by removing his headphones and tracing his ear with her tongue before he swung around in the chair and pulled her into his lap and kissed her as if they hadn't seen each other in days instead of the four hours that had passed since they saw each other last.
"Sam…" Mercedes tried to talk but her husband was only focused on making love to her thinking that she had come to his office for love play which she made the mistake of licking his ear which made him assume that was why she had come up to his domain.
Sam could hear Mercedes' voice, but he couldn't stop himself from kissing his wife. She was a dream come true, and if she wanted some Afternoon Delight then he couldn't stop himself from giving in to her desires. He couldn't to kiss her lips until his mouth was satisfied with tasting her honeyed depths and sought the saltier taste of her skin her neck was looking love bite free and he knew just what he needed to do to remedy this.
As soon as Sam stop kissing her mouth and began to suck on her neck, Mercedes knew she was going to have to stop him because she was not wasting her concealer on covering up his love bites above the shoulders. "Sam, baby this feels good, but we have to stop and talk it is important." Mercedes was finally able to say grabbing Sam's face with her hands forcing him to look into her eyes.
"What's going on darling?" Sam said as he moved his hands down to adjust himself. Sammy Jr. wasn't about to get any so he needed to calm himself down so he could focus on his wife.
"I just left my therapy session with Dr. Tibideaux, and she made me realize that I needed to tell you why I have been waking up in a cold sweat these past nights and have been having nightmares."
"You know you can tell me anything baby, I won't judge you, I swear." Sam said looking at his wife not realizing that one she had an appointment with her therapist and two that she had been afraid to talk to him about her fears.
"You know how you and everybody else have been asking me if and when I am going to be pregnant, and I just smile and either distract you with loving to make the babies or tell them when God wills it…"
"Have you been to the doctor and found out that you can't have babies? Mercedes it is okay if you can't have our baby we can adopt or look into surrogacy." Sam said cradling his wife in his arms. Sure he wanted kids, but if he never had kids with Mercedes he would still be complete. She was all he needed, the kids they would have would have only been a bonus.
"Sam, I don't deserve you as a husband. That is so sweet of you, but as far as I know there is not a medical reason to prevent me from having our children. I just fear that I will become my mother if we had children, and I have been unable to stop taking birth control because I have nightmares that we have a little girl with eyes like my own, and I am saying to her the things my mother said to me. Sam we know that children who have abusive parents grow up to be abusers. And I am afraid that if I had a child of our own that I would be emotionally abusive and too demanding of a parent like my mom and cause our children to have the issues I have now."
Sam couldn't believe the words that were coming out of his wife's mouth. She had promised she was going to stop taking the pills as soon as she sung her last song on her world wide tour. He never questioned her to see if she had or not; she was so trustworthy that he couldn't understand why she would deceive him about something so important. They had discussed having kids in length in therapy and out of therapy and both had said they wanted to have them. It was hard for him to wrap his head around her confession until she got to the real issue, she was afraid of becoming her mother, and Sam no matter how disappointed he was in her could no longer feel upset. He knew the scars they both had. Her scars ran deeper because her mother was a bitch queen from the pits of hell, but they had both been able to tolerate her because she knew they wouldn't tolerate her hateful comments and behavior anymore.
Sam realized just how hesitant his wife was when they first took care of Mindy and how she spoiled the little girl rotten by never being the disciplinarian. Sam had to be the one that corrected behavior. He figured that with their kids that he would have to be the one in charge of discipline because his wife was just too tenderhearted to do it. Now realizing she was having nightmares about becoming her mother, he could understand why she had done what she had done, but it still hurt that she didn't come to him, and he told her so.
"I am sorry Sam. I was deceiving you all and I was deceiving myself. I didn't realize until Mindy that I had this problem, and it was when Tina said she was becoming more and more like her mother and I had heard other mothers say the same thing that I began to worry. Plus you know how some parents try to do the opposite of what their parents did and this could be a problem too. I realize that I can't even discipline a two year old who is in her Terrible Twos because I am afraid of being too much like my mom and demanding perfection. I know that you will be the perfect father, and still that isn't enough to alleviate my fears of being the worst mother in the world."
"Mercedes, I can understand why you have done what you have done, but it still hurts that after we have paid thousands in counseling for communication, that you still didn't come to me with this. I know you were afraid of letting me down because you know I want kids, but your mental health is more important to me than to have children of our own. I am sure all parents have the same fears you have, and there is no such thing as a perfect person, so you need to stop worrying about being a perfect mother because there is no such thing."
"I was wrong Sam, and I apologized for my actions. I know that intellectually you are right, but I have irrational fears Sam that cause me nightmares and make my heart tense up in pain at the thought of hurting one of our children, and I just need you, therapy, and time to decide what is going to be best for us Sam."
"I can't say I understand where you are coming from because I can't. You are the most nurturing, caring, and authentically real person I know. You have helped raised millions for cancer research, you inspire people at your concerts, and you can't see just how awesome you are. I felt unworthy to be your man because you are all that and beautiful, intelligent, and sexy as hell as well. Even if you lose your mind and become like your mother, if we had a child who was only a quarter of you, then I would be a blessed man."
"Sam, I hear your words, and I know that I am blessed to have you as my husband and maybe you see me through eyes of love then who I am truly am, so I will let you believe all that you say, but you know that when you married me and decided to stay married to me that I have issues, and my issues are irrational, but a product of my upbringing. You always want more for your child, Sam. And looking at my daughter's face in my dreams after I am so harsh with her, it breaks me Sam it breaks me every damn time, and I don't think I could live with myself if I actually do or say any of things my mom did or said to me or if I am the totally opposite and have a spoilt brat that nobody wants to be around because I failed to effectively discipline and train my child."
"The way you talk makes me optimistic."
"Have you lost your mind husband of mine?"
"Yes, I am optimistic because you care already for unborn children that we may or may not be blessed with. You are not your mother or can magically turn into your mother from giving birth. Yes, there is postpartum depression and all kinds of things that can happen after delivery. I can't promise that you will be a good mother or that I would even be a good daddy. If our child looks like you and looks up to me with your eyes I would probably be the daddy who does all the spoiling and deny her nothing. We don't know how we are going to be as parents until we become parents. I am willing to try anything with you because I love and respect you. You are a part of me. When we became married we became one Samcedes. I know that nothing I say will alleviate your fears, but I hope that you can trust and know that you can come to me with anything and I will try not to judge you but understand you and love you as I always have and always will do."
"I am going to try Sam. You are going to have to be patient with me. I hear you words, and I know that I love you with the same ferocity and if the table was turned I would be saying the same words to you. You are my heart. Now, before I become a blubbering fool can you look at your calendar. We need to call and schedule an appointment with Dr. Tibideaux so she can help me with my irrational fears. I am afraid, Sam, and I am going to need your support and your love to overcome my fears."
"It is okay to be afraid as long as you are trying to alleviate the fear. I will do my part, and if we decide not to have children, I just want you to know that I am okay with this. You are the most important person in my life, and I won't risk your mental health for babies. We can always babysit, foster, or mentor kids, but our marriage is important to me, and I want us to both be okay."
"You always talk about being unworthy of being my husband, when in truth I don't deserve you either. You are the best Sam Evans, and I know that with you I can face my fears because of your love, acceptance, and understanding, I am more positive now then I have been all year. I love you Sam Evans." Mercedes said before gently lowering his head to kiss him softly and tenderly before taking his phone and finding a song to give him evidence of how much she loved him.
She chose Ciara's "Ride", and did a slow striptease before giving him a lap dance that concluded with them going to bed after Mercedes rode him slow and hard to beat of the song that was on repeat, and her man was anything but mad when they finally showered before eating dinner and going to bed. She knew sex didn't solve anything, but Mercedes had to show her man how much she appreciated him and loved him because she was grateful that he was her husband and would stick with her through the good and bad and as in the words of Al Green "happy or sad". They would stay together and support each other and that is what she needed most.