Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.
Gratitude and cupcakes to my betas.
Now, on with the show.
Bella and Alice closed the bookstore together Tuesday night. Once the last customer left, Bella locked the doors and Alice counted out the register.
"Got any plans tonight, Bella?" Alice inquired.
"Nope." Bella gathered the trash bins and took them out back to empty. "You?" she asked Alice a moment later, returning with the bins.
"Nothing." Alice sighed. "We should go out to dinner!"
Bella frowned. "Alice, I'm not in the mood for people tonight." Alice's face fell in disappointment. With a grimace and a pang of guilt, Bella sighed. "That's not what I meant. I just… well, how about we get take-out and go back to my house? No waitress to tip, no crowded restaurants, just you, me, and the TV."
They settled on Chinese food from the take-out place down the block from Bella's, and soon found themselves cross-legged on the futon sofa, surrounded by little white boxes and wooden chopsticks.
"You were kind of quiet Sunday night," Alice commented. Bella noticed a smirk playing at the edges of her mouth.
"Uh huh," Bella responded, unwilling to commit to anything until she knew where Alice was going with this line of conversation.
"You and Edward work everything out?"
Bella glowered at Alice. "Why do I get the feeling you know more than you are saying?"
Alice's smirk transformed into a full grin, which she unsuccessfully tried to conceal with a mouthful of lo mein. "All I know is how obvious it is that you two are crazy about each other. And I know you had been dancing around each other for weeks. Edward was hardly coming in for his caffeine fix anymore! An intervention was clearly needed."
Bella wanted to be insulted; she willed herself to be indignant. All that came out was a sappy grin.
"So…" Alice began, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. "How was the kiss?"
Bella recalled vividly the moment Edward's lips had met hers. His kiss had truly been like nothing she'd ever felt. She had no idea that a kiss so gentle could be so intense. James' kisses had never once caused that weird feeling in her chest. It was startling, and still very confusing. But part of her really wanted to feel it again, and hoped she got the chance to try.
Opting not to share quite so much as that, Bella summed it up for Alice. "It was perfect."
Alice put the container of lo mein down on the coffee table, looking for the chop suey. "So why did you push him away?"
"God, Alice. Beat around the bush much?" She handed Alice the chop suey and picked up the lo mein. Unsure how to answer Alice's question, she stalled, stirring the food around with her chopsticks.
A long moment passed without words. When Bella peeked up at Alice, she found the girl staring right at her, her expression unfathomable.
Alice tilted her head slightly as if trying to figure out something. Bella watched, bemused, as intuition flashed across her tiny face. "Who hurt you, Bella?"
Shocked, Bella froze up completely. She gripped the chopsticks ferociously, willing her breaths to steady. When Bella didn't answer after a moment, Alice smiled sadly and nodded knowingly. "Who was it?" she asked again.
"My boyfriend, back home in Forks," Bella whispered.
"How bad was it?"
Bella looked distrustfully at Alice, but found only concern in her eyes. Still, the question was improper; it was not something one speaks about in casual conversation. Then again, this conversation hardly felt casual at the moment. Bella reached across the coffee table for the beer she had barely touched and took a long drink; it was slightly warm and tasted yeasty. She made a face but kept it nearby. If the topic of conversation didn't change soon, she would need more of these.
Many more.
Alice was still waiting for an answer, she realized.
"It was bad."
"Was he violent?"
Bella hesitated. "Uh, sometimes."
"How long were you with him?" Alice asked softly.
"Two years. Seven months. Eight days," Bella whispered, chugging the rest of the beer. She hated even thinking about the length of her relationship with James. It was pathetic. Hindsight was, indeed, 20/20, and she was now painfully aware of how incredibly stupid she had been to stay with him for so long. Everything that happened senior year she had essentially brought upon herself.
Bella's gaze fell shamefully to her lap as she thought about her extraordinarily poor choices and all the people who'd suffered because of them. A gasp from Alice, however, brought her eyes back up.
Alice stared at Bella for a long moment. Bella held her gaze unwillingly; something about Alice's expression made it hard for her to look away.
Bella watched in alarm as Alice seemed to come to a conclusion in her own mind. The expression on her face was eerily reminiscent of those Bella had seen in the friends and coworkers of her father at the police department.
"Bella," she began. "Did he… were you…"
How in the hell Alice figured it out, Bella had no clue. But she knew. It was obvious she knew. Her face mirrored the naively misplaced pity Bella had seen entirely too many times in the last year and a half. She confirmed Alice's question with an embarrassed nod.
Alice crossed the sofa in one leap, embracing Bella tightly. "My god, Bella, no wonder…" she murmured. Bella reached for the coffee table and set the beer bottle down before awkwardly returning Alice's hug.
The embrace felt alien to her, and a hard knot formed in her chest as she tried to recall the last time she'd been hugged by another woman. Jake's mom had been the last, she realized – just before she died. That was ten years ago. The memory of the woman Bella had adored like she were her own mother brought up feelings of loss that she usually did her best to keep locked down. They would not be quelled tonight, however, and with the shame of the topic at hand currently burning a hole in her stomach, it was too much to contain. Bella burst into tears.
Alice tried not to be alarmed when Bella's cries turned into outright sobs, opting to just hold her friend and let her cry it out.
Bella cried until the room went dark. When she finally calmed herself down she let go of Alice, who returned to her side of the sofa. "Sorry about that," Bella said softly, wiping her face with her shirt.
Alice shrugged. "That sounded like it was a long time coming." Bella looked at Alice questioningly. "I knew from the moment we met that you were carrying a heavy burden, you know. I could see it." Bella frowned at that information. She'd thought she'd hidden it very well.
"I could see how strong you are, is what I mean. Your heart is heavy, yet you went about, living your life, doing the best you could. But lately, you seemed to be really struggling. It felt like you shut down – like I couldn't reach you. That's why I wanted to have dinner with you tonight. I missed you, Bella." Alice reached for Bella's hand and squeezed it. Bella sighed.
"Who do you talk to about this stuff? A best friend back home? Your mom?" Alice inquired. She looked frightened when Bella start crying again.
"Oh, I'm sorry!" Alice exclaimed remorsefully. "What did I say?"
"It's okay, Alice. I just… I don't have any other girl friends. Jake's really the only friend I have. And I haven't seen my mother in fifteen years." Bella sniffled and sighed in frustration. She hated how out of control her tear ducts were today.
Alice hugged tightly. "You have me. I am your friend. And I will support you as much as you let me."
Bella gave her the best smile she could manage and wiped the tears from her face.
"We need more beer," Alice declared, jumping up and skipping to the fridge for two fresh bottles. She handed one to Bella and sat back down, cross-legged, on the sofa next to her.
After a swig of beer and a long appraising look at Bella, Alice spoke again. "So, I have to ask. Did you go to the hospital? Get one of those kit things done? File a report?"
Bella took a swig of the cold beer and steeled her mind for this conversation. She much preferred to mentally detach herself from what happened; it made it easier to talk about.
Bella nodded. "Yeah, they took me to the hospital. They did a… kit." Her voice wavered; she blinked hard, pushing the memories away. You're just giving the facts, Bella. She inhaled deeply and continued. "I don't know much, but from what I've been told, they x-rayed me from head to toe, did a CT scan, put five stitches in my head, taped up two broken ribs, and I honestly don't even know what else. I was in the hospital for three days." The truth was, she'd spent the first of her three days in a coma. But Alice didn't need to know that.
"My god," Alice whispered. "Where is he now?"
"Prison."
Alice nodded thoughtfully. They shared a few moments of silence while that information settled over the room, heavy and thick.
Alice broke the silence. "Did you date much, before you met him?"
"No. He was my first," Bella answered wistfully. In truth, he had been more than just her first boyfriend. James had been her first kiss. He had given Bella her first drink, her first cigarette. 'And for his final act…' she thought bitterly.
Bella's mind began to disobediently wander down memory lane again. "Bella?" Alice asked worriedly. Bella tried to blink her eyes into focus, only to feel tears sliding down her face.
"Where did you go?" Alice whispered to her friend.
Bella stared at her for a moment, before offering her best attempt at a smile. It looked more like a grimace. "A dark and scary place."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not particularly."
"Okay, then let's change the subject. You want another beer?"
Bella looked at her beer, drank the rest of it, and burped. "Yes, please."
"Thank goodness you have a fridge-full. We may need them." Alice returned from the fridge with more beer and plopped down next to Bella, their knees touching. Bella didn't really know what to make of Alice's close proximity, or the unnecessary physical contact. She debated asking about it, but decided it was comforting, and she didn't really want Alice to stop.
"Tell me something good," Alice smiled. "What did Edward say on Sunday?"
Bella shrugged. "Well, he still wants to see me."
Alice took a sip of beer. "Well, why wouldn't he? You're smart, you're pretty, and you're kind."
"I'm completely screwed up, Alice. I am so damaged I apparently can't even have a friend over for take-out without bursting into tears."
Alice had been debating whether or not to bring it up, but Bella pretty much opened the door with that comment. They were way past pretending everything was okay at this point, anyhow. "Does he know about your panic attacks?"
Bella stiffened. "How do you know about that?" Intuition was one thing, but you don't just guess something like that. Had she been snooping in Bella's things at work? Had Jake and Alice been talking about her behind her back?
Alice placed her hand on Bella's knee tenderly. "When my little sister first came to live with us, she had a panic attack every time she heard a car backfire. It was a lot like what happened with you and Edward that day in the bookstore. I wanted to talk to you about it, but you tried to play it off, so I thought…" Alice sighed. "I don't know what I thought. I guess I figured you'd tell me when you were ready."
Bella nodded thoughtfully, scolding herself for jumping to conclusions.
"Are you seeing a professional? Taking meds?" Alice asked.
Bella squirmed at the question and drank her beer. "Um, I have a prescription from a doctor for Xanax." At least that's a completely honest answer, Bella thought to herself.
The way Alice eyed her, she wondered if Alice had picked up on what Bella hadn't said. She'd have to be more careful around this one, clearly.
"So… does Edward know or not?"
"I told him that I have panic attacks," Bella answered slowly. He didn't need to know anything else right now. Or ever.
"Good," Alice said, punctuating her approval with a swig of beer. "That's out of the way, out in the open, blah blah blah. When are you going out again?"
"Thursday, to see Jasper's band."
Alice clapped cheerfully. "Yay! Oh, damn. I mean, yay, definitely yay, but I won't get to spend time with you because you'll be on a date." Alice's joy turned into a pout, which, much to Bella's amusement, then transformed into a grin again.
"Is he taking you out Friday night, too?"
"No, why?"
"You, me, pizza, chick flick, 8:00pm. What do you say?"
Alice's eyes were bright, whether from a little too much beer or a little too much interest in chick flicks, Bella could not determine. She looked down to where Alice's knee touched hers, and almost smiled. "That sounds good."
x – x – x – x – x
"I love Asian chicken salad," Edward exclaimed as he pulled the lid off the container. "How did you know?"
"I didn't. But I guess it's a good thing you do," Bella grinned. She handed him a bottle of water and opened up her own container. It was a warm August evening, but a cool breeze was blowing, and Bella was grateful for it. She had once again insisted on bringing the food after their date to the Los Angeles County Museum of Art, so they were now enjoying dinner in the park nearby. She had also managed to time their date so that they got in for free. When Edward had realized this, he shot Bella a pointed look, to which she shrugged innocently. Edward knew, of course, that she'd done it on purpose, but was too much of a gentleman to say so.
They ate in comfortable silence, which Bella grateful for. The first couple of dates after the beach party had been awkward; Bella stumbled through them uncomfortably. But Edward was astonishingly patient, and almost seemed to know just when the crowds or conversation got to be too much for her. Like at Jasper's gig – they'd left after only an hour, and found a quiet coffee shop, which they sat in, talking over coffee and pastries. Dutch, of course, at Bella's insistence.
When Edward was finished, he replaced the lid and gazed at Bella earnestly. "Thank you, that was delicious. Next time, however, can it be my turn to provide the meal?"
"You can cook?"
"No," Edward chuckled. "Not at all. I was referring to taking you somewhere where someone with significantly better kitchen skills than myself would prepare us something to eat."
As Edward expected, Bella stiffened visibly at the suggestion. "Please explain that reaction," he said softly.
Bella shrugged, but it was artificial. "I told you why already. I like to pay my own way."
"And I respect that," Edward answered carefully. "But it would make me very happy if you would occasionally permit me to treat you to a lovely meal like you've now done for me four times."
Bella nodded politely, but did not respond. Edward sighed.
x – x – x – x – x
Before Bella knew it, fall quarter was starting. She was busy in the bookstore again, and Edward was taking his last "regular term", as he called it – his last term before officially starting medical school. He called it the 7-year program, but Bella had no idea what that meant. All she knew was they were both busy, and free time was at a premium.
The good part about that was that with their schedules, the relationship had no choice but to progress slowly. The bad part was that on her good days, Bella wished it wasn't going so slow.
Little did Bella know that Edward wished that every single day. There was a certain old-fashionedness about their courting that was very fitting for Bella, and Edward did his best to remember that he was letting her lead. But there were things about Bella that drove him absolutely crazy: the way her bangs fell out around her face when she had her hair up; the way she'd sometimes look up at him through her dark, lush eyelashes; the way her whole face lit up when he made her laugh. Every time he was with her she would do something that would make him want to press her body against his and kiss away every bad thing that ever happened to her; he wanted to hold her until they fused together and became one. He sighed loudly. He was sitting in the coffee lounge, textbook unopened, watching Bella work. A girl wearing a knit cap said something clever; he could not hear it, but he could see Bella's amused reaction. She rolled her eyes as if in annoyance, but one side of her mouth pulled up into a grin despite herself. Every time she did that, she'd inevitably catch herself smiling, bite her lip, and look at the ground. Including this time. Edward shook his head to himself with a smirk and opened his laptop. He did have work to do, after all. Bella's birthday was coming up and he wanted to take her somewhere nice. He thought about the dates they'd been on over the summer; the museums, a concert, the movies. They hadn't returned to the beach after Alice's 4th of July beach party.
But Bella loved the beach.
With a grin, Edward googled Duke's in Malibu and made reservations. Surely she wouldn't deny him a simple meal and a walk along the beach.
The night of their date, Edward knocked on Bella's door holding a dozen roses. Unable to choose a color, and unsure whether Bella was into the whole flower color symbolism thing, he opted for a rainbow. Pinks, corals, yellows, white – a variety of brightly hued buds arranged in a heavy rectangular crystal vase.
They took Bella's breath away. "Oh my god." Edward handed them to her, and she kissed him on the cheek before placing them on the coffee table. "They're beautiful, thank you."
Edward held out his arms, and Bella walked into them, hugging him as he embraced her. It wasn't a kiss; he didn't get a whole lot of those. He enjoyed being able to hold her in his arms nonetheless. "Happy Birthday," he murmured into her hair. "Are you ready to go?" he hinted, noticing her bare feet.
"Um, about that… I thought it might be fun to split a pizza and watch a DVD," Bella suggested. Her smile was a little too bright, Edward thought. She was trying to back out on the date. Damn it – were they back to this?
With a frown, Edward sat down on the futon. Bella followed, her teeth busily chewing up her lower lip. He looked unhappy; this wasn't good. Bella sighed and fingered the hem of her shirt anxiously.
"Bella, I need you to understand something. I mean, really understand." Bella swallowed nervously.
Edward turned slightly so that he was facing her. "I don't expect anything from you. I just like being with you. Taking you to a movie, or to dinner… that's just my way of enjoying your company. It's just a way to spend time with you. Nothing more."
Bella sat stiffly next to him. She understood what he was saying, logically. And in her heart, deep down, she believed him. But her head led these days. And her head would not be dissuaded from its mantra – everybody wants something.
"Can you please tell me why you assume anything else from me?" Edward asked quietly, the hurt evident in his voice.
No, Bella answered to herself. But she knew perfectly well why. The first example was, as Edward had made her recall once before, her birthday dinner with James in Port Angeles. But in truth, every time James had taken Bella out on a 'real' date, he had gotten extra grabby with her. She hadn't been strong enough to say no then, but she would be damned if she'd go down this road again.
Bella's expression halted Edward's indignation. Understanding flashed across his face. "Hey," he said softly, placing his hand on hers. Bella blinked a few times, trying to clear her mind and her expression before meeting his gaze. She found Edward's brows furrowed, his beautiful green eyes sad.
"I am not that guy," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "You deserve to be taken to nice places without expectation of anything in return."
Bella took a steadying breath after these words, and willed away the tears stinging her tear ducts. She wished what he said was true. She wanted to be the girl he described. Someday, she hoped she would be. Unable to think of anything appropriate to say to him, she simply squeezed his hand.
"Will you please let me take you out to dinner for your birthday?"
x – x – x – x – x
Edward had chosen a beautiful restaurant in Malibu. It wasn't really fancy, though the menu certainly was, and the food was terrific. Edward said he thought she might prefer something with a little more casual feel to it, and he had been right. And it being right on the beach, she happily watched the sun set into the horizon while she ate. She only wished she'd brought her camera, so she could capture the colors of the sky change as the sun fell. By the time the meal was over, Edward was grinning like a kid on Christmas morning.
"You like Duke's?"
"I loved it."
"Feel like wiggling your toes in some sand?"
They drove down PCH to a strip of public beach and parked. Edward held his and Bella's shoes as they strolled down the shore. The sun had fallen but there was still light in the sky, and there were plenty of streetlights coming on. Even still, Bella rolled her palm over her jeans now and then to be sure the small cylindrical can was still in her pocket.
The shameful look on Bella's face in her apartment had haunted Edward all evening. He desperately wanted to inquire what piece of shit guy had taught her that men expect to be repaid in any way for taking a woman out. He suspected it might fill in some of the blanks she had yet to fill in herself – the anxiety, maybe? The pills? The sometimes complete lack of trust in others? He grimaced as he realized, however, that one date, or even one lousy boyfriend, couldn't possibly explain all of those things.
Unless she was abused. He had not considered that possibility before, and it made him angry now to do so. With rapid-fire succession, he mentally tallied a half-dozen violent things he would do to anyone who harmed her.
This was a dangerous train of thought, he realized. And not fair to Bella. This was her night, and he didn't even know if what he thought was true. He needed a distraction, he decided. "Tell me about your family."
Bella glanced at him in surprise. "That was random." Edward shrugged. "Uh, well, it's been just me and Charlie, my dad, since I was four. Jake and his parents were always around on the weekends though, and for holidays. Then Jake's mom died, and it was just us and our two dads."
"That explains the bond you two have."
Bella nodded.
They walked a while in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. Edward chuckled to himself, and Bella looked at him questioningly. "You know, after I met Jake, I expected it to bother me, you guys living together. I mean here's this big muscular guy, walking in to the party, wrapping his arm around you… I prepared myself for the jealousy, but for some reason it never came." He shrugged to himself. "What you guys have is kind of beautiful. It's rare to find a friendship as close, and as well balanced, as yours. I'm honestly glad to know you have somebody like Jake in your corner."
Bella smiled at Edward and took his hand. They walked in silence again. She thought about telling Jake what Edward said, wondering what he would think of it. She wondered what he would have thought if he'd known what James had said about their relationship. Bella stifled a shudder as her imagination painted that battle scene for her.
One Friday afternoon during her senior year, Bella had gone to the Quileute reservation to see Jake after school. It was a warm spring day, and she'd spent most of the afternoon laughing, skipping rocks, and exchanging snarky remarks with Jake and his two best friends down at First Beach. She stayed for dinner with Billy and Jake and got home later than she intended to. She pulled up to her house to find James waiting angrily. Charlie's car was gone; he'd already left for his graveyard shift. "Is that why you keep denying me?" he demanded, following her into her house. "You're down on the rez, fucking the big dumb Indian?"
He grabbed Bella by the arm and dragged her to his car, not even giving her a chance to lock the house behind her. "We're going to be late to this party because you were busy whoring around with the natives. People are expecting me."
Bella cried angrily as he sped down the road. "Why do you say things like that? He's family, James. You know that."
James slammed on the brakes, swerving onto the shoulder of the road. He grabbed her face roughly and she blanched at his menacing glare. "I am warning you, Bella. Do not make a scene or embarrass me at this party. Or so help me God, you will be sorry."
James took little time getting completely wasted at the party. The drunker he got, the more vulgar and obscene his comments got. He would pull her in as if for a kiss and whisper them in her ear, clearly enjoying how uncomfortable it made her. He didn't let her away from his side all evening.
Leaving the party, Bella knew James was too drunk to drive. She quietly asked him to please give her the keys so she could drive. That was the wrong thing to say. Too quickly for her to react, James twisted her wrist until she cried out, and whispered angrily in her ear. "What did I tell you about embarrassing me here? Get in the fucking car right now, and don't speak another word."
Bella kept her eyes closed the whole way home. She figured if he was going to kill them both, she'd rather not see it happen. Thankfully, James eventually pulled his car into the driveway. Bella reached for the door handle, but James grabbed a fistful of her hair and pulled her to him for a kiss. It was a hard kiss – angry and mean. With his other hand, he fondled her breasts roughly. He forced his tongue in her mouth; he tasted like pot and whiskey. "You tell that Indian that you belong to me," he hissed before letting go of her hair.
Bella never told Jake anything about that night, for fear of what he would do. Any time she went to see Jake after that, James would insist she was 'whoring around with the natives', and insist on fooling around. Like he wanted to mark his territory.
Remembering James' words, Bella couldn't help wondering where Edward really stood on the issue. There was no way he was that accepting. "You don't wonder if we're secretly messing around?" Her words didn't come out nearly as playfully as she intended.
Edward stopped walking. Bella stopped too, turning to face him. "Anyone with eyes, ears, and half a brain can see two things: one, you two are extremely close. Two, there is nothing sexual about your relationship."
That was too good of an answer. Bella eyed him dubiously.
"Seriously, I wondered for all of like five minutes, the night I met him. But it's obvious what you two have."
Bella was stunned. How could two men be so completely and utterly different? It was like Edward was the complete opposite of James – his negative image. No, scratch that. James is the negative.
"Tell me what you're thinking," Edward whispered, leaning his forehead against hers, one hand against the small of her back.
Now just a dozen yards from the beach sidewalk and its row of twinkling street lamps, Bella looked up at Edward and got lost in his eyes, which, unfortunately, disabled the filter between her brain and her mouth.
"I was thinking about how different you are from my…ex-boyfriend." Bella flinched at the use of 'boyfriend'. It sickened her to allow him that title now, and she used it twice in the past month. Edward's brows raised in surprise. She chewed her lower lip.
Edward was taken aback. She was comparing him to her ex right now? What the hell? That'll teach you to ask her what she's thinking, idiot.
"Uh, in what way?"
Bella sighed and looked out at the water crashing into the shore. "Pretty much everything you've ever said or done since I met you," she said, more to herself than in response to Edward.
It took a minute for Edward to process her words. Once he did, they about broke his heart. His chest physically ached and he stared, dumbfounded, at her profile in the dim light. Her face was stoic, but the wrinkle in her brow, Edward knew by now, was sadness.
"He was jealous of Jake?" Edward guessed.
"And other things," Bella corrected absently. She realized her slip quickly enough and bit her lip hard. Shut the hell up, Bella.
Edward's thoughts returned to his earlier musing and everything just clicked. He reached for Bella's hand, tugging gently in a silent request for her to look at him again. When she finally did, it was hesitant. But he had to know. "Bella, did he hurt you?"
What, am I wearing a sign? Bella clutched her purse tightly, grateful her antique gold pillbox was contained inside. I need a Xanax, she thought, but argued with herself. No, I can't keep doing that with him. She was sure, however, if she even started down this topic of conversation tonight, she was going to lose her composure. And she couldn't keep doing that with him either! She didn't know what to do.
Edward read the distress in Bella's eyes and pulled her in for a hug. She stiffened for a moment, but Edward felt her relax into his arms, and he sighed. She didn't need to say a word – her expression told him everything he needed to know…for now.
"I want to earn your trust, Bella," he spoke quietly, his face angled toward Bella's ear. "I don't want to ever hurt you. But I need your help, okay? You have to communicate with me. Teach me your boundaries, tell me if I say or do something to make you uncomfortable. Tell me your concerns – or even if you're just having a bad day."
Bella nodded into Edward's chest.
"Promise?" Bella hesitated, but nodded again.
"I'm in no hurry, Bella. I get that you have some stuff to work through. This relationship between you and I, it's in your control. You set the pace."
Bella let go of Edward and looked into his eyes, dubious yet again. What kind of mind fuckery was this? She's in control? She narrowed her eyes, inspecting his face. He looked so sincere. There was no hard edge to his eyes, no sneer. His facial muscles and hands were relaxed. It made no sense.
Edward watched Bella's expression curiously. What did he say to cause such a reaction? You said relationship, he realized. Is that where they were? He supposed after the insane, vengeful thoughts he'd had this evening, 'relationship' was an appropriate term for what he was feeling. But was that where she wanted to be?
He didn't get to find out, not that night. Bella tugged on Edward's hand and they walked down the beach again, hand in hand. All the focus on James had her feeling too jumpy, too anxious. She liked the feeling of Edward beside her, though, and didn't want to miss it by going into a Xanax-induced coma. As quietly as she could, she took the calming breaths she'd learned from the therapist in Forks, enjoying the thunder of the waves and the cool sand under her feet.
x – x – x – x – x
Edward went for a late-night jog after dropping Bella off. He was still angry, thinking about Bella's ex. His imagination was not his friend; he found it altogether too facile to contemplate the details of their relationship. By the end of the run, not only was he no less keyed up, he was pondering ways to find this guy and beat him to a bloody pulp. He showered and went to bed, but he did not sleep.
In the morning, Edward grabbed his red gym bag from the floor of his closet and drove to Pacific Palisades. He made it just in time for the 7am kickboxing class, kicking his shoes off at the dojo entrance and tossing them in a cubby before joining the other men on the mat. He threw himself into the lesson, surprising his sparring partner and sensei. He stayed for the 8am ju-jitsu class, as well.
Dripping with sweat and aching all over, Edward felt marginally better as he gathered his things after class. "I haven't seen you that focused on the mat since you applied for med school last year," came a deep voice behind him. Edward turned to find Sensei Demitrix looking at him with an amused expression. "Everything alright?"
Edward pulled a towel out of the gym bag and wiped the sweat from his face and neck. Just imagining beating my girl's ex to death. "Just working out some aggression."
"Perhaps you should hold on to some of that aggression," the older man said pointedly. "It serves you well."
Edward went home, showered, and tried to study. But he could not sit still, and he kept re-reading the same page, with no idea what it said. With an aggravated sigh, he tossed his books aside and laced up his running shoes. Abandoning his normal route, he headed up Beverly Glen and jogged down Mulholland Drive. It wasn't the smartest choice; the road had too many cars and too little shoulder. But there were no people, no faces. That was all he cared about right now. He found himself again questioning the intense feelings of protectiveness he suddenly felt toward Bella. She was a big girl, he told himself. She could take care of herself. Plus, she practically had a built-in bodyguard living with her.
That rationalization did nothing to squash the rage he felt for the guy who had hurt her.
As he pounded the pavement, he wondered if he was getting ahead of himself. Maybe what he needed to do was pull back a little, put some space between himself and the issue. These feelings were distracting and confusing, to say the least. And what if she wasn't feeling the same? He dismissed that option quickly, however. The thought of seeing Bella any less than he did now was completely unbearable. He would just have to learn to deal with this information appropriately.
And perhaps spend less time jogging, and more time at the dojo.
So, cat's out of the bag now, at least partially. What do we think?