I have to be honest with you guys, I've been working on this chapter for about a week now and it hadn't been happening. Twice I had written the whole chapter out, logged onto this and got ready to upload and update before reading it again and deleting the whole thing. Numerous times I've written paragraphs that my sister had been in love with, but deleted them after reading them two or three times. This chapter has honestly wiped my confidence with writing completely. I know every author has her little ups and downs, her mind blanks and writer's blocks but this seriously made me wonder why I enjoyed it at all. If it weren't for you guys, I'd have thrown in the towel and said goodbye to this story. But I'm carrying on, just so you know. I'd love to hear if all this pain of writing has been worth it so, drop me a review on your way out please. –Alice xo

Jack had taken her down from her hook by the wall and dressed her appropriately again, taking care of her wounds and making her look respectable before sitting her in the chair that was stained with her blood and bound her with rope again. He covered her wrists and ankles with a soft fabric first, to prevent rope burn. Any other day and she'd think that he actually still cared for her.

He had sat opposite her for a while, just staring at her face and smiling. She had been on the brink of passing out many times, her head falling forwards or backwards and always jolting her back awake. At first Jesse had laughed at her, but he was soon sent out of the room to do whatever terrorist activities required him and left her alone with Jack. He stayed there with her for what felt like a couple of hours before walking close to her and kissing her head, murmuring to her that he was going to get them both food and be back in a minute.

And now? Now she could see Deeks.

He was standing right there in the corner of the room. Black cargo trousers and a black t-shirt, covered by his kevlar vest. His gun was dangling by his side in one hand whilst the other was up against his lips, telling her to keep quiet. She nodded in understanding, her head lolling slightly to the side from weakness. He smiled at her, understanding what she was going through. "Give us a minute. Just hang on." She frowned, hey eyes narrowing dangerously close to putting her on the brink of unconsciousness, but she hung on. She swore she would see them die. He quickly rushed over to her and looked over her body, grimacing at what she saw. "You're going to have to stay here for a little longer, okay?"

Her eyes widened and she wriggled in the chair, panicking. "You got to get me out of here." She whispered and he shook his head, smiling grimly. "Kens, you have to stay for just a little bit more, okay? Then I'll be back and take you away, okay?" She shook her head, protesting. She didn't want to stay here any longer than required. His hand rested against her cheek, so light that she didn't feel it, and he stared into her eyes, begging her to stay for him. She slowly calmed down, the panic still in her eyes but she tried to get him to see the acceptance that was in there as well.

She would do anything for him, and if staying in this hell hole was what he wanted, then that was what she'd do.

Granger appeared over Deeks' shoulder and looked at Kensi with disgust on his face. Not at her, she hoped, but at the damage that had been inflicted on her body. But probably how dirty she looked and felt was a factor as well. He patted Deeks shoulder and motioned his head to go back. Deeks shook his head, reluctance dripping from his every pore. "Agent Deeks, we need to go." Kensi's panic flared up immediately and she pulled on her restraints. "Deeks, we have to leave. Come on Agent Deeks." Deeks stood up, running a hand through his scruffy hair and looking at her with regret before walking slowly backwards. She pulled on her restraints, begging him with her eyes and she watched as his filled with tears.

"I'm sorry." He whispered to her, his voice floating through her ears and calming her down slightly. She nodded to let him know that she got the message but she never removed her eyes from his own sparkling blue ones. He walked back into the corner where he started and just stood there, standing, watching, staring. She didn't know how long they stared at each other before Jack walked in and she panicked, knowing that if he saw Deeks then he'd be killed. She stayed staring at him, her eyes begging him to go but he wouldn't. Jack was now sitting back in his chair, facing her and away from Deeks.

"Go." She mouthed to him but he shook his head, a small smile on his face. "Please." He shook his head and raised the gun, aiming at her not Jack.

"Kensi?" Jack tapped her hand, causing her to flinch and cry out in pain. "Sorry darling. You were staring off into the distance." She nodded, sniffling slightly and trying to stop the tears that were going to flow down her cheeks. "What were you looking at?" She looked back into the corner, praying that the gun was away from her and on Jack now and was shocked. Her jaw dropped, her eyes widened and she was pretty sure she gasped as well.

He was gone.

He wasn't there. It was as if he had never been there at all. There was no way that he could have made it out of the room without being noticed by anyone, and he had been standing right there. But he hadn't. It was making sense to her now, as she stared at the empty corner.

She had been hallucinating. And it had felt so real.

She looked back to Jack, noticing the confusion on his face. "Nothing." She whispered, still unsure of how to react with him. Happiness and trust could result in him taking advantage of her and yet anger and hatred could easily spark violence. She'd had enough violence. So acting aloof was her best bet. Hoping that she wouldn't be required to do anything else than sit there with him and just be. He nodded, accepting her answer before grinning and holding a plate of food.

"I've got crackers, cheese, meats, pizza and a few chocolate bars." He motioned to the other plate that was resting on his lap when he saw the recognition of food on her face. "I was thinking that you'd be hungry." She shrugged, sticking to being aloof. "Come on Kens, the girl I know never turned down the chance to eat."

"The girl you know died years ago on Christmas day." She murmured, causing him to lean forward and try to hear her better. "You left me Jack, you broke me and then you kidnap me and hurt me. You let your 'friends' torture and rape me and now you want to act like nothing ever happened? Like you didn't disappear years ago and never talk to me again. Like you didn't become a terrorist." So much for being aloof. The dam had been broken and the emotions that she had been trying to keep in check were released, flowing from within her walls and filling the air around them until it was thick from all the anger and hurt that had been inside her. She was drooped in the chair, the mini rant taking all her strength and leaving her weak for him.

He laughed.

And then he backhanded her. The back of his hand connected with her cheek so fast that she didn't even see it come for her, and she didn't expect the amount of force from it to make her head whip to the side so fast that her neck clicked and cause a cheek bone to fracture. She cried out in pain, the sound becoming oddly familiar with her now. Each different cry had a different tone to it, depending on the pain she experiencing, and sometimes when the pain got too much that she became numb, she would listen to her cries and determine how serious the injuries were. Horrible, she knows.

He gripped her hair within his fist and pulled it backwards, arching her neck so she was looking up at him. Her mind momentarily flashed back to when she was with Johnny and she shivered with fear. She was brought back to reality with a few slaps to her face. "You will remember bitch, that I am and always will be your better half." She attempted to shook her head in protest but the grip was too strong and only caused her more pain. "You will learn to understand that I own you, and even if I die in this godforsaken place and I don't take you with me, then I will still own you. I have made my men break you. You're just a shell of the Kensi Blye that people know back home and the physical and mental trauma you have experienced is just too much for someone to recover from." He kissed her lips lightly. "You are mine."

He released his grip on her hair and her head flopped forward, her body lacking both the strength and energy to keep it up. She watched his legs move around their chairs before he laughed quietly and left the room. She stayed as she was for a few minutes, trying to control her breathing from the surge of fear that had just been instilled into her before she raised her head again and realised why he had been laughing. He had left the food on the chair in front of her, and out of her reach.

Nobody had checked in on her since Jack left, and both the smell and sight of the food had caused her stomach to rumble loudly, echoing in the room; it also convulsed like there was no tomorrow, making her bring up the emptiness that was in her stomach and burning her throat. After a while, she became used to that and the smell got covered by all the others in the room, the burnt flesh, blood and urine as examples. She couldn't even smell them now.

It felt like hours when she next saw Deeks, but in reality it had been only been half an hour. Deeks was in a chair opposite her, his feet and wrists bound to the arms and legs of the chair with rope. His face and top was covered in blood and he was staring at her, a funny look on his face. "You look hurt." She knew he was a hallucination the moment he appeared this time and she chose to ignore it, not giving in to the mental breakdown that was occurring due to her lack of sleep and dehydration. She heard his sad laugh and looked at him from beneath her eyelashes. "You can't ignore me Kens, I'm me. I'm just going to keep on talking and talking and eventually you'll sigh with exasperation and demand me to stop before getting locked in a battle of wits and sarcastic comments which neither of us will win because we will say something that will highlight the undercurrent of sexual tension between the two of us which has only been heightened since our night together before you came here." She knew he could talk a lot but that was seriously pushing it. "Tell me what's going on in that mind of yours." He said, leaning forward and smiling at her, oblivious to the blood dripping from his mouth onto his trousers. "Just to pass the time, ya'know?"

She sighed. "I'm sorry." He frowned and opened his mouth and she just knew that he was going to protest about her apologising, claiming that there was nothing for her to be sorry about. Despite the fact that there was everything. "No, listen." He nodded, shutting his mouth and looking at her with a serious look that would have made her shiver, had she had the energy.

"I need to apologise for a lot of things Deeks. I need to tell you how sorry I am that I left you in that room with Sidirov and Sam. I had a chance to get you out and protect you, but what did I do? I followed orders." She scrunched her face in disgust with herself. "My last hallucination was you and Granger. I was tied to the chair, like I am now and you walked in with your gun raised and I felt happiness for the first time in who knows how long. You told me to stay. That hurt and it was only then that I realised just how you felt. You came over to me but you didn't cut me loose. If the roles had been reversed then you would have thrown the rule book away and cut me free, you would have carried me away from all the pain and sheltered me. I should have done the same, excluding the carrying because I honestly don't know if I can handle your weight.." He laughed slightly and she smiled, figuring that she was doing something right, even if it was with a hallucination.

"I shouldn't have punched you on our last day together. I should have just held you close and whispered my anger at you or maybe sent it to you via text but I should never have raised my hands to you in anger. You always worried about becoming your dad and that day, I was pretty sure that I became him. A monster. A monster who punched a wonderful person in the face because of their own stupidity and anger issues." He had stopped showing any emotion now, looking at her with an indescribable look.

"I'm sorry for giving up." She sobbed now, her heart breaking. "I'm sorry that I can't tell you this in person and instead I'm telling this to you, a figment of my imagination as I slowly lose my sanity. I can't take it anymore. All of this is too much. The pain from my injuries, the pain from always wondering what had happened to Jack, just to find out he's a terrorist; the pain from never seeing you again and never hearing your voice, never being able to tease you about your hair which I adore, and never being able to look into your blue eyes that remind me of the thing I love the most. You. I want to die Deeks. I have begged for death so much, and they keep on hurting me. I can't do this anymore." Her sobs had carried on throughout her whole confession, tears streaking down her face and making some words hard to understand. The message had gotten across though, when she saw him crying.

"I can't do this anymore, and I wish there was some way I could let the real you know, not hallucination you know because then I can at least die with some peace." The ropes that had kept Deeks to the chair, disappeared and he knelt before her. She stared into his eyes and he attempted to wipe the tears from her face. She couldn't feel it but she sensed it and so she closed her eyes to savour the touch.

"You have to stay strong Kensi. I'm coming for you. I'll be here soon and then you can tell me all this then." She opened her eyes to look at him, their faces so close. "Just. Don't. Give. Up."

And then he was gone. And so was her link to consciousness.

Ops, and the trailer in which Deeks and the surveillance team were situated, were all a flurry of activity. Eric and Nell had begrudgingly passed over the duty of getting the information on the missing link, whilst they sped up the process of pinpointing Kensi's whereabouts. They had narrowed it down to part of the desert which housed a few shacks and caves. They couldn't burst through them all in case they were tipped off and killed Kensi. No, they had to take it slow.

Deeks was currently sitting in a small meeting room, being updated by nearly every techie in the trailer who was working this case. Callen and Sam had requested the video call be kept up so they could keep updated on things, although their unofficial reason was to check on Deeks.

He knew that they were all worried about him and he knew that even Granger had been exchanging words with them, telling them about how mentally stable he was and how many unnecessary anger outbursts he had had in the past hour. He pretended to be oblivious. He had larger problems on his hands.

"Jack, her ex-fiancée, after going missing on Christmas Eve, Christmas morning, went to his family for a day where he collected a money stash that they were unaware of before he left the country to go to Mexico. We lose him for a couple of years, presumably he's getting his game plan together and starting to make contacts and a name for himself. We hear from him once at the end of this gap, where he contacts Nicholas White, which is presumably where the start of his fascination with Kensi began. We don't hear from Jack anymore, only hearing from White Ghost who carries on the next day as if he died over night. Everything else is already in the file for the White Ghost case." A young techie said, her eyes dull from lack of sleep as she too was pushing herself to her limits. "Scans that go back months show Jack's face-" She's cut off as she yawns, before blushing and apologising profusely. "At the local airport with Nicholas White in tow. This is two days after the last picture of Kensi was dated." Deeks and Granger nodded, and he heard the Assistant Director dismiss her, telling her to catch a few hours. She wasted no time in scurrying to her bed.

Deeks felt the eyes of everyone on him and looked up, a glare on his face. Granger, Callen and Sam didn't back down with their stares, which was impressive since two of them were in another country. "When was the last time you slept?" Callen asked, breaking the silence, the glare disappearing a facial expression which could only be described as sympathy.

"On the plane."

"Deeks, you got off the plane yesterday, and even then the flight was over half a day long." Deeks nodded, not seeing where he was going with it. "Once you found out she was being tortured, did you sleep?"

"Nope." Deeks said, his voice small. Callen nodded, as if confirming his thoughts, which he probably was.

"You need to rest and keep your energy and strengths up. What good are you to her if you pass out before getting there?"

Deeks saw red. "What good am i to her if i pass out? What good am i to her now? What good was i when she was first kidnapped and first experienced the torture? What good was i to her when i was sitting in the bullpen all happy with you guys whilst she was over here, alone, and unable to trust anyone? What good was i to her when she got reassigned all because i couldn't keep my emotions in check? I'm her partner Callen and she's in this mess because of me. So you can say i'm no good to her passing out but i can assure you that i am staying awake until she is safe, and then some because i need to pay her back." Deeks exploded, gasping for breath when he finished. His rant was about to start again when a hand placed on his arm made him falter. He looked into Granger's eyes and drooped.

"You aren't alone in this. We all care for her as much as you do." Granger took a moment before smiling. "Well, maybe not as much as you because that would be weird. Me being friends with her dad and all, Sam with a wife and Callen being Callen." Deeks laughed and was shocked to truly believe that it was Granger who had managed to do it. Granger had made a successful funny one, even under the circumstances.

"I'm still not sleeping." Deeks warned them all, and looked them all in the eyes as they nodded with defeat. Sometimes he was just as stubborn as Kensi.

"Just eat and drink then." Deeks nodded, holding up a water bottle and an apple. "Good."

The door quickly burst open, revealing a tall man who was on guard of the trailer, making sure that nobody who was unauthorised went in or out. Granger quickly stood up, panic on his face before quickly being reassured by the young marine. "Sir, Agents, we have a situation." He said causing Deeks to stand slowly from his chair, getting ready to face the worst news of his life. "We've had another video." Deeks plopped down back into his chair, sighing slightly with relief before frowning when the marine winced. "I wouldn't sigh with relief just yet sir." He stepped into the room and motioned for a techie to come in. He placed a laptop in front of him and smiled with sympathy.

"Just press play. I've got headphones for you, I think it would be best if you heard it alone. I've also sent you a copy Agent Callen." Deeks ignored the looks that he was getting from everyone and put the headphones on, listening and watching the video that had gotten everybody so worked up.

Minutes in and he understood why.

I know that i upset someone with the miniscule rape scene last chapter so here is my apology. I mean, i should have known that someone would get upset and therefore given warning but i was so excited about getting past my writer's block (i know, pathetic excuse) that i just kinda forgot. So apologies again to those who told me, or those who cursed my name but kept quiet about it. Sorry to you all. Now, just want to say congratulations to all those people who are still reading. OOOH WE'RE HALFWAY THERE! OOOOH, well give or take a few chapters but the point still remains, so give yourself a pat on the back and a round of applause. I love you all - Alice xo