I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter. Sorry for the delay in posting this one.
Disclaimer: I still own nothing, except my dvd's and now I own season 6 so I am very happy :D
Lindsay loved the freedom of riding. She loved to feel the elements on her skin, wind, rain, sun, even snow. She found it calming, riding through the Montanan landscape. As she rode after leaving the cemetery she could feel the stress leaving her body. The truth was she wasn't angry at what Barbara had said. Little did her family know that she had thought those things over and over again ever since that day in the diner. Just after the shooting she would ask God for one thing, and that was for him to take her. She said she found it too hard to live and she was alone. Lindsay knew it was still hard to live some days and suicide seemed like a viable option. But then she would think of her family, her mum, her dad, even her brothers and she knew that if she died they might never recover. She didn't have a plan on where she was going to, but Aragon seemed to know, heading towards the woods at the northern end of the Monroe land. There was a creek where Aragon could drink from and Lindsay could sit on the rock with her feet in the water. It was a great place to sit and think and she was grateful for the stubbornness of her horse not wanting to go elsewhere. She slipped of her horse, removed her socks and shoes and found her usual seat. Aragon took a drink of water, before wandering around until he found a shaded area. Then he stood waiting patiently for his owner to be ready to return back home. Normally she would have been surrounded by her friends, but although they weren't with her physically, for the first time since the shooting she felt as though they were with her. It felt good and peace spread into her heart.
The quiet of the creek was filled with the sounds of nature. Lindsay lay back on the rock and listened to the water trickling over the rocks and felt it on her feet, cool and refreshing. She listened to the birds and insects busily going round their daily routine and for the first time in a very long time Lindsay felt happy. She knew it would be fleeting and that the anger and darkness would be back all too soon, but right at that moment it felt good and she was able to close her eyes and let the good memories of times spent with her friends wash over her, as the water washed over her feet. Lindsay allowed herself to remember birthdays past, smiling and laughing at the memories. Tears fell from her eyes, but they were tears of joy combined with only a few tears of sadness. She didn't know how long she lay there before she finally allowed the day's activities go through her mind. So far she had managed to keep them at bay but as the replay of her final birthday spent with her friends finished, she couldn't help but think about this birthday. It was so different from all those that had gone before and would be different from those ahead of her. One of the hardest parts was knowing that no one would know what it was like to go through, unless they had gone through it themselves, which is why she was relishing her time alone. Time needed to put it all into perspective. Or at least attempt to put it into perspective. If she ever would be able to.
Today at the cemetery she saw that Barbara was barely holding on. Lindsay couldn't understand how Barbara thought she was coping. Didn't she know that Lindsay had been a virtual recluse in her own home for most of the last nine months? Didn't it occur to her that Lindsay was the one who was there as it happened? Lindsay was the one who watched the life blood run out of her friend's lifeless bodies. Lindsay was the one who heard the shots fired over and over and over and over again. She couldn't escape what had happened. Ever. And she could feel that it had changed her so deep inside. She knew that she wasn't the same carefree person she once was. Nor would she ever be again. She was a different Lindsay to the one she was born and she hated that life had scarred her so badly. And so young.
And she was lonely.
So, so lonely.
Lindsay knew her parents and brothers had given up much of their own lives to try and help her. Especially her mum. She had heard her mum talking to her dad a few days previous and cried as her mum said that looking after her was like looking after a newborn baby again, especially with the constant night disturbances. Lindsay knew her mum was tired. She could see it in her face. But she couldn't help the nightmares. Could she? No, Dr Walker had told her they could happen until she had come to terms with this more but how could she help her mum? Lindsay couldn't think about what to do because the only thing she was sure of was that she needed her mum when she woke. Maybe she could try and not shout out or call her mum? Could she do it on her own? Maybe that would make her a better and stronger person? Lindsay found herself trying to rationalise all the thoughts and ideas she was coming up with, no matter how illogical they actually were.
She talked to her parents and her brothers but it wasn't the same as talking to her friends. She couldn't be that silly fourteen, well now fifteen year old girl. She had grown up in a way that was beyond belief. Her childhood had ended the moment she heard that first shot. She wanted her friends with her. She wanted to be able to go to school again, talk about boys, make up and clothes, even though she wasn't really interested in them. But Kelly and Rose were. They kept up to date with trends and were the 'hip' ones of their group. Lindsay and Amanda were the good studious types who in return for style and dating tips helped their friends with their homework and tests. In some ways Kelly and Rose were polar opposites to Lindsay and Amanda and they shouldn't have worked as friends. Yet they had stayed together for years, other friends being allowed in and out as the four girls allowed them to be let in, but the core group of friends was always solid. Now Lindsay felt empty and couldn't help but wonder if she would always be lonely. If she would ever have friends again? She wasn't stupid and had heard her brothers talking about school. She knew rumours were going round about her and that people wondered if she was the one who had pulled the trigger. It was one of the reasons why she hadn't asked about going back to school and she also wondered if that was why her parents hadn't pushed her into going back to school, although up until this point in time it had been difficult enough to attend her therapy sessions let alone be alone in a school of hundreds.
As she sat thinking about school it occurred to her that Jake only had a few more weeks of school, before he left for college. Tony was great and she loved spending time with him, but he wouldn't be there for her in the same way as Jake. Maybe, just maybe she should go back to school whilst he was still there? On top of that if she wasn't careful no amount of summer school would help her catch up and she would be stranded in the same grade for another year. She laughed as she realised that could be worse than living with the rumours. Well, she hoped it would. Maybe she needed to talk to Dr Walker about this before talking to her parents? She let out a loud "aagh!" as she tried to clear her head of the myriad of thoughts and questions going round and round in her head.
As she lay on the rocks she stretched her arms and laid them back on the rock above her head. She felt pain or more like an ache in her upper arms and couldn't work out what had caused the pain. Sitting up she lifted up one of the sleeves of her jumper.
"Oh great. Bruises. What in the world did I walk into this time?" she muttered to herself. Then she looked closer and took in the shape of the bruises she realised they were fingerprints from where Kelly's mum had held her arms as she screamed at her. Suddenly the emotions and anger she had been holding in since she left the cemetery came out. She stood up and walked round the creek screaming and shouting, trying to purge herself of the rage that had been threatening to take her over again and destabilise her for the last few days. She walked kicking rocks, not noticing that she didn't have her socks or shoes on still. It wasn't until she kicked a particularly large stone that she felt the pain radiating from her toes up towards her ankle.
"Oh fucking hell! Why can't I have a good day? Just one good day? What did I do wrong? Why am I being punished?" she screamed, and at that moment the heavens opened, the rain pouring down on her as she looked skywards. And Lindsay just stood and cried, hoping the rain would wash away her pain.
One heavy down pour later Lindsay was still stood staring heavenwards. She wondered if it was her friends sending her a sign to stop wallowing, just for today and get her butt home to celebrate what was left of her birthday, which she figured wasn't much, although she had no idea what the time was or how long she had been at the creek. She remembered the time she told them that she liked the rain. There was a heavy downpour outside and she stopped doing her homework to watch the rain come down outside the window. Kelly and Rose looked at her as though she had gone nuts. Amanda had carried on with her maths homework seemingly oblivious to what was going on around her. She didn't care though; they accepted her for who she was including her little quirks. Kelly and Rose were moaning about the damage to their outfits, makeup and hair that the rain did. Lindsay just tutted and said she was off outside. Lindsay stood in her front yard enjoying the coolness of the rain and letting the frustration of her homework which was not going to be getting completed anytime soon, wash away. Fifteen minutes later she returned into the house, her mum handing her a towel as she walked through the kitchen door. Eve had accepted long ago that Lindsay liked the rain and had made sure that when she saw her daughter heading outside into the rain, there was a towel and spare set of clothes waiting for her waiting for her on the way back in. Lindsay ducked into the laundry room and got dried and changed. As she walked through the kitchen Eve said she was getting food ready for the girls and they had five, and only five, minutes until it would be ready. She made her way to her bedroom. Laughter was coming from the room and she could hear Amanda being picked on and encouraged to do anything but her homework. It was as it should be. She opened the door and for the first time that day Amanda lifted her nose out of the maths textbook and took in the change in her friend's appearance with a look of confusion evident on her face, "I went out in the rain." Amanda shrugged and went back to the books not questioning her friend's behaviour. Kelly and Rose gave her that look of 'you've got to be kidding me' when they saw what she was wearing. Apparently old, ripped jeans and a stained t-shirt weren't trendy at all. Lindsay didn't care.
Lindsay suddenly found herself coming back to reality wishing they would be back at the house when she got there, shouting "surprise" and giving her questioning looks and sighs. But she knew they wouldn't be there and her heart ached for them. Her family would be at home though and she knew they really wanted to celebrate her birthday. So she climbed up on Aragon and they made their way slowly back to the ranch house. The rain still continued, albeit much lighter than before and with each step that Aragon took she enjoyed the feeling of the rain on her skin and her links with the past that it gave her.
"Where is she? Look at the rain! She's going to catch a cold!"
"Mum, what's the panic for? Lindsay loves the rain. Always has done, always will do. And I'm still sticking to my theory she came out in wellington boots, ready for the rain to fall," said Jake with a grin on his face. Deciding he was enjoying watching his mother squirm too much to ignore, he decided to continue. "Why is my sister so strange mum?"
"I'm not worried about her being in the rain." Answered Eve, ignoring her son's stupid, yet oddly amusing questions, although it would be a cold day in hell before he found that out.
"Excuse me, you just said she'll catch a cold" added Tony, thankful for a spot to enter this conversation.
"Oh shut up! And stop picking on me, I'm your mum! Have some respect."
"We do. Anyway picking on your parents and watching them try to worm their way out of tight spots is in the job description of being a child,"said Jake feeling particularly smug at his success of taking his mum's mind off where Lindsay was with annoying her. It was a two-for-one deal and who was he to refuse it?
"Yeah, Grandpa Monroe had stories upon stories of dad doing the same to him. And don't get me started on Granny Barker. Apparently you were the worst of the five kids mum,"said Peter from the doorway.
"That just means they're supposed to get their own back on me, not you guys."
"Keeping living in cloud cuckoo land mum. I'm guessing the weather is always sunny there are we are well behaved and silent?" added Jake, the grin on his face evident and wider than before, even though Eve wasn't facing her son she knew exactly how smug he was looking.
Jake was surprised though when his mum spun round and lightly smacked her son around the head. "And that is one of the perks of being a parent!" said Eve, before giving up on window duty and sitting back down at the table.
"I didn't think it was legal to smack your kids?" said Jake, still intent on keeping his mum preoccupied and enjoying this more and more as the minutes passed.
"Nor is murder but I'm fairly certain James would help me out if you keep on annoying me!" retorted Eve, before she caught what she had actually said. "Oh, Jake, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. Thank goodness Lindsay wasn't here."
"Why are you thankful I wasn't here? What did you say or do?" asked a very wet Lindsay, her appearance depicting a drowned rat almost perfectly.
Oh, um nothing sis. We were being silly,"chirped Jake trying to save his mum at the last minute.
"That's OK. I thought for a minute you were referring to having James help kill and dispose of Jake's body. If the need ever arises, I'm in!" and Lindsay made her way through the kitchen her socks squelching on the floor with every step. Five sets of eyes focused on her, five mouths hanging open and wondering just what had happened, as well as wondering why and how she had just gotten away with walking on the hardwood floor with a pair of very wet socks, never mind the river that was forming behind her as the water dripped or rather ran off her clothes.
By the time Lindsay had returned downstairs after having a shower and changing her clothes, the rest of her family had just about come round.
"Lindsay Monroe, as much as I'm glad you're home safe and sound, the next time you leave wet footprints through my house and especially on my kitchen floor there will be hell to pay. OK?"
"Sorry mum. I just didn't see the point of changing them when I was having a shower."
"Why couldn't you take your socks off?" asked Dave. He had been at the wrath of Eve on more than one occasion for not having the appropriate footwear in the house. So it seemed right to give his baby girl advice to avoid a situation like this happening again.
Lindsay sat down after putting her wet clothes in the laundry room. "I didn't think about taking off my socks. Maybe I'll remember next time."
Eve raised her eyebrows at her daughter.
"What? I'm a teenager. You know what it's like, not enough room in your head for the important stuff so that's why it's not a guarantee I'll remember. Plus if I forget then you're guaranteed to have something to yell at me about in the future. I know you wouldn't want to miss that opportunity, would you?"
"You and Jake need to stop spending so much time together," said Dave.
"You've been saying that years dad. Let it go. She loves me too much and I have to pass my gifts onto my sister, seeing as my brothers were too idiotic for all my wisdom," answered Jake.
Dave smirked, ready to pick on his middle son. "Yeah, I know she's been hanging out with you, that's why she's been trouble for most of her life!"
"Hey! Don't blame me. What about Peter and Tony? What about the fact that she is a stubborn pain in the butt who can get herself in trouble without my input? It's only about 10% my fault."
"You keep telling yourself that son. Whatever helps you sleep at night."
"Anyway, I was the one who told you what she would do today and when she would get home. Five to four she arrived in this house. And when did I say she would be back?"
"No one likes a smart ass Jake," said Peter, "trust me, I know!"
The whole family erupted in laughter and Lindsay stopped herself to look round the table. She spent a few seconds looking at each of the members of her family in turn just to make sure she would remember this moment now and forever. Her birthday was nothing like she would have planned herself,but it was ending well. She had managed to get out some of her anger and frustration and even her 'disagreement' with Barbara, or rather Barbara's rant, hadn't totally ruined the day. She had managed to spend a little time with her friends, even though they weren't physically with her and now she was sat back at home in a room full of love and laughter. As she sat contemplating the past, present and her future, she began to feel that the darkness which had surrounded her for so long was starting to dissipate. Lindsay didn't know where her future was heading towards but she did see a future at last. What more could she ask for? Well, she'd love her friends to be there but as that wasn't possible she would just have to hold them close to her heart. She was pulled from her thoughts by her mother's voice calling her.
"Are you OK baby?"
"Oh I'm really good mummy. I'm sorry for going off earlier, I just needed some time alone, not that I'm ungrateful for everything you've done for me, but it was so good to think and be free even just for a while. I'm sure it was the girls who even sent me the rain, telling me it was time to come home."
"You know something sis, I think you were nearly right. Amanda would have sent the rain. Kelly and Rose would be worrying just in case their wings and halos got wet!" said Jake, hugging Lindsay tight.
"Are you sure Amanda would have noticed the change in weather?" asked Peter.
"Kelly would have instigated it. But you're right. It would have been from a distance, just in case she ended up with frizz or smudged make up!" said Lindsay smiling at the thought of a gesture of love and eternal friendship from her friends.
Dave reached over and squeezed Lindsay's hand."You know pumpkin, we are so proud of you. We know it hasn't been easy for you and we know it will be tough for a while longer, but you... you..." Dave's voice started to crack and he tried desperately to hold onto his tears. "You are a survivor. In so many ways and you have so much to give to others. We were so proud of you up at the cemetery. How you didn't retaliate when Barbara attacked, I don't know, but I'm glad you didn't. You are so much stronger than you think you actually are and you willgo far in your life. Just remember that and, if the going ever gets tough, you know where we will all be. Even when you guys move out, you remember that each and every one of us is there for you. You need silence and to be alone, just ask for peace."
By now Eve, Dave and Lindsay had tears flowing freely down their faces. Peter, Tony and Jake were all trying to be manly and do the subtle wiping of the eyes trick. To no avail of course, but they tried. It was one of those rare moments in time when their manly tears were acceptable and this occasion wouldn't be brought out in the game of humiliating each other in public with tales of embarrassing situations and behaviours. This was a family moment. A family memory. And not for anyone else.
Lindsay finally managed to control her tears long enough to start speaking. Her dad had said what he wanted and needed to say. Now it was Lindsay's turn.
"I just want to say thank you to you all. I really realised today and occasionally throughout the last week just how hard it has been for you all." She out her hand up to stop anyone else speaking. Lindsay knew that what she had to say she had to do now, whilst she still had the courage and before the anger kicked in again. "I'm sorry for everything I've put you through." Lindsay paused finding the next bit harder so when she started speaking the words came tumbling out almost tripping over each other. "I'm going to try and be better and mummy, I'm sorry for waking you up in the night. I'll try to be quieter, so you can sleep, and..."
Lindsay found herself being silenced by her mum as she gently placed a hand over Lindsay's mouth. "Before we get our little celebration done, and before James and Sarah arrive, I am going to tell you something and I will have no problems repeating this hourly until you accept it, OK?" Lindsay nodded, recognising the tone in her mother's voice - 'don't even bother arguing with me because I will win'. "There is not, has never been and will never be any issue with you seeking help from me, your dad or your brothers. It's what we do. We support each other, unconditionally. Plain and simple. You need us, just ask. And don't you ever think you have to do this alone. You are not alone. I know we're not the same as having your friends, like the girls, but it doesn't mean we will desert you. That won't happen. And as for my sleep, where did you get the idea I minded being woken when you need me?"
Lindsay's voice dropped to a whisper. Eve barely heard her daughter's words, but when she did both Eve and Dave felt a chill in their hearts, along with a heavy dose of guilt "I heard you and daddy talking. You said it was like having a newborn baby in the house, because I keep waking and crying in the night. And you are tired. I see you yawning all the time and you do look tired mummy."
Eve and Dave both mentally cursed themselves for not thinking that Lindsay may overhear their conversation.
"Linds, I'm sorry you heard that, but let me tell you this. Yes it's hard being woken in the night, because I don't always get enough sleep. But not coming to see you would be worse. Finding out you had woken up and had spent the night terrified and alone would be so much worse. I love you, totally, unconditionally and if you need me, you just shout. Any time of day or night. And as for the tiredness I shall just try to have more naps in the day to help me catch up. There are ways and means around this and they are not your concern. Your concern is your recovery. Your future. No arguments ok?"
"Ok." Lindsay paused trying to gather the nerves to ask the next question. "Mum, can I nap with you? I mean together on the sofa or in your bed with you?"
A smile broke out on Eve's face. "You can always nap with me baby" and she gently stroked her daughter's cheeks wondering how the tiny baby she held in her arm all those years ago had grown into this beautiful, amazing, sensitive young woman. She couldn't have been more proud than she was at that moment, not knowing that there would be more and more moments in the future where Eve would think they were the proudest moments.
"Is that the end of the lovey dovey stuff yet? I can hear James and Sarah coming and there's a large cake with a heavy layer of buttercream calling me and Linds. The rest of you will have to make do with the biscuits. Sorry,"said Jake cheekily and with a wicked glint in his eye, and no real sense of apologies in his tone whatsoever.
"Cake sounds good!" said Lindsay who suddenly remembered she hadn't eaten since very early that morning.
"You're right trouble. Cake does sound good" said James announcing his presence in the house. The Monroe's had an open door policy with their friends and so James and Sarah walked right into the kitchen.
"Happy Birthday Linds." Said Sarah and James at the same time.
"Ok let's find the cake and get this party started!" shouted Jake, already running to the pantry for the cake which had been calling him all day. And just like that Lindsay was able to enjoy the last few hours of the day that celebrated her arrival into the Monroe family. She allowed herself to forget for a few hours and revel in the love of her family.
Lindsay let the memories fade and looked at her watch. She had been sitting in the truck for the past thirty minutes as she let the memory play out from start to finish. She had shed tears as she remembered Mrs Parker's reaction to her. Even now Lindsay could still understand the grief. The difference was she had kept hers in. Mrs Parker had let it out. But when it came down to it both were grieving and angry and hurt at losing a loved friend and daughter. Even now Lindsay could justify her reaction and she still couldn't find it in her to be angry at her. She was hurt. Yes. She had been lonely. Yes. She had been an outcast. Lindsay and Kelly had spent so much time at each other's houses they always joked that they had two mothers. Then in an instant she lost her three best friends and a second mother. And before she could leave the truck to go see her friends, she finally let go of the hurt she had held onto for all the years since the shooting. And she sat and sobbed and sobbed and asked repeatedly, "Why me? What did I do wrong?"
Finally the tears had subsided and Lindsay managed to regain her composure and she finally left the truck. She was lucky because there was an access road relatively close to the girls' graves. It was nearing 6am and the light was finally starting to win over the night. Lindsay went to the back of the truck and gathered the flowers and took them to a patch of grass in front of the graves. She returned back to the truck to get her food, drink and a couple of blankets she always kept there. She walked back to the graves, laid one blanket on the ground and the other on top of it. She sat down and looked at the graves before her, tears filling her eyes again. Lindsay didn't go to the cemetery often. She found the turmoil of emotion that it created within her was far too hard, but there were times when she had to go. They were her birthday, the girls' individual birthdays and the anniversary of the shooting. The only time she normally spent an extended amount of time at their graves was the anniversary. She laughed when she thought of it as an anniversary. Anniversaries were supposed to be happy, a celebration filled with love and joy. Remembering the loss of your three best friends was not happy. Remembering the day your life was destroyed wasn't happy. So why was it called an anniversary? Why couldn't it have a different name? Lindsay was lost in her thoughts about the absurdity of what was an anniversary that she didn't hear the footsteps of someone else approaching.
"Lindsay? Lindsay? Can you hear me?" came a sweet, soft voice.
Lindsay eventually heard the voice calling her, not knowing how many times her name had been spoken. She turned round to see who was there. As she took in the sight of the person in front of her, she stood and felt her heartbeat speed up and harden, as if preparing and protecting itself from an onslaught of hatred and anger. Her face didn't betray what she was feeling inside, but she couldn't manage to speak. It was always the same reaction when the two people came face to face. Instead Lindsay started to move as if to pack up, trying to hold onto her dignity and not panic. The woman in front spoke again.
"Lindsay, please don't go? Please? I need to talk to you."
Lindsay stood frozen as she listened to the words. She stood again taking in the appearance of the woman in front of her. She looked better than when they had last met. Their paths hadn't crossed for several years now. Partially because Lindsay avoided the areas where she frequented and partially because she had worked a lot. Even when Lindsay went to the cemetery she went very early or very late in the day, so to avoid Mrs Parker. Yet today of all days, when Lindsay just wanted to say goodbye to her friends, Barbara Parker, Kelly's mum, apparently chose that day to find her.
And as always, a huge thank you to Brina for reading, rereading and nagging me to post this chapter for the past 10 days. See, I do listen to you. Eventually ;) *Big hugs* girly