I rolled over and looked at the clock two a.m. and I was still awake, I was feeling horrible and not in a fever, flu kind of way but in an I can't believe I said the things I said way. Releasing a sigh I rolled back onto my back and looked at the ceiling, we had had dinner Rachel and I . Everything was going great then somewhere along the way I snapped, not like that final night where I yelled at Jane but like the 'cat fight' we had a long time ago.
Rachel was calm and collected the whole time, and in honesty it pissed me off. I don't know why but I wanted her to yell at me, I wanted her to lose her control. Releasing another sigh I wanted to argue like Jane and I would, she wouldn't hold back she would go in guns blazing. Her fire take no prisons attitude would come out, she would be collected but she would go for it. Rubbing my eyes I knew I was tired but I couldn't sleep, why was I doing this. Maybe I needed help too, Jane was going to therapy maybe I should go.
Scoffing I sat up and switched on my bedside lamp, insomnia was going to kill me long before old age. Glancing down at my cellphone I knew I should call Rachel and apologize, I didn't even know why I got so angry I don't know what the argument was even about. If I didn't know the one who started it I doubt she knew, grabbing my cellphone I looked her up in the contacts and was about to call but stopped myself. Setting the phone back down I opened up the bedside drawer and removed the box, the box that had memories of Jane before everything happened.
Tears begun to spring up in my eyes, why couldn't I just tell Jane? Why was I doing this to Rachel? Mentally hitting myself and hating myself and setting the box to the opposite side of the bed…Jane's side and sighed again. Getting out of bed I reached into the shelving unit of the bedside table and removed the phone book, climbing back into bed I opened the phonebook.
Right there in front of me were a list of therapists, could I go through with it. I know the benefits of therapy but did I need it? Yes. Could I go through with it? I don't know. Scrolling through the names I recognized some and instantly said no, others that I recognized had possibility I knew they were great in their respective fields. But one name stood out, I had heard of them but did I need their help. Writing the number down to call in the morning which was technically in two hours when my alarm would go off , I put the phonebook back and turned off the light.
I opened my cellphone and sent an apology to Rachel in a text and told her I would call her on my way to work, sending it I put my phone back and tried to get an hour of sleep. As I drifted I heard my phone go off, reaching over and opening the text it read:
From Rachel: It is ok Sweetheart we will talk when you leave…I love you x
Pausing at the last bit I didn't know if I should respond or not, we hadn't technically said I love you and I did love her but would I be lying if I replied even though I did love her. Taking a deep breathe I texted back:
Maura: Talk in the morning and…I love you too x
Putting my phone back I laid back down and allowed sleep to claim me; who was I kidding I was selfish and it wasn't going to be old age or insomnia that was going to kill me it was going to be my own selfish, using self that was going to kill me. I am a darn liar and I know I deserve every bit of bad karma that was coming my way.