A/N: Can I just say, thank you SO MUCH for the super kind reviews?! Seriously. They make my day/week/month. You guys are awesome! :D

And yeah, it took me a while to write this, I know. School's been super busy, but also, writing about this dark stuff is hard, brings me back to times that are hard to think about, so I can only write when I feel strong enough. But you guys are super understanding and patient, so thanks for that.

Now, let's continue on with the story!

I don't own TMNT.

I really don't want to go back to the lair.

I really, really, really don't want to.

I don't want to face them. I know that my brothers (and shell, even our counterparts) are great and that they'll try to be understanding... but that's the thing. I don't want understanding. I don't want to talk. I want to curl up in a ball and hide in my turtle shell, away from them, away from the world away from the darkness. I want it all, all the pain, emotions, thoughts, to go away.

But who knows if they ever will?

"We're here, Fearless," Raph says softly, and I try not to cringe at the nickname. I look up and suddenly we're in the lair, the very place I don't want to be in, but it's too late to go back now. Not that anyone will probably let me out of their sight now, anyway.

They're all waiting, right as we walk in: both Mikeys and Donnies, Leonardo, Raphael. They offer me sad smiles, except for Mikey who looks dejected, which breaks my heart. I look down. I can't look at them, I can't, I can't.

Raph notices my discomfort and steers me past them, guiding me to the guest room. "Take it easy, brother," he says, before leaving me alone.

I have no energy to do otherwise. I crawl into the bed, trying to snuggle as best as I can under the fuzzy faded blue blanket, before falling asleep.

"...wake him up? It's been twelve hours..."

"...rest, he needs it..."

"...sure?"

Voices fading in and out. I open my eyes and immediately close them; the light's on and it's blinding. Then I feel someone hovering over me and slowly open them again.

It's Raph, and behind him stand Donnie and Mikey. They all look concerned, and any other time, I'd wave their concern away. Not this time, though. I still feel exhausted, and not just physically.

"Let me look him over, Raph," Donnie says, and Raph steps aside to let the doctor do his work. Crouching over me, Donnie sticks a thermometer in my mouth and takes my temperature and vitals, using some of his counterpart's medical instruments, I assume.

"I'm not sick, you know," I mutter. My voice sounds hollow. Empty. Just like how I feel inside.

"I know," Donnie says. "I'm just making sure."

Behind him, Mikey shifts on his feet uncertainly while Raph stands still with his arms crossed. "And? Is he okay?"

Donnie stows away the thermometer and other medical tools and straightens. "Physically? Yes." He glances back at me. "How do you feel mentally, Leo?"

I look up at the question. They're are all looking at me expectantly, hopefully. Too hopefully.

I know what they want. They want me to say I'm fine, I'm doing great, don't worry about me, it's okay. But just thinking about lying makes me feel exhausted. Not that I was ever a good liar anyhow.

So I tell them, "Tired."

Sadness crashes over their faces and it shatters my heart. Again.

I want to be okay. I really do.

But I'm not, and I don't know if I'll ever be.

Donnie finally breaks the overwhelming silence after my statement. "Leonardo wants to talk to when you're ready."

Another talk? I barely had the energy to say anything to my brothers. I wonder how I'll be able to have a full-on conversation.

One by one, my brothers file out the door. First Donnie, who gathers up the tools and medical bag, promising to check up on me again later. Then Raph, who says he's always here for me, who seems like he's trying not to break by staying strong, but I know even my strongest brother breaks sometimes, too. Then Mikey, who whispers, "I'm sorry, Leo. I love you," before despondently trudging out the room.

Tears prick my eyes, but then they escape, trailing down my cheeks in streams. I don't deserve my brothers' support, their companionship, their love. I don't deserve any of it. Not when I'm such a failure. Such a loathsome, despicable failure.

Sometime later, someone slowly enters the room without knocking, and walks with careful, measured steps to my bed. I don't bother to wipe my tears as I slightly sit up so I can look and identify the intruder.

Oh. It's Leonardo.

"I was waiting for you," he's saying. "I thought you'd come at least an hour after you woke up. But it's been three hours, Leo. And you slept for twelve before that." He looks at me, into my eyes. "I know it's hard, but just staying in bed isn't going to help."

I didn't want to talk to anyone, not when things are so messed up. But the words just start pouring out of my mouth in a rush, like a gushing waterfall.

"It's easier to stay in bed than get up," I tell him. I can't bring myself to look at him, so I stare at the faded blue, almost gray, blanket covering me up instead. "It's too hard to fight the thoughts. Especially when they're right. What kind of brother, especially oldest brother, the leader, doesn't know what's going on with his own family?" My eyes sting with fresh tears, but I don't care if they fall.

And they do.

He moves closer, sits on the bed next to me."Hey," he whispers, gently. "It's okay, Leo. No one is perfect. I know that being the leader comes with so much responsibility, and it seems like we have to be perfect, but the reality is, it's impossible. It's impossible to be perfect. It's impossible to know exactly how everyone is doing. Or how everyone is feeling. And when one of your brothers is hiding something significant like that, it's hard. I know. Really, Leo, I know, I've been there."

The tears stop for a moment as he catches my attention. He's telling the truth, I can see it in his eyes. He's a leader too. He does know.

He continues, "But just because you don't know everything, or just because you're not perfect, doesn't mean you're a bad leader, or fearful, or a failure, Leo. Because you aren't. In fact, it just makes you a better leader, because even though things aren't perfect, you're still striving through it all. You're still willing to help your brothers and do anything for them. I know you are. And that's the most important part of being a leader, Leo."

He scoots closer to me, wrapping his arms around me, in a brotherly embrace. Tears are still flowing down my cheeks, but he whispers, "It's going to be okay."

"A-are you sure?" I stutter, my voice cracking.

"Yes," he responds firmly.

When the tears have finally decided to stop flowing, he lets me go. "You're going to get through this, Leo. Just take it one day at a time. We all want you to get better, and we all know you will. And we all know, that even if your brain tells you otherwise, you're an amazing leader."

I nod. "Arigato, Leonardo," I murmur.

"Anytime, Leo," he says. "If you ever want to talk, I'm here. Even when you go back to your dimension, which doesn't have to be anytime soon, but remember, you can still contact me."

I nod again, and then he leaves me to freshen up before dinner.

I think he's right, about how I don't have to be perfect to be a good leader, that everything will get better. I just hope the darkness doesn't try to convince me otherwise. I don't know how many more times I can fight it.

A/N: I'm sorry if this seems super disorganized, I just don't know where I'm going with this all, and anyhow, recovery isn't exactly an easy, quick snap-of-the-fingers process. Unfortunately.

Reviews and feedback are always appreciated. :)

Also - I know I've said this before, but depression and suicidal thoughts may seem difficult to get through, but it's definitely possible to overcome. Please seek help and talk to someone if you've been having feelings and thoughts like Leo's. I myself know what it's like, but the good news is, it DOES get a heck of a lot better with time and help.