Chapter 11
(a/n) Im sorry *Hides behind a rock*
When Sam next became aware of his surroundings he found he was sat up slightly, a thick blanket wrapped around his shoulders and a solid presence behind him. As his senses really started to come back to him, he realised two strong arms were wrapped around his middle and he could just about make out additional legs either side of his own. It was dark out and he was half laying on what he presumed was grass, damp from the cold frosty night. In front of his eyes were the most gorgeous lights he had ever seen. They were these white swirled lines, like that a kid would draw with sparklers, littered across the sky. Green, purple and blue were also thrown into the mix, creating the warmest, most spectacular glow. The lights were almost dancing around him, bringing with them a pure sense of calmness and ease.
If the rest of his time in Bobby's panic room could be spent like this then he had little fear about not being able to cope with the come down and the hallucinations detoxing brought him.
He wasn't stupid though.
He knew this was the calm before the storm.
He looked up further, wanting to take as much of the sight in as possible, he strained his neck back - and came face to face with Castiel who was looking down on him.
It was at that moment he realised who all the extra limbs belonged to and he felt his cheeks turn crimson. He looked away quickly, the shame building again.
He had forgotten the angel had smuggled him out.
He heard Castiel sigh above him and felt him give his middle a gentle squeeze.
"You don't have to look at me Sam but I want you to listen." He said carefully. His voice was rough but not nearly as deep as Sam was used to, it held a level of uncertainty within it that he had never heard before. It was like he was mulling over his words carefully, trying to choose exactly the right one before he spoke. " And I want you to see what I see." He paused, moving his head so he was looking up too."The lights, they are quite something aren't they?"
Sam frowned, his eyes locked directly in front of him, watching the movement in wonder. Castiel had chosen the perfect spot, on a mountain edge somewhere, free from civilisation with a view of the show no matter where you looked. He just wanted to reach up and touch it and for a moment he imagined just what it would feel like to run his hands through if he did. Would he experience tingling sensations? Would it tickle? Would he even feel anything other than the burning pain inside of him?
"They're real?" He asked uncertain, clueless on what was reality and what was just something his own mind was conjuring up.
"Yes."
Sam's face crinkled and he reached his hand up, trying to touch all the different elements, he wasn't even close to reaching them, his fingers grasping desperately at the air. He felt Castiel shake underneath him, a small chuckle leaving his lips.
"They are not tangible Sam, any more than stars are."
Sam withdrew his hand with a frown, shaking his head as if to clear the fog from his mind.
" Where are we?" He asked, breathlessly. He shivered and Castiel pulled the blanket tighter around him.
"Finland." He replied simply.
"What?" Sam tried to sit up, tried to push himself away from the angel, but Castiel had much quicker reactions than him. He barely allowed him to move more than a few inches before he gently coaxed him still. The dizzy spell which hit the hunter seconds later soon explained why and Sam fell back against his chest, trying to fight of the feeling of nausea that erupted like larva from the pits of his stomach.
"Be still Sam, your body needs to conserve as much of its energy as it can." Castiel said sympathetically, his hands only loosening when he was sure Sam wasn't going to try any sudden movement again. He could still smell the vomit which had resulted from his last attempt on the rocks further down the hill. He had moved them away once he was sure Sam was done hours ago now. He didn't know much about caring for the sick, but even he was certain they did not need to get a whiff of their bodies insides upon waking.
"Why are we in Finland?" Sam questioned groggily, bringing his hands to his face and rubbing at his eyes. His stomach felt like it was swimming through the deepest parts of the Mediterranean ocean, banging into as many obstacles as possible in its mission to reach the surface.
"I wanted you to see this, the aurora borealis I believe humans call it. It is the most visible here at this time." He answered, shifting slightly so he could study the hunter's reaction. His eyes, while weak and tired, were glistening in appreciation to what he was seeing. A far contrast to pentagram fan which made up the panic room's roof.
"It's so beautiful."
"Yes."
Castiel was unsure if he was referring to the lights or not, but his attention had long since left them, his hands brushing at the flop of sweaty hair which was resting against him. Even in this state, Sam's soul hummed.
"Why are you doing this?" Sam asked, a frown on his face as his mind tried to come up with its own answer.
Even as he fought to stay conscious Castiel could see his eyes rolling slightly and felt himself deflate in response to this. He had hoped the lucidity would last longer, that Sam would be able to gather some strength prior to the next round hitting him. Before he could say anything further , he felt the pulsing starting back up inside the boy's cells and knew he was minutes away from losing him again.
He cursed the blood, there was so much he wanted to say to Sam and it never seemed to give him long enough with him to say it.
"Because Sam, you don't deserve to wake up and see a prison."
"But I do... I'm a monster... It's where I belong" He spoke quietly, so quietly that had Castiel not been an angel, he wasn't sure he would have been able to hear him. His eyes were downcast now, his mind, or whatever else he was currently seeing, drawing him into the darkest thoughts which plagued him. If Castiel thought shaking him would help, then he would have done just that. He wanted nothing more than him to snap out of that mindset.
For good.
"No you're not, you are many things Sam Winchester, but a monster is not one of them. You're so good, so exceptional so -"
"Oh God." Sam moaned, interrupting him, his face bunching up. Castiel didn't have to see his expression to recognise the distress which was there. He felt his own forehead crease and he squinted, trying to work out what had caused that reaction. The blood had not picked up its pace enough yet to cause any alteration in his pain levels.
"Sam?"
"You're not real, this isn't real."
He sounded completely heartbroken, like someone had wiped away all traces of happiness from his life. Castiel's stomach twisted painfully and he leant forward, resting his chin on the top of the hunter's head.
He vowed to not let another single day pass where he did not tell Sam how he truly saw him, so he would never doubt the words he was hearing again.
"I am, I promise you, I'm here with you Sam."
"N-o."
He could feel Sam's breathing getting deeper, his breathe starting to come out in short puffs, like he was struggling to get enough oxygen into his lungs. He shifted slightly again, pulling Sam up this time to allow for better airflow. Sam's hands started twitching, his eyes rolling, he coughed and foam seeped out of the side of his mouth.
"It will pass soon Sam." He all but whispered into his ear, his hand that lay across his left side, drawing tiny circles, as his right braced itself for holding him still. "And I'll still be here."
Sam gasped, his arms throwing themselves forwards, then back, to the sides, everywhere, like he was trying to fight something off. His back arched and Castiel allowed it to shift as far as normal moment would tolerate.
He wasn't there to restrain him, he was just the archer, stopping the demonic energy from throwing him off a cliff.
Those words were the last Sam could hear from the angel before his mind was filled with his father's laugh and he started painfully convulsing.
When Sam next opened his eyes, his mother was there, the lights making her glow as she stepped towards him, holding her hand out to touch his face. She looked at him with such sincerity, such care as she ran her fingers down his cheek, mouthing 'my baby boy' under her breathe.
He called out to her, asked her to hold him, to come back to him, as she took a step away, her hand falling limply at her side.
That was when her eyes hardened and he was met with the face of a hunter, rather than the care of a mother cradling her infant.
'Why did I save you?' she asked and Sam squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to hear it, not wanting to see the woman who had given her life for him sprout out the words he was becoming so accustomed to.
He was the mistake.
She may have saved him just a few years ago from a poltergeist but she should never have bothered.
If she knew what he was set to become she would never have wasted her ability to be corporal on a idler like him.
She should have just let him die.
The world would have been better off.
He was worthless.
He ruined Dean's life.
Took her caring John away from her.
Turned him bitter and hateful, then dared to drink from the very creatures that killed her.
Killed them both.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." He begged to her as she hissed at him, begged her to believe him, to listen for one second to his side of the story.
He had tried to be strong. Fought it as long as he could, he couldn't escape it though. He had tried, but he just couldn't.
And he was sorry, he was so so sorry.
He hadn't meant for it to end this way.
He attempted over and over to get her to listen, tried to struggle to his feet, not understanding why he couldn't move from the ground.
"Sam." Another voice said, but he didn't listen to it as he battled to try and get to her. He was desperate, he wanted to be free, to go to her.
He cried out in frustration. His mother was leaving again and he couldn't get his body to cooperate long enough to stop her.
She backed away, towards the edge of the mountain top, shaking her head at him in disgust.
She didn't want to be near him.
His shoulders shook.
His chest felt like an elephant had just stomped on it.
He had only ever wanted her love.
He tried to reach out, to grab at her, to pull her back, she was to close the rocks and if she didn't stop she would fall. He couldn't be responsible for her death twice.
She took a step further and he lunged forward.
"Sam!" The voice called out again and a small fraction of his brain told him it belonged to Castiel.
He barely acknowledged it, his attention focused on his mother.
"Sam." She said only seconds later, her blonde hair blowing in the breeze. She was still wearing the white night dress she died in, the blood there for all to see.
He tried not to focus on it.
Tried to shut the salivation at just the sight of it, down.
"She's not really there." Castiel struggled, tightening his grip with one hand, the other brushing the hair from Sam's forehead, trying to ground him in some way. He knew there wasn't much he could do, not while Sam's body detoxed, but he couldn't watch him suffer like this without at least trying something.
The demonic blood was making Sam strong, stronger than normal, but he was an angel and he was so thankful he still processed the strength to hold him back. His body determined to make him jump off the cliff rather than live without the thing it desired the most.
"Why would I forgive you for all you have done?" She continued, stopping short of that very last step as she watched him with not a trace of pity in her eyes.
" She's not real Sam."
The woman glared.
"Yes I am, you know I am."
"Sam focus on me." Castiel shook his shoulder, trying to divert his attention from the blank space he was so enthralled with, trying to break his eye contact with what his mind told him was there.
"I can't believe you're the child I gave birth to." Mary continued, her face falling as she placed her hand on her stomach, her eyes filled with sorrow and regret. "The life I could have lead if it wasn't for you."
"Whatever she is saying ignore it."
"My baby Sam, died the day i did."
"She's not there."
"Just 6 months old."
The voices continued, back and forth, back and forth, until they were speaking at the exact same time.
Sam squeezed his eyes shut. Throwing his hands over his ears as he gripped at his head, trying to block them out.
He couldn't process this.
Couldn't begin to understand them.
They said something else and he pressed harder, their words jumbling together and making little sense to his dehydrated brain. He didn't know who to focus on, who was really there and who was just a figment of his imagination.
A figment of his addiction.
"Sam, listen to me."
"I died because of you."
He tried to wrench himself free from the arms that held him, force himself away. He couldn't cope with this, couldn't , wouldn't, shouldn't, have to. He wanted to run, needed to get as far away from them both as he possibly could.
A little distance, a little distance was what he needed, his brain screamed at him, distance from them, from the lights, from the cold, from everything.
The arms wouldn't let go though, they were stronger than him and the failing demon blood didn't give him a chance of overpowering them.
His mum came forward, leaning into him, her face curled up as she grabbed at him, tried to pull him by the shirt away from the angel.
"Just do everyone a favour and end this now." She practically spat at him and he recoiled backwards and tried harder to escape, he struggled and hit out at the legs beside him, tried to hurl himself away.
The hold didn't loosen even a fraction but he just fought more.
"Your mother loved you, she wouldn't say anything to hurt you." Castiel tried, running out of ideas on what he could say to get through to him. "She's a hallucination Sam."
"He's a hallucination Sam."
Sam gripped at his head again, shaking it, side to side, tearing at the roots. His body was trembling now, he was just so confused, so out of it, so high. He needed it to end. He needed them both to end.
He struggled again, he screamed, he thrashed, he convulsed.
Castiel debated moving, laying Sam on the ground and pinning him there, waiting for him to fight it out until he collapsed from his own exhaustion.
"Sam PLEASE, hear me, that is not your mother." Castiel tried again, sounding more desperate than he ever had before. He didn't know what to do, how to help someone whose own mind was fighting against them.
"Don't listen to him Sam, as if an Angel would ever want anything to do with you." Mary persisted, her voice was level, free of any emotion.
Sam stopped struggling, his body sinking, he hung his head low, mumbling under his breath.
He was just so worn out, he didn't have the energy to try and make sense of what was going on any more.
On one hand he could feel Castiel, on the other he could see his mother. They both sounded real.
He rocked back and forth
If he couldn't rely on his own mind then what could he rely on?
"Sam..."
"Sam."
"Stop." He whimpered, burying his face in his hands, he just wanted everything to shut down, his sight, his hearing, everything. He'd take a black hole of nothingness over this.
He wanted his brother, the real Dean, he wanted to go back to before Jess died and pretend none of this had ever happened.
He felt an hand soothingly running up and down his arm and leant into it, begging it to stay with him.
His vision blurred and then he saw someone else emerging from the darkness.
He whimpered, trying to shut himself off from it all.
He couldn't deal with this, he just couldn't deal.
He prayed for Castiel, the real one, to come and save him, not understanding why the presence behind him, gathered him up more, apologising for being powerless to help him in response.
He yelled out in fear as a familiar face stepped into his vision and begged his mind to cut him off from all of this.
To just let him pass out until it was over.
Mary was replaced with Dean, then himself as a kid, Lucifer, Michael, Castiel, Bobby, Jess the list went on and on. Throughout it Sam got more and more desperate, he went from angry to distressed, to hyperventilating, to unconscious before the cycle started up all over again.
Castiel had never felt so helpless in his life. This wasn't like the nightmares, there was no escaping the images Sam's own mind created he realised in horror.
Sam had slipped under again just under an hour ago and had experienced three seizures in that time. Cas hated to admit it but he was getting seriously worried about what long term effects would come from all of this. A human body did not go through what Sam was and come out of it the other end completely unscathed.
'If they came out of it at all.' A voice in his mind pointed out. He told it to shut up, that was not something that he was ever going to entertain the idea of.
Sam's head moved slowly to the side and the angel tilted his own to watch his eyes flutter open. He braced himself for whatever was about to come next.
Sam didn't do anything however. He just stared vacantly out in front of him, not saying or doing a thing. Castiel would have given the world at that moment to have him react to something in some way, just to show he was still there with him.
He didn't so much as blink, his eyes almost devoid of any signs of life.
"You're still here?"
Castiel's attention shot downwards as he heard Sam's voice. Daylight was breaking through the clouds by now and the lights that they had come to see were fading. It was the first time he had heard his voice in hours.
"Of course, I will not leave you." He stated, loosening his hold. Sam wasn't fighting him and he felt a flutter of hope.
"Hallucinations don't usually last." The hunter replied with a scoff, shaking his head but making no attempt to remove himself from the embrace.
"Well I will because I'm real."
"S'what they all say."
"But are they all still here?"
Sam paused, looking around the empty area in wonder, it was the first time in a while he hadn't seen another presence with him and it took him a moment to realise he really was alone aside from the angel, the one consistent in all of this.
"No."
"Then does that not that tell you all you need to know."
Sam was silent for a moment and Castiel began to wonder if he had been lost to his bodies fight once again. Then he groaned and muttered out one single word.
"Promise?"
Castiel frowned.
"Promise what Sam?"
"You won't leave me." He replied quietly, not wanting to hope that his friend really was there with him, but being unable to stop the little tingle at the back of his mind.
"At this stage, you couldn't get rid of me if you tried." Castiel responded with complete sincerity. He put his hand on Sam's forehead, wincing as he felt the heat radiating from it. He was really starting to burn up. With a grimace he forced his grace to the surface as a cold breeze. He needed to get that lowered and quickly.
He pulled the blanket of his shoulders with his free hand, keeping the other where it was and admitting as much grace as he could manage.
Sam hummed.
"Feels nice." He said softly, before drifting off again.
Castiel could only plead to the heavens to be allowed to keep this up for as long as Sam needed.
As the sun reached its peak in the sky, Sam coughed, a deep body shuddering cough. His throat sounded horse, which was hardly surprising giving how much he had been screaming over the last 24 hours.
"Hurts." He mumbled, twisting his head so his nose was pressed into Castiel's shirt.
Castiel gave him a sympathetic grimace, somewhat relieved he didn't seem to be denying his existence again. He rubbed his hand up and down his arm in comfort.
"I know."
Because really, what else was there to say.
His face contorted as he considered the other option. He tried to quash it, knew he shouldn't voice it but Sam's flinching soon left him with no other choice.
"I could... lessen it... but I don't think you will be too receptive to that idea." He relented, his face pained at just the proposal. Cold turkey was dangerous but giving Sam demon blood, even in small quantities, wasn't something that particularly appealed to him. He was seriously considering it though, if it helped him survive this, took the agony he was in away, then he would do it.
He would do anything for Sam.
Even if it went against everything he stood for.
"No." Sam replied, almost instantly. Even in his current state, he knew what the angel was implying. He had reluctantly considered it himself on a couple of occasions. He wouldn't do it though, he wanted it out of his system completely, not having more being pumped in.
He wouldn't give in, he wouldn't let his body think pain made him give in.
Castiel nodded, he wasn't surprised.
"Okay."
"Just like that?" Sam asked confused, if he had the energy, he would have raised an eyebrow. Things were never that straight forward for him.
"Of course, it's not my place to ever take consent away from you." Castiel replied softly, he wanted Sam's trust, needed it if he was to ever get him to understand how important he was to him. Tricking him or forcing blood into his system that he didn't want would put him about as far from that scenario as humanly possible.
Sam had so little control over many aspects of his life, he deserved at least one area where he was the driving force.
"Huh." Sam muttered, his expression tightening as another wave of pain hit him. He kept his face pressed into Castiel, his hand reaching up to grip at his coat. He didn't care if he was a hallucination or not, he was safe, familiar, comforting and he was going to cling to that with all his might.
His hands started to shake again, the tremors making their way slowly up his body.
Castiel tightened his grip once more, rubbing soft circles over his stomach as he held him as still as he could, knowing already what was coming next.
As anticipated, Sam's eyes rolled back and he was out of it yet again , his body fitting in the angel's arms.
When he finally stopped shaking, he vomited, foam and blood pooling out of his mouth. Castiel recognised the signs, heard the valve in his stomach releasing the liquid before it emerged and quickly turned Sam's head to the side to stop him from choking. He thanked whatever uncorrupted force that was out there, that the hunter wasn't still tied on his back on that cot. Just the thought of him being completely alone as he drowned himself in his bodies own contents was enough to warrant bile rising in his own mouth.
It didn't bear thinking about.
The black oozed down his jaws and over Castiel's trench coat as he coughed and coughed and coughed. The angel could do nothing but hold his head to the side, rub circles on his back as he tried to calm him in some way.
Reassure him that he was still there, that he wasn't on his own.
That he was keeping his promise.
Sam's stomach lurched a second, third and then a fourth time and his temperature skyrocketed. His shirt was cacked to his skin, covered in blood stains and whatever other liquids he managed to bring up. Castiel shook his trench coat of when he noticed it. It was now stained with the boy's insides anyway, a little more wouldn't make much difference. Carefully he wiped it down Sam's front, trying to get as much off of him as he could.
It would only distress him further if he could see it.
Sam's head fell forward and Castiel's manoeuvred him so it was leaning over his arm . If he was sick again at least it would hit the floor and not them.
He wiped the blood from his mouth and conjured a bottle of water, pulling it up to Sam's lips, he had tried to get him to drink a few times previously, but Sam was never in a condition to swallow. His body was beyond craving it now and the angel knew he had to get the fluid into him somehow.
Sam half heartedly pushed his arm away, his eyes not even opening.
Castiel was surprised to find he was even conscious.
"No." Sam mumbled shaking his head.
"It's just water Sam." Castiel said softly, trying to get him to drink it again. Sam shook his head more forcefully this time, his insides churning as he attempted to knock the bottle out of Castiel's hands. His eyes were slits now, but he could see it, he could smell it, the demon blood, swishing side to side in the small container. "I promise you Sam, it is water, I would never give you anything else."
Castiel brought the bottle closer, tipped some onto his hand as if to show him the clear liquid. Sam jolted away from it, his face creasing up.
Castiel sighed.
Then with determination he reached down and tilted Sam's chin so he was looking at him, locking his hand and refusing to let Sam look away. He lifted the bottle to his own lips and took a swig.
"See. Just water."
Sam crinkled his eyebrows as he watched Castiel down some of the red liquid. His mind swimming as he tried to comprehend what on earth he had just seen. He was fairly certain at this point that the angel was really there with him, that he wasn't a trick, but he could not understand why he would willingly drink some of that poison- it was everything he wasn't.
Castiel let go of Sam's face and put the bottle back in front of him.
"Trust me Sam. However confused you are, trust that I would not lie to you."
Sam looked conflicted, terrified even, his pulse was dangerously low and Castiel could hear it slowing down with each moment that passed. He pressed the bottle to Sam's lips again and was relieved when the younger Winchester parted them, allowing him to tip some of the water inside.
He was only going to give him a mouthful, worried what too much would do to Sam's over sensitive stomach when it was already so empty. Sam however had other ideas, the instant he swallowed, he raised his hand, wrapping it around Castiel's wrist and hungrily drinking the entire content.
Castiel hoped beyond anything else that he wasn't still thinking of it as blood.
31...32...33
Castiel pressed his index and middle finger harder into Sam's neck, praying he was just missing beats because of how weak they were. He had been sat monitoring Sam's pulse by hand for 43 minutes and with each new one that passed, one less beat joined the equation.
His temperature was over 105 degrees, far too high for a human being to sustain.
He could hear his kidney's shutting down, his lungs using less and less of the air space they were normally capable of.
28...29...30
Castiel slammed his spare hand to the ground, ignoring the crack that splinted along its surface. He had tried everything he knew off to try and help Sam, even the conventional pills the brother's often took when they were unwell, but nothing was affecting him.
He just got worse.
26...27...28
He laid him flat on the ground and sat hovering over him for a moment before placing his hands in the centre of his chest, willing him to keep on breathing.
He pulled at a memory of a show Dean was watching once, kept it at the forecourt of his mind as he tried to gauge the strength he would need.
24...25...26
He pressed down firmly on his chest with the palm of his hands and then let go sharply, before doing it again, counting each one out carefully in his head.
CPR they had called it, a way to pump the blood that Sam desperately needed around the body, to keep oxygen reaching his brain.
To keep him alive
20...21...22
"Come on Sam." Cas demanded, his actions getting more desperate as he willed him to fight, to not give up.
He would not have the boy find out first hand exactly what hell was like.
He could already see it, Sam's burning screams, Lucifer standing with a chain, keeping him down there until he said yes.
That thought alone made him press on with more resolve than ever before. He had to save him. He couldn't fail him now.
He would not let Sam suffer alone. Not ever.
3...4...5
He pressed and he pressed and he pressed... Until he no longer felt his heart beating off its own accord.
He froze, watching as Sam's breathing stopping completely, his liver giving out, his cell tissues slowly breaking apart.
"NO."
He slammed his fist down on to ground again, the surface beneath him shaking, the trees in the distance rattling.
His own breathing became erratic as he looked down at the still, unmoving, unresponsive form of his friend.
Pressure mounted at the back of his eyelids as he blinked, his chest tightening, a lump forming at the back of his throat.
His mind was screaming at him, telling him to do something, anything, Sam couldn't be lost. Not like this.
He carried on the resuscitation procedure, pressing down as hard as he could without breaking through Sam's rib cage, his grace burning through him.
He had to do it, he had to save him.
He leant forward, opening his mouth, pressing his own lips against Sam's and forcing as much air into his lungs as they could take.
Just as he had seen.
He bit at his lip as he pulled away, thumping down at a steady beat on Sam's chest.
He would do this for the rest of eternity if that was what it took.
Sam remained completely unresponsive.
Castiel could feel a reaper appearing beside him.
He fought on, he wouldn't let him go.
He couldn't let him go.
An unfamiliar hand touched his shoulder and his stomach lunged.
"Step aside Castiel."
A few miles down the road, at a lodge overlooking a lake, the guests paused in their movements as the building shook around them.
A distinctive 'Sam' echoing through the air.
A voice full of anguish.
Full of hopelessness
Full of despair.
Then there was a blinding light, a noise no one could comprehend and the sound of a body hitting the lake from a great height.
They shuddered, rushing out to see what on earth was going on.
They were greeted by nothing but silence.
Not a single disturbance left in the air.
(A/n) *Pokes head out from the rock, bribes with cookies, hides again*