"Ice Queen, please," Gumball replied sheepishly. "Not in front of Fionna...".
"...who...WHAT...".
"Oh, that's right," Ice Queen purred, turning to face her. "I'd almost forgotten you were even here...".
"...what's going on...where even am I?"
"Daaaaarling." The queen stretched the word out in a dreamy, singsong way. "What are you talking about, you're right here!"
Prince Gumball reached up and pulled his robe open slowly as Fionna's own head peeked up and out from inside.
"...what the...I...".
"Don't act so surprised, little bunny..." said the Queen, hand on the girl's cheek. "I've been waiting for this for so long...". She gently pressed her lips against Fionna's.
"...but if that's me...who am I...?"
To the left was a mirror, and staring back was Gumball. The muddled reflection looked concerned, beckoning, "Are you in there? Come on now...come on. You can do it...wake up."
The reflection slowly came into focus as the light became brighter and the edges of the world around became gradually sharper. The light hurt. Blink. No, it wasn't the light. The hurt was inside, behind the eyes.
Fionna groaned loudly. "Duuude, what happened?"
"You went and hurt yourself pretty badly," said Gumball, removing a wet towel from her forehead. "You've been asleep for a good two days."
She rubbed her eye and tried to sit up. Ow. OWW. She gave up and sank back down to the bed, clutching her ribs. "Man...I musta really racked up a new high score for injuries, huh?"
Gumball nodded, handing the towel to a wandering bon-bon nurse. "I'm frankly surprised you didn't sleep longer. Some people are out cold for even a week after an ordeal like yours...".
Taking a quick look around, she noted that she was lying in a rather comfy bed in a brightly-lit hospital room. Given that the frame of the bed was candy-cane striped, it was probably just a little bit safe to assume she was still in the Candy Kingdom.
"Gummy, please..." she said, cracking a half-smile. "I'm better than that. I'm a gruffin' tumbleweed! Take more than a few scrapes and burns to keep me-".
Wait. Burns...
"...what happened with Flame Prince? Did you...is he...?"
"Fionna, you need to rest," Gumball insisted, putting a hand on her shoulder. "I'll tell you all about it after you've had a chance to-".
"NO!" She forcibly sat up, gritting her teeth against the searing pain. "I gotta know what happened! He's my responsibility!"
"Fionna, stop!"
She glared back at him, throwing the blanket from her shoulders. "Dude. Tell me. Now!"
He turned away, putting a hand to his forehead. "Fionna...I swear, you are unequivocally the most stubborn creature I have ever known. Will you at least eat something first?"
Her ears perked up. She hadn't eaten since the morning before she'd left with Flame Prince. The insatiable beast in her belly roared to life. Maybe eating something wasn't a bad idea...
"And will you at least keep yourself covered until we can find you some suitable clothes?"
"Huh?"
She looked down to see a distinct lack of clothing on her body. "Oh...sorry dude, all these burn marks must be grossing you out."
The prince sighed. "Yes, Fionna. The burn marks are the reason I'm asking you to keep yourself covered. Yes. Now, if you'll excuse me for just a moment, I'm going to have Peppermint Maid bring in some-".
"WHERE IS SHE?!" A familiar voice echoed its way through the halls, accompanied by a scrabbling, clawing sound. The walls shook and crumbs fell from the ceiling as a gigantic, manic Cake crashed through the doorway, knocking the wafer doors from their hinges. She shrank down to her usual size as she dashed up beside the bed.
"Fionna, you're finally awake!" she yelled.
"Yeah, I know!" Fionna yelled back.
Her cat hopped up on the pillow and wrapped her arms around and around and around again in a constricting hug. "Can't believe I missed you wakin' up! I've been sittin' here for hours just waitin' and waitin', then I make one tiny trip to the litter box and of course you wake up while I'm gone, so then it looks like I'm late to the party!"
"Party?" she asked with a snort. "Some party...well, I guess I AM naked in a stranger's bed and covered in burn-is that food I smell?"
A long cart stacked high with baked goods pushed its way through the unhinged doors and parked itself beside the bed. Peppermint Maid smiled and produced a set of silverware from the pockets of her apron. "Please, help yourself to as much as you care for, Fionna."
Fionna's eyes grew wide and her mouth slacked open as the tantalizing aroma of waffles and fresh fruit and frosted donuts and oven-warmed muffins wafted about and tickled her nose. She made no attempt to stop her hands from stacking her plate high, and even less of an attempt to keep her blanket on. Cake stared at the fresh scars running up and down her bare back and shuddered.
"Baby, I told you your idea was total butts," she said, pulling the blanket back around to cover Fionna's. "Now look at you. You're all twelve levels of dinged up! I shoulda never let you go and do a thing like that with Flame Prince...".
Fionna turned around, wincing. "Eh diwd whab eh hab to," she said, small chunks of chewed waffle falling out of her mouth. She swallowed. "Besides, I'm still alive."
"Yes, about this whole Flame Prince business," Gumball began, crossing the room. "That's something I did want to talk with you about. Preferably once you had recovered a bit more, but I suppose pressing matters call for pressing attention, right?"
"Mhmmf", Fionna replied, already repopulating her plate.
"Gumball, don't you have anythin' better to do than fill my baby's ear with your business reports?" Cake asked sternly. "She's gotta heal first, and she ain't goin' nowhere til she's at least done that much! So why not just wait a little while before yackin' it up about this mission you've got cookin' in your noodle?"
Another princely sigh. "Cake, you said it yourself. The Flame Prince is a dangerous character. He needs to be be put under careful control, or he'll likely end up destroying our world. Granted, no one seems to have seen him since he vanished at the scene two days ago."
"Fo ee dibn't gep cruffed by va bib cupcape?"
Gumball shook his head. "I didn't foresee his flame being strong enough to burn through the batter we'd prepared. I expected it would bake him into a chocolate prison; at least one that would last long enough for us to devise a more permanent solution. Alas, he tore right through it like...well, like a hot knife through butter, to use an outdated metaphor."
"And are you sayin' you still want Fionna to chase after him?"
Gumball turned to the bed and put his hands out in helplessness. "I don't have many options here, Cake. The Flame Prince is a very dire threat to our kingdom, our country...fudge, even our WORLD may be in jeopardy! Pardon my language."
"I have to save the whole world now?" Fionna asked, bringing the milk jug away from her lips for a moment.
"You're not savin' no one, booger. Not until you feel rested."
"Whatever, mom."
Cake growled and raised a paw to smack her. She stopped herself short and laid on her side instead.
"Here is what I propose," Gumball continued, steepling his fingers in that familiar way. "In order to track the Flame Prince's movements, you'll need to understand three basic principles about him: behavior, motives and footprints."
Fionna nodded, cheeks stuffed to bursting with blueberry muffin.
"Simply put, you need to understand where he usually goes, where he wants to go, and where he's already been. Now, behaviorally, Flame Prince has never seen the world, so there aren't any usual places' we can check. The only places he knows are the places he's been or the places he's seen on a map. Assuming he hasn't already incinerated the map, haha...".
"Ha ha," Cake echoed, rolling her eyes.
Gumball scratched behind his ear and continued. "As far as motive goes, we know that he is angry and confused. He is likely seeking a place of solitude. A place where he can sort out his thoughts in peace and quiet. It's very well and possible that he's gone home to the Fire Kingdom. He may also know of another place in the land similar to it, or a place where he can cause no major harm. A volcano or a desert, perhaps."
Fionna burped loudly and nodded, sitting back on her palms.
"And finally, footprints. We identify where Flame Prince has already been, which, when combined with motive and behavior, gives us a fairly triangular indication of where to look. Fortunately for us, our missing person in question leaves pretty identifiable footprints. That is, a trail of ashes and devastation."
After a moment's pause, Cake responded with, "So basically we gotta go find him, and the best thing to do would be to ask people where they think he might be headed? I coulda told you that in like 10 seconds, Prince Verbosity."
Gumball frowned at Cake, then quickly regained his regal composure. "Ahem. Be that what it will, you are correct. I can think of two good options for hunting him down now. First-".
"Gumball, you say that like it's a dead-sure thing Fio can even MOVE right now," Cake interrupted, rising to her feet. "She ain't goin' out on no mission quest! Not while I'M here to stop her, that is."
"Oh hush, mom," Fionna said testily, swatting Cake's oncoming paw. "Let him just talk."
Gumball tilted his head, waiting a moment before continuing. "I think the best course of action at this point is to infer his probable whereabouts from one of two sources. I don't think you'll like either option, though...".
"Bring it," Fionna said, yawning.
"Very well," he said, putting his hands behind his back. "The first and more preferable option would be to return to the Fire Kingdom and learn a bit more from the Flame Queen. Perhaps she knows her son's personality well enough to predict his actions in this case. Or perhaps she's given him an open invitation to return to the kingdom. Whatever the case, she would seem to be a prime source of information to start with."
Cake blew a raspberry and brushed the thought away with her paw. "Them fire folks don't seem to be all that keen helpin' us, as I recall. 'Sides, we don't even have any more Flame Shields. How would we even survive the Fire Kingdom without em, specially given Fionna's condition?"
"Yes, I thought you might say that," Gumball sighed, hanging his head. "Which brings me to the worse option...". He gulped.
"Spit it out, Gumboob."
He frowned at that comment, then drew himself again to full height. "Alternately, you could track Flame Prince's movements through reverse psychology."
"Say wha?"
"Instead of asking someone who can follow Flame Prince, ask someone who'd be avoiding him. Someone able to predict his movements by knowing what signs to avoid. Someone to whom Flame Prince plays an essentially predatory or fatally dangerous counter-role. His elemental opposite, you could say."
Silence hung for a few moments. Fionna's face pinched into a sour frown. "...you CAN NOT be serious right now, PG."
"I told you you wouldn't like it."
"No. No FLOOPIN' way am I asking her! I REFUSE your offer good sir! That's all the crazy lady wrote, this is the end of the conversation. Nope. Goodbye."
"I'm only giving you an open option here. Nothing more."
"Well you can cram that option back in the butt you pulled it out of," Fionna replied, stabbing her fork into the mattress. "That's a TERRIBLE idea! Dude, seriously. The whole reason I even brought FP out of the Fire Kingdom in the first place was so I'd have a pal who'd KEEP HER AWAY! And now you're expecting me to JOIN UP with her to find him again?!"
"Fionna please, you need to calm down."
"No! Your idea is butts and a half! I feel like I gotta smack you for even suggesting it at all!"
He stepped back and took a deep breath. "If you can think of a more productive idea, then please let me know. In the meantime, I strongly recommend taking a little trip to the Fire Kingdom and having an important chat with the OTHER Queen."
There was another snort from Cake. "You're still ignorin' a crucial fact here. Fionna can't go anywhere. She's bed-ridden and home-stuck, and I ain't budgin' on keepin' her that way til she heals!"
Fionna looked back over her shoulder and opened her mouth, only for Cake to clamp her paw over it before any regrettable words escaped. "I'm not sayin' this as your so-called Mom, Fi. I'm sayin' this as your SISTER!"
"No, no," Gumball admitted. "I'm not saying she needs to leave at all. I was actually thinking YOU could go, Cake."
"Me? What for?"
"Well, aren't you also considered a champion among the Fire Kingdom denizens?"
"Huh? Oh. Yeah, I guess so," she said, scratching her chin. "I got a certain rapport with the royalty, I suppose. But I still don't have a Flame Shield. You got one, by chance?"
"Afraid not," Gumball lamented, sitting back in a gingerbread chair.
"Perhaps I can be of assistance?"
Entering the room with a petite flair, Peppermint Maid sidled up to the bed and smiled sweetly. She had always sort of creeped Fionna out. Something about that plaintive smile, that almost sparkling purity she carried...Fionna had sometimes wondered just what a girl like that did in her spare time.
Gumball look at her quizzically. "Peppermint Maid? You have something to share with us?"
She nodded. "I heard you were in need of a Flame Shield. I know how to cast that spell."
"Really," Fionna half-asked, half-stated. "How convenient and fortunate...".
"Indeed," the maid replied. "I've been imbued with limited white magic for quite some time now."
"You never told me this, Peppermint!" Gumball remarked, astonished.
"I've never had a need to until now, majesty," Peppermint replied. "Besides, I'd rather prefer to keep this knowledge a secret among trusted peers only...".
"Okay, cool," said Fionna as she again leaned forward to grab a remaining jelly donut from the cart. "So you know Flame Shield, and you can cast it on Cake so she can go talk to the Flame Queen and get this stupid Prince biz sorted out. That's about the guts of it, yeah?"
"Yes, that's about it..." Peppermint's voice trailed into "...but to cast it I'll need a small blood offering."
A stunned silence coated the room for a few seconds. "...blood?" asked Gumball.
"Oh, don't worry, it will be my own," Peppermint assured them, pulling up the puffy shoulder of her dress. "And it won't be too particularly much. Perhaps you can now understand why I prefer not to expose this little secret to just anyone...".
"Indeed," the prince nodded gravely.
I knew she was hiding something, Fionna thought as the maid stepped out of the room. That girl is nuclear crazy. Who ever heard of blood sacrifices in white magic, anyway?
"So we're all agreed, then?" Gumball asked the room at large. "Peppermint will cast the spell, Cake will visit the Fire Kingdom and Fionna will remain under Candy Kingdom care and put a shirt on."
She paused licking her fingers to slowly pull the blanket back up over her shoulders.
"Yeah, sounds about right," Cake concluded. "I'll go and clean up Fionna's mess like the globbin' MOM I am...".
She was met with a punch on the shoulder. "Hush. If I wasn't all crackerjacked right now, I'D be the one going and you know it."
"Whatever, Fi. Hey wait, where'd Peppermint go?"
"Yes, one moment," she replied from the hallway. She returned seconds later, carrying a small saucer of red and white swirled syrup and clutching her shoulder with her free hand.
She placed the saucer on the floor and produced a stick of red chalk from her apron, quickly drawing a circle filled with intricate linework. Her hands moved in deft, learned patterns, suggesting that she'd done this a few times before. Fionna watched through tired but scrutinous eyes as Peppermint placed the saucer in the center of the circle and performed the incantation.
With a sudden spark, several symbols appeared in fire from Peppermint's mouth and Cake took on a light blue aura. The room quickly faded back to it's normal hospital brightness. "And that is that," Peppermint said with an air of accomplishment.
"Well I'll be," said Cake. "Feels like Flame Shield to me! You got a natural talent, sister!"
Peppermint nodded and retrieved the now-empty saucer, erasing the chalk circle.
"Alright then," Cake announced, somersaulting off the bed. "I'm outie, guys and girls! Be back in two bites of a pizza crust!"
As she ran toward the door, she paused to call back over her shoulder, "You just rest, Fionna. I wanna see you happily healthy again when I get back."
Fionna belched and fell back against her pillow in response.
"Good." Cake nodded and saluted to Gumball and Peppermint, then spidered her way through the Royal Palace on elongated legs, right out the gate and into the open plains.
Well, well, well, she thought as she bounded off toward the burning mountains on the horizon. Here I am once again doin' Fionna's dirty laundry for her. Dang girl needs to learn that I'm only protectin' her cause I know better, and because I don't wanna have to mop it up every time she spills the freakin' apple juice.
Then again, she makes a fair point. I HAVE been gettin' awful defensive about her. Kinda like Ice Queen was with me...but this is so totally different! I'm playin' the defense so that stupid witch doesn't stick her nasty claws in my baby! I'm playin' against EVIL, not just someone who I THINK is evil! there's a difference 'tween my motives and hers!
I'm right and I know it. I feel it. I'm doin' a good thing here.
She repeated this to herself like a mantra as she leapt her way over the forest and within minutes reached the familiar smoke-choked skies of the Fire Kingdom border. She returned to normal size as she ambled up to the gates. Standing ever-slouched at the lava rock doors were the same two fire golems she'd run into with Fionna last time.
The golem on the left looked down at her and something crunched loudly in its throat before it grumbled, "The hairy champion has returned. Will she again take something with her this time?"
"What?"
The right golem cocked its head. "Where are your coolish glasses? Have you abandoned them like the Prince has abandoned his lamp?"
Cake frowned and stretched up to eye level. "Look you drips, I'm in a hurry here. Open that gate!"
The left golem shook it's hard-baked head slowly. "I think we will not do that."
"Oh I got no time for this," Cake said dismissively. "I'm a champion 'round here. If I'm in a HURRY, then I gotta ticket to run the gate whenever I dang well please!"
She backed up a few steps and rushed forward on springy, stretchy legs, hopping right over the spiny walls of the gates, alighting on a rotund column of burnt red rock on the other side.
The golems looked to each other, shrugged, and pretended not to notice, resuming their soulless, silent gaze into the horizon.
Looking ahead, Cake picked out a mental path of stepping stones she'd use to get to the globular palace in the center of the lava lake. She took a deep breath, instantly regretting filling her senses with the suffocating, putrid smell of sweaty volcano, then hopped deftly from stone to stone.
I may have a Flame Shield on me, she said to herself, but there ain't no way I'm takin' any chances of scorchin' my tootsies. Gotta be careful and precise. That's why MY plans always work!
Moments later she arrived at the palace door, again guarded by the same two she'd met last time. She donned a grim and serious expression, glaring at the female guard.
"Oh...it's you, isn't it?" the guard said, nervously glancing to her partner. "You've returned...um...how fantastical."
"Lemme in, Jill, or whatever your name was," Cake said impatiently. "I gotta talk to your Queen right quick."
Jill turned to her fellow guard. "She, uh...she doesn't have an appointment, does she?"
He looked at the wall behind him, reading a list of chiseled names and numbers. "...nope, I don't see Hairy Champion listed here. What should we do, though? She IS sort of like a Royal here...".
"Yeah, a Royal what-to-do..." Jill replied, scratching her head. "I don't know what protocol is here, we've never had to deal with Champions kicking around, demanding audience."
"Should...should we ask someone?"
"Nah, takes too long. I think we can take her in a fight, though."
"Us? Against a Champion? You gotta be losin' your sparks."
"Nah, I totally think we can take her if we do it by surprise. She's like...a cat-beast. A lesser evolution, that sort of jazz. She won't see it coming!"
"But she's kinda more than that. She's got Royal status. Aristocracy stuff. She's Miss Aristocat Champion, the Hairy One, the Hissing Match, the Meowthpiece of a Foreign Nation, the-".
"WILL YOU TWO SCUDMONKEYS SHUT UP ALREADY?!"
They stopped and stood erect to attention.
"Now you open this door right this second," Cake growled, her tail transforming into a giant spike-covered fist, "Or I'll leave nothin' but a lump of smokin' body guts in your place by the time I'm finished with you, you hear me?!"
The guards remained silent as Jill cautiously pulled the lever to raise the gate. Steam rose from her forehead, which Cake assumed was the Fire Kingdom equivalent of sweating. She held her chin up, molded the back of her head into a long length of hair and flipped it over her shoulder as she walked by. "And may you never forget it," she whispered scathingly.
As the gate slammed closed behind her and darkness flooded her vision, she waited impatiently for the walls to come alive and provide their veins of low light.
This must be what bakin' feels like, she mused. Here's a Cake in the oven, waitin' for the heat to kick in and that little metal part that gets hot to turn all orange.
The moment the veins glowed bright enough, Cake shot down the slanted corridor, running on all four, no, six, no, eight paws. The sooner she got this over with, the better. No telling how long her protective enchantment would last.
She burst into the center of the colossal throne room and shouted "Flame Queen! I gotta pick my teeth with your bones, so listen up!"
She stopped right in the middle of the floor, panting. Looking around, she noticed she'd interrupted some kind of show. Flame children in decorative outfits froze in mid-dance. A band comprised of bone flutes and hollow-rock claves faltered and fluttered into silence. With a roar, the Flame Queen's head shot up an angry fireball.
"What are you doing, Champion B?" she shouted. "Why did you crash my special Responsible Honor Among Children's Recital?"
"Ahm..." Cake started, lips puckering. "...yeah. Sorry. But I really gotta talk to you here."
"Talk? I suppose that's cheap enough, I'll take it. You are a Champion, after all." The Queen waved the children away. "Go on back to practice, all of you. Perform faster next time. No honor among slowpokes!"
Once the children had dejectedly ushered themselves out the door, Cake turned back to the Queen. "Alright, now I gotta talk to you about your boy."
"Ah yes, my little Flame Prince. How many of your lands has he already taken in?"
"Well, he's...uh, I mean, he and Fionna, see..." Cake stuttered. "I actually...don't even know where he is...um, presently."
This was such a dumb idea, she whispered in her mind.
"Oh..." the Queen rested her chin on one hand. "Well, no matter anyway. As long as he isn't still here, everything marches onward as planned."
"...as planned...?" Cake repeated, running the words through her mind. "...uhm...whatever. So look, lemme ask you this, Majesty. If you went out lookin' for your son, where would you look first?"
Flame Queen stared back at her blankly. "...what sort of game is this? He's obviously going to be with his new wife. Isn't he?"
Cake's tail twitched silently for a moment. "...hypothetically, what would you do to the messenger if they answered no' to that question?"
The Queen shrugged. "Probably boil them in lamp oil, same as I'd do to anyone less than a Champion. Hypotheses notwithstanding, it sounds like everything is probably still moving ahead precisely as planned."
"Precisely as...what are you jivin' at? Is there somethin' goin' on that I should know about?"
Silence filled the room.
"...as a Champion?" she added.
Flame Queen cleared her throat. "I suppose since you are indeed a FOREIGN Champion, you may need a brief history primer. Please make yourself comfortable and, heh, warm. In the beginning-".
"Could ya just...give me the abridged version here?" Cake rushed her, looking down her back to see the blue aura of the Flame Shield fading away.
A sigh from the throne. "Fine. These philestinian Champions just have no respect for historic literature, I tell ya...".
"So, the Fire Kingdom is not exactly a habitable place to beings who aren't always on fire, as you can well relate to. We are a place of curious and creative people, but there's only so much a fire person can teach another before we succumb to knowing it all', so to speak."
"We tried inviting people in, they couldn't stay. We tried expanding out, people wouldn't LET us stay. So, what's a Fire Kingdom to do to gain a loyal following? Gain some support? Gain some fresh new subjects and aristocrats?
"We could wage war, you say. We're very good at destroying things and looting them and tooting the horns of victory afterward. Sure, but where's the actual victory? We've lost the kingdom we were going to rule, left it ravaged for the sake of conquest!"
"No, that is stupid and dumb. Savage war is stupid and dumb. We have an old adage here in the Fire Kingdom. It's so old we even chiseled it onto our rock flags. Bella gerant alii, tu felix Regnum Ignis nube'. Let the others wage their stupid wars. But oh, the fortunate Fire Kingdom shall instead marry!"
"Marry?" Cake echoed, tail brushing from side to side and bristling slightly. "You mean like 7-layer cake, fancy-pantsiest clothes and sparkly rings kind of marry?"
"Marriage," the Queen replied, swishing the word around in mouth. "When two people get all excited about each other and agree to become as close as blood, sharing their lives and their wealth and their power with one another...you do have marriage in the outside world, don't you?"
"Well duh," Cake shot back, sticking her tongue out. "That's what I just said. But what's marriage got to do with anything?"
A sly smile formed on the Flame Queen's lips. "Don't you see? Your fellow Champion, as a Champion, must hold at minimum some level of power or influence in the outer world. By marrying and subsequently following her as her husband, my son, the Fire Kingdom Prince, has thusly been imbued by social standards with a keen notion of Fire Kingdom power over at least a part of HER kingdom! Don't you see it?"
Cake's face fell. "So all you were tryin' to do is get your fingers in everybody's pie by marryin' off your baby?"
"That about completes the circle of it, yes."
"First off," said Cake, as she began punctuating her sentences with zealous hand motions, "That's dumb and a terrible way to expand your kingdom. I mean, you're limited by the number of babies you can pop out in your lifetime, for one! But more importantly, your whole spiel did nothin' to help me figure out where to find your boy!"
The Queen giggled. "It doesn't even matter if you find him anyway! By marrying a Champion with outer world influence, he's furthered my plans regardless! Every gear in the clock is already turning now! You can find him, but you won't stop him from spinning! Eheheheh...".
"But...but you and he...and Fionna...rrgh!" She balled her paws into fists and made a move to deck the Queen's smug face. She restrained herself, took a deep breath, and instead, spun around and skittered off on all fours, running back toward the gates as the queen's laughter echoed and rebounded off the walls behind her.
Well whaddya know, she thought bitterly as she crashed her way through the palace door. Another setback. Another fluff-up. Why does everything have to go wrong?!
It's still all Fionna's fault. If she hadn't been so preachy-keen on ditchin' Ice Queen, we wouldn't even be in such a mess at all! She's the real reason behind all these fluff-ups, isn't she? I'm gonna have to get her a special medal for the most fluff-ups in a single mission! What a butt!
She stretched her way across the lava lake, Flame Shield all but gone entirely now. Setting paws on the mountains that rimmed the kingdom, she hoisted herself to the top, taking a moment to look back over her shoulder.
From this height, the entire kingdom looked like a burning, glowing eyeball. The palace in the center formed the eerie, widened pupil of a cat on the prowl for dinner, and mountain rims jutted out from either hemisphere like stone eyelashes.
The whole Fire Kingdom was just one big eye, watching and waiting for the rest of the world to lower its guard so it could thrust marriages upon it.
Gritting her teeth, Cake dashed across the open plains and over the forest on insectoid legs, making a direct beeline for the Candy Palace.
Well that was a total bust, she grumbled to herself. Gotta dash my way back to the Candy Kingdom to tell em all that I learned a whole steamin' pile of nothin'. I hate bein' the messenger-girl! Why am I always stuck doin' the boring stuff, the dirty work? Every gloopin' time, here's me, takin' care of the loose ends, patchin' up the busted floorboards, thinkin' up a real escape plan. Where's my respect? Where's my easy job? Fionna gets to do all the fun stuff, when is it my turn? That girl's just so selfish, and she doesn't give me diddly!
She sighed loudly. Buck yourself up, girl. She's your sister for life. You need her, and you know it. She's the only family you got right now. You gotta be responsible, take care of her. Be a good sister, raise her right. Even if it means doin' all the nasty biz...
Minutes later, she arrived at the Candy Kingdom front gate, and a few more minutes later, she had made her way back to the hospital room. Fionna was lying reclined in her bed, playing a video game on a wall-mounted television while munching on another plate of donuts. She'd finally changed into an ill-fitting hospital gown, and her familiar bunny hat hung loosely over the top of her head.
"Hay Cake," she said casually, mouth full. "Shup?"
"Fionna, are you STILL eating? Girl, you're gonna explode your guts if you keep that up!"
She was met with a shrug, followed by a "HA! Foolish frog, you can't hope to defeat me, your whompin-mama! I clobbered your butts to the trash!"
Cake frowned. She's doing it AGAIN! Kickin' back, relaxin' and maxin', all cool like it's no big deal, doesn't even ask me if I'm okay or what happened or nothin'! Just pluggin' her face up with sweets and playin' games!
"I changed into a gown, too," Fionna replied in between bites.
"Oh...was that...did I say all that out loud?"
"Kinda."
"Oh."
For a moment there was a pause, followed by the pause sound from the game.
"...so what DID happen, Cake?"
Cake shook herself to attention, then crawled up beside Fionna to watch her play. "The whole Fire Kingdom is evil," she said, watching Fionna's bulging stomach rise and fall with each breath.
"Yeah, kind of figured it was something like that." She reached for another donut.
"Flame Queen's just tryin' to marry off her kids and make 'em royalty in other kingdoms."
"Mwhoa, rilly? Thash crazhy." She swallowed. "So FP's not even really trying to be all romantic-like with me? He's just sort of...doing his job?"
"Yeah, somethin' like that. Girl, I'm serious, stop crammin' those things in your mouth!"
"Wha'ever mob."
Cake reached up and slapped Fionna across the cheek, knocking the donut from her mouth. Fionna threw down her controller and shoved Cake off the bed. "What the cattle prod, Cake?! You got some kinda beef today?"
Picking herself up angrily, Cake thrust her nose right up against Fionna's and growled at her. "Fionna, I've had up to HERE with your cocky attitude and your sassy mouth! It's high time you stopped thinking about yourself for one minute and started treatin' me with some proper respect! I'm your globbin' SISTER, for cryin' out loud!"
"Yeah? Well you've sure been acting a lot less like a sister and more like a MOM ever since this whole Ice Queen biz started!"
"Fionna, what are you even SAYING here with all this MOM' scrap?! I am NOTHIN' like my mom! How DARE you even say somethin' like that to me! ME, who's been raisin' you and takin' care of you for most of your flippin' LIFE! ME, who's been makin' sure you grow up STRONG and smart enough to take care of your own self when the day comes that I'm not around to protect you anymore! I've been doin' NOTHIN' but SACRIFICIN' my time and energy for your own sake, and now because of that you're actin' like a MONKEY'S BUTT and fartin' all over my face with your words! At LEAST show me a LITTLE respect for all the things I do for you!"
Silence. Thick, tense silence, only disturbed by the sound of Cake's heavy breathing. The television above quietly went into screensaver mode.
Fionna's head tilted slowly downward and her shoulders sank. "Cake...have I really been...is that like, how you feel and stuff?"
"I wouldn't be yellin' it if it weren't the truth," Cake said in a calmer voice. Wow, I really DID sound like a mom back there, she added mentally.
Brushing the hair from her face, Fionna looked down at the bed pensively. "...well...I guess...yeah, maybe I have been really hard on you lately. I keep blaming Ice Queen for it, but I'm obviously the giant fart around here. I've just been really caught up in stuff these past few weeks, and my buns are just getting all kinds of jacked up. You know I don't really mean all this bad junk I say to you. It's just the hurt talking...".
Lips quivering, Cake threw herself at Fionna, all but crying hysterically. "Aww, BABY...I don't WANNA be mad at you! I'm so sorry for yellin' at you like that when you're hurtin' so bad! Now I just wanna give you the biggest, dopiest hug ever!"
Fionna spit out a patch of offending cat hair and hugged Cake tightly. "Whoa, take it easy, girl...I love you too!"
Their joyful reunion was cut short by several curt knocks on the door from Prince Gumball. "Ladies, I'd hate to interrupt a truly touching moment, but as Prince, there are still important matters I must attend to as priority. Cake, were you able to learn anything from your visit to the Fire Kingdom?"
Cake scrambled her way from Fionna's lap to the edge of the bed and sat up straight. "Not a lot. I learned why the Prince married' Fionna, but the Queen was totes helpless when I asked where he might be."
"Hmm," the prince mused. "I had actually guessed he would have gone home to the Fire Kingdom. Strange. Why did he marry Fionna, though?"
"The Queen's tryin' to expand the kingdom by marryin' off her kids," Cake said disapprovingly. "She thinks Fionna's got a kingdom or somethin' and Flame Prince is gonna inherit it by bein' her bride. I guess. Doesn't make a lick of sense to me."
Gumball turned to the side and stared at the ground, rubbing his chin. "Expansion by familial interjection, hm? Clever idea, really. Very slow, though. The Fire Kingdom must be very patient people."
"But evil people aren't usually patient, are they?" Fionna added, trying to be a part of the conversation.
"Oh, quite the contrary," Gumball countered. "Most evil people are actually very patient. They often dwell on things for far longer than is reasonably necessary or healthy for them, and they're willing to wait great lengths to get exactly what they want."
Sounds familiar, Fionna thought bitterly.
"Well, if one Queen has not served us well, then perhaps the only logical remaining option for us is to ask the other one," Gumball concluded. "Though I know it pains you to even consider-".
"NO."
"Fionna, you really need to listen to logic on this," Gumball implored. "She may be our only hope of tracking Flame Prince."
"NO."
"Please, Fionna?"
Cake stretched a hand up and put a finger to his lips. "Shh, Gummybuns. When a girl says no, she means NO."
Fionna crossed her arms and glared at the bed. "I'm saying no, PG, but I think in my gut you might be right. And that just makes me wanna say NO' even louder."
She looked over at Cake. "But...sometimes ya gotta put yourself away and make some sacrifices, cause...it's not always about you and what you want. Or...don't want, I guess. Ya gotta do what's best for everybody, even if the job smells like unwashed butts. It's just what you have to do."
She smiled. Cake smiled. Ice Queen smiled.
Wait.
"...ICE QUEEN! When did you get here?!"
She was standing against the wall beside the window, wearing a white tank top and tight, black shorts. Her hair was held up in a messy ponytail. She appeared to have been sweating, or wait, melting recently.
"I'd been waiting outside the window for my cue for about...oh, twenty minutes or so." She hovered over to Fionna. "Look at you, poor darling...all busted up like a pooped-out pi ata. Are you going to be alright?"
Fionna shot a nasty look her way. "I'm fine, shut your-".
"GOOD." She slapped Fionna hard across the cheek. OW.
Cake leapt up and tackled the queen to the ground. "What the dump was that for?!"
"Get off me, Hairlicker!" she blasted Cake away with a small ice beam. "I'm not here to fight you!"
"Oh, very convincing Ice Queen," Fionna snarked, rubbing her cheek tenderly. She jumped to her feet and stepped into a defensive position. OW. She quickly scanned Ice Queen from toe to head for any weapons, or bubbling potions, or HOLY COW was her butt always that big? She must never have noticed it hiding under that poofy bustle dress...
"You deserved it!" the queen hissed. "I told you Flame Prince was bad news. I told you to give up on him, but you didn't listen to me! Now look what he's done!"
Fionna's fist clenched, sending a ripple of pain up her arm. She gritted her teeth and swallowed. "I'll live."
"Of course you will," Ice Queen snapped. "You've been hurt before and bounced right back. One little healing spell and you'll be fine! I'm not worried about you!"
"...what?"
"You said it yourself, Fionna. It's not always about YOU, now is it?"
Fionna dropped her fighting stance and stood limp for a moment. "...again, what?"
Ice Queen sighed, cracking her knuckles. "I'm here regarding Flame Prince. You said you all have no idea where he is, am I right?"
All three nodded slowly. Cake brushed the ice from her chest.
"Actually," Gumball interjected, fidgeting with his fingers, "I was just suggesting we...that is, Fionna and Cake...ask you for assistance in locating him."
Ice Queen nodded. "I didn't even need to track him. If he hasn't already left, I can take you to him right now."
"You know where he is?" Cake asked.
"Yeah," she replied, hands on her hips. "He's destroying my kingdom."
All three were silent for a moment. Fionna watched a single bead of (sweat? ice? liquid skin matter?) roll down the queen's cheek and fall to her chest. She noticed Ice Queen staring back at her and snapped to attention. "Is that why you're in that summery get-up?"
Ice Queen remained paused for a moment, struck with a question she hadn't been expecting. "...yes," she replied slowly. "...summery. This is totally a summery outfit, yes. Not just underclothes...".
She shook her head, coming back to focus. "Fionna, I need you."
"...for what, exactly?"
"Flame Prince," she said testily, stretching the words for emphasis. "He's literally destroying my kingdom and I need you to help me stop him. Obviously I can't fight him on my own."
Fionna crossed her arms and smirked. "And why should I help you, Ice Queen? What good does it do me if I help you out here?"
"Look, Penny Cottontail, I don't have time to play mind games with you right now. I'm kind of in a hurry!"
"How do I even know you're telling the truth here?" Fionna asked, throwing her hands in the air. "For all I know, you ARE playing mind games! You always do anyway, why should this time be any different?"
"Fionna, please!" the queen insisted. "He's melting me, destroying my beautiful kingdom, terrorizing my penguins, and I can't get a hit on him before my Flame Shield dries up! I really, REALLY need your help!"
"Wait," Cake butted in. "You can cast Flame Shield?"
"Well I can't cast it directly on myself, but I made a bunch of tiny crystals and imbued them with the spell, so, in a sense-".
"Great, fine," Cake said, pushing her back toward the window. "Then YOU can just go fight him to your heart's content. Go on, get your fat behind outta here!"
"No, you don't understand!" she replied, digging her heels into the gingerbread and bumping Cake back with her bottom. "The shields only ensure that I won't DIE from the heat! I still need to be able to actually hit him! My ice melts before coming into contact, so I either need someone to take him out for me, or at least distract him while I charge up a real whopper of a spell!"
Fionna stomped her foot. "We can't KILL him, Ice Queen! He may be dangerous, but he's still my friend!"
"Fine then, we imprison him, or drive him away. Just so long as he's not destroying my home!"
"That's fine for you, but what about for me?" Fionna asked, determined not to come out on bottom of this discussion. "How does helping you help me? And don't say I'm doing it out of love, 'cause I hate you."
"I love you too, darling, but that's QUITE beside the point," the queen said, straightening her hair. "Flame Prince represents a bigger problem than just you and I. He threatens to burn down entire kingdoms. THAT will definitely affect you as well, so by putting a stop to him, you're not at a loss in this bargain. Either you take care of what YOU started - with my help - or you watch the world burn."
Fionna glared at her for a moment, not yet responding. She studied the queen's face intently, trying to decide just how far she could be trusted. She kept getting distracted by the long, wispy eyebrows floating out from just above the queen's pleading eyes. How did they even stay up there like that?
"I'm not even asking you as my girlfriend, Fionna," Ice Queen continued in a softer voice. "I'm asking you as a hero. I have need of your righteous heart, not your loving heart. Please. Help me."
Fionna remained silent as she lowered her gazed to the floor. She turned around, took a few paces, then leaned forward against the bed, back to the queen. "...fine, I'll do it. Under protest."
"...good enough," Ice Queen said, half-smiling. "Nice buns, by the way."
Fionna quickly turned around, pinching the hospital gown shut behind her. "Ice Queen...!".
The queen shrugged, grinning mischievously.
"Uh, hey, can I interrupt for just a sec here?" Cake stepped forward. "I do believe we've forgotten one important detail. Fionna is still totally jacked up! She can't go out adventurin' like this!"
Ice Queen sighed impatiently. "I already told you, all she needs is a quick fix of white magic. Hey, Gummypuss. You got any white mages around here?"
Gumball, who by this point was trying to forcibly melt himself into the wallpaper, gulped and shook his head. "I...I don't think so?"
There was a cough from the hallway. Everyone craned their neck to look as Peppermint Maid shuffled in the doorway, broom in hand. "Good afternoon, everyone. Someone mentioned white magic. Is there any way I may be of assistance?"
"Oh, except for Peppermint Maid..." Gumball muttered under his breath.
Ice Queen squinted and leaned forward, scrutinizing her. "...yeah, I definitely see some kind of aura coming from you. Probably white. Maybe grey. Hard to pin it down, actually. You know any healing spells?"
"Hold up," Cake again interrupted. "Ice Queen, why you askin' Peps about magic? You're a witch, why don't YOU cast a healin' spell?"
"Don't know any," she replied dismissively. "I deal primarily in ice magic, with a little bit of dibble-dabble in other genres and colors. Never needed a healing spell though, so I don't know any."
Peppermint stepped forward. "I do know several healing spells, probably strong enough to cure even Fionna's injuries."
"What? Why didn't you just heal her the moment she came in, then?" Gumball demanded.
"My magic capacity is a bit...ehm, trickier than that," she explained. "To cast a spell, I need to offer a blood sacrifice. And particularly for a regenerative spell to work properly, the blood aura must be compatible' with that of the target."
"Hmm," Gumball pulled out a small notepad from his back pocket and jotted something down. "Similar blood types affect the chemistry of magic, then...fascinating."
"That must be why I had so much trouble learning them," Ice Queen mused. "No compatible vic-I mean, targets...to practice on."
"So...wait," Fionna said, hands on her head. "what you're saying is you can cast healing, but only on certain people, and you have to give up BLOOD to make it work? That sounds like some freaked up white magic there...".
"It's complicated," Peppermint glossed. "The fact remains, my blood is incompatible with yours, Fionna. But...".
"...butt?" Fionna asked, at least wary now of the draft behind her.
"...it would appear there is an aura similar to yours emanating from her." She pointed to Ice Queen.
"Oh, REALLY now?" The queen raised an eyebrow, then winked at Fionna. She responded with a gagging gesture.
"Alright then," said Ice Queen, stepping up to the tiny-by-comparison Peppermint. "You want me to bend over, or how do we do this blood thingy?"
"Oh, I'll definitely need you bend over," said Peppermint, holding up a pink syringe. "But only so I can reach your shoulder. You're quite a tall one, you know...".
The queen shrugged and did as instructed, bending at the waist in front of Fionna, who made a face Gumball later remembered describing as "horrified fascination; she seemed to be mostly afraid of the fact that she couldn't look away".
Peppermint drew a few ounces of the queen's purplish blood, poured it into a saucer produced from her apron, and hastily doodled a chalk circle on the floor. She began the incantation.
The room glowed and pulsed with blue lights, surrounding Fionna's body in tight, concentric circles. She could feel something crawling beneath her skin, extending past her limbs and into her senses, filling them all with a fresh, renewed energy. It pulsed through her once, twice, three times, then left as quickly as it had arrived.
Fionna felt herself slowly float back down to the ground, and the moment she regained full consciousness, she whipped her head around to see if everyone was still present. "I'm back, guys!" she added for good measure.
"Back? Where'd you go?" said Cake, brushing the long tuft of Fionna's hair into place. "That only took like three seconds, girl."
"Oh." Fionna looked down at herself and flexed her arms slowly. No pain.
"How do you feel?" Gumball asked.
Fionna put a hand to her chest and ran it down to her stomach. "Good...really good!" She struck a fighting pose.
"Yes, it seems the spell was a complete success," Peppermint added, packing up her saucer.
"So then, Fionna..." the queen prompted, watching her run the gamut of warm-up stretches. "When should we depart?"
"Whenever, I guess," she answered, stretching her arms back above her head. "The sooner we get this over with, the better."
"Shall I fetch your clothes?" asked Peppermint, chalk circle erased.
"Yes please," said Fionna with a nod as she bent to touch her toes.
"In that case, so begin the hunt," Ice Queen said coldly. She grinned and added, "And to reiterate, those are VERY nice buns you've got there, Fionna."
She received a hearty fist to the stomach for that comment.