The Daily Lives of Snake and Otacon"
By: Bad Ronald and Otaku Tess
Fiction used By: Pedro Tejeda
Hello and welcome again to tDLoSaO! Today we have a treat for you. We will be "MSTing" a fanfiction that Bad Ronald found. We asked the author for permission, and when he didn't respond we took that as a yes. Soooo, should "Pedro Tejeda" stumble upon this Tome, I wish to let him know that if he is upset with this, all he need to is tell us, and we will, with a heavy heart, delete it, and then report him to Konami for copyright infringement. But seriously folks, we're just trying to entertain. We don't want any trouble. If the author ever FINDS this, and is truly upset, we will have no choice but to find something else to make fun of.
Besides, I for one, liked the story ... it just set up a lot of Otacon bashing, so we picked it ... anything we say as Snake and Otacon doesn't necessarily reflect on our actual views.
Thank you.
SNAKE: *Is staring bug-eyed and gape-jawed at his laptop, clicking his computer mouse occasionally. He starts chuckling and commenting on whatever is on the screen.*:::Giggling::: Heh... heh heh... all right, keep going ... black panties?! Hell yeah!
OTACON: *Sitting on couch watching some "Evangelion" and eating a can of chocolate frosting* mmmm! ^_^ Frosting. The thinking man's dessert!
OTACON: *pauses* Snake-kun, what are you doing?
SNAKE: :::Looks away from laptop, smiling. His smile disappears when he sees Otacon:::
...!!!
:::Starts trying to cover the laptop, in vain:::
Nothing, nothing. Go back to watching cartoons...
OTACON: *Leans over his shoulder* *Good naturedly* Nani? ... *facefaults when he sees what Snake is reading, sweatdrop* ... ... .... *twitch*
SNAKE: Oh, come on, Otacon, it's just a story!
Granted, a story of me screwing the girl you love so much, but it's still just a-- !!!!!!
OTACON: *without missing a beat pulls a large anime mallet from "Mallet-Space" and beats Snake in the head with it, leaving a large, if not momentary bump* ... Baka Eechi, pervert!
SNAKE: The hell?! Ow! Dammit, that really hurts! Ow! :::Pauses for a second::: And where the hell did you get that?!
OTACON: *nudges him* Shhhhhh... *leaves it at that*
SNAKE: :::Groans and rubs head:::
...............
:::Turns back to laptop:::
OTACON: Stop reading that, Hentai!!
SNAKE: :::Stops reading and shuts down story, looking for other MGS fanfics:::
The hell do I read then?!
:::Keeps scrolling down, then stops, something catching his eye:::
OTACON: ... find something with me in it... ¬_¬ *folds arms*
SNAKE: Hey, Otacon, here's one about you...
OTACON: Really? *Adjusts glasses*
SNAKE: Yeah. "Otacon: International Man Of Mystery".
::Teasingly:::
Should we continue?
OTACON: *pauses* ... I dunno. Doesn't sound like me. But then "Prison Desires" doesn't sound like you. So I guess we can read it ... for a little bit. *Pulls up a rolly chair*
SNAKE: :::Thinks over that for a moment:::
Prison Desires was the name of the...?
...!
Hey! That sounds like a bad alcatraz porno flick! Ugh...
Ok, let's read.
:::Opens story and starts to read with Otacon*
SNAKE: *reading aloud* "Metal Gear Solid 1 1/2 Otacon, International Man of Mystery
Written by: Pedro Tejeda"
OTACON: *looks to Snake* Hmm.... Off to a good, if not somewhat inane, start...
OTACON: *Reads aloud* "Chapter One."
SNAKE: :::Sarcastically:::
A very, very good start! Written brilliantly with wit and valor!
OTACON: Pshh. Just read. *The two continue silently, and for some strange reason read at the exact same pace*
*Hawaiian music plays in the distance as Hal Emrich lies down stomach first on the white sands of a secluded beach. To his side is a curvaceous Kurdish female, wearing the smallest of swimwear. The sun slowly starts to decline over the horizon, the last rays of light shining along her back.
SNAKE: He spelled your name wrong, Otacon ... and, :::Sarcastically::: I really wonder who the "Kurdish female" is...
:::Rolls eyes::: This is obviously a dream...
OTACON: Hey he did! How hard is my last name? I mean even you can spell it. u_u *Big grin* *thinking* [Score one for the Otaku! YESS!]
SNAKE: :::Narrows eyes at Otacon's remark::: That was low.
OTACON: And I know it's a dream.... *quietly* ... I've had it before...
"It's getting late, Hal. Don't you think we should go inside?" Sniper whispers seductively into his ear.
"Just finish that massage you were going to give me " Hal replies " and we'll go back home. k ?"
SNAKE: Sniper?!
:::Guffaws heartily:::
Now I know this is a dream!
OTACON: What's with the tenses in this story!? "Hal replies." Not "Hal replied"... It doesn't make sense... o_O
SNAKE: I thought a genius like you would like it if a hot, beautiful woman was giving you a back rub. Instead, you play grammarian. Heh, geniuses...
{Score one for the mercenary!]
OTACON: ¬_¬ Hmph. *Continues reading, this time makes the mistake of doing it out loud* " "Sure."
She placed her hands on his shoulders and began rubbing the area around the small of his back. Sniper smiled "Oh, you are so strong, Hal and handsome too."
Hal turns around and places his arms around Sniper. He pulls her close to him, looks straight into her eyes and then.... *"
*Gets a nose bleed (which is, appropriately what would have happened if they were actually going to kiss)*
SNAKE: .......... "Strong and handsome" + Otacon = nonexistent...
No wonder you dream about this...
:::Notices Otacon's nose bleed:::
Oh, for the love of...
:::Tosses Otacon a handkerchief:::
OTACON: *takes handkerchief* *looks at it, fixes glasses* I thought you didn't need a handkerchief? I thought you didn't have any more tears to shed? o_O *Holds kerchief to his nose* ...
SNAKE: ......Shut up and read.
*ring*
*ring*
*ring*
"Shit:, who the hell could that be?" Hal exclaims as he wakes up on his couch. He reaches over to the phone and picks it up.
OTACON: Hey, I do not sleep on the couch. *looks at Snake* You do. ^_^
SNAKE: ........... You know, the day you cuss is the day hell freezes over ... and the couch is comfortable, dammit!
OTACON: Yeah, I think they got me mixed up with you.
SNAKE: I shudder to think...
OTACON: ....and I don't punctuate phrases with the word "hell" ... that's your forte.
SNAKE: The hell are you talking about?
"Hello…"
*click*
"Damn, I hate it when that happens."
SNAKE: :::Pauses:::
By the way, all those prank calls on your codec ... that was me.
OTACON: *twitch* ... So YOU'RE "I.P. Freely"!?! Damn you! My frigirator IS running, BAKA!! *Hits him again with the mallet then continues*
SNAKE: :::Rubs head where Otacon hit him:::
Oww...
.............
Hal, then hangs up the phone and turned on the lights. His eyes sting from the flash of light, and he winces from the pain. The time on the VCR said.12:30 but since he hadn't bother adjusting it since Daylight Savings Time, it was really 1:30.
OTACON: *Clenches fist for "hero shot" * Hey, the day I don't set the clock on my VCR is the day I stop being an engineer!
OTACON: And the day I use anything but a DVD player is the day I stop being an Otaku!
OTACON: And the day that DVD player is anything but a Sony Play Station II is the day I stop using fine quality products. Because Sony isn't just the leader of the gaming industry but is also responsible for bringing Music, Movies, TVs, GAMES, and thousands of quality electronics to consumers world wide. Yes, Sony. The future IS here.
*Both Snake and Otacon turn with a Big huge grin to the audience* $ P L U G $
SNAKE: *sweatdrop* And the day I lose my contract with Konami!
Playing on the T.V was Flash Gordon. Hal reaches over to the remote and turns the volume up as a Queen song played.
OTACON: *sings* We aaare the champions! Myyyy frieeeends.... We'll keeep on fiiiiighting 'til theee end--
SNAKE: ........
You watch Flash Gordon... and listen to Queen songs?
OTACON: Heck yeah! ^_^ *peace sign*
SNAKE: ......... :::Lowers head in shame:::
It was about 3 months after the incident on the Alaskan snowfields. He really only allowed himself to remember 2 moments from that day. The first.was the time he spent waiting on the snowfield for the black helicopters, watching Snake and Meryl speed off. Hal thought about yelling to them, turning to them and at least say bye. He decided against it, they're had separated themselves from their past life, something that Hal had been a small part of. He was just happy to have met them.
SNAKE: Only allowed to remember two incidents?!
Please look at the little red light...
OTACON: *sings again* Heere come the men in blaack.
SNAKE: ........Otacon, did you know your singing is great?... for a bomb evacuation, I mean...
OTACON: *Gives him a distasteful look at that last remark* Yeah.... sure, maybe then I was happy to have met you. Then you started eating my food and sleeping on my couch.
SNAKE: Hey, I needed a place to stay....
OTACON: *Reads the next passage out loud so he won't comment further* "The other moment was of Sniper lying in his arms as she slowly faded. He had just stop dreaming of it last week, but still could recall it perfectly in his mind. Her accented voice, the way she walked, it tortured him in his sleep The single thing that stayed in his mind was how cold she felt." -- *sniffle sniffle* .... ... *lip quivers* Its all so true... ...
SNAKE: Yes it is... Wolf was soooo hot....
:::Shoots a panicked glance at Otacon and gets ready to block a similar mallet from before:::
OTACON: *twitches angrily for a moment, but then Bursts into tears* WAAAAHHH!!!
SNAKE: Whoa! Otacon, I'm sorry!
:::Starts patting Otacon in the back::: Stop... stop crying...
:::Clothes start getting wet::: Stop crying!
:::Starts getting drenched in salt water::: Ugh! Dammit, stop crying!
OTACON: *Whimpers, wipes eyes* Sorry Snake.... *dries him with sleeve* O_o ^_^;;;;
Hal gets up from the couch, steps over a small canine sleeping on the floor, and walks into the kitchen. He opens the fridge and finds nothing, again. On the table is an open box of leftover pizza. He grabs two slices and dives onto the couch.
OTACON: I know that feeling. Except in reality ... you ate all the pizza too. *Folds arms* ¬_¬
SNAKE: ....Hey, what was I supposed to eat, your special Rice Krispies? I don't think so...
AND I ordered the pizza, not you ... although I did use your money...
SNAKE: Here... :::Gives back wallet, devoid of cash:::
OTACON: Stop doing that!! *twitch* I am going to die of heart disease... or an ulcer or... starvation or something.
*ruff*
His dog jumps on the couch.
"Oh you, hungry boy?" Hal rips off the crust and feed his dog pieces of it. He then begins chewing on the rubber pizza as Flash fights Ming the.Merciless.
SNAKE: Hey, you don't have a dog, you have a parrot... And a very annoying one too...
:::Casts a murderous glance at Otacon's parrot, who is squawking, "You suck!" every three minutes:::
OTACON: ¬_¬ *Gives him a look, but continues*
Once the helicopters picked Hal up, he was brought to an instillation off the coast of Washington. They first locked him in a cell for three days, his only contact with another human being was the guard who dropped off his food twice a day and a daily message from Campbell. He was then brought to a small room where two agents spent hours debriefing him---
OTACON: Ahh!... O_O
SNAKE: .............
OTACON: That's just perverted.
SNAKE: It isn't what you think, Otacon...
OTACON: Snake, is this a lemon? I refuse to read this!
SNAKE: :::Scratches head in disbelief::: Not even if it were about you and Sniper Wolf?
OTACON: .... Well, I--- Are you kidding?! I would die from blood loss!!
SNAKE: .....You're never gonna score with a girl, you know that?
SNAKE: You nosebleed at lemon fanfics, you nosebleed at porno mags... I shudder to think what would happen if a naked girl was walking towards you...
OTACON: ... Well, I-- There was Emma's mom-- and... I, ah ... you... *studders uncontrollably.*
SNAKE: Only because Emma's mom was lonely and desperate... *keeps reading*
OTACON: ... *Continues reading, remaining silent ... now seriously POed at that ill thought out remark*
-- going over the events of what occurred in Alaska, and the final fate of Snake and Meryl..Luckily Campbell had made sure to tell him to lie about Snake and Meryl to insure the safety of his niece. When they we're done, they simply told him not to say a word and that they would watch him until the day he died. The officer who told him this smiled throughout the whole conversation. Hal had counted to three and knocked the officer on the floor. Hal looked down to the fallen man and then replied "fine."
SNAKE: :::Struggling not to snicker:::: ....
:::Looks at Otacon::: ...!
:::Bursts out in raucous laugher::: HAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!!! YOU! KNOCKING A MAN DOWN! THE DAY THAT HAPPENS IS THE DAY I GET CASTRATED!!!
OTACON: *has a brief fantasy of Snake getting castrated* *snickers evily*
SNAKE: ........... Shut up...
OTACON: ... Hey, I didn't write it! I can't take anybody out. I'd be killed. o_O
SNAKE: I took a ton of people out and I'm not killed...
OTACON: *eerily* Inside you are, Snake. Inside you are.
He moved back home to New York City, with no job, not one dime in his pocket, and his collection of anime. It took him awhile, but he found an.assistant teaching job at a local college. His job was to mostly set up experiments and fill in for any of the teachers in case of sickness. It paid.enough to make sure he didn't run out of new movies to watch.
SNAKE: So you're a desk jockey now... good one...
OTACON: That's not a 'Desk-Jocky.' That's a T.A. that's even worse than being a Desk Jocky. People don't throw scraps of paper at a pencil pusher.... and call them dumb names.
SNAKE: .........Whatever.
Life had slow down for Hal so much, that he hadn't used his stealth suit once. Not even to check out his sexy neighbor next door, who had been slowly.replacing Sniper in his fantasies. It was lying on the bottom of his closet, collecting dust.
OTACON: O_O I am not a peeping tom! Ahhh! -- And further more, I don't know WHAT happened to my stealth suit. It disappeared around that time that our sexy neighbor next door started complaining of 'Ghosts' or something-- I wonder what that means.
SNAKE: Umm... Really? Wow... First time I ever heard of that... 9 . 9
Well, that's it for this Text File! Wait until we're done with the next one, or wet yourself trying!