By Chance

Cas...

===3==

"Hi, Castiel. Um, it's me again, Dean, I'm not sure if you're awake or if you even bothered to listen to all my other voice mails, but I really wish you would just pick up. I'm really sorry about last night. Please, forgive me. And, I'm sorry if this is kind of pushing it, I wish… damn! I hope you'd still go to Sammy's birthday tonight. Sammy's just expecting you, that's all. I'm not going to pick you up anymore. I'll just let Gabe take you if you want. So, yeah. Bye." That was the fourth call from Dean that Castiel ignored ever since he woke up and the sixth voice mail he's been listening to. Dean's voice sounded like he's about to reach breaking point. He sounded like a wreck and his voice falters badly. But, even though he sounded like that, hope is still present in it. He wanted to tell Dean not to get his hopes up but he just can't find the heart to call yet. He wasn't sure if he would like Dean to get hurt by being rejected again. He was just there, lying on his bed with his phone on his stomach, waiting for some courage to dawn upon him. But he felt caught in between two hard rocks, like whatever he does, he'll still end up hurting Dean; whether he keeps his distance from Dean or let him have his way and try and be friends.

Castiel let his eyes flutter shut as he sighed heavily. He just doesn't know what to do anymore. Things would be easier if he didn't feel responsible for Dean. He knew that if he hadn't given him that kiss in the car, Dean wouldn't be this frustrated. He also knew that he should've never agreed to the date the night before and to the lunch a few days back. Now he's here, frustrated, guilty and uncertain about his possible move.

Reluctantly, he slowly opened his eyes and grabbed his phone from his stomach. He started scrolling through the contacts and found Dean's number. He sighed heavily and hesitantly pressed the call button. He'll just have to go with Dean's way.

It took about two rings before Dean picked up. It seems like he's simply clutching his phone; waiting for Castiel to return his call or waiting for time to pass before he calls him again.

"Hello? Castiel?" Dean asked—voice hopeful and relieved at the same time.

"Yeah." He managed to choke out.

"Um, I wanna say I'm sorry again for last night because—"

"Dean. Please." Castiel cut him off immediately, staying away from that subject. He sighed heavily before continuing. "I'm still going to Sam's party. We can still do what was planned. Pick me up at six."

"You sure you're okay with that?" Dean asked reluctantly, voice still filled with hope.

"Yes, I am. You can just come in later if you want to."

"Okay. Thanks. And I'm really—"

"Dean! I told you already; don't."

"I know. I just." Dean paused and sighed lightly. "I just want to know if you're still mad at me."

Castiel remained silent and thoughtful for a while. He asked himself if he's mad at Dean or if he doesn't want to see the other man again. The more he thinks about it, the more he knows he's not mad. Shocked; a little. A little wrecked; yes. But mad? Hell no.

He sighed deeply before he answered. "Dean, I was never mad at you, okay? So please, drop the damn subject." He said through gritted teeth as he tried to control his temper.

"Okay." Dean said weekly, sounding like he's at the edge of breaking down. "I'll pick you up at six as planned." He whispered. Castiel started to feel some guilt but brushed it away. "Bye." He breathed out and hung up.

"Yeah. Bye." Castiel replied on his phone even though the line has been cut for a while now. He slowly brought his phone back on his stomach and shut his eyes; willing sleep to take over him even for just a while.

Cashel! Cashel! C'mere! C'mere!" four year old Michael exclaimed from across the playground, gesturing for Castiel to come over.

"What is it Michael?" a three and a half year old Castiel asked as he approached his friend.

"Look! Look! They're pretty like you and Balthazar and mommy and daddy!" Michael exclaimed excitedly as he bounced up and down, holding a bunch of 'pretty rocks' in his little hands.

"Oh yeah! Let's show 'em to Balthazar!" he replied enthusiastically as they ran to their friend who was playing on the swing a few feet away.

"Balthazar! Balthazar!" the two boys exclaimed at the same time.

"What is it Cassy and Mikey?" he asked when he stopped the swing when his friends reached him.

"Don't call me Cassy!" Castiel scowled as he stomped one foot, folded his arms across his chest and pouted; displeased with the girlish nickname his friend addresses him. "It's a girl's name and I ain't a girl. I'm a boy!" he said and deepened the scowl and pouted his lips more.

"But Cassy's cute just like you! Mikey isn't mad at me because I call him Mikey, right Mikey?" he asked the other boy, showing his puppy eyes involuntarily.

"Yeah. Cassy's cute Cashel." Pronouncing the younger boy's name incorrectly and realizing his mistake. He scowled with his realization and looked at Castiel straight in the eye. "Your name's too hard to say." Michael replied helplessly; the rocks in his hands forgotten already.

"Castiel ain't hard to say, is it?"

"It is." Balthazar replied. Castiel looked down on the ground and seemed to be having tears forming in his eyes.

"I know!" Michael exclaimed excitedly, dropping the rocks from his hands to the ground as an idea dawned upon him. "We'll call ya Cas!"

"Cas?" both Balthazar and Castiel asked at the same time.

"Yeah! It's easier to say." Michael replied with a big proud grin on his face.

"Okay. At least it isn't girly like Cassy. Bleh!" Castiel said with a grimace, poking his tongue out with a mock disgust. Balthazar's bottom lip trembled a little as if he's about to cry but suppressed it due to Michael's gleeful face.

"Okay then! You're Cas! I'm still Michael and you're still Balthazar!" he cried out and pointed to their friend. His grin faded slowly when he saw their mothers coming their way. He blinked a few times and his lips pouted slightly. "I think it's time to go home." He said, pointing at their approaching parents.

"But we're not done playing." Castiel said, widening his blue eyes a little and pouting his lips.

"I know. We'll just make 'em take us here again, right Balthazar?" Michael assured the younger boy with a big smile.

"Yeah Cas. I'll tell mommy to take me to see you and Mikey or I'll be a bad boy." Balthazar seconded Michael to assure their young friend, placing his fist on his chest.

Castiel's the youngest among the three of them. Michael's the oldest, followed by Balthazar who's a week younger and lastly Castiel who's about half a year younger than his two friends.

"Okay." He replied weakly, feeling a little gloomy for going home, away from his immediate best friends.

"Smile Cas! We'll always be here waiting for you." Michael said with a fond smile which made the younger boy blush a little and grin back widely; nodding his head up and down vigorously.

"Castiel." His mom called. "Come on baby, daddy, Lucifer and Gabriel are waiting for us at home." His mom said with a fond smile, making the boy run to her excitedly and waved goodbye to his friends.

"Mommy, call me Cas! Michael and Balthazar said they can't say my name right because it's hard." He said as his mom lifted him up to carry him in her arms. He wrapped his arms around her neck.

"Okay baby. But for now, let's go home and give you bath, okay?" she asked.

"Okay mommy." He replied and nuzzled her neck, sighing contentedly in the safety of his mother's arms.

"Cassy, wake up." He heard someone say as he was being gently shaken by his shoulders. "Cassy, Dean's already here. Have you even taken a bath?" the voice started to register first—Balthazar. The words slowly sank in and he shot right up.

"What? What time is it?" he asked, wide awake now.

"It's a quarter before six. Dean's waiting outside."

"Shit!" he exclaimed and jumped out of bed. He started rummaging through his clothes and found a clean pair of boxers and jeans. He was having a problem with a shirt though; those shirts were reserved for school. With a grunt, he gave up and started rummaging through Michael's clothes.

"Um, what are you doing?" Balthazar asked, realizing that those clothes belonged to Michael.

"Looking for clothes, you idiot." He muttered as a response and continued to look for a decent shirt. He found a dark grey v-neck shirt with sleeves that were cut a quarter from the wrists and a black leather vest that falls from the shoulder all the way down to the waist. He threw his clothes on his bed, grabbed his towel and ran out of his room to go to the bathroom. He paused upon spotting Dean in the living room looking at him with awe. "Sorry. Fell asleep. Shower. Then we're good." He said and started running again before Dean could respond. Dean just kept on staring at the place Castiel was standing a little while ago and shrugged.

Castiel took a shower quickly, dried himself up and wrapped the towel around his waist. He faced the bathroom mirror and ruffled his hair before going out. When he got out, Dean was the first person he saw who happened to be staring at him. He paused and studied Dean for a while, brows furrowing, head tilting to one side.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

Dean swallowed thickly at the sight in front of him. Castiel's a very fit man. He has beautiful abs and a well toned chest. His biceps are not as big as body builders but still exposed well toned muscles. His body is simply beautiful and Dean can't find his voice to say anything. His face was starting to turn red but he just can't look away. Luckily, Balthazar came out, already dressed for the night's event, and pushed Castiel to his room to get ready for they might run late. Castiel on the other hand got distracted and forgot the question he asked and let Balthazar push him to his room.

"He's beautiful, isn't he?" Balthazar asked with a smirk after Castiel locked his room to change.

"Uh…" was all Dean could mutter. His face turned into a darker shade of red and looked away. Balthazar simply chuckled at Dean's reaction and let him be. He'll be there to tease Dean anyway.

Castiel finished changing quickly and let his hair do whatever it wanted to do. Balthazar frowned at his friend for not fixing his own hair.

"C'mere Cassy." Balthazar commanded and Castiel followed with a grunt. Balthazar made quick work with the younger man's hair and took time to appreciate his work. "Okay, all done. Come on." He said and pulled Castiel by the arm. Castiel in turn rolled his eyes but let himself be pulled by his friend.

When they got out and locked the door, Castiel sat in the backseat, leaving Balthazar no choice but to sit shotgun. Balthazar shook his head at Castiel's actions but let it go. Dean on the other hand felt relieved but hurt at the same time. He felt relieved because he'll be able to actually focus on the road but hurt because Castiel is still reluctant about him.

Castiel remained quiet all throughout the ride while Balthazar and Dean started to get to know each other. Balthazar talked about school stuff while Dean talked about the shop he owns. It took them about half an hour to get to Sam's apartment.

When they entered, Sam welcomed them with a big smile.

"Hi. You must be Castiel." Sam said as he looked at Castiel.

"Yeah. And this is Balthazar, my best friend." Replied Castiel with a smile as he gestured to his friend.

"I know. Um, we were together for a while." Sam replied with a blush and rubbed the back of his neck. Castiel let his jaw drop and so did Dean.

"Seriously?" both Dean and Castiel asked exasperatedly, pitch going up a few notes. Balthazar snorted while Sam raised his brows, wearing a face that says 'are these two for real?'

"Yeah. But we knew we'd go downhill from there and became good friends." Balthazar explained in Sam's behalf. "Never thought you'd go for Gabriel though. You two never showed interest in each other." He said, the statement now directed at Sam.

"Yeah, well. I never thought it was possible as well. I mean, he's now a doctor and I'm still finishing up medicine. I never thought he'd actually look at me." He replied with a blush.

"Wait. Why is it that you never mentioned Balthazar to me?" Dean asked his little—or younger because Sam isn't really little anymore—brother. "And you didn't even react when you saw him in the bar." Statement now directed at Balthazar. "You did see him, right?"

"Yep." Balthazar said simply.

"Yeah. You never mentioned Sam to me as well Balthazar." Castiel interjected.

"Hey. In my defense, Sam never mentioned his brother's name is Dean so we're all at lost here." Balthazar defended teasingly.

Castiel sighed and shook his head. He just can't believe his best friend's keeping secrets from him.

Dean had the same reaction, wondering why his brother kept something from him. He's even wondering what other stuff Sam kept from him.

Just then, Gabriel came and gave Sam a quick peck on the cheek which in turn made Sam blush and smile sheepishly. Gabriel studied the group and grinned widely, spotting his baby brother.

"Hey Cassy-boy." Gabriel teased which made Castiel grunted and rolled his eyes. He is really starting to hate that nickname all over again. How can it be so hard to say Castiel? It was bad enough that Balthazar still calls him Cassy now Gabriel did too on rare occasions.

"Gabe, when are you going to stop teasing me with that nickname? Balthazar's bad enough and now you're in it too?" Castiel scowled at his brother. Gabriel simply snorted. He loves making Castiel mad. At least Castiel feels something other than loneliness.

"So, you here with Dean?" Gabriel asked. Dean paled a little, hoping Castiel wouldn't think of something else at the implication; hoping that Castiel wouldn't think that Dean told Gabriel about their kiss during their date and in the car after for Gabriel to imply that.

"Explain the phrase 'here with', Gabriel." Castiel replied.

"You know, as in, are you together, together?"

"In that case, no." he replied firmly, ending the discussion.

Castiel stayed by Balthazar's side while Dean kept his distance but followed them with his eyes. He saw Castiel with different women there. It made his stomach flip and his guts twist tightly. Castiel wears a sweet smile that made the women he talks to blush and giggle and squirm. He knew those women were flirting with him and he was flirting as well. His breathing was starting to get a little heavier and he looked like he was about to have a hard attack. But, as he promised Castiel, he wouldn't show him the jealousy he felt. He did his best to distract himself with other guests.

What is unknown to Dean is that Castiel was watching him as well. He glanced at Dean every now and then and watched him from the corner of his eyes, studying how the other man was reacting to his little flirting show.

"You should go to him, you know?" Balthazar whispered to his ear.

"What?" he asked, being truly confused to what his friend was trying to say.

"Go to Dean. He kept on looking at you and you kept on glancing at him." he said with a smirk which was accompanied by a wink.

"Am not." He hissed through gritted teeth.

"Just go Cassy. He looks terrible and you know it."

Castiel simply sighed and did go to Dean; whether it was doing as what he was asked to do or he just wanted Dean's company tonight. He thought perhaps it was the latter. He simply doesn't do as what he was asked unless it was a direct order.

Dean was with Gabriel and Sam, talking about work. Dean looked for Castiel once more and was ecstatic to see the man himself approaching; he gave the advancing man a fond smile. Castiel returned the smile and got to where Dean, Sam and Gabriel were.

"Cas." Dean said out of the blue with a smile.

Castiel's face slowly changed; and so did Gabriel's. "What?" he whispered weakly.

"Um," Dean started as he tried to recall what he has said out of the blue. "Cas?"

Castiel's face started to get worse, eyes down on the ground and wide with shock and another emotion that's a mixture of everything else. Slowly, his body started to shake a little. His eyes were starting to glisten as the tears started to form.

"Cas?" Dean asked and slowly reached his hand out; concern filling his voice and eyes. Castiel moved back to dodge Dean's hand. The tears started to rush down his face and sobbed silently. His chest was rising and falling heavily, as if he couldn't breathe at all. Dozens of memories ran through his mind, making him ache for the first time after five years of acting numb and burying everything he held inside.

Balthazar, who was watching them from afar, saw Castiel's stiff position, Gabriel's terrified eyes, Dean's pained and concerned expression and Sam's curious gaze. He quickly went to them to find out what was wrong.

As he got there, he caught Gabriel's eyes and asked the man the silent question through his eyes. Gabriel glanced back at Castiel who was still crying silently, and wet his lips before looking back at Balthazar. The terror in his eyes grew more intense as he mouthed 'Cas'.

Balthazar's eyes widened in realization. No one has ever called him Cas since the accident and that nickname is a very, very sensitive subject.

"Um, Cassy, let's go out for a while for some air, okay?" he said, placing his hands on Castiel's shoulders gently. Castiel flinched a little but relaxed to the ever so familiar touch and nodded out of instinct. Balthazar escorted him out, looking back at Gabriel with a knowing look.

"Well, let's give them a few minutes and I'll take my brother home for the night." He said nervously with a barely even there smile.

"What's wrong Gabe? Why did he cry?" Sam asked, concern filling his usually calm expression.

Gabriel sighed slowly and glanced down on the floor and pursed his lips before looking back at them. "No one has ever called him Cas after the accident."

"You mean?" Dean asked, knowing what Gabriel was talking about. Gabriel nodded as a response. "Why?"

"Because it's... a very sensitive thing for him."

"What do you mean?" this time, Sam asked.

Gabriel bit his bottom lip, thinking how to explain it to them. "Michael was the one who gave him Cas as a nickname."

"Okay?" Sam asked, hoping for a more elaborate explanation.

"It happened like this. After the accident and he actually got home, Michael's already buried and all, Castiel doesn't eat anything at all; for days. Yeah, occasionally, he drinks some water when we give him but that's it. He doesn't even sleep or try to get out of bed. He just sits there, knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around him and he just keeps on staring straight ahead. At first I thought I should let him be for a while until he pulls his acts together. We never talked to him thinking he just needed the space and figure things out on his own." Gabriel started explaining and placed his fists on his hips as he bit his lips.

"But then," he continued, "that act of his went from bad to worse after a week; he locked himself in. I ran out of patience and just barged in, scolding him. The moment I said Cas, his whole expression went rigid, as if he has no control of himself anymore. When I said his name again, when I said Cas for a second time, he started crying. And at that very moment, I wanted to give up as well and just cry." He said weakly as he remembered how terrible his brother looked that time. "You have no idea how broken he was. I've never seen him cry that way before. He even suppressed his tears on Michael's burial." Gabriel's voice is now barely a whisper; eyes starting to glisten as the tears started to form.

Gabriel didn't exactly want to continue for his chest was starting to clench tightly. But the look on Dean's face made him want to continue. He took a calming breath before he continued. "We—Balthazar and I—forcefully took him to a shrink. Since he was too weak from crying, having no sleep or food, it was easy to take him there. After a few sessions, the doctor got him to open up a little. A few more sessions later, he was getting a little better and the doctor found out that the nickname's that big bomb that made him break, because it was Michael that gave that nickname to him. He finished the sessions and became a lot better. He started eating again, tried to form conversations, tried sleeping again and finished school from where he left. He became a professor and became really good at it. But I knew, even Balthazar knew that all of it was just an act. Balthazar and I never said anything but we did stop calling him Cas. It's like he's another person living in that body. He's Cas, but not exactly." Gabriel finished with a sad smile.

Dean stared at Gabriel and couldn't believe that he had hurt Castiel. "So I," he started weakly, "I made him break?" Dean choked out. Breathing was a little harder. It seemed to him that everything he did to get to Cas just pushed him away.

Gabriel nodded gently, apologetically and avoided Dean's gaze.

"I can't believe I just pushed him further away." He whispered, eyes glued on the ground.

"You didn't know." Gabriel said softly. He sighed to calm himself and did his best to bring back his composure. "Well, I think it's time for us to go home. Thanks Sammy, Dean." He nodded at the brothers and turned to meet his brother and Balthazar.

Dean just stared at the floor, tears starting to form in his eyes. He just couldn't believe that he has hurt the guy he likes without even wanting to. He just hopes he could still have the courage to talk to him again.

Um, yeah. I know what I said in the previous chapter. But our preliminary examinations were moved to the 30th of January so that will be the time that I'll be totally, totally delayed. And, yeah, okay. I'll shut up now.