Apologies if you don't like long chapters, because the next several are booger bears. If you don't mind sitting in one spot for a while, grab a snack and the beverage of your choice and pull up a chair. You're gonna be here for some time.
Mama Zarana
11. Pre-Wedding Jitters
The Pit buzzed with activity in the days leading up to the wedding (which, due to lack of space anywhere else, was being held nearby). Psyche-Out, to the dismay of some of his teammates, revealed that he was a certified minister. Whether he did this just for the wedding or had the certification for some years prior was a source of constant debate.
The day before the biggest excuse for a party in recent memory, overnight guests began arriving, including the representatives from the West Coast Misfits.
It should be noted that, for sake of her personal privacy, Zarana's codename was mentioned nowhere in the invitations sent to the Southside and West Coast teams: Zoe (which turned out to be her real first name) was the only name listed. However, while the Southside Misfits had Shadowatch to pester for information, the West Coast crew didn't have anyone nearby and didn't think to call their East Coast counterparts.
"I still think this is an anti-Cobra plot." Pyro commented. He, Althea, Lance, and General Haw were waiting for Siryn, Wildstar, and General Whithalf to teleport in. Whithalf was dressed in his usual uniform, but the two West Coasters with him were not wearing their costumes. Instead, they were clad in civilian clothes. Theresa opted for a green t-shirt with khaki slacks. Ace was wearing his regular metalhead gear: an AC/DC t-shirt with a blue leather jacket, blue jeans, biker gloves, and studded wristbands. Hawk sighed, a tone of stress and annoyance in his voice.
"For the last time, there is no anti-Cobra plot!" He groaned as their guests arrived in a flash of light.
Unfortunately, all Whithalf heard was 'anti-Cobra Plot'. "This is a plot? Brilliant!" He proudly patted Hawk's shoulder. "Hawk, my boy, your strategic skills are amazing!"
Lance groaned. "Oh, for the love of God, don't encourage him!"
"See? I'm not crazy!" Pyro exclaimed excitedly, pointing at Whithalf. "This proves it!"
Hawk sighed, sensing a long afternoon ahead of him. "General, you misheard me. There is no plot. Please don't indulge Pyro's wild fantasies."
"...Oh." Was all the stunned elder general managed to say. "Well now, that's a shame. I can see possibilities here."
"You mean it's not a plot?" St. John blinked, scratching his head. "Now I'm really confused."
"You're not the only one." Siryn put in. "What are you guys talking about? Some new conspiracy theory? And why are we discussing it the day before such an important wedding?" Wildstar nodded in agreement.
"Yeah. I mean, we got the invitation you guys mailed out, but it didn't tell us much." Ace held up the invitation. "Just that the bride's name was Zoe."
"Is Zoe one of those one-named pop stars?" Theresa asked. Ace rolled his eyes.
"God, I hope not." The feral mutant grumbled as Althea pulled the two West Coast Misfits closer to her.
"Actually, guys, it's kinda like this." She sighed, trying to figure out how to explain the situation. "You see, Zoe...is Zarana."
"Zarana?!" Theresa gasped.
"Damn. There goes the neighborhood." Ace chuckled, shaking his head.
"She and Mainframe have been secretly seeing each other for years." Althea nodded. "And it just so happens he got her pregnant."
Theresa's jaw dropped. "Saints above!"
"Oh, man, this is hilarious!" Ace openly laughed at the revelation. "I bet Hawk and Zartan had simultaneous coronaries."
"Well, I don't know about that, but they both tried to kill Mainframe…and each other…" Althea sighed.
"I dunnae believe it…" The Irish teen shook her head, still trying to process the news.
"Man, I can see why you didn't want all of us coming over here for this." Ace admitted. "It's gonna be one wild weekend."
"Oh, it gets wilder." Lance smirked, joining in on the conversation. "Any of you guys watch that reality show 'Growing Up Biker'?"
"Watch it? Dude, I love that show!" Ace's eyes lit up with excitement. "Those bikes are so cool! And the girls on there, man…" A soft chuckle escaped his lips. "They're just as much works of art as the bikes." His Irish teammate smiled slightly.
"Typical Ace." Theresa teased.
"Well, it turns out that all the adults on that show are actually Dreadnoks." Lance explained, turning to Althea for extra clarification.
"The teenagers there are also under contract with the Dreadnoks. Their squad name is Shadowatch. And just so you know, don't make the girls mad."
"Especially the blonde ones. They cause the most damage." Lance's warning made Theresa's jaw drop.
"Dreadnoks?! Are ye serious?!"
"Yeah, and they're here too. Although Zandar and Heart-Wrencher are probably making out somewhere." Lance shrugged.
"Dammit, you two! Get out of that closet!" Zartan was heard shouting somewhere nearby.
"The blondes do tend to." Ace smirked, jerking his thumb at his Irish compatriot. "Theresa here once broke every window in the West Coast Misfit Manor with her screams."
"That was nae me fault!" Theresa protested. "Thunderbird dropped a barbell on me foot!"
"Oh, yeah. That would be the other reason for not inviting everyone." Althea remembered. "One of the Shadowatch guys also goes by Thunderbird. But his name is Neal, so I don't think we can confuse him for anyone else.
"Oh, get over it already!" Zandar shouted back at his brother.
"I guess breaking windows is better than what Andi tried to do to Pietro." Lance admitted. "I think she wanted to break every bone in his body."
"Neal's really cool." Paul remarked as he walked up. "I've never met anyone from Bangladesh before."
"Yeah, they're a regular United Nations, that bunch." Lance remarked. "You got Bangladesh, America, Canada, Italy, England..."
"Awsome! I can't wait to meet 'em!" Ace cheered.
"I do not need another pregnant Dreadnok around here!" Zartan roared.
"Let me guess." Theresa frowned at Lance's earlier remark about Pietro. "His hands got busy, right?"
"No, his mouth got him in trouble this time." Lance clarified. "Started talking trash about her brother without knowing it was her brother and…yeah."
"No surprise there." Terry rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, the surprise was who her brother turned out to be." Althea admitted. Ace grinned.
"Man, this wedding is gonna be a blast! It's gonna be good! And here I was thinking weddings were so boring."
"No joke! I wonder how big of a cat fight we're gonna see at the bouquet toss?" Lance wondered out loud.
"Please tell me someone has cameras!" Ace pleaded. "Please tell me someone's got cameras set up! I want every moment documented!"
"Of course we got cameras. We got one. The Southsiders are bringing one. Shadowatch has like four of 'em. There'll be lots of videos floating around the day after, I guarantee it."
"Sweet! I'm gonna need a copy to take back and show the guys. Especially of the bouquet and garter tosses…"
"And don't forget the animals standing in for the flower-girl and ring bearer!" Paul chimed in, causing Theresa to give him an incredulous stare.
"One of the members of Shadowatch has a pet dog and a pig." Althea explained. "The pig's supposed to be super-smart or something."
"Al, it figured out how to fly an Apache attack chopper." Lance gave his team leader a look. "I think it's safe to call the pig a genius."
"Dear God!" Theresa gasped as Ace started laughing again.
"You East Coasters meet the most interesting people!"
"When was this?" Althea demanded, not recalling this particular animal incident. "I hadn't heard about that!"
"Yesterday, I think." Her brunet teammate shrugged. "You were busy trying to keep Polly from attacking the cat."
It was at that point that one of the Shadowatch crew noticed the extra people on base. "Hey! New people!" Bryan called out.
"Yeah." Lance nodded as most of Shadowatch made their way over to get a better look at the West Coast Misfits. "This is Siryn and Wildstar from our West Coast branch. And that's General Whithalf. He's their CO." He jerked his thumb at the general, who was having a conversation with Hawk.
"Cool." Bryan nodded as Theresa stared uncertainly at the herd of mutants now invading their conversation. Ace just grinned widely and waved.
"How ya doin'?"
"Uh…hi." She glanced around at the group, not sure if they were completely trustworthy.
"That's a neat accent." Bryan tilted his head at her. "New Yorker?"
"Nah, she's from Ireland." Ace corrected him. Unlike Siryn, he seemed completely at ease with the newcomers.
"Wow! I've never met an actual Irish person before!" The Texan mutant grinned in excitement.
"Aren't some of the Dreadnoks Irish?" Neal scratched his head in confusion.
"I don't think so." Mitch shook his head. "Monkeywrench is Welsh. Buzzer is English."
"Uncle Gnawgahyde is Australian." Steve added. Mitch nodded.
"Yeah, so are Ripper and Torch. And Thrasher is Belgian, believe it or not. And Burn-Out, Road Pig, and Heart-Wrencher are American."
"No one is sure about Zartan, Zandar, and Zarana." Bryan shrugged.
"Zandar is Irish when he drinks too much of the whiskey!" Andi called from somewhere nearby. She was apparently looking for something and wasn't completely ready to join in the conversation.
Meanwhile, Whithalf and Hawk were engaged in a rather animated conversation about recent events. The elder general was commenting on something the lower-ranking Joe general had said when he felt something step on his foot. "What?" His face scrunched in confusion as he looked down at his shoes.
There, standing on his toes, was a brown potbelly pig wearing a straw hat, sunglasses, and a pink bandana. "Oink!"
"Well, hello, little guy." Whitehalf leaned down to talk to the animal. "New Joe, Hawk?"
"No." Hawk sighed. "That one's with Shadowatch."
It was at that point that Andi came over and scooped her pet up in her arms. "Her name's Brownie." Brownie oinked in agreement.
"I never thought I'd see a GI Joe and a Cobra actually being civil." Theresa commented, watching the exchange.
"It wasn't civil when everyone first found out." Lance pointed out. "The adults had an epic brawl on the front lawn; we got footage of it."
"Cool." Ace nodded in approval. "We'll need a copy of it."
It was then that Virus shuffled by the group, holding his head in his hands and thoroughly unconcerned with what was going on. "What the bloody 'ell is going on? I'm losing long tracks of time." He grumbled, shuffling away.
"Lemme guess," Ace looked over at Andi, "he was out for the whole thing?"
"Can he do tricks?" Whithalf asked, looking eagerly at the little pet pig.
"She pilots HISS tanks, pickup trucks, and Apache combat helicopters. And she can balance a rubber ball on her nose!" Andi grinned with pride.
"Oink! Oink!" Brownie nodded.
"She also finds books." Kristen added.
"I bet we're gonna see a repeat of the brawl tomorrow." Theresa sighed.
"They get a genius pig and I'm stuck with Shipwreck's psychotic feather-duster…" Hawk grumbled.
"Really now? She seems like a very special pig…" Whitehalf stared curiously at the pet.
"Of course I knocked him out for the whole thing!" Andi answered Ace. "Can't have the maniac running around loose everywhere we go…"
"Man, you guys gotta watch the part where Ren chased Ripper around for throwing her into a truck!" Bryan exclaimed excitedly.
"Which one's Ren?"Ace asked, looking around. "I don't think I've seen that one before?"
"Especially since I can imagine his obsession with killing Toad and all…you know, he once brought down a space station?" Siryn grumbled, the memory of that mission clearly still fresh in her mind.
"That's her." Mitch pointed to Ren as she walked into the garage with Zandar. "That's Heart-Wrencher."
"Wow." Ace admired the female Dreadnok from a distance. "She's a hottie."
"Yeah, we knew about it. The boss wanted to drag a couple of us along for the ride, but no one wanted to be stuck on a shuttle flight with Virus and Destro." Andi recalled.
"She's also taken, dude." Bryan pointed out to Ace, who whistled appreciatively.
"Whoever he is, he's a lucky man…"
As Andi left the generals to join in the conversation with kids her own age, Lady Jaye walked by and overheard the pet discussion. Noticing that one pet had been left out, she decided to bring it up. "They also have a cat." She informed General Whithalf, much to Hawk's chagrin.
"Thank God that we managed to get out of the station before it went down," Theresa sighed, rubbing her aching temple. "He wanted to have it crash into the Pit, but didn't have time to program it."
"That doesn't surprise me." Andi snorted, setting Brownie back on the ground. "Virus is a psycho. He probably wanted to crash it down on Toad."
"How can ye have a madman like that on yuir team?" Siryn accused the taller blond mutant. Andi growled in response.
"He is not on my team! That maniac is not part of Shadowatch. He's only lumped in with us because he's our age!"
"We've had to drag her and Zandar out of the closets a bunch of times." Mitch sighed, causing Ace to stare.
"Zandar?!"
"Yup." Bryan nodded.
"Oh!" Whithalf perked up as an idea struck him. "A petting zoo! What a novel idea…"
"What do ye mean, he isn't one of yours? He hangs out with the lot o' yah." Theresa demanded, dismissing the slight goosebumps she felt when the other girl first started growling in response. The scaly girl had the intimidating growl nearly down to an art form.
"I mean we didn't recruit him." Andi hissed as Althea prepared to step in and break up the fight. Terry might be better off dropping this issue… "He signed on as a Dreadnok, not a part of this squad! We only get stuck with him because he's close to the same age as the rest of us!"
"Seriously?" Ace blinked. "Zandar? Guy with the bright pink hair? Mr. Why-Doesn't-Anybody-Notice-Me himself?"
"That's the one." Bryan nodded.
"Oh no…General, I don't think we'll be allowed to have petting zoos." Hawk spoke up, trying to talk Whithalf out of his latest hare-brained idea. It was then that he heard a meow from below him. "Huh?" He looked down to see a tiny Siamese kitten staring up at him with big blue eyes.
"Mew." The cat blinked, staring at him curiously.
"Wow. I guess the strangest couplings can happen in this business." Ace admitted.
Terry winced, both from the cold tone of the other girl's voice and from the new thought that occurred to her. "Virus has no access to a space station here, right? I don't want him ta try ta bring one down on our heads."
"Meow! Mrow mew mrew mow!" The kitten chattered up at the generals.
"Hello to you too, Miss Kitty-cat." Whithalf smiled as Hawk groaned.
Andi gave the Irish mutant one of her patented 'how stupid are you?' glares. "You think I'm just going to let that little psycho run around unsupervised? Hell no! We're sticking him with Trinity tonight! Those three maniacs quite liked the idea of torturing him, and I highly doubt he can escape all three of them. And if by some miracle he does, Toad and Wavedancer, as well as Steve and myself, will deal with him personally."
"Heh heh heh..." Steve chuckled to himself, cracking his knuckles. A part of him hoped Virus would try something, so Steve could deliver some restaurant-quality pain to the mad English mutant.
"Compared to Zarana hooking up with one of your guys, Ren and Zandar going at it in the storage closet ain't that hard to believe." Bryan shrugged.
"Ah! Tiffany! There you are!" Regan exclaimed, rushing over and picking up her cat. "Bad kitty! You're not supposed to go outside!"
"Mew!" Tiffany happily snuggled next to her owner. "Meow met mrow!"
"How many pets do these guys have?" Hawk groaned as Regan left to put her cat back in Mainframe and Zarana's apartment.
"I want a purple horse." John, who had been rather quiet through the rest of the conversation, spoke up.
"Pyro, I've told you a thousand times, there are no purple horses." Hawk glared at the former Acolyte.
"But I saw one in that field!" The blond teen protested.
"Pyro, you were hallucinating because of the medication. There was nothing in the field; you just imagined it." Hawk groaned.
"You allowed this?" Theresa looked at Althea in confusion.
"Hell yeah!" Althea smirked.
"I'll admit, a part of me is hoping the little fool would try somethin', yo." Todd smirked, twirling his staff. "I just got my staff fixed, and I wanna break it in on Virus's skull."
"Save some for me, Froggy." Steve grinned. "I wanna see if I can make an accordion out of his spine."
"You know, I can believe that." Ace told the two younger Dukes boys.
"Not counting Kristen's creepy-crawly collection, three." Corona answered Hawk's earlier question. "Unless you want to count Thrasher as a giant, ill-behaved dog, then it's four."
"But why?" Pyro whined. "They get all kinds of pets and all we get's Toothy and Polly!"
"Those are your handler's pets." Andi pointed out. "These animals belong to us. Right, Brownie?" She looked down at her beloved pig, who happily squealed her answer.
"Aren't you the least bit worried about him giving them ideas for new inventions?" Terry asked as Trinity flew by in the background, carrying a screaming Virus back to their lab.
"Better than letting her teach them how to brainwash someone." Althea jerked her thumb in the direction Regan left in. "You should see the footage of what she made Pietro do during the brawl two weeks ago."
"Creepy-crawly collection?" Craig asked nervously. Insects and arachnids hardly frightened the former gang member, but the idea of the dhampiric Eventide owning lots of creepy-crawlies downright scared him for some odd reason. "You mean Tyler has company?"
"Thrasher certainly has his share of fleas." Andi snorted.
"Your damn mutt gave them to me!" Thrasher shouted as he stalked out of the garage.
"YOU LIE!" She roared back at the Thunder Machine driver.
Ace shrugged at Althea's comment. "I'll take a gander at the footage. It's bound to be funny."
"And besides, I'm not worried." Althea told her West Coast counterpart.
"AHHHHHH! HELP ME! GET ME OUTTA HERE!" Virus screamed as he was dragged back into Trinity's laboratory/bedroom.
"They're not allowed outside of Kristen's room." Neal assured the panicked bassist. "Last time one of them escaped, the Terror Dome got put on red alert."
"MY DOG DOES NOT HAVE FLEAS!" Andi shouted.
"THEN HOW DID I GET INFESTED WITH THEM?" Thrasher countered.
Bryan pulled out one of the team's many video cameras and hit play. "Here it is." He said, showing it to Ace.
"See? Nothing to worry about." Althea smiled to Terry, who looked at her with a mix of apprehension and concern.
"WHO KNOWS, YOU HUMAN PILE OF FILTH!"
"Oh, man, lookit him!" Ace laughed at the video. "He looks like he's gonna burst a blood vessel!"
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK, BLONDIE!"
"You should've heard the rampage Hawk went on when Mainframe first told him." Paul informed his cousin. "It was scary."
"MAKE ME, JACKASS!"
"Yeah, he tried to throw Mainframe out the window." Craig nodded as Regan returned to the group.
"I think one of you guys ought to get the camera out again." She told her teammates, pointing at the current fight. "She's about to try and shove Thrasher's head up his butt again."
"Is that physically possible?" Lance blinked.
"You'd be surprised…" Regan sighed.
"I kinda feel sorry for Mainframe." Terry admitted, watching the video footage with her teammate. "He's about to get trounced."
"He didn't get hurt all that bad." Bryan smiled at her. "Zarana teleported herself into the middle of the fight and starting hitting folks over the head with a baseball bat before anyone roughed him up too bad."
Hawk groaned loudly. "How has my life come to this?"
"Deal with it, Joe!" Zartan shouted from somewhere off-camera.
"Uh…" Terry looked around nervously. "Quick question: where are we sleeping?"
"No problem, Terry. I got a cot made up for you in my room." Althea waved.
"And I got one for you, Cousin Ace." Paul smiled. Ace grinned.
"Awesome!"
"I do want ta warn ye, I get a bit…moody until I have me coffee." The Irish mutant admitted sheepishly.
"Moody?" Ace blinked. "You tossed Sunfire into the freezer one day. And last week, you sent Kyle flying with one of your screams." A blushing Theresa drooped her head in embarrassment.
"HA!" Andi shouted triumphantly as Thrasher tripped over a toolbox lying on the ground.
"Agh, my nose!" Thrasher yelped.
"I wonder what food will be served at the wedding?" Fred pondered, rubbing his chin.
"Siryn, you still haven't got Kris beat." Regan rolled her eyes. "Remember the last time she forgot her 'juice' for a day, gang?"
"Oh, gawd…" Bryan paled.
"Don't remind us." Mitch groaned.
"As usual, Fred, your mind is only on the menu." Andi shook her head. "Which probably won't be much of anything, considering how nauseous Zarana's been lately."
"...Juice?" A puzzled Theresa repeated.
"Blood, yo. Kris is a dhampir." Todd happily explained, oblivious to the shocked looks on everyone else's faces.
"A what?!" Theresa squeaked.
"Dhampir. Half human, half vampire." Paul supplied.
"...I did it again, didn't I?" Todd gulped.
"Ya think?" Craig shot him a look.
"V-v-vampire?" Theresa gasped, shrinking away from the shorter girl.
"Wow. We meet the strangest people…" Ace blinked.
"I'm serious, though!" Fred protested. "What kind of cake are they gonna have?"
"Todd doesn't mean to blurt stuff out like that." Paul sighed, looking at Shadowatch. "Sometimes his mouth just runs faster than his brain."
"Terry, you shouldn't be so surprised." Ace told his teammate. "We encountered pumpkin monsters once."
"And she's a dhampir." Paul corrected Theresa. "She's still half-human."
"Pumpkin monsters?" Kris asked.
"Oh yeah." Ace chuckled. "That was a helluva fun Halloween."
"I'm more worried about who will bake it." Pietro told Fred. "Because Roadblock's food is edible, and BA's kitchen is a DMZ."
"At least BA's cooking doesn't usually come to life and try to eat people." Lance sighed. "Unlike Kitty's recipes…"
"I can make soup." Corona told him, a hopeful look on her face.
"Roadblock's food is more than edible; it's gourmet!" Todd grinned emphatically.
"He's right." Fred nodded.
"The perks of having a gourmet-trained chef." Pietro licked his lips.
"I do love his pumpkin pie." Wanda smiled.
"Well, if you want something grilled or smoked, Gnawgahyde's your man, but beyond that he's hopeless in the kitchen. Torch and Monkeywrench either burn it or blow it to smithereens." Andi began listing off their handlers' cooking skills…or lack thereof. "Zandar, Zartan, and Burnout can cook, but usually don't fix anything elaborate unless they're trying to impress somebody. Zarana's not gonna cook her own cake, but Ren's a decent baker."
"I wonder if you can make a cake out of doughnuts?" Fred rubbed his chin in thought. "'Cause if you can, I bet one of the cakes will be a doughnut cake."
"Uh, that's nice, Corona…" Lance smiled nervously at his fan-girl.
"Heart-Wrencher does make good pastries." Kris agreed with a nod.
"Her doughnut cakes are awesome!" Mitch chimed in.
"Not really." Corona shrugged. "My way of making soup is pouring it out of a can and microwaving it."
"So…Roadblock and Heart-Wrencher are making the cakes?" Todd scratched his head. Andi shrugged.
"Beats me, but they're our most likely candidates."
"Well, it's better than Kitty's idea of making soup…she can't even do that right!" Fred informed both Lance and Corona.
"How can you mess it up?" The energy-wielding mutant blinked. "Open can, pour into microwave-safe bowl, heat for two minutes and presto! Soup!"
"Hope so. Roadblock is an awesome cook." Todd licked his own lips in delight.
"And Ren does make some yummy cakes." Bryan nodded.
"Kitty likes to get…creative." Fred said as Lance winced.
"Oh, God, the pains are back." The geokinetic groaned, rubbing his stomach.
"She likes to season it." Fred stated. Corona's jaw dropped.
"You're not supposed to season canned soup!" The Latina girl shrieked. "It's already done!"
"A Dreadnok? Baking something edible?" Pietro scoffed. "I'll believe it when I see it!"
Andi raised an eyebrow at Fred, folding her arms across her chest. "Creative? Is that what you call it? From what I heard, Pryde's cooking is more of a menace to society than Cobra!"
"I'm not arguing that, Corona." Lance sighed. "She almost killed a couple of home economics teachers with her muffins."
"See? I may not make anything more complicated than nachos and sandwiches, but I can fix something fit for human consumption!" The Hispanic teen exclaimed.
"She's right." Calvin remarked.
"She once made spaghetti and meatballs, and it tried to eat the other X-Men." Angelica shuddered.
"The Toxo-Vipers blog about her cooking." Regan frowned. "I think that's a big flashing neon sign that says she should stop."
"Pietro has scars from when her Jell-O tried to do certain unmentionable things to him." Todd nodded sagely.
"Dammit, Toad!" A blushing Pietro hissed, glaring at the amphibian teenager.
"Living Jell-O?" Bryan winced.
"…out of curiosity, which of the other X-Men did it try to eat?" Andi asked as innocently as she could manage.
It wasn't quite innocently enough. "CREED!" Zartan shouted to her from somewhere close enough to overhear, but still out of sight.
"What? What did I say?" She shouted back at him.
"She made more living dinner dishes?" Siryn's eyes grew large.
"Yeah, Toothy may be getting some company soon…" Jake sighed.
"It didn't try to eat Rogue, if that's what you're thinking." Todd shot a wary glance over at Shadowatch's squad leader.
"You didn't hear the horror story that was the X-Men's visit to those West Coast Avengers?" Ace asked the other teenagers.
"I heard about it." Lance chuckled. "Those poor bastards."
"Oh, God! We don't need another Toothy around here!" Pietro wailed. "I get mauled enough as it is!"
"Darn." Andi snapped her fingers, much to Theresa's dismay.
"Why don't you like Rogue?"
"If we wanted to see food that wanted to eat us, we'd just go visit Mindbender's lab… Oh, wait, he got rid of all that stuff, didn't he?" Kristen asked her teammates.
"Uh, duh!" Regan quipped. "Serpentor wasn't very happy when his Caesar salad tried to eat him."
"I kinda wish they had let it eat him…he's a jerk." Andi grumbled.
"In our defense, Toothy was a complete and total accident." Lance held his hands up in a 'no harm' gesture. "The other stuff is all on her, though."
"Toothy?" Corona blinked as Andi responded to Terry's older question.
"She's a jerk. Do I need another reason?"
"I've never got that impression of her." The Irish girl blinked, rubbing the back of her head.
"Especially since that one blob tried to seduce the Baroness." Mitch shuddered at the memory of that failed lab experiment. "Destro was not happy."
"Neither was the Baroness." Neal pointed out.
Wanda held up a peculiar muffin-like creature in her hands. "This is Toothy."
"Rowr!" Toothy growled happily.
"Madre de Dios, what is that?" Corona made a disgusted face. "It looks like a product of a velociraptor and a muffin!"
"It was one of Kitty's muffins." Lance sighed. "Until Craig blasted it with his eye-laser." Craig sighed and rubbed his temple as he found himself recalling that day.
"According to Airtight, the energized molecules of the laser combined with the muffin's molecules to form a new kind of DNA." Jake explained. "Essentially, the laser brought the muffin to life."
"And it tries to eat me." Pietro moped.
"Rowr!" Toothy growled, jumping off of Wanda's hands and onto Pietro. The fleet-footed mutant squealed.
"AH DEAR GOD HELP ME!"
"That still doesn't explain anything." Theresa frowned. "Just because she's a jerk is no reason to wish that a muffin creature would eat her."
"Terry, trust me when I say that there's more going on in that mess than first meets the eye." Althea sighed. Even after having Regan explain everything, her brain hurt when she tried to think about it.
"You'd need to take notes and draw diagrams to keep up with it." Todd groaned.
"Actually, I think Toothy just wants to play…" Kristen cocked her head to the side, pale turquoise eyes observing the muffin-creature nip at a screaming Pietro.
"That was Airtight's theory, too." Jake nodded. "Toothy isn't aggressive or vicious. He acts like a big playful puppy, really."
"See? This is why you shouldn't be chasing after her, Lance!" Corona pleaded with him. "Her cooking comes to life and mauls people, and she keeps stringing you and tin-man along like marionettes!"
"She's got a point, yo." Todd shrugged as Lance sighed.
"Let's just say Rogue has become a bit too full of herself and leave it at that." Andi barely managed not to growl at the other mutant. It wasn't Siryn who was being a self-absorbed bitch, she reminded herself.
"Tell us about it." Todd nodded in agreement.
"YEAH RIGHT!" Pietro screamed at Kristen and Jake.
"You're not helping, Todd." Lance groaned.
"Hey, uh...when's the party gettin' started?" Ace asked, trying to steer the conversation to safer ground.
"As soon as…!" Andi paused, turning her head in the direction of a very loud crashing sound. "The hell?"
Clutch shot out of the garage like a bat out of hell. "AAAAAAGH!" The driver screamed.
"COME BACK HERE AND TAKE YOUR BEATING LIKE A MAN, YOU JERK!" Heart-Wrencher screeched, chasing behind him and swinging her wrench.
"Clutch is a dumbass." Althea grumbled, doing a facepalm.
"He did it again, didn't he?" Paul sighed.
"Yup." Fred nodded.
"Did what?" Pyro blinked.
"Knowing him, it involved his hand, her butt, and his idea of charm." Lance grumbled.
"Oh…" John blinked, then held up a Transformer action figure. "I got a Transformer!"
"Where do you keep finding those?" Bryan asked the insane Australian.
"I collect 'em!" John grinned, holding out the black, silver, and purple toy. "This one's called Octane! He's a Decepticon, and he turns into a tanker truck and jet airliner. He's a greedy bastard. Likes making his teammates beg for fuel."
"...Did you make that up?" Bryan wondered in slight worry.
"No, it's his official description."
"But…you've never even met the X-Men!" Terry was still hung up on the previous conversation topic. "Have you?"
"You mean they haven't guessed yet?" Regan raised a questioning eyebrow.
"Regan, none of us knew until Pyro blurted it out during the big brawl a few weeks ago." Althea reminded the blonde telepath. "Them not knowing is a pretty safe bet."
"SOMEONE HELP ME!" Pietro begged as Toothy happily chomped on his pant leg.
"Forget him! Help me first!" Clutch shouted, still trying to evade Ren's wrench. On the second pass by the garage, Zandar joined in the chase brandishing a shotgun.
"GET BACK HERE SO I CAN SHOOT YOU!"
"Wow." Ace blinked in amazement. "That's the most I think I've ever heard him say."
"Why not?" Todd shrugged to Lance. "I'm helping you find someone who adores you as much as Al does me!"
"Andi met us back in the old Brotherhood days." Fred explained to Theresa. "That's how she knew Rogue."
"AIE!" Pietro screamed as Toothy took a bite out of his thigh.
"Dammit, Zandar! I already got Zartan ready to go crazy and rampage!" Burnout shouted at the pink-haired man pursuing the Joe tank driver.
"Uh…okay…" Terry blinked.
"Hmm. You look kinda familiar…" Ace studied Andi's face for a moment, but then shook his head and decided he was imagining things. "Anyway, when does the party start?"
"Ah, Burnout, let him go." Corona waved at the burly Dreadnok mechanic. "Not like the idiot Joe didn't deserve it. He did grab Ren's butt, after all."
"Oink!" Brownie squeaked her agreement.
"Party should be starting real soon, Ace." Paul told him.
"Whoo-hoo!" The feral teen threw his fists into the air joyfully.
"Ah, you got a point." Burnout sighed. "I'd rather not be on the business end of that wrench of hers anyway."
"AIE! IT WAS A COMPLIMENT!" Clutch wailed an apology.
"I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR DAMNED HAND OFF!" Ren shouted.
"I can't wait! This party's gonna be epic!" Ace cheered, rubbing his hands in anticipation.
"Yeah, as in epic fail." Andi rolled her eyes.
"No one in their right mind wants to be on the business end of that wrench." Corona scoffed. "Even that lady-ninja was having second thoughts about trying to attack her during the brawl."
"YOU CAN TAKE HIS HAND AFTER I TAKE OFF HIS HEAD!" Zandar shouted.
"AAAIIIIEEE!"
"Aw, you worry too much, fishy! I'm sure this'll be awesome!" Wildstar grinned.
"Hey, Theresa, right?" She asked the West Coast leader. The sonic screamer nodded. "How long has this guy been with you guys?"
"He's one of the original members." Theresa answered.
"I don't blame her." Lance shook his head as Ren and Zandar continued to chase Clutch around.
"Are we gonna play at the wedding?" John asked. "Cuz me drumsticks are itchin' to play."
"Why won't someone help me?!" Clutch pleaded.
"And he still hasn't learned that Misfit parties end in disaster?" Andi snorted. "I'm not even a Misfit and I know that!"
"What can I say? He's an optimistic party animal." Terry shrugged.
"What the hell did I do in a past life to deserve this kind of torment?" General Hawk moaned as he watched the chase scene.
"No, John, I don't think we'll get to play at the wedding." Craig answered the insane Australian.
"Awww..." The pyrokinetic pouted.
"I'm a little busy over here, pal!" Pietro shouted to Clutch. "Ow!"
"BECAUSE YOU EARNED IT, JERK!" Ren roared.
"We get our fair share of craziness too, fishy." Ace smirked. "Albeit the craziness tends to happen around us…"
"I don't know, but I'm sure enjoying it!" Zartan gloated to the leader of the East Coast Joes.
"Get Toothy off me! He's trying to eat me!"
"DIE!" Heart-Wrencher screamed, successfully nailing Clutch in the back with her trademark big wrench.
"OW! WRENCHES HURT!"
"GOOD!"
"See, with my family's track record, crazy usually happens to us, not around us." Andi sighed.
"Dreadnoks aren't much different in that respect." Kristen pointed out.
"Oh, laugh it up!" Hawk growled. "I can have all of you arrested after tomorrow!"
"Not without Zarana coming after you with that baseball bat, you can't." Althea rolled her eyes.
"Good thing we decided to stay out of it." Craig muttered. "I'd hate to be on the business end of that bat."
"Does anyone find it funny that we are saner than the adults in this situation?" Lila noted.
"I like pork chops!" John shouted.
"Except him."
"I don't know if we're saner or not…we just didn't think it was worth jumping in the middle of that mess without getting hazard pay." Regan shrugged.
"I still wouldn't have jumped in the middle of it, even with hazard pay." Andi stated as a car pulled through the front gates.
"Hey, looks like Mainframe's kids finally made it here." Lance observed.
"They are never gonna get our names straight." Bryan shook his head.
"Mainframe has other kids?" John blinked.
"He was married before, John." Wanda told him. "You know Paul Parker, Cyclops's friend?" Pyro scrunched his face.
"Cyclops has friends?" The Australian mutant asked dubiously. "Is he one of those Facebook friend thingies?"
"No, they're real friends." Craig groaned at Pyro's latest exhibition of insanity. "That Paul is Mainframe's kid."
"Oh…" the pyromaniac blinked "…is Zarana going to be our aunt?"
"You're such a nutter sometimes, Allerdyce." Lila laughed.
"I knew about Paul, but…" Paul Starr looked at Althea. "I didn't know he had other kids."
"In his file, it says he has an older son and a younger daughter. Never personally met any of them, though." She admitted.
"And the fun just keeps coming…" Craig groaned. "But it's just that Paul kid and his sister coming here, right?"
"Yeah." Regan nodded. "The older boy—his name is Peter—turned down the invitation and then called to tell his dad to go to hell."
"But we've all had the urge to tell our dads to do that…right?" Andi asked uncertainly. She didn't really know what a "normal" parent-child relationship looked like.
"Well, it's probably a good thing he didn't come." Regan admitted as a broad smirk plastered itself on Lance's face. "I'd hate to see what Zandar or Zartan would do to him for dissing their sister."
"Actually, this was more about the messy divorce Mainframe went through with his first wife, but that still doesn't give this Peter brat permission to tell his father to go to hell." Althea shook her head. Lance then realized something.
"Peter, Paul…let me guess! The daughter's name is Mary, right?" The geokinetic mutant grinned.
"I don't get it." Corona frowned. "What's so funny about it?"
"Peter, Paul and Mary. They were a singing group way back in the day." Lance explained.
"Oh, like you wouldn't believe, Atlantis." Wanda smiled happily.
"I actually did tell my adopted dad that once." Craig nodded.
"I think they're gonna be good friends over there." John nodded, watching Ren and Zandar beat Clutch to a bloody pulp.
"Is he okay?" Neal asked, jerking his thumb at Pyro.
"Oh my God, he talks!" Lila blurted out, pointing at the Bangladeshi teen. Craig turned to explain to the plasma wielder.
"John has problems…lots of problems."
"How very unimaginative…" Corona shook her head.
"Yeah, but I bet you weren't screaming it at him in the middle of an argument in public like she was." Regan informed Wanda and Craig.
"That wasn't an argument." Steve frowned, a dark expression in his eyes. "That was an exercise in how to be turned into a human scratching post. If you don't believe me, we got the pictures to prove it."
"Stop being so dramatic." Andi huffed. "It was just a couple of little scratches. Nothing serious."
"Over thirty stitches, a fractured forearm, and three broken ribs do not constitute 'a few little scratches' or 'nothing serious'!" Kristen glared at her best friend while Todd raised an eyebrow at Lila.
"How did you not know he talked? He don't say much, but he does talk."
"I speak very good English at that!" Neal added, before being distracted. "Oh look, Mainframe is going to talk to his children…"
"And Ren and Zandar are bonding over beating Clutch to a pulp." Craig observed.
"They were a 1960s folk-singing trio, Corona." Lance chuckled. "They were probably too baked to come up with a better name."
"Some say the Superstars is a silly name for a band." The brunette girl grinned teasingly.
"First, blame Paul for that one." Lance grinned. "I thought it was a dumb name as well, but it ended up growing on me. Second, it turned out to fit us. Superstars are what we are."
"I did beat my old man with my nightstick." Craig spoke up, only to have everyone stare at him. "What?! He was a punch-happy bastard!"
"He was pretty quiet during the whole thing." Lila tried to defend her outburst.
"Oh, they are going to need a lot of bleach…" Paul winced as Clutch continued to get pummeled by a loudly-screaming Heart-Wrencher and Zandar.
"I taste blood!" Clutch moaned weakly.
"Well, there's a lot of it!" Zandar growled.
"Still…very unimaginative names for your children." Corona sighed. "I bet their mother thought it was adorable, though."
"No, dude, you misunderstand us here." Steve shook his head. How the hell was he going to make these punks understand just how serious that fight had been? "SHE was the one being used as the scratching post."
"She was banned from workin' in the shop for about a month." Bryan nodded. "Zartan and Burnout didn't want to take any chances of her re-breaking her arm or ripping her stitches out again."
"I could've taken him eventually!" Andi protested.
"Waddya expect?" Mitch looked at Lila. "Zandar's his handler. Man hardly says anything unless it's scripted or he's answering the phone."
"Blood! Yay!" Kristen cheered happily.
"Probably." Lance shrugged at Corona's comment.
"I'm more worried somebody will get killed at this wedding." Neal sighed.
"I think somebody will die beforehand, Sharra." Craig continued to watch the beating.
"I'm sure you will one day, Andi." Steve reassured her. She sighed at Kristen's antics.
"Down, bat-breath."
"Saints preserve us all…" Theresa facepalmed as Regan started to grin widely.
"Someone may die, but I don't think it's gonna be Clutch today." She pointed to a figure approaching the Clutch beat-down session. "Those two just interrupted 'Rana's nap."
"Would she really do that to her own brother?" Wanda asked, earning a disbelieving glare from Althea.
"And just how many times have you tried to drown Pietro in the swimming pool? Or crack his skull open by hexing him into a wall? You two fight like cats and dogs."
"She's got a point." Ace nodded.
"Aww…" Kristen pouted.
"I can do it, dammit!" Andi growled. "I just need to figure a way around the damn healing factor! That's what gave me so much damn trouble last time!"
"WHAT?!" Zandar blinked, looking up at his twin sister's approach. Zarana looked incredibly angry, and had a baseball bat in her right hand.
"Uh oh…" Ren winced, a look of fear on her face.
"YOU WOKE ME UP!" Zarana shouted at the two lovebirds. "I'LL BAT YOU GOOD!"
"Touche." Wanda nodded.
"Wow, look at her go." Neal observed.
"Oh thank you God…" Clutch moaned as his attackers left, fleeing from an irate Zarana and her baseball bat. However, the chase managed to make its way back to him, and someone accidentall stepped on his groin. "AHHHH! MAH BOYS!"
"Whoa, she's got a good arm…" Ace stared in shock.
"Five bucks says Lifeline comes out here to break up this in five minutes or less." Lance wagered.
"You're on!" Mitch grinned, pulling out his wallet.
Theresa blinked in confusion. "Why would Lifeline want to…?"
"The first day she was here, during the big brawl, she came entirely too close to requiring an IV for anyone's comfort." Regan explained. "He's been watching her like a hawk ever since."
"Sure he won't be more worried about Clutch this time, yo?" Todd asked.
"The pain…" Clutch wheezed, his body now in the fetal position.
"WE'RE SORRY! WE'RE SORRY! OW!" Zandar tried to apologize to his sister.
"ZARANA, CALM DOWN! YOU'LL MAKE THE MEDIC GO NUTS! AIEEEE!" Ren tried to dodge a swing of the baseball bat. She wasn't used to being on this end of the chase.
"This wedding is gonna be a blast!" Ace grinned. "I just know it!"
"WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING? OW!" Zandar yelled at Zartan.
"Don't drag me into this!" His brother shot back. "You two did this all by yourselves!"
It was then that Zanya walked out and noticed the chase scene. "Do I even want to know what that is about?" She asked the other teenagers.
"Let's just say Clutch seriously needs to stop being a misogynistic idiot." Lila answered. Zanya nodded.
"Oh. So it's kinda like the time that brown-nosing Acolyte…what was his name again? Cordona?"
"Cortez." Regan supplied.
"Cortez tried to cop a feel of her?" Zanya jerked her thumb at Andi. Pyro cackled when he remembered that day.
"Oh yeah, she beat him up real good. It was epic."
"Yes. Exactly like that." Regan nodded. "Only Ren and Zandar's shouting woke up 'Rana."
"Did Cortez ever get out of the hospital?" Neal asked.
"I hope not, but I'm not the one to ask." Andi snorted. "Haven't heard much out of that crew lately. Actually, I haven't heard much out of my dad lately, but I'm not going to complain about that…"
"ZARANA! GET BACK HERE!" Lifeline shouted, coming upon the scene.
"Considering the damage you two cause when you get together, that's a blessing." Regan stated.
"CALL HER OFF! CALL HER OFF!" Zandar begged.
"Do they hate each other that much?" Theresa blinked. "And who is this guy, anyway? He must be pretty tough to do the kind of damage ye guys mentioned earlier."
"Oh look, Mainframe's been enlisted to calm her down." Kristen observed the Joe computer expert race towards the chase.
"Zarana! Come back! You've punished them enough as it is!"
"Tough is an understatement." Neal sighed. "And he is very scary."
Lance frowned, taking a moment to study Andi's face. "She got Sabretooth's chin."
"And his dimples!" John added happily.
"Zandar, quick! Hide behind the techie!" Ren cried out. Both of them then attempted to hide behind Mainframe.
"I can see you two clowns!" Zarana panted, the running having tired her out more than it would have several weeks ago.
"Sabretooth?!" Theresa stared in shock.
"Whoa! That dude has kids?" Ace shivered. "Scary…"
"Sweetie, you need to calm down before Lifeline has a conniption fit." Mainframe told his fiancé in an attempt to calm her down. "This isn't worth getting wound up over."
"How do you think I feel." Andi grumbled.
"Something tells me I don't want to know how Sabretooth fathered ye, girl." Terry shook her head.
"They ruined my nap!" Zarana protested, causing Mainframe to sigh.
"Why did you two wake her up?"
"We didn't mean to!" Zandar protested. "We were too busy beating up the Joe over there!"
"Owie…" Clutch rolled on the ground in pain.
"He goosed me!" Ren shouted.
"Clutch." Mainframe grumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Big surprise."
"There are some days I don't wanna know either, but unfortunately that's no longer an option…" Andi groaned.
"She may have his chin, but she's definitely got Mystique's mouth." Wanda pointed out.
"I don't care what he did!" The pink-haired woman hissed, hitting Clutch in the gut with the heel of her sneaker. "You two shouldn't have been wailing like banshees!"
"Ooooohhh…"
"We already said we were sorry!"
"Just let it go, 'Rana. Just let it go…"Mainframe sighed.
"Mystique?!" Terry did a double take. Okay, so that explained the blue skin, but good Lord…
"I think we're gonna need a scorecard." Ace whistled.
"But they ruined my nap!" Zarana argued. "I was having a nice dream of a world with no idiots!"
"Do you think she means us?" John asked as Toothy abandoned his playtime with Pietro in favor of hunting down Airtight for a treat.
"You, definitely." The speedster quipped, rubbing his legs in pain. "Ow…"
"But…but how? Why?" Siryn gaped.
"You might wanna think through those questions before asking 'em, 'cause the answers ain't pretty." Andi grumbled.
"No, I think she definitely means you, Snowflake." Regan glared at Pietro.
"You can go to bed early tonight, if that helps, but you at least need to put down the baseball bat…" Mainframe coaxed.
"Fishy's right, Terry." Ace consoled his teammate. "Just let the sleeping dog lie on this one."
"I think that may be a good idea." The Irish teen sighed.
"Smart move."
"HA!" Pyro pointed at Pietro. "PWNED!"
"I get no respect." The speedster sulked.
"Can't I hit them just one more time? Please?" Zarana asked.
"I thought he was part cat, not dog…" Fred scratched his head in confusion as Andi gave him a blank stare.
"Pietro, if you don't stop running your mouth, you're gonna get turned into a human punching bag again like you did two weeks ago." Lance told his long-time teammate.
"He looked like a mummy with all those bandages on." Wanda smiled.
"You've hit them more than enough already!" Blaine sighed in exasperation. "Now, drop the baseball bat and walk with me. My kids just got here."
"It's a phrase, bro." Mitch looked at his oldest brother. "It means to leave something alone that should be left alone."
"Oh." Fred nodded in understanding.
"Like Zarana during her nap, as Zandar and Ren now know." Bryan nodded.
"Do I have to?" The pink-haired woman sighed.
"Yes. You already said you wanted to say hello when they got here." The computer specialist reminded her.
"…Fine." She reluctantly handed him the baseball bat.
"Thank you, God!" Zandar breathed in relief, removing his headband and wringing some sweat out of it.
"Still don't mean it can't be another animal than a dog." Fred pointed out.
"Is Zarana always this…excitable?" Terry blinked.
"Not unless someone's about to shred the curtains or blow up the good dishes." Regan shook her head.
"Wake me up again and you're dead!" Zarana glared at her twin as Mainframe tossed the baseball bat some distance off to the side. Lifeline wouldn't touch it after he'd seen it used as a melee weapon.
"Come on, let's go say hello to your soon-to-be step-children." He said, putting an arm around her shoulders.
"Owie." Clutch whimpered as Zandar and Ren took a breather to recover from their big scare.
"I wonder how Zarana and the step-kids will get along?" Ace wondered.
"If it goes anything like their chat last week, it should be fine." The Italian telepath shrugged. "Although if you would pipe down, we could all hear better…"
"I'm guessing she wore a wig at the last meeting." Wanda observed. "The bright pink hair has left the little girl speechless."
"She's actually not all that little." Althea tilted her head to the side. "Probably only a couple of years younger than us."
"I think Paul's on the verge of laughing." Ace pointed out.
"Manframe must've told him about that brawl a couple weeks ago." Craig deduced.
"Medic..." Clutch weakly cried out, trying to get up.
"That or he thinks his dad is joking…" Neal suggested, but was met with a negative shake of the head from Regan.
"Nope. Mainframe already told his kids about her and introduced her. He must be laughing about the brawl."
"How do you know all this stuff?" John blinked.
"A) Hello? Telepath." Regan tapped her right temple with a perfectly-manicured pink fingernail. "And B) I just spent the last two weeks living with them. Not a whole lot else to talk about over dinner."
"What on earth possessed you to get those two mad at you?" Lifeline asked, walking over to examine Clutch. "You knew she was spoken for!" He pointed over at Ren.
"Was the dinner good?" John blinked.
"That's a Fred question, man." Lance looked at the crazy pyrokinetic.
"It was a compliment." The injured Joe whimpered.
"What?" John blinked in confusion.
"Never mind." Lance sighed.
"The hell it was!" Heart-Wrencher shouted at the driver and mechanic now lying on the ground. Lifeline sighed.
"I'm fairly sure it's only a compliment when she happens to be your woman and not someone else's." Zandar walked over, grabbed Clutch, forced him to his feet, and put the Joe's face real close to his.
"Touch her like that again, and I will end you." Zandar glared at Clutch, who gulped in response.
"And I will film it and play it as a warning to all your little friends." Ren grinned.
"I think you've been working with the kids for too long." Her boyfriend blinked.
"Hey, they got some good ideas sometimes." His dark-haired lover shrugged with a pleased smile, much to Clutch's surprise.
"I can't even feel sorry for you this time because you thoroughly earned this beating." Lifeline lamented.
"Maybe so, but some of our ideas are more fun…" The pink-haired male Dreadnok grinned, shoving the Joe back down to the ground.
"Oh really?" She smiled, wrapping her arms around his waist. "And what did you have in mind?" She asked as he led her away from Clutch and the kids.
"One lucky man, my friends." Ace whistled. "One lucky man."
"And that's Dreadnok romance for ya." Calvin stated.
"Ya gotta love it." John grinned. This was great inspiration for one of his books!