The summer holidays started like spring half term, Alex caught a cold which progressed scarily fast into a chest infection. Alex sat in casualty and waiting to be transferred onto the high dependency ward, he was hooked up to a drip and was on oxygen again. His temperature had sky rocketed the night before and Alex started vomiting when he had coughed so hard. Jon sat his adopted son, when his phone went off. The way Jon jumped up and exited meant only one thing, it was the bank. Who knew programmers were so important. Jon came in and kissed the top of Alex's head. I have to go in, there's been a cyber attack on our defences, a big one. Tony is on his way. Try to get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow some time.

Alex hated hospitals. The junior doctor was annoying, he had half stripped Alex and was touching him. Alex wanted to head butt him, when the doctor had finished his examination Alex signed to Tony Can I go home now?

Soon. signed Tony as bored as Alex.

Alex waited for the consultant to make his rounds. Mr McIntyre listen to Alex's chest.

"OK sport, You're on the mend, temperature is down, 99.4 is a lot better than 103. Your lungs are congested but the antibiotics will sort that out. You blood oxygen level is rising. You can go home, but complete bed rest. You have oxygen at home?"

To which Tony nodded.

"Your GP can take it from here. No swimming or strenuous exercise for at least two weeks. Your heart and lungs need rest to recover."

Tony then asked "Can we go on holiday?"

"Where are you going?" asked the consultant.

"Marbella in two weeks." Tony had borrowed a friends villa. He was worrying if they needed to take oxygen with them.

"Lovely. There should not be a problem." My office will update his notes and you can collect a copy from the your practice to take them with you to Spain, just in case.

Year 11 meant GCSE's and all that. Alex was academically on line to take four languages, Maths and ICT in January. The new school year began as a nightmare. Over the summer Tom had started dating Becka, so Alex was now the third wheel. Alex just spent breaks studying. There was a new transfer student , Dom Parker, thought it was funny to pick on Alex. Alex could not give a shit about the cripple and your so fucking useless comments. So what. Alex smiled coldly and stated ha fucking ha.

Alex watched Becka and Tom walk through school oblivious to everyone except themselves. So this was love, becoming a mindless zombie. Alex felt the sneer on his face. The term in English started with Romeo and Juliet and Shakespeare's sonnets, why could they not be studying Macbeth. The first paper was on true love. Bloody fairy tales. Alex had no illusions that either Ian or Yassen had felt anything for Alex beyond the brief release of pleasure from the physical act. Alex's feelings for Yassen bordered on obsession but not love. The man was coldly and terrifyingly fascinating. Their relationship based on the knife edge of staying alive. Alex had caught the attention of a grade A serial killer, Alex could not fathom Yassen's reasons for keeping him alive. His paper describing the difference between family love and obligations and all consuming obsessive love had got him an A* and was held up as a excellent example of understanding of the material. Alex knew a thing or two about obsession and family feuds.

The comments from dick face Parker continued. Alex had swum for two weeks during his games lessons before sitting out touch rugby in the hall. Oh how Parker crowed about the cripple sitting the lesson out, right in Alex's face. Alex stood up looking Parker straight in the eye, How about Boxing today" and quick as a flash punched Parker, flooring the arrogant bastard. Most of the class actually cheered. Mitchell spoke up "So nobody told you Parker that Psycho has a black belt in karate. I've seen him break blocks of wood in half."

Alex sat waiting for Tony or Jon. After an hour and a half Alex was handed a letter and sent home. One week internal exclusion, as most of the class had outed Parker a a bullying piece of shite. Alex would be spending a week studying on his own.

Alex arrived home to find both cars were in the yard, great both Tony and Jon were home. Alex had well and truly blotted his copy book. He stood in the gateway weighing up his options. Fuck he'd been in trouble with the police, run off chasing bad guys during a dentist appointment with Jack and burned the science block and not been phased. Alex was terrified Jon and Tony's reaction to his bit of major rule breaking.

He had turned around and in half an hour and two buses he stood outside his old house on Cheyne Walk, with its a different coloured front door and different curtains. Not his home, not any more. Alex sat and watched as strangers entering, lights going on, TV flickering in the half light. Alex had forgotten his phone and all his change had been spent on the bus fares to Chelsea. He started to walk home but stopped on Vauxhall Bridge and looked towards Westminster and the City. Alex sat on the wall, legs dangling over the edge, black water of the Thames below. Alex was cold, his stumps hurt, but he did not want to go home and face the music.

PC Radjit Singh saw the blond haired teenage boy sitting dangerously on the edge of the bridge. Hell, was the kid a potential suicide? This was the first time his negotiation training was being called upon.

Alex was broken from his thoughts by a copper asking him if he was alright.

"No not really."

"Have you run away?" asked the concerned PC.

Had he? "No. I just needed space to think." Liar. To right you ran away. No such a perfect boy now.

"Its 1am, son. Been thinking long?"

"Nine hours or so."

"Come on, lets get you warmed up."

Alex got a ride in a police car, it was like old times. Putney Police Station had not changed since Alex's visits the previous year. Alex was sat down and the first thing he did was take off his legs and prayed he did not have to walk anywhere else. The incident officer came in and did a double take.

"Sorry, my legs are really sore. I was stupid and walked for a couple of miles."

"OK. Lets get started. Name?" The policeman concentrated on typing in details.

"Alex...Alexander John Fletcher-Smith."

"Date of Birth?"

"13th February 1987."

"And address?"

"155 Christchurch Road, Lambeth."

"Parents?"

"Tony Fletcher and Jonathan Smith."

"Ahh. Here we go. You were listed as missing at 18:30 tonight." The incident officer then rang Alex's home. Alex then rolled up his trousers. His leg socks were smeared with blood. The officer was on the phone again. The first aid kit had been sent for.

Jon and Tony had been sick with worry. Alex had left his phone at home. He'd not gone to Tom's or Becka's houses. They had no idea where he had disappeared to. Jon was driving around Lambeth looking for Alex as Tony waited at home by the phone.

Jon had got the message from Tony and stormed into the Police station fully prepared to scream blue murder at Alex for disappearing. All anger bled away as he was shown into the office with the young police woman bandaging Alex's stumps. "Do you need to go to hospital?" were the first words out of Jon's mouth.

The WPC answered "No, I don't think so. There are some nasty blisters, which have burst. All have been cleaned and dressed." The WPC smiled wish Alex a good night as she left. Then, Alex then pulled the blood stained socks back on and reached for his legs. Sorry did not quite cover the amount of shit Alex was in and then he coughed.

"You stupid boy. Its only seven weeks since you were last in hospital with a chest infection." Jon had removed his jacket and placed it on Alex's shoulders. "Jesus, you must have caught your death of cold. Lets get you home and in bed."

Jon then asked "What have you been up to? Vandalism? Criminal damage? Joy Riding?"

Alex was tired and scared "Walking and thinking. I need to talk to Rick about stuff."

"Stuff like getting excluded from school for attacking a class mate."

"No, stuff like I'm not coping with everything and I've been suppressing my feelings making me have angry outbursts." Alex had thought everything through in clinical terms. "I've been so afraid of disappointing you and then I go do two impulsive things in one day."

"Oh." was the only thing Jon said to that "Lets get home then Al. Lets go home."

Back at the house, Alex was hugged by Tony and then told he was grounded. No TV no DVD's, no computer games for the week he was excluded. Tony then helped Alex to bed, tucking his duvet up to his chin and singing a lullaby like Alex was a small child. Alex slept and dreamt of Alexei Sarov doing the same thing on Cuba a lifetime ago.

Alex had two extra sessions with Rick that week. His first was an was an hour and a half marathon the next day after his first day of exclusion.

"My relationship with Yassen was very intimate"

"In what way Alex?"

"Even before I had sex with Yassen. He was my confessor. I told him everything. Layers of secrets stripped away" Alex then thought about those dark days "Yassen has beautiful hands, long elegant fingers, so strong. He pressed into my flesh on my pressure points. The pain was so immense. Two sessions I wanted Yassen to blow my fucking brains out."

Alex shuddered at the memory, sipping on water " It was like Yassen weighed every word I said, every scream I made, every expression on my face. I loved the intense way he studied me. In a way I was his and his alone. He owned me completely." Alex looked at Rick who was watching Alex "I remember telling him about Ian. It was the only time he lost composure. I thought my number was up. I think that was when our relationship changed. He asked me if I had enjoyed sucking Ian off. It is just one of the worst things that has happened to me. I told him I was never aroused by Ian, the opposite in fact, revulsion. Yassen studied me. I then offered myself to him. I think I'd already guessed that I had been measured up."

"Measured up as what?"

"Potential lover. He kissed me and I got so hard. He wanked me. I still dream of him touching me. Its one of the few times I feel sexual excitement. I don't like to masturbate. I think I could not stand Parker in my personal space because it belongs to Yassen. Do you think I'll ever let anyone else touch me, excite me, make me cum?"

"Alex sexual attraction is a thing that progresses with puberty. Most boys do not need a relationship or much incentive to get hard. Do you experience erections?"

"I get them to go away by thinking about getting burned, electrocuted or waterboarded. I fucking hated when I was tortured that way."

"Are you not tempted to pleasure yourself?"

"I don't deserve pleasure. I'm a sick little fuck. If the remembrance of pain is not enough to go soft I actually hurt myself"

"How to you hurt yourself, Alex?"

"I bite the ends of my fingers, bite my arms, squeeze my balls. My pain. Mine. Nobody elses."

Alex watched as Rick made careful notes and then changed tack. "So Tom is dating?"

"Yes. Becks. They only have eyes for one and other. I don't understand relationships. I know Yassen did not love me."

"Why do you say that?"

"I think Yassen compromised himself when he started thinking about me as John's son. He was all business torturing me until I told him about Ian. There's so much I don't know about John and Yassen's relationship."

"John and Yassen?"

"John, my biological father, and Yassen. They were lovers. Yassen told me. He was 16 when my dad first fucked him. Before that, Yassen had been on the streets in Russia. He'd sucked a fair amount of cock then. I think he empathised with me."

"Yassen is a psychopath with serial killer pathology. For you to get him to empathise with him, probably saved your life."

"Sure, I enjoyed the sex, even when Yassen mixed it up with pain. I liked the bondage, being helpless, being fucked. I look at everyone in school and I can't bring myself to want them. I know what I find exciting is horrifying and sick." Alex smiled and craned his neck. "Well doc, All this talk of Yassen and I'm hard." Alex then as quick as a flash punched himself in the balls Gasping and eyes watering. In a strangled voice Alex hunched over and said "Thats how I get rid of my erections."

"Alex I want you to do a couple of things over the next week. Do not hurt yourself in any way. If you have an erection, masturbate. Think of that swimmer you like. Get some magazines. Sports magazines nothing overly sexual. You will find some of the people in those attractive. Fantasize about them touching you, OK. Then we can discuss who you find appealing."

Alex looked through the copy of sports illustrated. Shit, he was meant to be getting turned on. Alex looked at the photos. None of the fit, healthy and perfect males and females did anything for him. They all looked a bit vacant. None had the intense spine tingling stare of Yassen Gregorovich. Alex picked up the phone and left a message for Rick.

Alex had reached the awkward teenage stage as he had started to grow again. Finally he was getting taller, a full eight months after Colin who had been the smallest kid in their form in Year nine. Alex knew his accident and continued bouts of illness had probably delayed puberty. At least he was not needing testosterone injections that had been suggested during his last medical. Alex even started to get bid fat spots on his legs mostly. This was the bane of all amputees.

Alex had caught the end of a conversation Tony and Jon had had with Rick regarding Alex positively dreading growing up. The bastards thought he would go all psycho and anorexic, trying to stay a small kid. Alex did not eat like Tom, ravenous all the time. Alex liked popcorn, soya yogurts and dried fruit. Not the normal junk food high calorie chosen diet of his friends. Alex wondered if he would be the spitting image of Ian or taller like his biological father, John Rider.

Alex did not want and go to the party Tony insisted he had to attend. Then again the thought of going over to Tom's to be ignored as Tom mooned over Becka was slightly worse. Alex disgusted Tony by wearing a pair of almost destroyed jeans and a large hoody. The rips in the knees of the jeans showed off Alex's prosthetics rather well. Alex hating his new deeper voice, so had taken to almost completely using sign to Tony. Alex stood and watched the social dynamics of the party.

Alex saw the cast of a different production turn up. Alex recognised an actor who had been around for sunday lunch a couple of times. The Australian was brash, sure of himself and funny. Alex had a running joke with him about zombie films being the pinnacle of cinematic art.

Not wanting to talk, Alex moved to a new spot and continued scanning the room, watching people chat, laugh and flirt.

Tony watched his son avoid any interaction. Signing at people to 'Get lost' as soon as they tried to talk to him. The director's wife simpered about Tony adopting of a deaf/disabled boy. Tony sighed "Alex is not deaf nor mute. He just uses sign as a way to keep people away. At least, his signing includes me. Alex I'm afraid is very bright, and alienated. He likes who he likes and that is a very short list of people at the moment. He's a lovely boy if he accepts you and an absolute shit if he doesn't. A typical teenager, really."

Jon was in a team discussion when the phone rang, Jon stood up to take the call from school. The room went silent as everyone earwigged. "Yes, yes. Give me forty minutes I'll come pick Alex up."

Jon wiped his hand down his face and decided not to call Richard and Tony before he'd talked with Alex. The school thought he was suicidal.

Alex sat and ignored Miss Bedfordshire trying to engage him in conversation. He had been pulled from class this morning and sat outside Mr. Bray's office for some unknown reason. It was bad enough that Jon had been called.

Jon arrived to say "What have you done now to Alex?"

"Fuck knows. I haven't hit anyone. Work and homework is up to date. I arrive this morning and halfway through English I get pulled out of class."

"Lets face the music then Al."

Jon read the essay Alex had handed in to Mr Bradley on attitudes to suicide. School had reported Alex's continued withdrawn attitude this year and now he'd written a piece on how suicide was a great idea. Even listing several options with and without assistance. Mr. Bray was suggesting that he and Tony make sure Alex had no access to medication, sharp objects and not to be left un supervised in this difficult period. Maybe Alex's psychiatrist should be made aware of Alex's difficulties. A nice way of suggesting Alex might need sectioning.

"Alex's sessions with Richard have been progressing well. We've made some progress after Alex admitting to self harm. You know we have been monitoring him for any major changes in eating habits and behaviour. Lets ask Alex what he meant by this essay." Jon really wanted to know if they'd missed something big going on with Alex and this was his cryptic way of letting everybody know. His sessions had been spent discussing sex, self harm, relationships and Alex's reluctance of grown up.

Alex looked at his essay. "So whats the problem?"

Jon looked at Alex's defensive posture, "Umm Alex your teachers are worried you might be planning to off yourself."

Alex just shrugged. "Bradley set the essay on attitudes to suicide. I think if you're in unspeakable pain or terminally ill you should be able to choose to die. If I wanted to die I'd just do it. No talking about it or justifying it."

Mr Bray cleared his throat. "So this essay is not a way of letting us know you are considering to kill yourself."

"I may have considered it in the past, but the moment's passed. I don't currently want to throw myself off Vauxhall Bridge." With this statement Alex looked guiltily at Jon.

Jon then asked "So last month when the police picked you up, you were contemplating throwing yourself into the Thames?"

"Yeah, stupid I know. I'd have got wet. Its not like I can't swim to the side."

Jon processed this statement. He reached out and held Alex's hand. Jon was always surprised at the strange and varied ways Alex let them know how he was coping or not coping. Straight out truth sometimes was sifted by various messages. Using speed dial Jon phoned St Dominic's. "Hi, Christine Can we book Alex in for a session this afternoon? Sure. Let me know. You have my number."

Jon then piped up. "I think Alex might be off school for a couple of days. I'll let you know what Richard suggests."

As they left. Jon processed that this was quite a big thing for Alex to admit. "Thanks for letting me know. Next time email me your homework if it has important hidden messages in it."

"Sure thing dad. I wasn't really going to... you know. I just thought about it."

"This business with Parker really got to you? Is he still annoying you?"

"No, no. Parker's mum's a bit right on and PC. She was not amused about him picking on the one disabled kid in his year. So he sort of apologised."

Jon processed this. He'd have to talk to Ms. Parker, "You're not OK though."

"No. I miss hanging with Tom. Everyone seems to have moved on and I'm stuck as a bit of a loner."

"No one should pressurise you into conforming. Just be yourself Alex."

"Yeah crazy psycho Alex. I just love myself so much."