"But why not?" Hikaru whispered. His eyes brimmed with the tears he wouldn't let fall. "I miss the days when I could tell you everything."
"That's where we're different," Kaoru droned. "You never had secrets. You could tell me whatever you wanted to, but I could never tell you everything."
"But. . . I thought. . ."
"I told you most. . . But never everything. I guess I was hoping that it would just go away. That it was just a phase."
"Kaoru, what are you talking about?"
"Do you want to hate me?" Kaoru's scream echoed in the empty room. "I told you, just leave it alone!" Kaoru sighed and sat back on the window sill. The cherry blossom tree stared back at him from the courtyard outside the window, bringing back painful memories. "Maybe it's better if you do hate me."
Hikaru's anger subsided. "I told you, I could never hate you."
"Well you should," Kaoru said under his breath. "I'm disgusting."
"Kaoru, what has gotten into you? When did you become so self-loathing?"
"When I realized how wrong this is!" Silence filled the air again. "I mean it," he whispered. "Hate me. I'm just pulling you back. You can be with Haruhi if you want. You should be with Haruhi. It's right. It's selfish to expect you to stay away from her."
With these words, Hikaru remembered what he was there to do. He slowly approached his twin and gently positioned his fingers beneath his chin. Kaoru hated himself even more as he felt his face grow hot again. He loved the feeling, but he hated himself for feeling it.
"Kaoru," Hikaru said as he forced his way into Kaoru's view, "this is what I came here to do." Kaoru's heart pounded and he loathed the sound in his ears. With each heartbeat he grew more and more disgusted with himself. This can't be happening, he thought. It isn't right.
Then, to Kaoru's relief, Hikaru dropped his hand. "I came here to tell you that if being with Haruhi means having you hate me, then I'd rather step completely out of her life. Having you hate me is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I guess I was so fascinated with Haruhi because she was the only person who could tell us apart. I saw in her. . .opportunity, I guess. She was the only person who could ever love me for me, and not just for being a good-looking supposedly homosexual twin. But she doesn't love me, that much is obvious. Besides, that doesn't even matter now. I realized that I was completely overlooking the one person who always knew who I was and who I am." His hand rested on Kaoru's shoulder, and he smiled warmly. "So please, don't hate me. I can't take it."
You don't know how wrong you are," Kaoru said, his voice monotone. He stood up, keeping eye contact with his brother. "I don't hate you. That's probably the most untrue statement you've ever made." Kaoru's volume rose again. "Dammit!" He screamed. "Haven't you figured it out yet?!"
Sudden realization in the back of Hikaru's mind made his eyes widen, but he tried to brush the thought aside. No, he thought, that's impossible.
"Don't you understand?!" Kaoru was on the brink of tears. The sharp sound of shattering porcelain filled the room with loud discomfort. Tiny shards of colourful elephant figurine's trunk fell to the ground like rain, and the round, green culprit ricocheted off the wall, bouncing back to Kaoru's feet. "I love you, dammit!" He fell to his knees, ignoring the vibrant shards that pierced his knees. The tears he had been choking on finally spilled out, and he hung his head in shame. "I love you."
The word "no" repeated over and over in Hikaru's head.
Hikaru's voice cracked and stuttered. He tried not to think about the many different meanings of those words. "Ah-I know that," he said, falling to his knees. "And…and I love you too, right? Like always?" Hikaru desperately tried to make Kaoru's words seem innocent.
"No, Hikaru," Kaoru whispered. He lay his hands on Hikaru's shoulders, squeezing them and staring deep into his eyes. "I. . .love you."
The room was like a graveyard. Silent. Solitary. Dead. Hikaru's brain locked. All thought, all feeling was completely gone. Kaoru had left him frozen again, only this time not as a statue, but a corpse. Slowly, Hikaru broght his hand, twitching with confusion, to his head, but his eyes remained frozen forward. Finally his legs regained enough feeling to move. He stood with legs of gelatin and opened his mouth to speak. There was no sound. He stared into nothingness, trying to find his voice.
"I. . ." he stammered, "I have to go." His eyes never met Kaoru's. He spun on his heels and ran out the door, leaving his brother alone in his room. It was his turn to run off down the hall, unaware of where he was going or where he would stop. It was his turn to run off alone somewhere and think things over.
Kaoru's face were stained with tears. His knees were stained with blood. Through the glaze on his eyes, he saw the shattered elephant. "That elephant used to be the identical copy of the one in his room." Kaoru said to himself. He picked up a porcelain shard and twirled it in his fingers. "It makes sense that mine would end up shattered and deformed. It's just like me." He squeezed the shard in his palm, ignoring the pain.
"I'm disgusting."