I was so jealous of the weak one
Like her
One by one they left me
Even my best friends
I have natural talent which attract people
And could easily become close to them
The first time I realized this
I thought it was a gift
But soon I realize
It was a curse
A never ending curse
Relationship started with encounter
And ended with farewell
That law always worked in my life
I have so much happiness that others don't
I was happy
But in blink of eye
Fate stripped my happiness
It hurt
Hurt so much
23rd November 2004
My best friend died
Because of illness
That day I shut myself inside my room. Screaming nonstop, crying nonstop. Not really care even when blood came out from my mouth. The agony was too strong, I could not calm myself.
My sister saved me, she cried with me. Stroking my hair, patting my head, hugging my fragile body, she made me felt safe. Each passes of seconds, she tried to stay by my side as much as possible.
My parents decided for us to move away, so that I could forget about it. I agree with them. I thought by moving away, I could escape from this sadness.
20th February 2005
It was my birthday today. I was so happy, even though I was already 16, birthday was always the only thing which I expecting. My sister also felt happy for me. Mom and Dad told me that they would buy me a big cake. In which made my sister burst with happiness, cause they knew my sister like sweet, so do I.
Both I and sister then decided to greet them at the station.
At that night, I could saw both of them waving their hands at me. Smiling happily, walking on the way towards us.
And then two cars hit them immediately, each got one. The smile lingered in my lip but my eyes say otherwise. The white cake mixed with red color, the crimson color of despair. Pool of blood formed in the area, and my sister quickly took me away from there. But my face stills stay the same, a smile with terrified eyes.
From that day on, I could no longer heard their voice.
24th April 2005
Nothing left inside me after that incident which ended my happiness with one turn. I was back to empty room where I scream and cry, but this time … I didn't cry. Instead the smiling lip and terrified eyes didn't leave me. I wasted my time sitting on my bed in my room.
My sister cried besides me several times. Sister was a strong girl, but I wasn't. Day by day she kept comforting me whenever there was time. Other than that she went to work, she could not hold the sorrow any longer when she saw me turned like a broken doll. I understand this, but my mind doesn't.
Despair has eaten me alive. I wished that I was born as an empty shell with no emotion. I wished I don't have this natural talent. I shut myself inside my room, scared to face people anymore.
23 July 2006
The blank canvas inside me was suddenly cast away today.
On that day, I heard heavy footsteps outside of my room, I thought it was sister. But as I heard crashing noise outside, my thought was disturbed at the moment. Slowly, I get off from my bed, reaching the door which leads to World of Light.
I saw him
The man with black robe
Everything was a mess inside the house, objects scattered everywhere. It was a burglar, but I could not felt panic at all, nothing at all.
Somehow I startled the guy, he quickly rush towards the entrance, but then I saw sis who just come back from work, standing there.
And the familiar accident took place once again, reviewed within my eyes. White pointed metal change color to red as it reached my sister body. Sis's body immediately fell to ground.
The guy ran away
Leaving my sister body on the floor
And me who could only watch the scene unfolded again
Once again
I was alone
28 February 2007
I moved to a new school, the environment was great and the people there were nice. Once again I used my natural talent to form friendship, without having fear to lose them anymore.
Within one month, without I realize, so many people already around me. I was back inside my garden of happiness, I was so happy. Whether it was teacher, student or gardener, each one of them formed a friendship with me. The fear of losing no longer exist inside me, I can't stay sad forever. I need to move on, or else sister, mom and dad would be sad.
3rd March 2007
That day I saw her, poor little girl, the one who has a complete opposite life of me. She was bullied few times, and every time, I would accidently saw her suffering under the hands of those students. They splashed water at her and threw her book to the pond, leaving her there helplessly.
I approached her, helping her picking up scattered belongings. The moment when her eyes met mine, I was stunned.
I fell in love at the first sight, her beautiful eyes that reflect the color of the ocean made me felt calm. Same like the eyes which my sister has. So beautiful that made me blush immediately. I felt nervous all in sudden. My hands were trembling, my heart thumping fast, blood flowing madly inside my vein.
I could not say anything, the words stuck in my throat. I didn't understand what made people said that she was ugly. I guess there were things which other people could not see while I could.
Once again, I found another person to love.
20th March 2007
We accidently meet in the library, when she was crying at the corner. Her tears filled-blue-iris stares at me with fear when I saw her. Her two hands shielding her head, she shivered in fear, thinking that I was going to hit her.
I didn't know what to do, so in the end I chose to sit beside her, waiting for her tears and fears gone away.
4th April 2007
Gradually, you get used to me sitting beside you. For the first time I heard your gentle voice which made me blush. I was finally able to see your smile, you no longer crying when I was with you. You were giggling instead. I was so happy to stay with you like this. But at the same time, I was so jealous of you. Because you never know what does it felt when the happiness you built shattered suddenly.
You already have pain from beginning, while I must kept living between them. It's not fair.
14th April 2007
You cried again today,
You were really such a crybaby
You smiled in front of me, even though you want to cry so much. I saw you crying countless of times without you noticing me.
Did you still not trust me?
Or you didn't want to worry me?
You know, I didn't know whether to call you crybaby or rigid. I think you are both of it. You smiled in front of me, but you cried behind my back. You only cried in front of me once, when we first met.
20th April 2007
I could saw crimson pink color painting your face today. I was thinking that you might be sick. You were pretty talkative, I thought you were more to those shy type one.
You fell asleep suddenly in library while we were in the middle of studying. Did you stay up late again to study? I told you to take care of your health more.
Your sleeping face …
Is just too cute in my eyes
I could not hold my urge to caress your face any longer. I touched your face gently, not wanting to wake you up. Your cheek was so soft and fluffy, as white as marshmallow. I intend to hold your hand, but I stopped myself from doing so.
If I went any further, I might hurt you.
25th April 2007
You said that you loved me
I thought you were joking when you said that
But you were not gonna said something like that as a joke, don't you?
My doubt crashed when you asked me to go out. Was this a dream? If yes then please let me sleep inside this sweet dream forever. But this was not a dream. I could felt the warmth of your body when you suddenly hugged me after I said "okay".
For the second time, you cried in front of me. You were really such a crybaby. But this time no holding back anymore, you cried in joy.
That day… only the blue sky that knew what happened.
30th April 2007
Since the day we started going out, I begin to have unhealthy mind towards you. My hands wanted to touch you whenever you scooted closer to me. I permitted them to hug you, but then another thought came after another.
I want to touch my lips to yours', and that was the cause of the accident which made me snatched away your first kiss.
I could felt your breath against my mouth as our lips connected. I knew you were surprised. One thing leads to another. I nibbled your bottom lip, begging for entrance. And you opened it for me.
Your lip was as sweet as honey but as dangerous as venom. I could not stop licking every part inside your mouth. I can't stop. Several times, our tongue would touch each other's. I heard you moaned whenever I was devouring inside of you.
But I stopped immediately once our lip parted away. If it went any further, you might cry. Cause I will hurt you with my envy.
May 5th 2007
You said that you were happy when finally no one bullied you and people talked to you. But once again I saw your forced smile. What again which made you unhappy? Why didn't you tell me? Did you not trust me?
May 6th 2007
"I already told you, it's not like we want to talk to you. We talk to you because you are Shion's girlfriend."
I heard those words, so that was what made you unhappy. You should have told me, but you didn't.
Why?
Aren't we lovers? I don't understand
I saw you crying in the corner of library again, hiding yourself among the books. Hoping that no one gonna notice you. But I can't pretend that I didn't notice you, I saw you there.
I wanted to comfort you, but jealously stopped me.
I was jealous of your weak self. No one would be attracted to you. You were the complete opposite of me.
It was unfair.
May 12th 2007
Slowly, I get used to touching you and you get used to me touching you, although mostly you will blushing when I hugged you.
We have some kind of code as couple which only both of us knew. It was pretty funny to use this kind of code, but somehow I became attached to it. I like the expression of your angry pouting face when I suddenly text you a message saying something urgent which turned out to be a lie.
But you still cry a lot behind my back, you were really a crybaby. Did I really that unreliable? It pains me to see you crying. I always thought what my sister would do in this kind of situation. She would stay by my side. But I was not sister, I have … envy towards you. I might hurt you.
June 23th 2007
The urge to hurt you grew stronger as my jealously towards you rise. I tried to hold myself several time from hurting you. But at the same time, I wanted to stay beside you. We could only meet three times a day. That's enough to make me wanting to tear you apart.
I didn't want that. I didn't want to hurt you. You are important to me, but it just so painful and suffocating. The envy inside me just can't stop berserk. I hate you so much that I wanted to break you.
I hope the Reaper would take me away from this world, I didn't wish to became a monster.
July 13th 2007
My world shattered along with your smiling face.
I saw the photo which was broadcasted around the school.
What were you thinking? Why were you doing this?
I shouted at you in anger, but you only stay silent. Say something already. I was so serious about this relationship. Yet you think it as nothing. I hate you so much.
We ended our relationship on that day. I didn't wish to see you anymore.
Small part inside me felt relieved, because if things turned out like this, I won't be able to hurt you anymore. I could no longer control myself from hurting you, but another side of me was screaming in pain. Was I the only one who took this relationship seriously?
Was everything a game for you?
July 16th 2007
Ever since our break up, you never showed up at school anymore. I pretend not to notice it, but I couldn't. The hole inside me was still too big. They made me remember you each time I glanced at your seat. But then it would drift back into my act of jealously and how you betrayed me.
I was hurt by my curse once again, you didn't leave me, but you hurt me. You are important to me. I just could not forget you.
July 17th 2007
One strange person suddenly appeared in front of my door. A boy with black zipped jacket with hood that covering half of his face. The first impression when I met him, I thought that he was a burglar. But after he came inside my house, all that doubts were erased, because he brought one huge bag of ice creams in his hand.
He said the ice creams were for me and asked whether he could become my acquaintance by doing so. Although I wanted to refuse, but somehow the way he act made me wanted to laugh, it was so funny. I thought it won't hurt to accept his request.
July 20th 2007
Because of my curse, I get along with him within these past few days. Somehow it felt like having a little brother in my house, although he talked casually to me like a friend. And I gotta admit, he was pretty arrogant, but sometimes he might talk maturely which made me admire him.
I told him about my past life, and he just listened to it, without any complaint. He was a good listener, not only he listened to it, but he also gave me advice, he was pretty straight forward though, using the word"idiot" and "dumbass" several times.
There was one time when I told him about my relationship with you, also about my jealously problem. When he heard it, he shook his head and said, "You are a big idiot, Shion,"
Only that and he didn't say anything further.
July 22th 2007
I wish to meet you.
I really wanted to meet you, my chest hurt whenever I think about you again. Hurt because both envy and hate struggling inside me. But I still wanted to meet you, no matter what.
I went to your house, but you were not there anymore.
I have decided. I will search for you.
September 13th 2007
I found you,
So you were beside me all this time
Why didn't you tell me?
I asked you but you only stay silent, I tried to ask further but stopped at the sight of your broken form, river of crimson decorating your body, your hands, your legs, your chest, and your face. Everything covered with countless scars and wounds. To be much worse, I saw the knife drenched completely in red on your hand.
I came to a conclusion… you were hurting yourself.
…
…
…
In the river of people, I kept struggling not to lose my mind. Words could kill someone. It was not much different with music. A gentle music will enlighten the people who listened to it. But how about a wicked yet beautiful song like the one you were singing right now? It drove people onto the edge of madness, succumbing themselves to sin.
Something struck my mind. If I could not reach you until the song was finished, something terrible will happen. Something which I could not explain, yet I knew what it was.
Your voice, it was not used to be like this. It was more gentle and kind. Not seducing like this, it poisoned me with venom called "lust" awakening inside me. I need to reach you quickly, before I turn out like people around me who was drowned inside world of madness.
Several times, my hand would clutch my chest in pain, trying to make me remain awakened. Your voice was too dangerous, it slowly eating my consciousness away from me, replacing it with lust.
Too dangerous…
Danger
Danger
Danger
You were not allowed to live
I shall kill you with my hand
For the sake of my envy
Was it her or me?
Who drove me mad like this?
The young boy hands were on her neck, strangling her with intention to kill. Among the flames of hell which spreading larger, his mind was completely shattered. He could no longer hold his hatred towards her, the hatred which was the fruit of his seed of envy.
The teal haired girl was struggling for air under the cruelness of his hand. She became scared, scared of him. His eyes were like a demon, casting fear inside of her. If it was not because of the situation right now, she might be screaming already. The girl tried her best to struggle, but it no use, his hands just tightening. Soon she found herself going to run out of breath.
To make the matter worse, the smoke from the flame around them made her suffer more. He didn't stop. His will to kill has surpassed his consciousness.
Tears streamed down from the poor girl eyes as her eyes trying to stay open.
"STOP IT SHION!"
One last voice registered to her ear, before she finally succumbed to eternal darkness, closing her eyes in despair.
"How was she?" the black hood boy asked towards Dr Kugetsu.
"Bad news or good news first?" reply the Doctor with a chuckle.
"Good news."
With the sleeping teal haired girl on the bed, both of the boys were now inside Miku's room. Doctor Kugetsu was treating Miku's wounds with the black hood boy helping him, other than those two, Nayu, the waitress at the restaurant which Kaito visit before, somehow also there helping Dr Kugetsu.
"No death danger, she just pass out." Instead of Dr Kugetsu, Nayu replied him.
"And the bad news?" asked the Black hood boy.
"If blue-boy read the text message I send him and quickly take her out of that place, then perhaps there might be no bad news." said Kugetsu.
"Just answer me!" said the black hood boy, raising his voice a bit. His patience was at edge, ready to burst anytime.
A moment of silence shrouded the room. Neither of them spoke, the black hood boy was starting to lose his patience. Seeing this kind of situation, Nayu tried to answer him, but before she could spoke, Kugetsu hand was in front of her mouth, halting her from speaking.
"Mental disorder getting worse, satisfied now?" the doctor replied.
He said nothing after hearing his answer, slowly moving towards the entrance of the room.
"Wait! Where are you going?" the black haired girl called out to him which stopped his feet from stepping further.
"None of your business." he replied, leaving the room.
"Looks like someone is getting angry~~" said the black haired doctor with playful tone.
…
…
…
Meanwhile, outside of the room, a certain blue haired boy was sitting in the living room, leaning to wall lifelessly. His face was buried between his knees which were folded.
The black haired doctor came out from his room and saw his broken form that was sitting on the floor. With a sigh, he approached and sat beside him.
"Worst crisis has passed, you could relax, boy… For now." No words came out from Kaito's mouth. He only stayed silent and not moving from his position.
The black haired boy scratched the back of his head," You are the first person I ever know who strangled his girlfriend, it's quite surprising." he chuckled, trying to annoy him.
"She is not my girlfriend," the blue boy spoke suddenly, replying him.
He was surprised for a bit when he suddenly spoke like that. But nevertheless, he continue, "You know, it might be just like what he said, things might be not really like what you think."
"But it does happen like what I think." Reply Kaito
The black haired boy sighed again after hearing his reply. "Why must you guys always so dishonest."
"You… guys?"
"He was also like this at first, and you are the 3rd dishonest person I ever met."
"He? You mean … that black hood boy?"
"Who knows." The doctor stand up, shoving his hand on his pocket, "I'm gonna leave soon, take care of her ok." With those words, he turned around, walking towards the entrance where Nayu already waiting for him.
"Wai-"before Kaito could finish his words, the doctor cut him off, "You are free to do whatever you want, do what you think is the best for everyone." He waved his left hand with his back facing him, and onward to the entrance, leaving confused Kaito behind him.
…
…
…
"Doctor, who was the first anyway?" on the road to home, suddenly Nayu asked him.
"Hm?"
"You said he is the 3rd one, and I know who the 2nd one is, but … I don't have any idea about the first one?" ask Nayu, getting curious with it.
A smile was formed in his lip as he lifted his head to gaze towards the never ending sky.
"My little brother."