Empty Vase

Chapter 11: The Light

I don't see any use in trying to understand myself any longer. I don't see the use of anyone else trying either. If I can't even understand why I am the way that I am, how does anyone else expect to see me any better?

That's been running through my mind ever since last night. I wish more than anything right now that I wasn't so stubborn. I wish more than anything that I could learn to trust. I wish more than anything that I didn't regret last night.

After I left James in the common room, I went back to my own room. I went back to my own little secluded part of hell where I'm all alone once again. Not that I'm trying to complain or blame anyone other than myself for having that hell in the first place. I wouldn't dare give the fault to anyone else. I put myself here. I put myself through hell. I put myself through those long and cold, lonely nights of staying awake for hours and hours trying my best not to cry.

Weak people cry; I can't be weak. I was taught never to be weak. If I wanted something in life the only way to get it was to be strong and dependent on no one but me.

All though the irony of that is pretty pathetic on my part. If all I want to be is happy, then if I was so strong and dependent on me, why is that the thing I'm not? Why do I keep myself in all this constant pain to try to avoid getting even more hurt...but all it does is put me through more suffering? Why is that the thing that keeps me in this hopeless state where I feel like every day is grey and I'll never live to see the light again?

Unless we're speaking of the light everyone tells us to avoid. You know that one that you see when you're on your death bed...and that huge sparkly lily-white light comes shining and blinding you? The one you're supposed to get away from to stay alive?

Stay alive for what? How the bloody hell can that light be so bad? Isn't it supposed to represent heaven or something along that sort? I guess I'm sorta envious of those people who have a reason to not want to walk toward that light when they're near death. I know I wouldn't be one of them. Not me. Never me. Those people that don't walk toward the light...they have a reason to stay. They have their own perfect heaven on Earth. They've found something so precious to them that they'd go through all that pain just to still be with it.

I can't say that I have something like that. Nor do I think I ever will.

Not that I don't wish I did. Of course I do. But to have something as special as that...is completely out of my reach. To have something like that, I'd have to find somebody who actually cared or loved me. I'm sure you've gotten the impression by now that I don't believe in love. I wouldn't blame you for feeling like that.

Truth is, I believe in love...but not any love that concerns me. I believe everyone has someone out there who loves them...whether it be a lover, your parents and family...or your best friend. I have no love of my life...I have no parents or family who care about me...I have no real best friend. I have no one but me. But maybe it's how it's supposed to be until that day I get to see my white light and heaven gates. Maybe I was meant to be all alone. Maybe solitude and loneliness is my best friend.

"Miss Evans! What on Earth are you doing sleeping in my class!" I open my sleepy eyes to greet the eyes of a very angry looking poitions teacher. Professor Walters. I swear there must be some rule somewhere that states all potions teachers are grumpy, little bi--

"Evans! Answer my question!" It feels like it takes forver to process what she's saying. It sucks being this tired.

"I'm sorr--" I begin, but I'm silenced by my own yawn and the teacher cutting me off.

"There is no excuse for this. You are Head Girl. Learn what it means to be that! Det--!"

"You can't give her detention! That's not fair!" The entire class turns to stare at James who is in the back of of the room now standing. Oh no...shut up, James and just sit down before you get her ticked off even more.

"How do you know I was going to say 'detention', hmm Potter?" Too late. " Maybe I was going to say 'delightful you could join us again, Evans!'. You just assume I mean to give her a detention?" I see her eyebrow raise as she looks James up and down, her arms crossed and her foot gently tapping against the cold floor.

"Sure as hell wouldn't surprise me any if you just gave all Gryffindors detention," Sirius speaks up from beside James with one of those infamous (and oh so sickeningly handsome) smirks.

The teacher returns his smirk with one of her own, saying with a hiss of a voice, "I see, Black...so why don't you just join Evans and Potter in detention then?"

"What! When did I get detention!" James says almost mockingly right as I say: "NO!"

Something must've dawned upon the both of them at the same exact moment because they suddenly both looked distraught and panicked. I almost fall out of my seat from the sudden yelling in the classroom. Sirius and James were looking desperate beyond anything I've ever seen before.

"You can't do that! Please! Not tonight! I'll...give you a weeks worth of detention after tonight!" Our potions teacher studies James from behind her thin glasses a smile slowly creeping on her lips. "You mean...you would give anything to get out of detention tonight? You too, Black?"

They both shake their head extreamely half heartedly, turning to look at Remus, who all of the color has now been drained from his face. What's got them so desperate? Now of all times when they usually get detention and laugh it off?

"Then no. I'll take greater pleasure knowing that you're suffering being in this detention with me tonight. Although, I must admit, having Evans join you, Miss Prefect herself, is a wonderful plus as well."

Oh great. A whole night with James. Right when I'm trying to escape from him, he catches back up with me somehow.

"Here. Give me your wand, Evans. I don't want you cheating. I can see now that you were obviously a bad choice for Head Girl (not that it wasn't clear to me before hand)," Miss Walters monotone and annoyingly dreary voice says snatching my wand from my hand.

"You will get this back after you are done with your detention. Black and Potter are already waiting in here for you," she jabs the point of my wand toward the room beside us, "and you all will be cleaning in here tonight until it's all spic and span. Am I made clear?"

I nod my head a little, trying to focus and not fall asleep at the same time. She slams the door open using her wand (which seems so unnecessary when you can just be like everyone else and open the door by the handle) and we both step in to find a very upset looking James and a annoyed Sirius.

"Well. Have fun." I turn to see our Potions teacher give a final, satisfied smirk and leave the storage room with a click of the door telling us all it's been locked.

I don't think I've ever regretted not having had more sleep before. I tried so hard to sleep too. But it seemed impossible. Everytime I'd close my eyes I'd either be blinking away or tear or seeing the sad look on James' face that I had seen last night. I'd give anything for that look to have been what it seemed like. No one's ever looked at me like that before. He looked like he cared so much...like he wanted to help...like he...like he really loved me.

"You gonna help or just day dream, Lily?" Sirius asks shoving a mop into my hands snapping me back into reality. He kinda glares at me as he does.

It's so strange. I always see Sirius with a smile on his face. What's gotten him so mad all of a sudden?

"Um...I'm...I'm sorry..." I say nervously under his stare and I look away, anxiety building up in my chest just to look him in the eyes.

"You should be. You're the reason why we're here!" I find myself taking a step back from him scared of what he might do.

"Calm down, Padfoot. Yelling at her isn't going to make everything go away." James pulls on the back of Sirius' robes and away from me.

"It might make me feel better. What if something happens tonight, Prongs! What's Wormtail gonna do!"

"Moony has been through this tons of times. He'll be all right. Nothing's going to happen to anyone. So stop yelling at me and Lily."

"Are you sure you don't want me to yell at her because nothing will come from it or because--" and Sirius is cut off when he lays eyes on me again. It was like they had forgotten I was in the room entirely.

I look away from Sirius and back to James...but he won't even look at me.

I'm not sure how it happened exactly, but somewhere in the midst of all that we all began working on cleaning up without any of us saying a word to the other unless it happened to be "Sorry..." for getting in someone's way.

It was 1:20 by the time we finished and Professor Walters still hadn't come. By then we were all just assuming she had gone to sleep.

And I was getting the same idea. I'm laying on the floor next to a pile of some old text books called The Way We Wizards Were, and slowly drifting off to sleep. I wake a little when I hear Sirius make a loud grunting noise from the other side of the room.

"Oh geez, Sirius..." I say to myself looking over to see him cuddling with a mop as he sleeps.

"He's always like that." I jump a little at James' voice. He's sitting on the other side of the books on a bucket staring at the door looking fully awake.

"Heh...I'm...sorry...I think?" I say, not knowing anything else that would seem fitting to say after that. I'm nervous now. I hate it. I can feel my breath growing short and a knot forming in my chest painfully. "Look...James...I'm...I'm sorry I got you into detention..."

"Why would you be sorry? I did it. Not you. I chose to speak up and say something. You didn't force me to. It's my fault. I'm the one who's sorry. I won't ever bother you again. You made that pretty clear that that's what you wanted."

He finally looks at me. Only for a second. But in that second it felt like eternity just staring into those eyes. I look down, disappointed almost in myself to have wanted to stare into those eyes at least one more time. "I don't know what I want anymore..." my words come out in a whisper so quiet I don't think he even heard me.

It's true though. I don't know what I want. I thought I wanted James to just leave me alone and stop bothering me or trying to help me like I was weak or something...but...in it's own sick way...all his pestering kinda gave me this hope. Geez, if that didn't make me sound like an idiot, huh?

He's about to say something to me, obviously he had heard my pathetic whisper...but something stops him. There's a pounding on the door.

A/N: I know, I know. It's been like what? Forever? Before anyone starts to yell at me let me just say I am very ashamed of myself and very sorry. And no worries, for those who read my A Change of Heart story, I will be updating that too...sometime.