August 1st, 1999

The more certain I am that I will not escape this affair without offspring, the less I worry about it.

Telf is a good mate. He will make a good father, so long as our child is not a seer like me. There was a point in my childhood that I vowed never to procreate, never to condemn a member of my family to my fate, but now that I've reached this point, I don't care, both because I have discovered that my life is not without joy, and because I don't want to end this.

I have not come to terms with the fact that Telf and I are lifelong mates, that the first awkward time sealed us indefinitely. I still view this as a trial, as impermanent until I choose it should be. But I know that is folly. I make the mistake of viewing myself as a human or hruthin because I share their mental capacities. They've long since learned how to prevent conception, that bonding to mates is a long, indirect decision that takes more than one foolish mistake to make. But I am not a human, I am not a hruthin. I am a Hork-Bajir, which means I am subject to our rules.

And according to them, Telf and I are mates.

This fills me with a complex emotion. It terrifies me. It nauseates me. Telf is still a child in so many ways; he will never advance mentally from where he is now, I can never open up to him with my concerns, my hopes, my worries, my ambitions. Any time I attempt to start a conversation with him, he laughs and teases or tickles me until I surrender to him physically. It hurts me, knowing that I will never have the relationship with him that I want, the one I hope I deserve, and yet…

I love that we are mates.

When I am with him, I stop worrying. The static noise always poisoning my mind is muted, my focus shifts entirely to him. When he kisses me, I feel safe, I feel loved, I feel both special and mundane. When he holds me, I feel protected, I feel like everything I am responsible for is unthreatening as long as he is there to shield it from me. It's irrational, it's wrong, but if I can turn off my brain while I'm with him, it's the most wonderful feeling in the world.

I do not know if I love him, but I love that we are mates.

I know how selfish it is to continue this. I know dishonorable it is, how poorly I'll be viewed for it. And I know that I've been neglecting my people; I don't even know if Teb and Brik are both still alive, if shhhe hold my girl no fac p