Chapter 11

I end up playing back the message a few times. I take in every piece of her image and memorize every word. It feels like she's begging me to stay strong without her. For the first time since I lost her, I start to think that it might be possible.

I've lost count of how many times I played it back by the time I work up the nerve to stop. When I do, I find myself looking around at the cabin and something she said in the last part of her message really hits me: "what I have will go to you."

…did that include the Normandy? Was she really planning to defy the entire Alliance—the Council, even—and give a human Spectre's ship to the command of a turian soldier? There's not a doubt in my mind that had she survived the fight she would've shared this cabin with me. But had she really been planning to give it to me? The Normandy to Shepard was…well, to call it "her most prized possession" could never begin to cover it. For her to trust it to me…

"If I had my way, you'd really be my family already…"

…spirits. I never realized…how could I not have known? Once again, I start thinking of our last conversation on Earth, our talk of retirement together. She really meant every word. It was really what she wanted. Now more than ever, the thought of us being deprived of that future we so desperately wanted is mournful—sickening, even—and I can't imagine what cruel force of nature would've taken it upon her to sacrifice her life and any chance of the future she wanted in order to save the entire galaxy, a burden no one should have to bear. Wasn't there some other way? Couldn't someone else have done it? Why did it have to be her?!

I scoff at the question when the moment surrounding it fades. I already know the answer: because she was Commander Shepard. From the moment she was born, she was at the center of it all, forced to make the decisions no one else could and live with the consequences. When she became the galaxy's only hope against the Reapers, every situation she was thrust into affected everyone within thousands of light-years and, eventually, it started to seem like her fate was being chosen for her. Anyone else would have broken from the pressure alone. But she was stronger than any human I'd ever known. She survived when her unit was eaten by thresher maws, came back from getting spaced when the SR-1 went down, and took down the entire Reaper army essentially singlehanded. No one else could've done any of that. She could. She was a hero to the entire galaxy…but most especially to me.

"That doesn't sound like my girl. You'll find a way to win. And when this is over…I'll be waiting for you."

…I'm still waiting for you…

I consider playing the message one last time, but I don't. I'm not doing myself any good just sitting here staring at it for hours on end. If anything, that's going against what the message is telling me to do in the first place. So I get back on my feet and start moving through the cabin again. After a few minutes of the restless movement, I just forget it and head over to the elevator. Without taking a second to think about where I'm going, I hit the button for deck 2 and go down to the CIC.

I take one step out and look around as the elevator closes down. It occurs to me that even the CIC is exactly how she left it. The only difference is that she's not hovering over the galaxy map deciding where to explore next. It makes the entire deck seem…emptier. How many times did I sneak out of the battery specifically to watch her take command and then drag her into my arms to spend just one moment with her before we threw ourselves into the fray again? Five? Ten? Twenty? 100? For that matter, how many times did I follow her into it? Did we even hit the 100 mark? It sure felt like we did. Seems like we went on thousands of missions over the course of three years. A thousand and still not enough.

Once again, my subconscious takes over my movements and I start heading across the bridge and to the cockpit. After about three steps in that direction, I start to realize why: because that's where she'd go. After every mission, she'd scout around the ship to see how the crew was holding up. While the pattern varied, there were always two places she never failed to reach: the battery and the cockpit. She went to see Joker as many times as she went to see me. I'm starting to understand why that is. Maybe his unflinching humor was helping my undying support to keep her strength up during the war. Sometimes you just need a release, something to let you know that there's still some normalcy to the galaxy, that everything's going to be fine and has even a chance of returning to normal. At the thought, I remember my "contest" with Joker after taking down the Reaper on Tuchanka, tossing jokes about each other's species back and forth. Guess I'm hoping we'll try it again.

When I reach the cockpit, I find that we're not moving and EDI isn't in the co-pilot seat. It's a strange sight and it makes me wonder what's going on. Then I remember where we were going before I headed up to Shepard's cabin. The squad was going to infiltrate a station that was supposedly a Shadows base. They must still be there. Without me. Right. Gotta get used to that.

Joker is checking the systems and waiting for a COMM signal from EDI when I walk in. "Propulsion's online…COMMs are fully functional…fully functional…come on, EDI, what's going on out there with the Super Friends?"

"The what?" I can't resist asking. Humans never cease to supply references and expressions I'm completely unfamiliar with.

Of course, he clearly didn't know I was standing at the entrance to the cockpit because my sudden inquiry startles him. After he jumps, he gives me a look. "Garrus! What's the deal, are you part cat?!"

"I'm a sniper. We need to move quick and quiet. I thought you would've heard me coming anyway."

"Well, I'm a bit busy right now."

"Busy worrying about EDI? Believe me when I say she can handle herself. I saw her plow down a Brute at ten meters."

Joker scoffs. "Yeah, she's good at that." Then he seems to think over our current situation and sighs. "Look…EDI told me about the…you know…"

After he's said it, I suddenly can't look at him anymore. I turn my gaze to the viewing glass between the cockpit and the vacuum of space. I look out at the endless sea of stars surrounding us. She always loved those stars. "Yeah. I'd rather try my hand at the Brute myself than go through this."

"Is it going through this that's the problem or going through it without her?"

Wow. Never figured Joker for the insightful type. "…both."

He sighs again. "Well, if it'll make you feel better, we can drop by that sushi place on the Citadel and toss you through the fish tank. Seems like it cleared her head."

There's the Joker I know. I laugh briefly and fire back. "Was it the actual fish tank crash or the resulting fight with 100 mercs and a suppressor pistol?"

"Yeah, she did have fun that night."

"And learned not to try going to dinner with you."

"Right, 'cause you're so much fun at that."

"Oh, yeah, what was it you said about me before Omega-4…?"

This time, when he jumps, he outright flips his seat around, turning all his frightened attention to me. "She told you about that?!"

"No," I smirk at him, "I just wanted to watch you squirm."

He gives me a look before turning back to the controls. "Freak me out like that again and I'll bill you for the medical expenses to the leg I'll break from falling out of this chair."

"If what you told her was that bad and I convince EDI to let me in on it, it might not be falling from the chair that actually breaks that leg."

"You wouldn't attack me when I'm flying us through the middle of space, would you?"

"When we have EDI as a backup and you don't need your legs to steer? Yeah, no promises."

It's then that we hear the airlock opening and the squad steps in.

"How'd it go?" I ask as they toss aside their breathers.

"Total bust," James groans, taking off his helmet, "A few Shadows but no commander or anything."

"There were not any active consoles through which we could access data we have not already acquired either," EDI adds as she rejoins Joker in the cockpit.

"Even our arrow girl didn't show up. Maybe she's just been following you around, Scars." He's quickly reprimanded by Tali for that statement with a punch in the arm. "Ow! Man, Sparks, you're stronger than you look!"

I force back the emotions his insinuation unknowingly brought on, the ones Tali was clearly trying to help with, and allow myself a small smirk at the exchange between the soldier and the quarian. Save the hurt for when you're alone. Focus on the fact that you have them back even for just a little while. Yeah, I can do that. And I do feel a lot better having them here. It's like regaining something I lost…even if I can't have it all back the way it was before. "What about the readings you already got, EDI?" I finally bring myself to ask.

"I have pinpointed two other bases in the Traverse," EDI answers, "but I do not believe there will be much difference."

"I have been contacting everyone I can to gather information on the Shadows," Liara explains, "but they're very reclusive and secretive. It seems all I can do is determine how they were hired. No one knows where they really are."

So even the Shadow Broker can't figure these guys out? Now I know something's wrong. Nothing has ever been this difficult for us before. Even when we were tracking down Cerberus, Miranda was able to find an opening to plant a tracer on Kai Leng, something this Shepard-clone clearly never gave us a chance for. As if she knew to expect it.

…as if she knew to expect it…

That's it! "Liara!" I call before she can get to the elevator and head back to her office, "Is it possible the Shadows could've gotten into your network and accessed intel on us?"

Liara seems shocked by the implication, but I can see as she thinks it over that she realizes the truth behind it. "Maybe if they have deep cover operatives infiltrating my agents. I wouldn't be able to verify which ones are Shadows either. That might be why I haven't been able to track them down."

"And why they seem to be tracking our moves before we make them. That's why they killed our target on Ilium—because they knew we were coming."

"It must also be why the clone keeps getting the upper hand on all of us," Miranda steps in, "But if that's why, why did she run off instead of finish us off on Ilium?"

I honestly consider that. But only one answer comes to mind: …because the poison was supposed to take effect. It wasn't a fallback for the fight, the fight was a distraction. They weren't trying to end things then and there. They were trying to get to me…or pick us off one at a time. That must be it. The only other explanation is that the clone deliberately let us go, but why in the galaxy would she do that?

It's almost as if Liara reads my mind and shares my concern. "I'll start looking into it. With some luck, I might find something before we reach the next base EDI has tagged."

"You'd have to be very lucky," Miranda comments.

"And, of course, we rarely are," I sigh.

Liara just shakes her head at us and heads for the elevator.

As the others head off, I lean back against the central CIC console and wait for the elevator traffic to clear. While I wait, I look around again. My gaze catches on the galaxy map. After a few brief flashes of the times I met her here, I find myself looking over the highlighted star clusters and mentally naming off the ones she took me to. The Serpent Nebula, where we first met; the Omega Cluster, where we were reunited after I believed her dead for two years; the galactic core, where we both almost gave our lives to hold off the Reapers; the Apien Crest, where we were reunited once again as we watched the Reapers hit Palaven; and…the Sol System…where I lost her forever.

No! I practically scream at myself, Stop doing that to yourself, Garrus, that's what's killing you! She never wanted that! Once again, the powerful hallucination in her cabin and the message she left for me take hold—she'll always be with me, no matter what happens, she said. I have to believe that if I'm going to survive long enough to…to live how she wanted me to. To go on without her and…and…

Who am I kidding? I might be able to eventually fight off the grief enough to go on with my life, especially if I start finding something I can actually do with myself that doesn't constantly remind me of her, but I'll never be able to just move on. She said it herself that she didn't believe anyone could take my place. I know without a doubt no one can ever take hers. Of course, I remember how she once talked about having a special place in her heart for me and something about "making room for everyone else." Maybe that's all I need to do. But I also remember a conversation we had one night during the war…

I was in the battery, like usual, wondering over a particularly difficult algorithm and trying to distract myself from the pressures of the war. It'd been two weeks since the krogan were deployed to Palaven and I still hadn't heard anything from my family that was inspiring any hope of their survival. I was about ready to give up and storm off to the armory to try shooting something when the intercom sparked to life.

"Garrus?" I heard her voice over the PA system, igniting something inside me that managed to drive my doubts away. No one else could do that. It was one reason I was so in love with her…and still am. "Could you come up to my cabin?"

"I'll be right there," I answered, closing off the targeting systems and heading out. If nothing else, she managed to drag me away from some frustrating calculations that kept getting worse as I thought more about them. And, if only for a few moments, from the fear looming over me that my father and sister might not survive the night. When I got out of the elevator, I headed straight into the cabin. I hadn't bothered knocking or anything in all the days I'd been there, especially not when she invited me in first.

She was sitting on the bed, looking off to the side as if nothing of consequence was anywhere in the room besides the wall. She didn't even turn to face me when she heard me walk in. "I hope I wasn't pulling you away from anything important," she finally said, passively.

"No, I'm actually glad you did. I was going crazy down there." I couldn't resist a small smile as she gave one to me, but she still didn't look at me. Something was wrong. "Why'd you call me up here? Is everything OK?"

"…yeah, I just…couldn't sleep."

There was a melancholy tone beneath her words that told me there was more to it, something hurtful, but I knew not to pry too deeply. If it was bad enough that she didn't feel like sharing it outright, it was probably best not to bring it up. Still, that brought me to realize why she wanted me with her. Knowing full well my duty as her boyfriend, I made my way to the bed and sat down on it beside her, placing an arm around her. Only then did she turn her gaze to me and I saw a shadow instead of a spark in her eyes. Fear, despair, sorrow, pleading? None of those choices were emotions I would typically associate with the great Commander Shepard, but I had seen sparing amounts of all of them over the course of this war. She'd made it pretty clear, without even having to say it, that she needed me as much as I needed her.

Gently, I reached over to run a talon through her hair and pull it back from her face. The gesture caused a small glint to return to her eyes for a moment and I knew she was either taunting me ("Come on, is that the best you can do?") or begging for more ("Garrus, you know that's only the first part of this. I called you up here for the rest."). So as my hand slowly ran down from her hair to her neck, I moved in closer. My fingers were just barely touching her skin as they made the descent and I could feel her practically shiver at the sensation. When my hand was at her shoulder, I pressed it to her back and applied just enough pressure to bring her in.

I still don't know how long we were kissing before we separated. It seemed like both a second and a century. All I know is that, when we did take a break for air, we were lying down instead of sitting and our bodies were pressed even closer together than when we started. We were content to stop there, but we still kept our arms around each other and didn't let go or otherwise move. We stayed close together, apparently all night. I was almost ready to start falling asleep there when her curiosity took hold.

"Garrus…do turians mate for life?"

The question definitely caught me off-guard. I wasn't expecting that, especially not at a time like this. Still, I summoned up an answer: "Don't all species technically do that?"

"Well, yeah, humans get married, asari get bonded, salarians…get reproductive contracts or whatever it is they do."

I couldn't avoid letting off a small laugh at that one. She always knew how to get that from me.

"But if you're married and your partner dies, you can eventually try again with someone else. Do turians do that, too?"

I heard it in her voice again. That downhearted tone that implied there was more to this than she wanted to admit or I wanted to face. "Well…yeah, as far as I know. Obviously, I've never tested it."

She let off a small smile, something that told me she was considering something painful and I was the only thing keeping a light in that darkness.

"Why? Is that what 'mating for life' is?"

"No. There are some animals, wolves especially, that find a mate and then, if that mate dies…never love again."

…oh. "…are you worried something's going to happen to one of us?"

For a moment, she stopped moving and her grip on me tightened. I could still feel her heart pounding in her chest and my own started rushing a little harder at the pressure from her grasp. Then she pulled away and returned to the position she'd adopted before I entered the room, this time looking off into the distance instead of at the wall. "We've lost too many people in this war already. Kaidan, Mordin, Thane, Legion—how many other people I trust are the Reapers going to take away?" She then looked down at the bed and clenched her eyes shut as if struggling not to cry. "…I can't lose you, too."

I was already grieving them and everyone I knew was lost on Palaven. But seeing her break down for them was…was…I don't even have a word for it. I've heard the humans say "heartbreaking" before and it seems appropriate enough so maybe that's the one I should go with, even though somehow it doesn't feel nearly strong enough. It took a moment for me to work up the nerve to take her hand in mine and position it so she could feel my pulse and I could feel hers. "I'm right here. And I'm not going anywhere. Never again."

It seemed like I didn't move for five minutes before she began to respond. I gave her the time she needed, focused on the steady, mesmerizing rhythm I felt from the blood vessels in her wrist. When she finally began to move, she looked over at our joined hands and seemed to inspect them as if looking for the source of the small, pounding beats she was feeling ringing through her fingertips. After a few seconds of observing the tender connection, she finally brought her eyes up to meet mine again and I saw the same pain in them I'd seen before our embrace, deeper now. But as her emerald green eyes met my "starry blue" (she'd always called them), she slowly began to let me in, as if begging me to keep her close and prove that I would stay with her for the rest of my life if I could.

And I would.

I just never got the chance to show her.

"Garrus?" Traynor suddenly says, the sudden sound of her voice intruding on my thoughts causing me to jump back from the CIC console, "Are you alright?"

I pull myself together. Not here. Not now. "Yeah, I just…" I don't know how to explain it to her. I could barely explain it to the others. So I sigh and head for the elevator. "…I just need some time alone." I don't even look at her as she attempts to talk to me. I focus on hitting the button for deck 1 and let the doors close between us. As I'm left alone, I lean back against the wall and turn my attention to the feeling of the slow ascension of the elevator itself.

"You're not doing yourself any good by blocking everyone else out."

I don't bother turning to face the voice. I know the ghost is back and standing right next to me, there's no reason I should acknowledge it and open myself to that again. The real Shepard told me I have to let it go. "I know."

"So why are you still doing it?" she asks pointedly, the sound of her voice almost breaking through my walls.

But I keep them up. It's not real. I can't keep clinging to it. "You honestly think they'd understand this?"

"They've been doing a fairly good job of it so far. Liara did say that they're here for you."

"And I believe my response was that I can't be here for them." The doors then open and let me back into the captain's cabin. I step through the doors with only one brief glimpse back at the redheaded apparition behind me. It's not her. It's not real. No sense pretending otherwise.

"You still need them. Some of them know that. And you can't get through this mission or this poisoned grief state without—"

"Except I'm not on the mission anymore! And lecturing me about my grieving methods isn't exactly helping matters! And I was telling the truth about needing to be alone, so could you please stop tormenting me and—!" I then turn to face the haunting hallucination as I attempt to chase her off and I find that she's already gone. Problem solved.

So why do I feel like all I've done is made things worse?